Sasun Posted May 8, 2003 Report Share Posted May 8, 2003 A different kind of Error 404 - for computer nerds only.... Here! ...almost made me cry, LOL. I wish I could tip this web server to cheer up a little Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted May 16, 2003 Report Share Posted May 16, 2003 got this from a friend and I had to post because it made me laugh.~~~~~~~~~ My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*&@in' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted May 20, 2003 Report Share Posted May 20, 2003 http://www.gophergas.com/funstuff/realsaddam.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted May 20, 2003 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2003 okay!! since we're on the 'husband bashing' theme: Dr. Phil said the other day to this poor ignorant husband: "Did you fall out of the 'stupid tree' and take down every last branch on the way?"...i was laughing so bad !!! it was too good especially since the poor guy looked like he was nodding or something!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vava Posted May 21, 2003 Report Share Posted May 21, 2003 http://www.gophergas.com/funstuff/realsaddam.htm THAT is the funniest thing I have seen in a LONG time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harut Posted May 21, 2003 Report Share Posted May 21, 2003 Supidity Has No Limits... When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence. R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. Police in Chicago sent Cubs tickets to people with outstanding arrest warrants. When they arrived at the game, they were promptly arrested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted May 21, 2003 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2003 thank you harut!! ...you sure some of this isn't made up??? can't believe evolution didn't wipe out some of these idiots looooong ago!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harut Posted May 21, 2003 Report Share Posted May 21, 2003 i don't know. i got this in my inbox from a stranger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted May 23, 2003 Report Share Posted May 23, 2003 Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God signed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's California, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous. They are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vava Posted May 24, 2003 Report Share Posted May 24, 2003 that's funny Azat, I've heard this joke before. Now just substitute Canada in place of California, and replace Sacremento with Neighbours to the south Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosJan Posted May 24, 2003 Report Share Posted May 24, 2003 giteq te Abarantsin inchu Futbol chi xarum ???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mher Posted May 24, 2003 Report Share Posted May 24, 2003 kanach xot@ ushadryun@ mi qutse shexuma Mos jan? Ok hima qez mi "haneluk" Abarantsin inchu biliards che xaxum??? good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted May 24, 2003 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2003 what's the advantage of having the olympics played in the nude?? ...for the running hurdles, finally!!! the white guys (versus blacks!) will have a shot at winning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosJan Posted May 24, 2003 Report Share Posted May 24, 2003 kanach xot@ ushadryun@ mi qutse shexuma Mos jan? Ok hima qez mi "haneluk" Abarantsin inchu biliards che xaxum??? good luck Mher jan hents et patjarov el chen xarum vor chasen te xot@ ushadrutyuna sherrum Aparantsin tsovApin nstats lutskin varum ktsuma aliqneri mej mek@ galsi te - lsi es inch es anum ??Aparantsy - ches tesnum Aliq em Varum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mher Posted May 24, 2003 Report Share Posted May 24, 2003 laver Mos jan lol bayts asem inchu biliards che xaxum asuma axper sharits heruuuuuu........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 5, 2003 Report Share Posted June 5, 2003 "What A Life"Bill's barn burned down and his wife, Lynn, called the insurance company. Lynn spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth." There was a long pause, and then Lynn replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband." ----------- "The Talking Clock"While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the rather drunk host of the house-warming led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "That's the talking clock," the host replied. The guests had a look at it. It looked like a plain and simple gong. "How does it work?", one asked. "Watch," the host said, then giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For goodness sake, you idiot! - it's ten past three in the bloody morning!!" ----------- "Get the Job Done"The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 6, 2003 Report Share Posted June 6, 2003 The Old Dilapidated Boat Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 6, 2003 Report Share Posted June 6, 2003 A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX* * * * * * * * * * * * At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA* * * * * * * * * * * * One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada* * * * * * * * * * * I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA * * * * * * * * * * * * * While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR* * * * * * * * * * * I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI* * * * * * * * * * * * * And the winner is... A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasun Posted June 8, 2003 Report Share Posted June 8, 2003 Man is praying to God:"God, how long is an eternity for you?"God replied:"Not more than a moment."Man continued:"And how much is million dollars for you?"God answered:"That's just a few cents ..."Man asked:"In that case I would like to ask you for just a few cents."God is a perfect gentleman and said with no hesitation:"Just amoment." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nairi Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 Adam asks God:"Why did you make her so beautiful?"God:"So that you'll love her."Adam:"But then why did you make her so dumb?"God:"So that she can love you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nairi Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 Very true Sip. What's the difference between a man and a battery?At least the battery has a positive side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vava Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 Very true Sip. What's the difference between a man and a battery?At least the battery has a positive side. Ok. Well, how many men does it take to open a beer? None - it should already be open by the time she brings it to you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nairi Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 Ok. Well, how many men does it take to open a beer? None - it should already be open by the time she brings it to you!!! yawn... As a woman, what's the difference between going alone to a bar and going alone to the circus? At the circus clowns don't try to talk to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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