Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day

[Maral]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead

prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Tom for companionship.

 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared her old fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful

consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks. I wish I were wealthy again.

 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

 

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you

want for your second wish?"

 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage

returned.

 

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I

wish for you to transform Tom, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

 

Magically, Tom suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his

biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man

so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever

seen.

 

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

 

For a few eerie moments, Tom and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

 

Then Tom walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking hair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........

 

......BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME."

[Maral]

ok this is old......but I like it...

 

Why do Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12?

 

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old

son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and

the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of -factly replies, "Those

are called condoms, son...Men use them to have safe sex.

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've

heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of

3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The Dad

replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,

one for Saturday and one for Sunday."!

"Cool, says the boy.! He notices a 6 pack and asks,

"Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men."

The Dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday and

two for Sunday. "WOW!" Exclaimed the boy, "then who uses

THESE?" he asks, picking up the 12 pack. With a sigh, the

Dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January,

one for February, one for March......................

[Anileve]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead

prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Tom for companionship.

 

......BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME."

:lol2: That is soooo Evil, I like I like!

[Maral]

 

http://www.trumpfiresbush.com/

[Maral]

This is gross..but here goes..

 

A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants,

bread, butter and jam) when an American man,

chewing gum, sits down next to him.

 

The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless,

starts a conversation.

 

American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't.

In America, we only eat what's inside.

The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,

transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

The American has a smirk on his face.

 

The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then

we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,

recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to

Canada."

 

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says

with a big smirk.

Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once

you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a

container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing

gum and sell them to America."

[vava]

 

http://www.trumpfiresbush.com/

HAHA! I just saw this - that's great Maral, thanks :

[allarmeniangirl]

       

 

http://www.trumpfiresbush.com/

If only..................if only

Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once

you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a

container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing

gum and sell them to America."

hahahaha. OMG! What a coincidence! I'm chewing gum right NOW! eeewww. AAAAHHHHH!!!! LOL.

...gross...gross...gross...gross...gross...gross...gross...

[Maral]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

 

For $100, the cabby agreed.

 

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied

when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his a$$ up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[ExtraHye]

Do not mess with a woman

 

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things.

 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.

 

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.

[ExtraHye]

Excellent product

 

Dear Tide,

 

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

 

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the ass. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

 

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

 

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people...

[ExtraHye]

Anything for $20

 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

 

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 ... on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said ... "Clean my house."

[Maral]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

 

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

 

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"

 

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

 

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

[Maral]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.

 

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

 

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

 

Her note reads: For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in Your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

 

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Volvo in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK!

[Maral]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a

year,

and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my

friends

encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one

thing

bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger

sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini

skirts

and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I

got many a

pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did

it when

she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding

invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon

I was

to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted

to make

love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her

sister. I

was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead

with

it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When

she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the

stairs

at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the

front

door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight

towards

my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his

eyes he

hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little

test. We

couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Maral]

Fox News reports that telemarketers are hiring prison inmates to make phone calls instead of outsourcing the jobs to India.

How thrilling is that going to be for mom one day when the phone rings and it's...Martha Stewart?!"

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In light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised their terror alert level from "run" to "hide".

 

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Butter: A condiment preferable to margarine because

cows are infinitely more trustworthy than chemists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I was watching one of those cable shows and they had one of Kerry's advisers on. He said there are really two John Kerry's. The indoor John who agonizes over decisions and the outdoor John who makes bold, decisive action. Outdoor John, isn't that a Porta-Potty?

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9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Yesterday in California, John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to control gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's crazy, only Dick Cheney can control gas prices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Fortune smiles upon the man who can laugh at himself. But continual delight visits the man who can ridicule others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Spies

 

Two Iraqi spies meet in a bar in downtown Los Angeles.

 

One starts to greet the other in Arabic, their native language. The other waves him off contemptuously and says:

 

We're in America now, speak Spanish".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

FINALLY: A BLONDE GUY JOKE!!!!!!!!

There were two blonde guys working for the town public works department. One's job was to dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story?

You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I was thinking about this -- maybe it's time we stopped looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and started looking for oil.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I guess you heard the big story - the Jackson 5 is getting back together.

 

Well, it's just for the police line-up, but hey!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Maral]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A good-OLE-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway. Then he managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

 

 

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night, weren't you O'Toole?!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

 

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

[Maral]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket

[gurgen]

Hahahaha

[Maral]

Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

here you go...guess...

Edited May 18, 2004 by Maral

[Maral]

SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH?

 

 

Due to a power outage,

only one paramedic responded to the call.

 

The house was very, very dark,

so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old

girl,

to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he

could see

while

he helped deliver the baby.

 

 

 

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was

asked.

The mommy pushed and pushed,

and after a little while Conner was born.

 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet,

and spanked him on his bottom, Conner began to

cry.

 

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her

help,

and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old...

what she thought about what she had just

witnessed.

 

Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the

first place;

smack his bottom again!"

[Maral]

A Lebanese, a French and a Syrian were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

 

They were eating lunch and the Lebanese said, "Hummus and Tabboule!!!!!!!. If I get Hummus and Tabboule one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The French opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Cheese and ham again!!!!! If get cheese and ham one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Syrian opened his lunch and said, "FALAFEL again. If I get a FALAFEL sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

 

The next day the Lebanese opened his lunch box, saw Hummus and Tabboule and jumped to his death.

The French opened his lunch, saw a ham and cheese sandwich and jumped too.

The Syrian guy opened his lunch, saw the Falafel and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral the Lebanese wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Humms and Tabboule, I never would have given it to him again!"

 

The french wife also wept and said, "I could have given him a salad! I didn't realize he hated ham and cheese sandwiches so much."

 

Everyone turned and stared at the Syrian wife. Hence she said:"Hey,don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch".

[Maral]

Priceless !!

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to Open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast Is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

 

His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a Black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that!

 

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"

 

Self-induced hangover -- $100.00 Broken furniture -- $2,000.00 Breakfast -- $10.00 Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS

[joseph parikian]

Forgive me guyes i thought this was funny

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

YEREVAN, MAY 24. ARMINFO. The Azerbaijani mass media's reports on rallies allegedly held in Stepanakert are misinformation.

 

An Azerbaijani source reported that residents of (Nagorny Artsax are allegedly holding rallies, demanding an end to the Nagorno-Artsax conflict, improvement of their social conditions and wishing to live in Azerbaijan . The Baku-based "Echo" newspaper reports that "an Azerbaijani flag was hoisted beside that of the NKR" during one of the rallies.) The report also says that "Armenians are serious concerned over the possibility of hostilities being resumed and spread of drug addiction among servicemen, who spend all their money on drugs." As another reason for discontent the newspaper mentions Armenia's policy of "forcible settlement of people in Nagorny Artsax, as well as a secret Armenian-Georgian agreement on arrest and deportation of Armenian servicemen and civilians going to other countries through Georgia."

 

The ARMINFO correspondent in Stepanakert reports that the situation in the city is stable, no actions of protest have been held either in or outside the capital. The NKR officials called the misinformation of Azerbaijani mass media a political provocation.

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This was soooooo funny

 

I wonder what was the azarbaijani reporter smoking

Edited May 29, 2004 by joseph parikian

[Maral]

well as long as it was amuseing to you,that's all that matters I suppose...

[Anoushik]

Mr. Parikian, my dad was also very amused when he heard about this on the news a couple of days ago.