Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day

[ExtraHye]

LOL Extra...

 

now which Hyeforumers really said those things?

Now don't tell me you forgot about the interview...

Edited December 25, 2003 by ExtraHye

[Maral]

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.

The pope said, "Sure."

The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

[Maral]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry

what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.

My sister is in the third

-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade

too!"

 

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While

Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal

what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy

a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back

to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the

conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade

should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to

the third-grade."

 

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The

principal and Harry both agree.

 

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Harry: "Pants"

 

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

 

Harry: Coconut

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry was taking charge.

 

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

 

Harry: Bubblegum

 

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a

dog do on three legs?"

 

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

 

Harry: Shake hands

 

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?

 

Harry: Yep.

 

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I

get wet before you do.

 

Harry: Tent

 

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The

best man always has me first.

 

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

 

Harry: Wedding Ring

 

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow

me, you feel good.

 

Harry: Nose

 

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

 

Harry: Arrow

 

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot

of heat and excitement?

 

Harry: Firetruck

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry

in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[Armo77]

I love Maral's Jokes

[Maral]

COMPLETE STOP

 

A guy blows through a stop sign and gets caught by a

policeman. Cop says, "License and registration please."

 

Guy says, "What for?"

 

"You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

"I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and

registration, please."

 

"What's the difference?"

 

"The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop.

License and registration, PLEASE!"

 

"If you can show me the difference between slow down and

stop I'll give you my license and registration."

 

"Exit your vehicle sir."

 

At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts

beating the s*** out of the guy and says, "Do you want me

to slow down or stop?"

[Maral]

A bit bayat,but here goes....

 

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally

and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that

are important to each other."

 

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,

"Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"

 

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

[Maral]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and

decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

 

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the

woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

 

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

 

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

 

I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

 

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and

write you up."

 

"If you do that" she says, "I'll have to charge you with sexual

assault."

 

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

 

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's quite likely she can also

think.

[angel4hope]

haha funny maral!!! thats a way to go girl!

[Maral]

[Maral]

Axis of Evil Wannabes

by John Cleese (of Comedy Group Monty Python)

 

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

 

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

 

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

 

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

 

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

 

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

 

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

 

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the etablishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

 

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[Maral]

The Old Man and the Sea

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

[vava]

Ha! Nice - I love sailor jokes...

[Maral]

Canadian Temperature Guide

 

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably,

Canadians plant gardens.

 

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

Italian cars won't start,

Canadians drive with the windows down.

 

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)

American water freezes,

Canadian water gets thicker.

 

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat,

Canadians have the last barbecue of the season.

 

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

Mt. St. Helens freezes,

Canadians Girl Guides sell cookies door to door.

 

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole,

Ottawa canal opens for skating.

 

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes,

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

 

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops,

Canadians start saying "cold eh?"

 

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

Hell freezes over,

Toronto Maple Leafs win Stanley Cup.

[Davo0074_NL]

MARALI CAV@ TANEM!!!!

 

DAVO

[vava]

...

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

Hell freezes over,

Toronto Maple Leafs win Stanley Cup.

I hope hell freezes over this year!

[Maral]

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

 

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they

have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to

play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one

rule: Don't hit the ducks in your first three months here.

 

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks,

"The ducks?"

 

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking

around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one

next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band

and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks,

you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

 

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed

large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of

the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked

and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

 

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and

asks, "Who hit the duck?"

 

The guy who had done it admitted, "I did."

 

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed

the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you

not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed

together for eternity."

 

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a

couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks

were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked

up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man's right

hand to the homely woman's left hand.

 

"I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be

handcuffed together for eternity."

 

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even

move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this

he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the

end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous

woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter

smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the

beautiful woman and walked off.

 

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for

eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,

 

"I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

 

The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

[Davo0074_NL]

Funny!

[Maral]

My mom told me this was the best way to deal with speeding tickets...

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: 'Betcha the lying b#@tered told you I was speeding, too.

[Armo77]

I love Maral's Jokes... LOL sorry for saying it soo much.. But if you only hear how I say it.. I like Saying it.

[DominO]

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

Hell freezes over,

Toronto Maple Leafs win Stanley Cup.

-400° C

Toronto Maple Leafs freezes over

Montreal Canadians win Stanley Cup.

[angel4hope]

MARAL I LOVE YOUR JOKESss i wish you would have posted it in october --when i got my traffic ticket-it would have been a good idea to try it you know --ohh man-better late than never

[Maral]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes

in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the

middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

 

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him,

so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at

the far end.

 

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at

the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it

was sw-e-et!"

 

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the

drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

 

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,

"Your mom liked it!"

 

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're

drunk!"

[CheekY]

LOL unexpected

[Maral]

A young Lebanese guy moves to Montreal and goes to a big department

store

looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

 

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You

start

tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let

me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for

toothpaste,

you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. you get

the idea?" "Of course," the young man said.

 

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the

store

was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make

today?"

 

The kid says, "One."

 

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales

a day. How much was the sale for?"

 

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

 

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

 

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium

fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new

fishing

rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at

the coast, so I told him he was going need a boat, so we went down to

the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then

he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him

down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

 

The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and

you sold him a boat and truck?!"

 

The kid, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife

 

and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already f@#*ed up, you might

as well go fishing."

[THOTH]

Awesome...as usual...