Arranged Marriages

[Zara]

Today I was talking to one of my friends and I found out that her parents arranged her marriage for her. She was completely mortified and dreading the thought of getting married to someone she didn't know. My great grandmother had an arranged marriage and she got married when she was 14 or 15 years old. She grew to love and respect her husband very much and vice versa. By the way, he was a young French professor.

 

What do you guys think of these kinds of marriages? Are they successful? Repressive? Personally, I don't really know what to make of it so I wanted to know what you guys thought.

[nairi]

It's easier than having to choose for yourself, but repressive if neither party is attracted to the other, or if one of the parties simply doesn't want to get married to anyone.

 

Although my grandmother never regretted her arranged marriage with my grandfather, she did always stress that she envied her children and grandchildren's opportunity to choose.

[Nvard]

you know what's funny about arranged marriages- you actually never know whether it's going to be a successful one or not.

same thing with the so-called free choice.It looks like you make your choice,you use your opportunity, but in the ned you break up.And somebody, whose marriage has been arranged is living happily.

It's all God's will

[Em]

Call me crazy , but I have recently changed my mind about it. With one out of three marriages destined to end in divorce, I have come to the realization that too much freedom isn't such a good thing. You get so caught up in the"my life, my choice, I will do as I please" that you lose sight of the purpose of the institution of marriage.

 

I would like to share an excerpt from an inspirational book I just finished. I will type up the relative portion tomorow.

[ExtraHye]

I’ve seen both arranged and not arranged marriages go bad. But how ever it’s smarter to have your kids pick their lifetime partner out of their own will. However there is a huge difference between the two:

 

If they start an unsuccessful family with an arranged marriage then they will be blaming their parents for this.

 

But how ever if they find their own wife/husband then they have no one to blame but themselves.

 

I always here people say how marriages lasted longer when they where arranged and that more people get divorces now then they did then. I don’t agree with this, the reason that hardly anybody got a divorce in the past is because woman weren’t as independent as they are now. We even have a woman running for president, but they couldn’t even vote in the olden days.

[Harut]

the institution of marriage is outdated and should be abolished altogether...

[Takoush]

the institution of marriage is outdated and should be abolished altogether...

Suppose you are right, then people will have illegitimate children all over the place?

 

I mean, I see that in most respects marriages aren't working very well, I must say you do have a point; but I don't agree on three points:

 

1) Diseases

 

2) Children; and

 

3) The will of God; if you believe in God.

Edited February 22, 2008 by Takoush

[Eva]

Suppose you are right, then people will have illegitimate children all over the place?

 

I mean, I see that in most respects marriages aren't working very well, I must say you do have a point; but I don't agree on three points:

 

1) Diseases

 

2) Children; and

 

3) The will of God; if you believe in God.

 

 

he doesn't

[nairi]

Why illegitimate? There are other ways to legitimize children, such as claiming them before the law. It's an option that couples in Holland have. And even then I'm left wondering: how can a human being be illegitimate? Especially one who had no say in its conception and birth. The same goes for "illegal" immigrants in my book. How can a human being be illegal?

[Takoush]

Why illegitimate? There are other ways to legitimize children, such as claiming them before the law. It's an option that couples in Holland have. And even then I'm left wondering: how can a human being be illegitimate? Especially one who had no say in its conception and birth. The same goes for "illegal" immigrants in my book. How can a human being be illegal?

 

You know Nairi, I was speaking from what I have heard all my life hearing my elders talking about this and that illegitimate child and so and so. I see your point now when there are numerous women nowadays that are single moms and nobody's saying their children are legitimate or not or whatever. Usually Armenians and Greeks in that nature do. Personally, at this stage of my life I'm beginning to wonder about the institution of marriage also.

 

Talking now about immigrants; governments say that for instance in the U.S. there are a lot of "illegal" immigrants that come here without going through "red tape", meaning having a kin to apply for them then the whole process of application processes and physicals that for instance, I had to endure before being able to make my move from Canada to the U.S. Now people who just sneak in this country without all those legalities and processes are called "illegal" immigrants.

