New Jokes Anyone?

[Azat]

Hussein's other children.

 

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

 

Among the brothers:

Sooflay -- the restauranteur

Guday -- the half-Australian brother

Huray -- the sports fanatic

brothers Kuntay & Kintay -- the twins from the African mother

Sayhay -- the baseball player

Ojay -- the stalker/murderer

Gulay -- the singer/entertainer

Ebay -- the internet czar

Biliray -- the country music star

Ecksray -- the radiologist

Puray -- the blender factory owner

Regay -- the half-Jamaican brother

Tupay -- the one with bad hair

 

Among the sisters:

Lattay -- the coffee shop owner

Bufay -- the 300 pound sister

Phayray -- the zoo worker in the gorilla house

Sapheway -- the grocery store owner

Ollay -- the half-mexican sister

 

Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

[America-Hye]

[Azat]

An Armenian buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Armenian sized baby boy weighing 25 pounds!

 

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many Exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.

 

A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

 

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

 

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Armenian sized baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

 

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

 

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

 

The Armenian father takes a slow swig from his Erebuni beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and says, "The doctor accidently circumcised him"

 

GO ARMENIAN CUCUMBERS!

[DominO123]

A guy is in his back yard one day, and looking

over his fence, sees his neighbour digging a

hole in his garden.

Being a friendly person, he asks what the hole's for.

"My canary died, & I'm burying it" said the neighbour.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that" said our guy,

"but that's a pretty big hole

for a little canary, isn't it?" he said.

"Well, it's inside your f.king cat !" replied the neighbour.

[Harut]

[Sip]

Win XP New Folder on eBay!!!!!

 

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewI...item=3626246138

 

Hahahaah ... get it while it's hot. And only for $80 million!!!!

 

I loved the descrition:

 

Genuine new folder for Windows XP - I have created this folder but don't really need it - so I'm selling it now.

It has never been used and still carries it's default name. There will be no shipping cost as I will send this folder via e-mail to the winner.

Good luck!

[Azat]

Inner Peace, or at least worth a try.

 

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.

 

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found true 'Inner peace' the article read:

 

"The way to achieve 'Inner Peace' is to finish all the things you've started."

 

I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

 

So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prosaic, a small box of chocolates and a six-pack of Heineken.

 

You have no idea how good I feel.

[Sasun]

Barnes took up skydiving as a hobby. On his first solo jump, he pulled

the ripcord at the right time, but nothing happened; the parachute would

not open. He pulled the emergenncy chute, but it too was stuck. As he glanced

down to see the ground rushing towards him, he noticed a man hurtling upward

right at him. "Hey!", Barnes yelled at the man. "Do you know anything about

parachutes?"

"No!", the man called back. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[hyebruin]

Hussein's other children.

 

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

 

Among the brothers:

Sooflay -- the restauranteur

Guday -- the half-Australian brother

Huray -- the sports fanatic

brothers Kuntay & Kintay -- the twins from the African mother

Sayhay -- the baseball player

Ojay -- the stalker/murderer

Gulay -- the singer/entertainer

Ebay -- the internet czar

Biliray -- the country music star

Ecksray -- the radiologist

Puray -- the blender factory owner

Regay -- the half-Jamaican brother

Tupay -- the one with bad hair

 

Among the sisters:

Lattay -- the coffee shop owner

Bufay -- the 300 pound sister

Phayray -- the zoo worker in the gorilla house

Sapheway -- the grocery store owner

Ollay -- the half-mexican sister

 

Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

 

azat, i don't know where you get these lists from, but i definitely like your lists better than dave letterman's...ANYDAY!!!

 

muwaaaaahhhh!!! thanks ....

[THOTH]

14 on the hip quiz...WTF - I am no GenXer or what-have-you...though i do like Noam Chomsky!

[vava]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

¿cool huh?

[Sip]

Wow Vvaa!!! That's COMPLETELY fascinating. <_<

[vava]

Wow Vvaa!!! That's COMPLETELY fascinating. <_<

Alright - my bad. I've been away for a while and haven't read every thread!

(and I won't have much time for another little while, so please forgive any repeat posts!)

[fightsport]

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written

an impressive new book. It's called, "Ministers Do More

Than Lay People."

 

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope

only expects you to kiss his ring.

 

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it

is gone.

 

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if

you're in the bathroom.

 

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded

up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled

her mood.

 

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now,

of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

 

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,

gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

 

9. My next house will have no kitchen--just vending machines

and a large trash can.

 

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try

to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed

was turn signal fluid.

 

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a

prescription for sorryyyyy. He said it would be like putting

a new flagpole on a condemned building.

 

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see

how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece

of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't

have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What Will?

I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

 

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying

sex.

 

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters

never point the wrong way.

