CheekY Posted October 24, 2003 Report Share Posted October 24, 2003 http://ahmed-mohammed.mindswap.net/vizbook/Jokes.php Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormig Posted October 25, 2003 Report Share Posted October 25, 2003 Not a joke but humourous reading: http://www.iranian.com/Khiavchi/2003/Octob...eams/index.html To hell and backDreams October 24, 2003The Iranian Dream #479The terminal was deserted, but it took me forever to approach her counter and present myself. "Has your heart been in your possession at all times since you packed your courage?" she asked while checking my sexual ID."Ummm...yes", I lied. "Has anyone known or unknown to you asked you to carry their troubles on your shoulder?" "Uhhh... no." "Just a reminder to check in your ego at the gate as there are no carry-on items or baggage from your ex-flights allowed on this trip." "Well, can I at least take a parachute on board with me in case of an emergency dump?" I asked. "No, I'm afraid this is not Virgin Airlines. We either fly high, or we go down together. We also do not make any stopovers at the broken-promised land. Your flight departs right now from the Pearly gates." "Ok, I think I want a full refund." "Insecurity!" she shouted into her microphone as she pushed the reject button. Dream # (74*7)+ 148I was standing in front of the gates of Hell in the Iranian men's line waiting to be "Sin Jimmed", chatting with a bunch of stereotypical Persians who answered in monosyllables when asked about their hi-infidelity towards religion. Satan greeted me and proceeded to fill out the regular questionnaire: "Hell-o. How are you feeling?" he asked. "Dizzy. I still have a hangover from my previous life. I must have drank too much from the fountain of youth." "ID please." "I think I lost it half-way to here, and now I have a crisis." "Religion?" "Secular Alcoholic" "Cause of death?" "Matters of the heart complications." "What is the purpose of your trip to Hell?" "Miss Understanding told me to come here and see Johannah and Derek. She said I was a horny little devil and I should be here anyway. So how's business?" I asked, trying to chat him up. "Pretty good, except for the occasional pacifists who manage to sneak in. We just caught one yesterday, he was trying to put out one of our hottest fires, but we gave him Hell. Do you have any Baptism or Zam Zam water to declare?" "No, nothing. By the way, do you do racial profiling here, I mean we all burn the same color, right?" "Correct. But we do take color fingerprints for future reference." "So, I've heard your fires burn on the Mid-East turmoil, and this place will freeze over if they stop fighting over land, or if they use up all the oil, or if ..." "Rrrrright...." he said while flipping through my Sin Jim files. He looked up and said: "It seems you don't qualify for entry yet. You are still way below our minimum requirement level so we'll have to send you back to life." "Really? She was pretty sure I would get instant admission this time." "Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. Please place your fingers here and here and here. Thanks for coming." "Ok, then ...damn it garm, and I guess I'll see you soon!" Dream # -00.1971Mother Earth's delivery ward was packed. I hovered in the Body & Soul lounge and chatted with my soulmates while I waited to be reborn. The Divine Interferer on duty asked: "Who were you last time?" I replied: "I tried to be myself, but I had too many lives and not enough lifetime to live them all. As a result I turned into a Schizo-Persian with conflicting attitudes so I couldn't get along with myself." "What about this time? Any preference?" "You mean I get to choose? Then I want to opt out of human rat racism." "You can only choose from Flora and Fauna anyway. We have orders from above to hold off on Humans till He figures out where He screwed up in the evolution, and why cloning and stoning exist in the same time period. Besides, you are still fighting to death over what will happen to you when you die. So do you want to be a dirty pig, or be a monkey and hang around till it's your turn again?" "Ummm...Sure! Any hot chimps gone through lately?" The Beginning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vava Posted October 25, 2003 Report Share Posted October 25, 2003 This is for the canadians among us ... Thanks Sip! I just KNEW we were good at something! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted October 26, 2003 Report Share Posted October 26, 2003 Criminal steals lumberA man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted October 26, 2003 Report Share Posted October 26, 2003 Little Tim's Goldfish Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joseph parikian Posted October 27, 2003 Report Share Posted October 27, 2003 http://www.holylemon.com/funny-animations/beans.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted October 27, 2003 Report Share Posted October 27, 2003 http://home.earthlink.net/~aasla/shell.jpg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ED Posted October 27, 2003 Report Share Posted October 27, 2003 (edited) Hello guys and gals, I thought we start the Monday with a bit of a humor Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis twelve years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. ****************** Marin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks. ****************** Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. ****************** Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you, Mama Edited October 27, 2003 by Edward Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasun Posted October 28, 2003 Report Share Posted October 28, 2003 There was a rabbi who really liked to play golf. I mean, he waspassionate about the game. So one day, a Sabbath day, it was gorgeousout there. He was looking out the window, thinking of playing, butrealising he could not, for, after all, it was the Sabbath! Sotemptation came to him, saying "Why don't you just call in sick?Nobody will know, and it is such a nice day out there it would almostbe a sin NOT to play!" No sooner he heard these words in his mind thanhe made the call to the synagogue. "I'm really not feeling well, I muststay home and recover." As soon as he hung up the phone, he bolted outthe door with his clubs, ready for action. He was playing a great game, and was already at the 17th hole, when anangel passed by and saw him playing. The angel went immediately to Godand reported the matter: "Look, my Lord, he is playing golf and on theSabbath, no less! He must be punished!" the Lord said: "Do not worry.I will take care of him." So on the 18th hole, the rabbi hit his first shot, and with a loudwhack hit the ball perfectly. It arched beautifully, landed a few feetfrom the hole, bounced once or twice, and in it went for a hole inone! At this the angel protested: "But, my Lord, You said you wouldtake care of him! What kind of punishment is this? A hole in one?" Towhich God responded: "Yes, but who can he tell?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THOTH Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 Nice extra - LOL But for a sec there I didn't see the human - and I thought the mouse was up to some different! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 Thoth, I thought I was the only one that thought that mouse is fighting cancer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 Thoth, I thought I was the only one that thought that mouse is fighting cancer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormig Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. ________________________________________ Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." ________________________________________ The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock. ________________________________________ New Sex Study... It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead. ________________________________________ This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." ________________________________________ Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." ________________________________________ A woman's perfect breakfast: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. ________________________________________ A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" ________________________________________ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." ________________________________________ Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards. ________________________________________ A blonde and two brunettes are waiting in the OB/GYN's offices. First brunette says; "I'm having a boy!" Second brunette asks; "How do you know?" First answers; "Because we conceived him with my husband on top." Second says; "OH! Then that means I'm having a girl!" The blonde starts crying out loud. First brunette asks; "What's wrong, honey?" Blonde answers; "I'm gonna have a PUPPY!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KavorKin99 Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 if you go to vartanik jokes they are so funny hehe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormig Posted November 2, 2003 Report Share Posted November 2, 2003 Someone explain me past the first coupla items? I'm sure it's funny. http://www.scoop.co.nz/mason/stories/HL0310/S00241.htm Top 10 Signs Your Teacher Is From Cuba Wednesday, 29 October 2003, 1:05 pmColumn: St Molesworth Top 10 signs your teacher is from Cuba1. During morning talks you're expected to denounce your counter-revolutionary parents. 2. For letter-writing practice, everyone in the class adopts a Cuban political prisoner. 3. Maths problems always involve working out black market rates for the US dollar. 4. You have to complete a new unit standard requiring you to field strip an AK47 blindfolded. 5. He may be a revolutionary but he isn't as left wing as the average PPTA delegate. 6. He wears a Gap sweatshirt unlike the local teachers with their Che Guevera t-shirts. 7. Phys ed consists of floating to Rangitoto on a inner tube. 8. Instead of detention you're threatened with two weeks in 'Gitmo'. 9. He reckons South Auckland is a tougher posting than his stint with the FNLA in Mozambique. 10. He's never heard of the Treaty of Waitangi but is actually half-way literate and numerate. Be brave and pass it on! St Molesworthwww.geocities.com/stmolesworth Pass St Molesworth on to others but please leave this footer intact! Word of inbox is our only advertising. You are also welcome to republish St Molesworth but please acknowledge St Molesworth ( www.geocities.com/stmolesworth ) as the source. If you received St Molesworth from a friend and you're not a subscriber, you can subscribe by emailing StMolesworth- subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit www.geocities.com/stmolesworth Please email comments, suggestions, and praise to StMolesworth@yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted November 5, 2003 Report Share Posted November 5, 2003 Actual stories provided by travel agents: 1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" 3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click." 4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." 5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map." 6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to savetime." 7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical descriptionon your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I lookedinto it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them. 10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." 11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China manytimes and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." 12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted November 5, 2003 Report Share Posted November 5, 2003 Before You Meet With God A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted November 5, 2003 Report Share Posted November 5, 2003 Death on Vacation During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died. With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of themother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead ! I just can't take that chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormig Posted November 5, 2003 Report Share Posted November 5, 2003 Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed adistinct slow down in the overall performance - particularly in theflower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,such as Romance 9.5 and personal Attention 6.5, and then installedundesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashesthe system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.What can I do? Signed,Desperate ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME to download Tears6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should thenautomatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall anotherBoyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crashHusband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limitedmemory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory andperformance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck,Tech Support Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THOTH Posted November 5, 2003 Report Share Posted November 5, 2003 Extra & Stormy - some very very good ones LOLOLOLLOL!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted November 5, 2003 Report Share Posted November 5, 2003 (edited) A Blonde Game Of Intelligence There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. Edited November 5, 2003 by ExtraHye Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted November 6, 2003 Report Share Posted November 6, 2003 A Talkative Public Bathroom Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... - "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: - "Not bad..." Then the voice says: - "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: - "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..." Then I hear the person say all flustered: - "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamavor Posted November 6, 2003 Report Share Posted November 6, 2003 Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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