Edited February 22, 2008 by Takoush

[Ashot]

Ok peoples - The biggest issue today is the children that have so much "independence", now this might sound funny, but this whole thing is making them blind - leaving two options, getting merried to a guy that they think is the perfect one, but end up divorcing = 1 out of 1000 families end up in a good marriage! the other one is they go out with so many guys that now they don't know who to choose, and they end up being very picky and not finding the right person untill their late 20's or early 30's and end up marrying or not...

 

One of the biggest problems we are facing today is children growing up without a mother or a father. It is very hard to raise a child when you are a single parent. Your child grows up with nanny, grandparents, not seeing you as much as needed, and doesn't get the family influence as much as needed, especially in the early stages of life!

 

On the other hand, fixed marriages, as far as I know at least 80% of them work out just fine, especially when they are arranged as early as 16-19 years old!!! the couple get's used to one another, becoming a family!!! Besides, no one's parents would want the bad for their children, no matter how bad the parent is, they always want the best for their own children!!!

 

Basically "love matches start out hot and grow cold, while arranged marriages start out cold and grow hot" - not in every case but most cases!!!

[Harut]

Ok peoples - The biggest issue today is the children that have so much "independence", now this might sound funny, but this whole thing is making them blind - leaving two options, getting merried to a guy that they think is the perfect one, but end up divorcing = 1 out of 1000 families end up in a good marriage! the other one is they go out with so many guys that now they don't know who to choose, and they end up being very picky and not finding the right person untill their late 20's or early 30's and end up marrying or not...

 

One of the biggest problems we are facing today is children growing up without a mother or a father. It is very hard to raise a child when you are a single parent. Your child grows up with nanny, grandparents, not seeing you as much as needed, and doesn't get the family influence as much as needed, especially in the early stages of life!

 

On the other hand, fixed marriages, as far as I know at least 80% of them work out just fine, especially when they are arranged as early as 16-19 years old!!! the couple get's used to one another, becoming a family!!! Besides, no one's parents would want the bad for their children, no matter how bad the parent is, they always want the best for their own children!!!

 

Basically "love matches start out hot and grow cold, while arranged marriages start out cold and grow hot" - not in every case but most cases!!!

 

fixed marriages work out better in terms of lesser divorces, because people who are pushed into that kind of marriages are people who are generally "hnazand"/"hamakerpvogh"/"anvoghnashar"/etc people who, no matter how bad their situation is, are afraid to do anything about it... there is no way back or out of it... so they stick to the marriage their parents chose for them and that's the end of story... because for them, the other option is jumping from the clip, just like Maro did...

[Harut]

Suppose you are right, then people will have illegitimate children all over the place?

 

how can children be "illegitimate" if there is no such thing as marriage to produce "legitimate" children?

[Anonymouse]

fixed marriages work out better in terms of lesser divorces, because people who are pushed into that kind of marriages are people who are generally "hnazand"/"hamakerpvogh"/"anvoghnashar"/etc people who, no matter how bad their situation is, are afraid to do anything about it... there is no way back or out of it... so they stick to the marriage their parents chose for them and that's the end of story... because for them, the other option is jumping from the clip, just like Maro did...

 

Maybe you forget that to even have any successful relations, whether friendship or marriage, involves biting your tongue more often than letting it loose on the other side. After all, most of our loving relations (be they with friends, parents, etc.) are not for their perfections, but their faults. If people viewed even friendship, nevermind marriage, as an endeavor in picking the faults we are most comfortable with and willing to tolerate, then it wouldn't seem that bad. But people are full of shyt, thinking in abstractions all the damn time. Of course, someone will think they are so intelligent and point out, "but what if they are just soooo faulty," well, this is where I say differences are in degrees, not in kinds.

 

The logical implication of what you seem to prescribe based on the notion of being afraid to do anything about it is a throw away society that breaks down at the slightest sight of disagreeable behavior or behavior contrary to our supposed lofty goals and ideals.

 

 

[Harut]

Maybe you forget that to even have any successful relations, whether friendship or marriage, involves biting your tongue more often than letting it loose on the other side. After all, most of our loving relations (be they with friends, parents, etc.) are not for their perfections, but their faults. If people viewed even friendship, nevermind marriage, as an endeavor in picking the faults we are most comfortable with and willing to tolerate, then it wouldn't seem that bad. But people are full of shyt, thinking in abstractions all the damn time. Of course, someone will think they are so intelligent and point out, "but what if they are just soooo faulty," well, this is where I say differences are in degrees, not in kinds.

