New Jokes Anyone?

[ExtraHye]

21 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

 

 

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and

muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

 

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"

incessantly.

 

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering

inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

 

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear

yours upside-down.

 

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the

wall, without getting off.

 

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the

doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by

themselves.

 

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm

handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

 

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that

it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the

shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

 

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and

then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

 

10. Meow occasionally.

 

11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your

nose.

 

12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the

side.

 

13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce

"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the

elevator.

 

14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the

other passengers.

 

15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is

that your beeper?"

 

16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

 

17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red

buttons.

 

18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

 

19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and

announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal

space."

 

20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

 

21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other

passengers.

[ExtraHye]

Top 16 Things To Do In A Driving Test (Rated PG)

 

Submitted By: Anonymous

 

1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off

slap his/her hand.

 

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say

with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

 

3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the

middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every

one.

 

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the

car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he

doesn't dirty the seat.

 

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas.

Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

 

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch

and say "Oops."

 

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now

which one is the gas again?"

 

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get

out and check the oil.

 

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

 

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude

smells like mothballs.

 

11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial

test.

 

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the

examiner.

 

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

 

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while

looking back and forth between the person next to you and the

light.

 

15. Beep your horn at everything.

 

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the

examiner to hold it up.

Edited November 23, 2003 by ExtraHye

[poghosyan]

The Greatness of Men

 

 

Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.

 

Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

 

Men are like Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

 

Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

 

Men are like Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

 

Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

 

Men are like Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, &can keep you up all night long.

 

Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

 

Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

 

Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

 

Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

 

Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

 

Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or, how long it will last.

 

Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

 

Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[-=VAHE=-]

Im gonna say this in english:

 

An Abrantsi kid goes to his father and says " Dad what are bridges for??

The father says " what are you stupid? If it werent for bridges what would water run under.""

[ExtraHye]

Dr. Suess's Lost Tongue Twisters (G)

 

Joke Submitted By: unknown

 

 

Say this out loud:

 

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is fool cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cats

 

Now say out loud the THIRD word in each line, from the start!

[ExtraHye]

Top 20 Things to Do in a Drive-Thru

 

Joke Submitted By: Anonymous

 

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your

passenger order.

 

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something

that you did not ask the price for.

 

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee

this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open.

Roll down window and take food through the window.

 

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at

night. Put up a fight.

 

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

 

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood

you are in.

 

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are

just window shopping and drive on.

 

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

 

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

 

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come

back on.

 

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on,

complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May

I take your order?"

 

12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can

I take yours?"

 

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it

till they yell at you.

 

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in

moving it. When they come out, drive away.

 

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

 

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

 

17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line

forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

 

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with

all the trash from your car in it.

 

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't

break your stare.

 

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Edited November 23, 2003 by ExtraHye

[Sip]

The missionary

 

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

 

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

 

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this,the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

 

The missionary is really becoming enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top,he sees a couple

in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

 

The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

 

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has

spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

 

The chief replied, "My bike."

[angel4hope]

hahahahahahah that was funny-- yet a bit amoot--hehe but really funny

[CheekY]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

 

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In

some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still

a negative."

 

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double

positive can form a negative."

 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the

class that on each Friday, she will ask a question, and anyone who

answers correctly doesn't have to come to school the following

Monday.

 

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand

are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

 

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars

are in the sky?" And again no one could answer.

 

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would

somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

 

So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints

them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this

week's question," Johnny empties the bag on the floor, sending the

Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

 

The teacher shouts, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black

balls?"

 

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, "Bill Cosby!

See ya on Tuesday!"

[CheekY]

sorry

 

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

 

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

 

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

 

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

 

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[MJ]

Thinking and speaking

 

1) I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around, walked back out, and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

 

2) I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

 

3) My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

4) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

 

5) A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

 

6) Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had many problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

7) This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor that will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[ExtraHye]

A Blonde Game Of Intelligence

 

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

 

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

 

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

 

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

 

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

 

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[ExtraHye]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

 

Scroll down for the answer...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

 

Men keep'a scrollin'...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

[Sasun]

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Good one... BTW, any perfect women around HyeForum?

[THOTH]

They're all perfect Sasun...thats what all you guys need to figure out for once...

[ExtraHye]

Good one... BTW, any perfect women around HyeForum?

Don't know about perfect, but the woman who posted this joke seems to be extra close to it.

[Sasun]

Don't know about perfect, but the woman who posted this joke seems to be extra close to it.

so you too can't drive well ?

[Sasun]

They're all perfect Sasun...thats what all you guys need to figure out for once...

Thoth, everyone is perfect for me

[THOTH]

...just some are more extra perfect...

 

 

They're all perfect Sasun...thats what all you guys need to figure out for once... Thoth, everyone is perfect for me

 

and thats just because your desperate sasun...

 

there...did I finally do that one more or less right?

Edited December 8, 2003 by THOTH

[Sasun]

..just some are more extra perfect...

 

and thats just because your desperate sasun...

exactly like you Thoth

[THOTH]

not at all exactly my friend...

[ExtraHye]

so you too can't drive well ?  

Nope I'm extra close to perfection (so that makes me a good driver ). Never said I was.

Edited December 8, 2003 by ExtraHye

[Sasun]

not at all exactly my friend...

oh yeah, so what makes you think i am desperate ?

[Sasun]

Nope I'm extra close to perfection (so that makes me a good driver ). Never said I was.

well, i guess i am perfect since my driving is so bad

[THOTH]

oh yeah, so what makes you think i am desperate ?

Well your sensitivity for one....