New Jokes Anyone?

[Sasun]

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

[Sasun]

Check this out... man, this is too funny and very well done...

 

http://www.jibjab.com/MovieViewer.aspx?contentid=162

[gamavor]

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a

Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

 

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he

said.

 

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an

outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

 

"I don't think you understand-I want something very

unique," the man said.

 

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our

special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at

$40,000."

 

The girl's eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would

take it.

 

"How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

 

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to

make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a

check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll

fetch the ring on Monday."

 

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the

man. "You lied; there's no money in that account."

 

"I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a fantastic

weekend I had?"

 

[joseph parikian]

http://caricature.ajeeb.com/Database/DefaultArabicPics/default14.gif

http://caricature.ajeeb.com/Database/DefaultArabicPics/default13.gif

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http://caricature.ajeeb.com/Database/DefaultArabicPics/default1.gif

Edited July 14, 2004 by joseph parikian

[Harut]

an extremely old one, but still...

 

delegates from yerevan go to villages to interview the workers. the news spreads in the village that they are going to be interviewed.

one woman worker before going for an interview asks her boss:

-what is an interview?

-i'm not sure, but change your underware in any case.

[gamavor]

[ED]

LMAO This is a perfect place to post this, I just find this hilarious

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Kennedy victim of terrorist watch list

Airlines refused to board well-known senator 5 times

 

His name is similar to an alias used by suspect

 

WASHINGTON—Veteran Senator Edward Kennedy said yesterday he had been misidentified on a terrorism watch list five times when he tried to board airliners between Washington and Boston.

The Massachusetts Democrat, who has been in the U.S. Senate since 1962, was stopped as he tried to board US Airways shuttles because his name resembled an alias used by a suspected terrorist, his aides said.

"If they have that kind of difficulty with a member of Congress, how in the world are average Americans, who are getting caught up in this thing, how are they going to be treated fairly and not have their rights abused?" Kennedy asked Homeland Security Undersecretary Asa Hutchinson.

Hutchinson, who apologized for "any inconvenience" to the senator, was testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee on the need for the federal government to take over the watch lists, which are currently administered by the airlines.

Kennedy said he was stopped at airports in Washington, D.C., and Boston three times in March.

Airline agents told him he would not be sold a ticket because his name was on a list.

Instead of acknowledging the silver-haired septuagenarian as the congressional leader whose face has flashed across the nation's television sets for decades, the airline agents acted as if they had stumbled across a fanatic who might blow up an airplane and refused to give him his ticket.

 

 

 

http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentSe...ol=968350060724

[Sasun]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He

reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon

further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

 

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30

feet above this field."

 

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

 

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is

technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

 

The man below says, "You must work in business."

 

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 

"Well" says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're

going, but you expect me to be able to help. You are in the same

position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[ED]

Ok you are on your own to dig it Nairi, this one is for you

 

A joke for Nairi

 

 

մի որ մի մարթ անցնումե մի փողոցով, տեսնումե մեռել են տանում, մոտենում է մի տղայի հարցնում է, թե էս ով ե մեռել???

 

ես տղան ել բա զոնքանչս ե մեռել ախպեր ջան,

բա ես ինչու եք դագաղը կողքի վրա տանում??

 

ուղիղ մեջքի վրա ենք տանում խռռացնում է

Edited September 7, 2004 by Edward

[nairi]

:lol: Good one!

[Sasun]

A sheep farmer is minding his own business in his field, when along

comes a man dressed head to toe in Gucci, driving a red convertible

sports car. He approaches the sheep farmer and says,

 

"If I can tell you how many sheep you own, can I keep one of them?"

 

The farmer is baffled, but curious, so he agrees. The man goes back

to the car and takes a plot from his GPS, gets his palm-top, and

sends an e-mail to NASA. NASA take a look at the area via satellite,

and run a program to separate the sheep population, then run a

simple programme to count them. Within seconds, they send the man an

e-mail which reads,

 

"1,596"

 

"One thousand, five hundred and ninety six," says the man to the

farmer.

 

The farmer is actually quite impressed, and keeps his side of the

bargain.

 

"Alright," he says, "choose any sheep, and you can keep it."

 

The man puts the nearest one in the boot of the car and is about to

drive away, but the farmer says,

 

"Wait. If I can tell you what you do for a living, can I have my

sheep back?"

 

The man is baffled, but curious, so he agrees.

 

"You are a consultant," says the farmer.

 

"How did you know that?" asks the man.

 

The farmer replies, "You came out of nowhere, uninvited, to tell me

something I already knew, and wanted payment for it. It is clear to

me that you don't even know anything about sheep. Now please give me

back my dog."

[Maral]

[Armen]

Counld't find a place to post this...Did you guys notice Ara Baliozian posting this emoticon too often lately...Does he feel cool recently or what

I know it is a typo...but couldn't help it. He is just so funny to imagine Ara like this

[Anileve]

Ok you are on your own to dig it Nairi, this one is for you

 

A joke for Nairi

մի որ մի մարթ անցնումե մի փողոցով, տեսնումե մեռել են տանում, մոտենում է մի տղայի հարցնում է, թե էս ով ե մեռել???

 

ես տղան ել բա զոնքանչս ե մեռել ախպեր ջան,

բա ես ինչու եք դագաղը կողքի վրա տանում??

 

ուղիղ մեջքի վրա ենք տանում խռռացնում է  

style_images/master/snapback.png

 

I don't get it.

[Anileve]

http://caricature.ajeeb.com/Database/DefaultArabicPics/default1.gif

style_images/master/snapback.png

 

This one is great!

[nairi]

Ani, freely translated:

 

One day a man is walking down the street and sees a coffin being carried. He approaches a guy and asks him: "Who died?". The guy goes: "The mother-in-law, aghber jan". The man says: "But then why are you carrying the coffin on its side??". The guy says: "When we turn it on its back, she starts snoring." I know very harsh, but funny nevertheless, and funnier the way Ed told it

[Sasun]

Engineering wit

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Btw.. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident!

 

(P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Sip]

Sorry if this has been posted before:

 

Subject: *Shark Fishing*

 

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Pope mobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.

 

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

 

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told t hem. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

 

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

 

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

 

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing..............how's the bait holding up?"

 

[Azat]

Ani, freely translated:

 

One day a man is walking down the street and sees a coffin being carried. He approaches a guy and asks him: "Who died?". The guy goes: "The mother-in-law, aghber jan". The man says: "But then why are you carrying the coffin on its side??". The guy says: "When we turn it on its back, she starts snoring." I know very harsh, but funny nevertheless, and funnier the way Ed told it

style_images/master/snapback.png

 

A similar joke

One day a man is walking down the street and sees his good friend from Gumri caring a coffin in the streets of Yerevan. He approaches his friend and asks him: "Who died?". The friend says : "My mother-in-law". He asks: "Why are you going to berry her in Yerevan since she and her whole family are from Gumri". The guy says: (this part has to be in Armenian)"Tsavt tanem, Gumrium hogh xonava karogha tsil ta"

[Arpa]

Beware! This joke has political, social and religious implications.

====

 

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington,

who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I

helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. After

that James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. He was followed

by an angry Thomas Jefferson, who whacked Osama over the head with a

cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other

early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist

leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," Osama said to the angel.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72

Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

[Arpa]

I could not think any better place to post this but in the humor department.

Humor may be the best medicine but it seems ridicule is the best cure.

Has the Quran been revised lately?Has it been amended to accomomate the newly sprung female jihadists and "suicide bombresses"? What do they inherit? 72 Arabian (horse)studs?

And, finally, why only 72, 6 dozens? Is it because there were only 72 virgins in all of Arabia at that time?

It makes one wonder why we still write comedies and farcical literature? Were not the Bible and the Koran enough?

This is the humor section. If we intend to answer any of the questions above we ahould do so under another subject topic such as Culture.

=====

 

 

Does the Koran really promise Islamic martyrs 72 virgins?

 

14-Dec-2001

 

The following is taken from here; http://www.straightdope.com/columns/011214.html

 

Dear Cecil:

 

There's been a lot of talk about how the hijackers who destroyed the World Trade Center expected to receive 72 virgins (or 70 or 50, depending on whom you listen to) in paradise. Is this really true? (That they expected this, I mean, not that they'll receive it.) It seems a rather unsophisticated and juvenile theology: "In heaven you can eat all the ice cream you want and stay up past ten o'clock and it's always recess." Is there any Koranic basis for believing that those who kill and die for the faith will get the aforementioned virgins? --J. Haas

Cecil replies:

 

I realize I'm treading on dangerous ground here. But I figure, Salman Rushdie got a fatwa, and I want one too.

 

A couple observations. First, nonfundamentalist Muslims don't take the cosmological parts of the Koran any more literally than nonfundamentalist Christians take the biblical story of Genesis. They understand the bits about virgins and so on as metaphors for the ineffable joys of the afterlife. Second, while dreams of celestial babes may motivate the impoverished Palestinian kids who blow themselves up on Israeli street corners, a number of the 9-11 terrorists were older and had known something of earthly delights. That these middle-class types nonetheless were suicidal fanatics is yet another indication that we've entered a scary new phase.