 

The logical implication of what you seem to prescribe based on the notion of being afraid to do anything about it is a throw away society that breaks down at the slightest sight of disagreeable behavior or behavior contrary to our supposed lofty goals and ideals.

 

that's all good and dandy, but has nothing to do with what i was pointing out, which was the divorce statistics and how people use it to justify arranged marriages...

being able to choose your life partner and "biting your tongue" to work out the relationship has nothing to do with being told who to marry and psychologically not being able to do anything about it when things get out of hand...

[Takoush]

Maybe you forget that to even have any successful relations, whether friendship or marriage, involves biting your tongue more often than letting it loose on the other side. After all, most of our loving relations (be they with friends, parents, etc.) are not for their perfections, but their faults. If people viewed even friendship, nevermind marriage, as an endeavor in picking the faults we are most comfortable with and willing to tolerate, then it wouldn't seem that bad. But people are full of shyt, thinking in abstractions all the damn time. Of course, someone will think they are so intelligent and point out, "but what if they are just soooo faulty," well, this is where I say differences are in degrees, not in kinds.

 

The logical implication of what you seem to prescribe based on the notion of being afraid to do anything about it is a throw away society that breaks down at the slightest sight of disagreeable behavior or behavior contrary to our supposed lofty goals and ideals.

 

Hi Anon inchbes es?

 

Yes there's a great deal of Americans and others too who subscribe to what you're saying above (being throw away society); but what do you say when a partner for instance;

 

Stops working at his/her marriage and regards his/her family first and utmost and puts his/her spouse way in the back seat because he/she does not carry the same blood in his/her veins? Especially when the in-laws treat the spouse badly? Or

 

If he is a notorious womanizer, or

 

he has sickness such as a horrible gambling problem, or

 

a very heavy drinking problem, etc. etc. etc.

 

I would say;

 

In the first scenario the resentment stays for always and the relationship falters.

 

In the second scenario, well if the spouse does it only once, maybe she/he can forgive and try to forget about it; but if it keeps coming up again and again; with the scary diseases, it's up to the spouse to let it go and separate or some few people tolerate it.

 

In the third scenario, when a spouse (usually men) have a heavy gambling problem they can seek help and hopefully can be cured mostly.

 

In the fourth scenario, again AAA and if the spouse is willing the heavy drinking will be mostly cured when they seek help.

 

 

 

Other things go wrong in marriages too; but I put out a few of the above that would be reasons for separation or divorce. In my view I think there are very few marriages that are really successful and happy. Of course if a couple are free spirited couple, they both make money and they are both in control of themselves and their destiny, they have guts and they don't regard much that their children will suffer to some extent about the divorce or the separation. But I agree to the fact that in pre-arranged marriages, most of them cease to have spine/guts to separate even when things go wrong.

Edited February 22, 2008 by Takoush

[Anonymouse]

that's all good and dandy, but has nothing to do with what i was pointing out, which was the divorce statistics and how people use it to justify arranged marriages...

being able to choose your life partner and "biting your tongue" to work out the relationship has nothing to do with being told who to marry and psychologically not being able to do anything about it when things get out of hand...

 

I think it does have everything to do with it, regardless of what people use to justify arranged marriages. By insinuating these people don't get a divorce because they have no spine or will take anything, you are implying that they are biting their tongue and taking it therefore having a lower divorce rate, whereas people who chose to get married, have more of a backbone and therefore know when to say "Enough" and thereby get a divorce.

 

You brought this up, not me. I am merely taking what you stated to its logical implication.

 

[Anonymouse]

Hi Anon inchbes es?

 

Yes there's a great deal of Americans and others too who subscribe to what you're saying above (being throw away society); but what do you say when a partner for instance;

 

Stops working at his/her marriage and regards his/her family first and utmost and puts his/her spouse way in the back seat because he/she does not carry the same blood in his/her veins? Especially when the in-laws treat the spouse badly? Or

 

If he is a notorious womanizer, or

 

he has sickness such as a horrible gambling problem, or

 

a very heavy drinking problem, etc. etc. etc.

 

I would say;

 

In the first scenario the resentment stays for always and the relationship falters.

 

In the second scenario, well if the spouse does it only once, maybe she/he can forgive and try to forget about it; but if it keeps coming up again and again; with the scary diseases, it's up to the spouse to let it go and separate or some few people tolerate it.

