Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 One day Bill Clinton visited Syria and met with Hafiz Esad. Hafiz arranged a city tour around Damascus to show Clinton how beautiful the city is (!) They took a limo and started driving around the city. Soon after they started Clinton saw a man in the middle of the road urinating. He showed it to Hafiz and said "Oh Hafiz this is disgusting, this is very bad bla bla bla". Hafiz told his men to kill the guy. They killed the guy and started touring again. A couple of minutes again Clinton saw another man doing the same thing and showed it to Hafiz and said bad things again. Hafiz ordered his men to kill the guy. The same story is repeated for many times and at the end of the day there were hundreds of Syrians killed because of the same reason. Clinton finished his visit and returned to America but before this he also invited Hafiz to America. A couple of months later Hafiz went to America. Now it was Hafiz's turn to see Washington. They started the tour. Hafiz was hoping to see something bad. Hours passed everything was perfect clean and beautiful. Hafiz was about to be disappointed before he saw a men urinating in the middle of the city. He was very happy to take revenge. He showed it to Clinton and said "Oh Bill, this is very bad, disgusting bla bla bla". Clinton was very embarrassed of course and ordered his men to kill the guy. Then they finished the tour. Next morning there was a news in Washington Post: "Syrian ambassador was killed in the middle of the city with no reason" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..........Playing football without a cup. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Ugly people A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker, end because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:"Make 'em all ugly again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 1. Blojneru - the Beatles 2. Drneru - the Doors 3. Annasoonneru - the Animals 4. Gldrvogh karreru - the Rolling Stones 5. Askhadogh marteek - Men at Work 6. Ov - the who 7. Assa ov - the Guess Who 8. Siroon jahel martagerrner - Fine Young Cannibals 9. Hagop Dertsag - James Taylor 10. Saru ev poghostayinnerru - Kool and the Gang 11. Dzovappi Dgheku - The Beach Boys 12. Trchoonnerru - the Birds 13. Mammanerru ev babbanerru - The Mamas and the Papas 14. Yerek shan geesher - Three Dog Night 15. Jefferson Samalyod - Jefferson Airplane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 >* >A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with >their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions >before they leave. > >The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with >men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, >we'd like your permission to dance together." > >"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance >separately." > >"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" >"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." > >"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" >"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within >marriage, to have children!" > >"What about different positions?" asks the man. >"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah. > >"Woman on top?" the man asks. >"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!" > >"Doggy style?" >"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!" > >"On the kitchen table?" >"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!" > >"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a >bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of >honey and a porno video?" > >"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!" > >"Can we do it standing up?" >"No." says the Mullah." > >"Why not?" asks the man. >"Because that could lead to dancing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Another "virus" out there! If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files,changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone ..... In case you are a blonde, this is a joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Thought I would just post all my jokes here! Aren't you all lucky!??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 WHAT DO YOU CALL A.... - what do you call an empty bus? BUSBARAB -what do you call a ship that goes straight? SHIPSHIDAG -what do you call a horse from Melbourne? MELBOURNTZI -what do you call a church parking lot? PARK ASDZOH -what do you call a stupid president? ABUSH -what do you call a guy under power? VAROOJ -what do you call a Kevork dancing? BARKEV -what do you call half a rose? VARTGES -what do you call a quiet cat? SOOSIG POOSIG -what would you call a windy abba concert? ABBAHOV Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel4hope Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 haha maral ur funny--cute jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 The 5 Story Hotel A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors. On to the fourth floor, the sign was Perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight." The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel4hope Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 rotfl omgggggggggg thats hilarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Health Facts A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. D) The Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ... (READ THEM OUT LOUD) 1) That's not right.....................Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive?........Hu Yu Hai Ding? 3) See me ASAP..........................Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man...........................Dum Gai 5) Small horse..........................Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach?.............Wai Yu So Tan? 7) I bumped into a coffee table.........Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift.........Chin Tu Fat 9) This is a tow away zone...............No Pah King 10) He's cleaning his automobile........Wa Shing Ka 11) Your body odor is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu 12) Geat................................Fu Kin Su Pah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 LAWYERS What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question?..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer... Twice!... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Man's health...God and the devil... And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad. And Satan brought forth ice cream. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Maral, I combined all the different threads into one joke thread. Next time you get the urge to spam us like this, please put them all in one thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 YES SIR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraHye Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 YES SIR :lol2: Mr. Sip has spoken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THOTH Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 A bunch of winners....5 story hotel wasn't a joke though was it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamavor Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 Maraaaaaallllll!!!! Encore!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 WEIGHT LOSS A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years" The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THOTH Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 !!!!! So you are advocating that its better to lose weight in smaller increments eh? - don't push it so much... And here I was about to sign up for that program! LOL Again bravo! funny... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maral Posted December 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 THOHT,you are more then welcome to sign up! I'll make sure you get the version of the diet without the guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.