[fightsport]

WORDS WOMEN USE

 

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

 

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

 

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.! "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

 

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

 

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

 

 

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

 

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

 

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh.." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[fightsport]

ahh yes

[fightsport]

THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK!

 

1.

2.

3.

4.

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "EXCUSE ME...Do I look like a people person?"

7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting!" 8. "I

started out with nothing and still have most of it left." 9. "Therapy is

expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose." 10. "Why don't you

try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of

self-control?" 11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30

years." 12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer." 13. "Do they

ever shut up on your planet?" 14. "I'm not your type. I'm not

inflatable" 15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize

you haven't gone to sleep yet." 16. "Back off!! You're standing in my

aura." 17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too." 18. "I work 45 hours a

week to be this poor." 19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality" 21. "Chaos,

panic and disorder. My work here is done." 22. "Ambivalent? Well, yes

and no." 23. "You look like ****. Is that the style now?" 24. "Earth is

full. Go home." 25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?" 26.

"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert." 27. "A hard-on doesn't

count as personal growth." 28. "You are depriving some village of an

idiot." 29. "If ******** could fly, this place would be an airport!" 30.

"Jeez!!! Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

[fightsport]

> > My favorite is the last one! > >

> >

> > These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court": things people

> > actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court

> > reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?

> >

> > 1. Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give

> > your wife $775 a week."

> > Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

> >

> > 2. Q: What is your date of birth?

> > A: July fifteenth.

> > Q: What year?

> > A: Every year

> >

> > 3. Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?

> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> >

> > 4. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> > A: I forget.

> > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've

> > forgotten?

> >

> > 5. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which!

> > Q: How long has he lived with you?

> > A: Forty-five years.

> >

> > 6. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> > >Q: And why did that upset you?

> > A: My name is Susan.

> >

> > 7. Q: And where was the location of the accident?

> > A: Approximately milepost 499.

> > Q: And where is milepost 499?

> > A: Somewhere between milepost 498 and 500.

> >

> > 8. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

> > A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

> >

> > 9. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

> > A: After the accident?

> > Q: Before the accident.

> > A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

> >

> > 10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue

> > lights flashing? A: Yes.

> > Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

> > A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

> >

> > 11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

> > doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> > A: Would you repeat that question, please?

> >

> > 12. Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

> >

> > 13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> >

> > 14. Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: And what were you doing at that time?

> > A: I resent that question.

> >

> > 15. Q: She had three children, right?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: How many were boys?

> > A: None.

> > Q: Were there any girls?

> >

> > 16. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

> >

> > 17. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

> > A: By death.

> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

> >

> > 18. Q: Can you describe the individual?

> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

> > Q: Was this a male or a female?

> >

> > 19. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that

> > I sent to your attorney?

> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> >

> > 20. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

> >

> > 21. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

> > A: OK.

> > Q: What school did you go to?

> > A: Oral.

> >

> > 22. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why the hell I was

> > doing an autopsy on him.

> > ___________________________________________

> > 23. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> > ___________________________________________

> > 24. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

> > A: No.

> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

> > A: No.

> > Q: Did you check for breathing?

> > A: No.

> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

> > A: No.

> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

> > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

> > law somewhere.

> >

[hyebruin]

here's one to get us ready for the christmas season!!

 

~~~Be naughty, save Santa a trip! ~~~

[hyebruin]

~~~Which transltes into sooooo many days of naughtiness between now, and christmas! ... with all that "naughtiness" who needs presents??

[THOTH]

~~~Which transltes into sooooo many days of naughtiness between now, and christmas! ... with all that "naughtiness" who needs presents??

agreeed...I like that!

 

So 'bruin ....please enlighten us concerning your plans to fulfill your Christmas wishes... ...were all ears!

[Azat]

Do we have to tell you the details Thoth? Oh sorry I thought you were talking to me...

[THOTH]

You know me Azat...or should by now I should think...yes - I always want to know ('specially when it comes to you cuty pie!!! LOL)

[Varduhi]

The teacher shows Vardanik Hitler’s picture and asks, Vardanik do you know who this man is?

Vardanik: NO

Teacher then shows Lenin’s picture and asks the same question.

Vardanik replies again with NO.

Teacher shows Stalin’s picture and asks again: Vardanik do you know who this man is in the picture?

Vardanik: NO.

Then Vardanik raises his hand after couple of minutes and asks; Teacher do you know HOVO, GARO, AND SAKO?

Teacher; No Vardanik I don’t.

Vardanik; well if you don’t know who my friends are then how do you expect me to know yours?

 

This joke actually sounds much funnier in Armenian, then in English but I did my best translating…

Hopefully you will like it…

 

Peace

[hyebruin]

so, azat is a 'cuty pie' to thoth, huh? that's a first!! ....as far as the christmas list of naughty naughty 'to do things'...well, let's just say it's not just going to involve overindulgence in eggnog!!