 

In the third scenario, when a spouse (usually men) have a heavy gambling problem they can seek help and hopefully can be cured mostly.

 

In the fourth scenario, again AAA and if the spouse is willing the heavy drinking will be mostly cured when they seek help.

 

 

 

Other things go wrong in marriages too; but I put out a few of the above that would be reasons for separation or divorce. In my view I think there are very few marriages that are really successful and happy. Of course if a couple are free spirited couple, they both make money and they are both in control of themselves and their destiny, they have guts and they don't regard much that their children will suffer to some extent about the divorce or the separation. But I agree to the fact that in pre-arranged marriages, most of them cease to have spine/guts to separate even when things go wrong.

 

So in your example, if the people were married because of an arranged marriage, I would say they would have no excuse to have chosen such partners, but in a free choice world, my question would be, why did women choose to be with such men to begin with? I cannot blame those men any more than I blame those women who choose them, and then they turn around and talk about how much of a creep he is, or what not.

 

Those choices you listed are pretty much grounds for divorce, but most people divorce or separate for many other stupid reasons. And besides, if I were a chick I'd never make that choice anyway because most of these women who choose these "jerks" have what I have railed against for ages, this notion of changing the guy or thinking he will change for them or what have you because they believe their vagina is a magical vagina that this guy will surely change all his life for! Oh brother. And when you give people choice, they choose the worst of the worst and complain about it. When you arrange a marriage, they end up with someone good and solid and they complain about it.

 

[Harut]

I think it does have everything to do with it, regardless of what people use to justify arranged marriages. By insinuating these people don't get a divorce because they have no spine or will take anything, you are implying that they are biting their tongue and taking it therefore having a lower divorce rate, whereas people who chose to get married, have more of a backbone and therefore know when to say "Enough" and thereby get a divorce.

 

You brought this up, not me. I am merely taking what you stated to its logical implication.

 

i see a very fine line between "biting your tongue" (especially knowingly) to maintain a relationship and not being able to do anything about it when "danak@ voskorin hasnel"...

[gamavor]

I personaly don't see anything wrong with arranged marriages, esp. for people like us that live among foreigners.

[Takoush]

So in your example, if the people were married because of an arranged marriage, I would say they would have no excuse to have chosen such partners, but in a free choice world, my question would be, why did women choose to be with such men to begin with? I cannot blame those men any more than I blame those women who choose them, and then they turn around and talk about how much of a creep he is, or what not.

 

Those choices you listed are pretty much grounds for divorce, but most people divorce or separate for many other stupid reasons. And besides, if I were a chick I'd never make that choice anyway because most of these women who choose these "jerks" have what I have railed against for ages, this notion of changing the guy or thinking he will change for them or what have you because they believe their vagina is a magical vagina that this guy will surely change all his life for! Oh brother. And when you give people choice, they choose the worst of the worst and complain about it. When you arrange a marriage, they end up with someone good and solid and they complain about it.

 

No Anon, you and I can't just pinpoint and say what the reasons are or were for those "chicks" as you put it to marry these guys. Let's say in some cases the men don't show their low sides, then there are cases that the woman is sooooo much in love that she may feel it or see it; but disregards it for the sake of her powerful passions and emotions. Then of course it's her shortcoming for not going ahead with her better judgment to begin with, as after all a marriage should be for keeps, right? Hopefully right. Then there are cases of a woman where she would see the low sides in a man before marriage but again she would dismiss it; because (a) she deoesn't want to be a "doon mena"; or ( b ) her biological clock is running out; or ( c ) stupidly she may think that she can change him; which we know that almost never happends. And then there are such cases that the woman would'nt give enough time before marriage to either ask around or go out with him until she finds out a good deal about his characer/lifestyle, etc. Then it would be her shortcoming for rushing things before marriage. But the scenario could be the other way around too. It could be the guy who would be suffering with a gal that is not par to him. Either gender can suffer too with unreasonable spouses. That's why it's very important to find a spouse that matches your most important ethics and mores; otherwise it would be hell and NO heavan!