 

Now to your question. The difficulty in determining what the Koran has to say about virgins and such is establishing what the Koran says, period. Translators vary widely in their rendering of the spare and often opaque text. For example, we find the following passage in a Web-based version of Islam's holy book (www.unn.ac.uk/societies/islamic/index.htm): "Verily, for the Muttaqun [righteous], there will be a success (paradise); gardens and grapeyards; and young full-breasted (mature) maidens of equal age; and a full cup (of wine)" (An-Naba 78:31-34). Whoa, one thinks--the Kingdom of Heaven meets the Playboy Advisor! However, most other English translations, both on-line and in print, replace "full-breasted maidens" with some tame construction such as "companions." Inquiring further, we find that the Arabic word at issue is WakawaAAiba, which appears nowhere else in the Koran. The French, less prudish in these matters, usually render it as something like des belles aux seins arrondis, "beautiful women with round breasts," so I think it's pretty clear what the Prophet, or at least his stenographers, had in mind.

 

Nothing in the Koran specifically states that the faithful are allotted 72 virgins apiece. For this elaboration we turn to the hadith, traditional sayings traced with varying degrees of credibility to Muhammad. Hadith number 2,562 in the collection known as the Sunan al-Tirmidhi says, "The least [reward] for the people of Heaven is 80,000 servants and 72 wives, over which stands a dome of pearls, aquamarine and ruby."

 

A little hype from the marketing department, you may say. Fine. Let's return to the Koran, Islam's font of religious authority. Even if we leave out the racy detail and make allowances for metaphor, we're obliged to admit that Islamic heaven is a pretty rockin' place, with an emphasis on sensual pleasures. The provision of virgins in indeterminate quantities is alluded to at numerous points, and you know they're not just there to fluff the pillows. (In fairness to the Prophet, the physical quality usually attributed to the houris, as they're called, is "wide lovely eyes.") The food, service, ambience., etc, are great. You're allowed to enjoy things the Koran explicitly denies you on earth, such as alcohol, and you won't even get sick. ("Wine . . . delicious to those who drink it . . . will neither dull their senses nor they will become drunk.") Granted, the whole thing is skewed toward the male idea of a good time, a defect by no means confined to Islam. Were Muhammad to found a religion today, I'm confident that each female arrival in heaven would be assigned a comely stud who would provide fabulous sex and in addition hang the curtain rods the first time he was asked. Granted, also, the emphasis on virgins is a little weird. (Think back on the first nights you've been party to. Was this your idea of great sex?) Still, you have to admit, heaven as Party Central sure beats the Christian idea of angels with harps.

 

Does this make Islamic cosmology "unsophisticated and juvenile"? Maybe. (Oh, let's not be lame about this. Of course it does.) But don't be too quick to judge. Christianity, after all, invented the idea of paradise in the first place. Looking at things from the point of view of a cynical materialist, which is the more outrageous proposition--luring the proles with the promise of eternal life, or throwing 72 virgins into the bargain?

 

--CECIL ADAMS

Edited September 11, 2004 by Arpa

[gamavor]

Washington State

 

Someone from Washington buy me a Drink!

 

 

 

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on

the seventh day.

 

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly

pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look

what I've made."

 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great

place of balance."

 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For

example, northern Europe will be a place of great

opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to

be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white

people, and over there is a continent of black people."

 

"Balance in all things," God continued pointing to

different countries.

 

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be

very cold and covered in ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a

land mass and said, "What's that one?"

 

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most

glorious

place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and

forests. The people from Washington State are going to be

handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are

going to be found traveling the world. They will be

extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they

will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and

carriers of peace."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then

proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would

be balance."

 

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait til you

see the idiots I put there."

 

[hytga]

Mi mard pogotsov qaileluts qit bernov haqnuma trubin

Asuma

Tents el gitei

[ExtraHye]

The smallest phone in the world

http://www.afunworld.com/content/20040922/pictures/19/cy018.jpg

The latest from Nokia

http://www.afunworld.com/content/20040922/pictures/19/cy021.jpg

Edited September 22, 2004 by ExtraHye

[Sasun]

Patient to the Psychiatrist:

 

"Doctor, everybody treats me as if I were a dog - I feel like a dog

myself."

 

Psychiatrist: "Let us see what is the problem. Just lie down on this

couch here."

 

Patient timidly: "I'm not allowed to."