Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day

[Anonymouse]

What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Half a cat.

[Maral]

Lent - a different version

 

 

John Smith was the only Baptist to move into a large Catholic

neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling

abig juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were

eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.

 

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and

decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them

to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

 

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over

him,and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

 

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent

came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down

to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a

grill.

 

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

 

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to

see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group

arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill,saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[Maral]

A good old barber in some city in the US.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.

 

After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community

service."

 

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the

barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen

roses waiting at his door.

 

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber

after the cut. But the barber replies:

"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community

service."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes

to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting

at his door.

 

An Armenian goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the

barber after the cut. But the barber replies:

"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community

service."

The Armenian is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop,

guess what he finds there...

 

Can you guess?

Do you know the answer yet?

 

A dozen Armenians waiting for a haircut..

[Sasun]

A dozen Armenians waiting for a haircut..

Good one Maral. It is so typical of Armenians.

[MosJan]

can i post a joke MAral jan ???

 

thenk you

 

1. How does an LA policeman go fishing?

He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.

 

2. Did you hear why the LA Police had to leave the Dodgers' game early?

To beat the crowd.

 

3. LAPD officer: We arrested this man beating the s*** out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?

Desk Sergeant: Impersonating an Officer.

 

4. What's the difference between a police officer in San Francisco and a police officer in Los Angeles?

A police officer in San Francisco will dance and have a few drinks when he says he's going out "clubbing."

[Maral]

funny

 

I'll be sending you the bill for posting here btw.

[Maral]

Why Condoms are Packed 3, 6, 12 to a Box

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

 

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

 

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package?"

 

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

 

"Cool!" says the boy.He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

 

"Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

 

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

 

With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men.One for January, one for February, and one for March........"

[Maral]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following

people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the

middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together

in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating

visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is

cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and

another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant

and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply

employees

for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide

because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body;

the

true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the

necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how

sand

and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her

opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship

with

her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't

raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the

English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and

set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture

because

it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But

they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid

either

[Maral]

I apologize ahead of time

 

http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm

[Maral]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While

on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she

asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months

and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and

change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured

she might as well make the most of it.

 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While

crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40

years" Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

 

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[Maral]

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that a bonus?? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

 

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

 

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm."

[Maral]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up

behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was

that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants

pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up

and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[joseph parikian]

http://www.passionforpleasure.com/images/perfectman.jpg

 

[joseph parikian]

Women Drivers

WOMEN DRIVERS Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in abrand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couples econds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!! It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT

CALL!!!!!!! DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!

[ExtraHye]

http://www.passionforpleasure.com/images/perfectman.jpg

 

:cry:

 

That looks sooooo sad!!!!!!

[joseph parikian]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas

 

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash

 

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty

 

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit

 

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary

 

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide with borders that are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away

 

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future

 

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a (d***tator)

Edited February 6, 2004 by joseph parikian

[joseph parikian]

Osama Bin Laden and the Newfoundlanders

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country to

invade next, when his telephone rang.....

 

"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, down

ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey?

I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, ey!"

 

"Well Archie," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big

is your army?"

 

"Right now" said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,

me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart

team from the pub, ey. That makes eight!"

 

Osama paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in

my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Holy jeez" said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

 

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is

still on ey! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

 

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", Osama asked.

 

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

 

Osama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and

14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one

and a half million since we last spoke."

 

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

 

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is

still on ey! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified

Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four

byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

 

Osama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you

Archie thatI have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My

military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile

sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

 

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back ey."

 

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "Mr. Laden! I am sorry to

have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

"Well,sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long

chat over a bunch of pints ey, and come to realize dat dere's no way we

can feed two million prisoners."

[joseph parikian]

Marital Bliss

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable, or get married

and wish you were dead.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong

finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the

wrong man."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband

wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better

revenge than to let her keep him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the USA The

rest cheat in Canada.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she

is finished.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does

it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still

paying."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of

Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries

her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what

real happiness was until I got married; and by then

it was too late

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over

intelligence.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict

attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go

through life thinking they had no faults at all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you

start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,

and so does she.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk

down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

[Azat]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied,

 

"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

 

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

 

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

 

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

[angel4hope]

azat lmfaooooooooo....sausage and meatballs? two without?? loooool man that was a great laugh!!

[Maral]

The Love Dress

 

A women stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her

daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come

home from work," the daughter-in-law exclaimed.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites

him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly

becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough

of me."

 

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,

put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and

lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her

husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so

provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[sev-mard]

[Anonymouse]

:cry:

 

That looks sooooo sad!!!!!!

The one on the wheelchair looks like she's sexy.

[Maral]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

_____________________________________________________________

 

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

 

____________________________________________________________

 

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

 

 

Oops!

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough

_______________________________________________________________

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

 

A smart ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

 

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. Write with your other hand."

_________________________________________________________________

 

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding

marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

 

 

The End

Edited February 11, 2004 by Maral

[gevo27]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

_____________________________________________________________

 

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

 

____________________________________________________________

 

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

 

 

Oops!

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough

_______________________________________________________________

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

 

A smart ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

 

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. Write with your other hand."

_________________________________________________________________

 

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding

marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

 

 

The End

AHHH LMAO.. good jokes maral.. i like the first 2 especially