 

 

Now Gams says that he would have no problem with a nicely arranged marriage. In most cases they do work out alright. Yes parents mean very well for their offsprings; but I still think that the children should decide for themselves (fall in love and but also to think with their brains as well whether that individual that you fell in love with has indeed your most important basic ethics and mores or not. Otherwise it won't work out.

 

 

 

Edited February 22, 2008 by Takoush

[gamavor]

Now Gams says that he would have no problem with a nicely arranged marriage. In most cases they do work out alright.

 

Yes!Yes!Yes! By "arranged" I don't mean only parents or someone from your family circle to "arrange" somebody for you. A friend in need is a frend indeed! Friends, esp. after certain age know you better than anybody else. Plus, a friend will never blame you for "dumping" her/him if something goes wrong.

[Harut]

Yes!Yes!Yes! By "arranged" I don't mean only parents or someone from your family circle to "arrange" somebody for you. A friend in need is a frend indeed! Friends, esp. after certain age know you better than anybody else. Plus, a friend will never blame you for "dumping" her/him if something goes wrong.

 

someone, please arrange me a marriage with sharapova...

[Takoush]

someone, please arrange me a marriage with sharapova...

How about choosing one of these pretty Armenian girl's instead of Sharapova?....

Haygagan_darazov_Hayortiner.bmp

[Ashot]

Harout jan, Anonymous jan, Takoush jan - we are all forgetting something here - Personally I am not married - but you know what I think?

Here is what I think - I am honestly discusted with the divorce rate as of today. You know what, you can say all you want, but here is the conclusion, you best think 10 times before you get married, because when you get married and have that child, you will be making a big mistake to divorce. I know many have made this mistake, I know many that are dear to me. One had a husband that was a druggy, the other one had a husband that was an alcoholic, the other one beat her all the time... can't you all see that LOVE IS BLIND? every single one of you should know by now, especially the more experianced ones, that LOVE IS NOT TRUE... you have to be friends for life... you have to make sure that both of you have to support one another trough anything that will come your way, you have to make sure that when you have kids, you will do what's best for them, and thereafter, you don't have a life of your own - there is no more, what about me?, what if I want to, no it's what's best for the kids. this goes to both men and women, after that child is born, your whole life should be about that child and nothing more, just like your parents... think twice please...

 

Harout - would you say your parents have always told you stuff, and you didn't listen to them and they ended up being right?

 

Anonymous - would you say the very first person you dated you tought it was the right one for you, then after a while figured it out it was not?

 

Takoush - would you say that no matter what you do in this life is not for your child?

 

who knows us better then we do? who wants the best for us other then ourselves? who are these people that will do anything and everything to make sure we get what we deserve and then leave in peace? You are right, it's our parents, do you still think they will be wrong to make a decision on introducing you to the right person, that they think you will make a perfect team with, that will make you a strong family?

 

Bring it on - all of you, let's have it case by case, person by person... I can start if you want me to... let's open up the cards on the table, and let's see whose history went wrong and right then figure out why and why not, and see if the arranged marrieg would be better or not...

 

How many children must suffer because of US being so STUBBORN?

 

Children growing up in single-parent families are twice as likely as their counterparts in two-parent families to develop serious psychiatric illnesses and addictions later in life.The question of why and how those children end up with such problems remains unanswered. The study suggests that financial hardship may play a role.Experts say the study, published this week in the British medical journal The Lancet, is convincing because it is unprecedented in scale and follow-up. It tracked about a million children for a decade, into their mid-20's. The study used the Swedish national registries, which cover almost the entire population and provide extensive socioeconomic and health data. Children were considered to be living in a single-parent household if they were living with the same single adult in the housing censuses of both 1985 and 1990. About 65,000 were living with their mother or their father, some 921,000 with both parents. The scientists found that children with single parents were twice as likely as the others to develop a psychiatric illness like severe depression or schizophrenia, to commit suicide or try to, and to develop an alcohol-related disease.

 

IS THIS SO FAR GOOD ENOUGH TO THINK TWICE ABOUT ANY MARRIAGES? IS THIS ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE WHEN YOU GET MERRIED YOU BEST BITE YOUR TONGUE AFTER YOU HAVE THAT CHILD? IS THIS GOOD ENOUGH TO CONSIDER YOUR PARENT'S ADVICES? IF IT'S NOT I CAN BRING UP SO MANY EXAMPLES THAT THE WHOLE THREAD WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH.