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New Jokes Anyone?


hyebruin

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one morning a guy wakes up and hears a voice in his head "Sell your house, move to las vegas". He ignores the voice and gos brushing his teeth. the voice comes again "Sell your house, move to las vegas". he ignores the voice. Finally after several days the voice drives this guy mad. He sells his house, moves to las vegas. The voice comes back and says "go to morongo" hotel. He goes to morongo hotel. The voice says "go to this and this table and bet all your money on black 17". He goes to the table bets all his mone on black 17. The guy rolls the thing and comes red 27. The voice says "F#@k"
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Vava jan this one is for you bud, :)

 

Hayastanits hay@ mtnume Parskahayi liqur store hartsnume,

 

hayastanci>>>axper jan oxi unes?

parskahay>>>>her chunem!

hayastanci>>>>>ehhh axper jan yesel mer chunem lsru mi hat oxormi xmenq

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Vava jan this one is for you bud, :)

 

Hayastanits hay@ mtnume Parskahayi liqur store hartsnume,

 

hayastanci>>>axper jan oxi unes?

parskahay>>>>her chunem!

hayastanci>>>>>ehhh axper jan yesel mer chunem lsru mi hat oxormi xmenq

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her means why right? So I don't really get the joke. :huh: :P

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her also means like, sort of father, papa, hayrik, HER chunem, aysinqen Papa chunem

hima haskatsar? ;)

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yes but why would the parskahay say, "her chunem"? Won't that mean why chunem? ;)

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The Abortion Bill

 

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see

one of his aides nervously approach him.

 

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President.

 

What do you want to do about it?"

the aide replies.

 

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

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TRAVELLERS GUIDE TO USEFUL PHRASES IN ARAB COUNTRIES :D

 

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

 

FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

 

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

 

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

 

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA

JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

 

KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.

I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

 

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!

Whatever you say!

 

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.

The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

 

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

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Prudish Putin

Published: May 10 2005

Financial Times

 

It's good to see a little decency in world politics for a change.

 

 

When he welcomed George W. Bush to Moscow for yesterday's festivities, Russian president Vladimir Putin said he'd been struck by Laura Bush's recent jokes about her husband.

 

Talking to White House correspondents, Mrs Bush branded herself a "desperate housewife" and claimed she had to sneak out to watch male strippers with Condoleezza Rice.

 

"I could see how Laura attacked you," Putin announced. "So at today's dinner we will have a chance to protect you." Others might need Putin's protection. Not least Tony Blair, who when quizzed by The Sun newspaper last week declared himself very fit.

 

The rest of the exchange went: Q: What, five times a night? Blair: At least, I can do it more depending how I feel. Q: Are you up to it? Cherie Blair: He always is!

 

On second thoughts, maybe retrieving Blair's dignity is beyond even Putin's powers.

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Vay MosJan, this one is funnay! I loved the song in the Random stupidity and the insults, especially the medical and shower. They are all so vulgar, but the guy sounds like gay Beirutsi.

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Two nuns are painting a room in their convent on a very hot summer day. Because they are alone and the room is very warm, they decide to take off their habits and continue painting in the nude. Suddenly a truck drives up to the convent and the doorbell rings and a man's voice shouts, "blind man!" The nuns decide they are safe to answer the door in the nude because the man is blind and can't see that they aren't wearing any clothes. When they open the door the man shouts "WOW, naked nuns! Where do you want these blinds?"
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make

her gasp For air.

 

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

 

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would Blow his guts out.

 

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

 

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the  bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

 

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

 

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

 

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

 

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a

 

look of horror on his face.

 

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

 

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

 

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

 

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

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BLEARQ! :yucky:

Azat!! :)

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Searching for the Father

 

Jesus decides to go make a turn in the paradise in order to find Joseph, his father, whom he hasn't seen since his crucifixion. Jesus goes from cloud to cloud when suddenly he sees a little old man sitting quietly and carving a piece of wood. Jesus approaches the old man and tells him: - Hello, this is pretty what you do, was it your job to carve wood on the earth? - Yes, I was a carpenter - Ah... and did you have children? - Yes, I had a son without even fertilizing a woman. My son had an extraordinary destiny and he is still very known on earth. By hearing these words Jesus has tears in his eyes. he puts his hand on the shoulder of the little old man and tells him with emotion: - Dad! And little old man answers with a great joy: - Pinocchio!!

Edited by Nakharar
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A friend sent me this:

 

THIS IS REALLY CREEPY!

 

Think of a letter between A and W.

 

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

 

Keep going, Don't stop . . .

 

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

 

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

 

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last

letter in the animal's name

 

Almost there.........

 

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the

hand you are not using to scroll down.

 

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you

at face level

 

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your

hand.

 

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's

name?

 

 

Of course they don't.......

 

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life and quit playing

stupid internet games!

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