Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day

[ExtraHye]

But what if he wants the guy Maral jan. Don't break his heart like that.

[Maral]

EXTRA,well I guess anything is possible...but I'm pretty sure he doesn't go that way,lucky for us huh????????

[Armo77]

I like Maral's jokes..

[Maral]

And Maral's jokes like you!

 

[Maral]

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic."

Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent

movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912

Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The

"Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled

for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port

of call for the great ship after New York City.

 

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were

disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a

national day of mourning which they still observe today.

 

It is known, of course, as...

 

 

[ This is pretty bad ]

 

 

[ I don't make these up...I'm just the messenger ]

 

 

[ Are you sure you're ready? ]

 

 

Sinko de Mayo

[Maral]

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got

five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five

dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars

for doing a cartwheel while he sat in the tree."

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying

to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,

"Mommy, I got ten

dollars.

The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for

doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree" The mother replied,

"Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I

tricked him, I didn't wear any panties

today."

[Maral]

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a

job.

 

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

 

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to

you.

 

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

 

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[ED]

Wife complains to her man

 

"Honey I'm tired of the same old lovemaking we do over and over again every time, lets change our mood, go somewhere different like a forest"

 

So they go into the forest as they start do what they came to do a policeman walks by and

 

I have to give you both a ticket for your behaviors, you can’t make love in this forest, this is a public forest and it’s against the law.

 

So he gives a man $10 and wife a $100 penalty

 

As policeman walks away man stops him and asks

Wait a minute man, why give me $10 and my wife a $100 penalty?

 

Policeman replies, you see, well, I see you first time in here, but I can’t keep that woman away from this forest

[Maral]

Forgive me but I just couldn't let this go by without sharing with my kiddies

 

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz.(that's OUNCES!Might be a little generous there,but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt,hehe) of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!

[Maral]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,

which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft

during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read

and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half

of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the

gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of

humour.

 

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as

submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance

engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never

had an accident.

 

 

P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Maral]

MEN:

 

It's not so complicated!

 

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature

into something you'd like to have dinner with.

[THOTH]

Yeah Maral - I think you summed it up pretty well...LOL

[Maral]

THE LAST WORD

 

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles

per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks

across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

 

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I

want a divorce."

 

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly

increases her speed to 45 mph.

 

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of

it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,

and she's a far better lover than you are."

 

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly

and slowly increases the speed to 55.

 

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up goes

the speed to 60.

 

"I want the car, too," he continues. The speed is now 65 mph.

 

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and

the boat."

 

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover. This

makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you

want?"

 

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've

got everything I need." she says.

 

"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"

 

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and

smiles. "The airbag."

[Maral]

Ya know it's really ok to post jokes here....I won't charge you guys much

[ExtraHye]

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

 

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

 

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

 

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

Have a nice week!

 

THE MANAGEMENT

[Maral]

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and

the fourth went into the club house to take care of the bill.

 

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man

told the others, "My son is a home builder,and he is so successful that he

gave a friend a new home for free."

 

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a

multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new

Mercedes, fully loaded.

 

"The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is

stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire

portfolio."

 

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care

of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our

sons. How is yours doing?"

 

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dancer in a gay

bar."

 

The other three men grew silent as he continued,"I'm not totally thrilled

about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three

boyfriends gave him a house, a brand-new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[Maral]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Maral]

I apologize for the silliness of this joke

 

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, and F are the letters used to define Bra Sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for . . . It is about time you became informed!

 

(A) Almost Boobs

( Barely There

© Can't Complain

(D) D@mn!

(DD) Double D@MN!

(E) Enormous

(F) Fake

 

[ED]

so which one is yours?

 

I get a hint yours is B?

Edited December 24, 2003 by Edward

[Maral]

Hey where did the B go???????Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

And Edward...about my ...uhum ... size...just check out my pic at the left

[ExtraHye]

[ExtraHye]

Marriage Advice From Kids

(As answered by elementary school students)

 

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

- Kirsten, age 10

 

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

 

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

- Camille, age 10

 

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

- Freddie, age 6

 

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

 

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8

 

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

 

Both don't want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8

 

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

 

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

- Lynnette, age 8

 

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10

 

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

 

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

- Craig, age 9

 

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

 

When they're rich.

- Pam, age 7

 

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

 

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

 

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

 

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9

 

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8

 

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

 

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

 

- Ricky, age 10

[THOTH]

LOL Extra...

 

now which Hyeforumers really said those things?

[Sasun]

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

I think it was me who said that

[ExtraHye]

LOL Extra...

 

now which Hyeforumers really said those things?

Now don't tell me you forgot about the interview...

Edited December 25, 2003 by ExtraHye