New Jokes Anyone?

[Sasun]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

very funny

[joseph parikian]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Packer fan.

She

> >asks her students to raise their hands if they are Packer fans too.

Not

> >knowing what a Packer fan is, but wanting to be liked by their

teacher,

> >their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one

> >exception. A little boy named Johnny has not gone along with the

crowd.

> >The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different. "Because I'm

not

> >a Packer fan" he retorts. "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

> >"I'm a proud BEARS fan!" boasts the little boy. The teacher is a

little

> >perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Johnny why he is a

BEARS

> >fan.

> >Well, my Dad and Mom are BEAR fans, so I'm a BEARS fan too, he

responds.

> >The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What

if

> >your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be

then?"

> >Johnny smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Packer fan."

[Stormig]

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

 

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah , there are only 100 nuns there."The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana , there are only 50 nuns there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho , there are only 25 nuns there."

 

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns there.

[ExtraHye]

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

 

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

 

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

 

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

 

 

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

[ExtraHye]

Soldier's Coffee

 

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

 

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men, and she asked him why they were there.

 

Her grandson replied, "On television, they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

[KavorKin99]

My Son

 

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"? She calls on little Vartanik. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Vartanik says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that`s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Vartanik replied, "The correct answer is `the one with the wedding ring on,` but I like your thinking."

[ED]

My Son

 

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"? She calls on little Vartanik. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Vartanik says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that`s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Vartanik replied, "The correct answer is `the one with the wedding ring on,` but I like your thinking."

[ExtraHye]

Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

 

Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your

mind and . . . begin.

 

 

1. What do you put in a toaster?

 

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

 

 

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

 

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with

reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

 

 

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to

question four.

 

 

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically

divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East

Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

 

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If

you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

 

 

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and

exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

 

 

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

 

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

 

[KavorKin99]

this is kinda bad but lol

Bouncing

 

 

Vartanik wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents` room. Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up.

[KavorKin99]

say what lol

[CheekY]

Italian New York Hotel Experience

 

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

 

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

 

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

 

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

[CheekY]

Admit that you did that

 

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

 

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

 

Nobody answered him.

 

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

 

Again nobody answered.

 

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

 

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

 

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

 

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

 

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

[Stormig]

Awesome, skittles!

[joseph parikian]

Words Women Use

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FINE !

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

 

FIVE MINUTES....

 

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

 

NOTHING !

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD .... (With Raised Eyebrows! )

 

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD....! (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

 

LOUD SIGHhhhhhh......?

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

 

SOFT SIGHhhhh......!

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

 

THAT'S OKAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!????????$$$$$££££££ ( Boy o Boy ! Will it Cost You...! )

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

 

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

 

PLEASE DO.......!

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

 

THANKS...???

A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

THANKS A LOT.....

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[joseph parikian]

-A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

 

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

 

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[joseph parikian]

http://www.abuabed.net/stavro254.jpg

[joseph parikian]

http://www.abuabed.net/dabbour20100701-01.jpg

[joseph parikian]

http://www.abuabed.net/stavro294.jpg

[CheekY]

I'm glad I'm a man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

 

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

 

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,

and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

 

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

 

And I don't go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

 

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,

and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

 

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

 

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

 

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

 

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

 

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

 

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.

It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

 

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

 

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

 

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

 

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

 

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

 

I'm glad I'm a woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

 

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

 

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

 

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.

My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

 

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,

or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

 

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.

I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

 

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

 

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

 

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

 

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

 

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.

 

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

 

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,

or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

 

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

 

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.

Forget all about that old penis envy.

 

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.

Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

 

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[CheekY]

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

 

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

 

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

 

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

 

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

 

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

 

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

 

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

 

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

 

Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

 

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

 

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

 

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

 

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

 

When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

 

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

 

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

 

Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

 

If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

 

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

 

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

 

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

 

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

 

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

 

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

 

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

 

You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

 

When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

 

Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.

 

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

 

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

 

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

[CheekY]

Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state

 

trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

 

The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with

 

the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

 

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll

 

have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

 

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives

 

the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on

 

the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him

 

with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

 

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?"

 

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I

 

wish that guy would've tried that crap with me!

 

-------------------------

 

 

A Italian buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he

 

announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Italian " baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!"

 

was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains Two weeks later, he returns

 

to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian

 

baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud

 

father answers, "Seventeenpounds," The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already

 

weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Italian father takes a slow swig from his

 

long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in

 

to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[joseph parikian]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39557000/jpg/_39557347_papiercee300.jpg

 

The worlds most pierced woman, Elaine Davidson, and Stephen Taylor, the man with the world's longest tongue, celebrate the Guinness Book of Records 100th millionth copy in print.

[CheekY]

some people would just do anything to become popular lol

[ExtraHye]

Wordperfect Customer Support

 

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE)

 

Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you?

 

Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

 

CSE: What sort of trouble?

 

Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

 

CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

 

Customer: Nothing.

 

CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

 

Customer: How do I tell?

 

CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

 

Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

 

CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

 

Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

 

CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

 

Customer: What's a monitor?

 

CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

 

Customer: I don't know.

 

CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

 

Customer: Yes, I think so.

 

CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

 

Customer: I can't. It's dark out here.

 

CSE: Dark?

 

Customer: There's a power outage.

 

CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with?

 

Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

 

CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

 

Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

 

CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

 

CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

[KavorKin99]

The Prisoner

 

 

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.

 

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

 

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..