Arranged Marriages

[Ashot]

NEVER!!! lol

[Anonymouse]

The above often follows the one before, namely: * They stopped talking. Then they stopped having sex.

 

Personally, I don't think either is a good reason for divorce. At least, not unless the couple has been to therapy and has genuinely tried to resolve their problems.

 

Really? I'm surprised at that stance from you. I would have assumed you would be all about divorce in cases of infidelity and drugs or whatever. As the saying goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Of all the things on that list, infidelity is truly the thing that which I cannot forgive.

 

Or women. Or because people don't report it as often, out of fear.

 

Oh no, not the "they don't report it out of fear" response! I find that to be complete baloney especially in this day and age in Western societies. Women are not the disadvantaged little creatures they once were, and I firmly believe that while there are your run of the mill abusive men, they aren't in great numbers these days, or instead they feel socially castrated from even coming close to abusing their women even if they entertained the thought for fear of ramifications of divorce (especially considering how slanted divorce laws are against men in the States).

 

On a purely linguistic level, what is this expression supposed to mean?

 

It means I don't find sympathy with people who divorce on those trivial reasons, because they don't like something about the person that they chose!. I think that is stupid, selfish and silly and reflects only about how weak and pointless the lives that they have led have been, and its sad that their own jollies are via the next thrills and chills about being "happy" (whatever that means). Who is to say that leading a happy life is the way things ought to be, and not the more difficult, unhappy and struggling life? That then prompts one to ask, does one prefer to live a life of happiness or a life of meaning? A life of happiness is outward driven. What thing that I can do here and now and next that will maximize my utility of being happy, content and pleased? It means supposedly correcting "bad choices" because one perceives a worse social state of existence. So thereby, the presumption, the selfish happiness is the end all of all things. On the flip side, a life of meaning is always about reflecting on the past, and pondering the future. This process does not necessarily involve moments without worries, moments without unhappiness, and moments without depriving yourself of certain dreams or happier avenues you had planned for yourself. It is inward driven in the sense that it requires introspection, self-reflection, self-discipline and self-realization, and of course, the weighing of divergent interests, not just of yours, but of others like children who are now dependent on you. A life of happiness is almost like a life of blindness. Blindness to the trials and tribulations that go and grow with the choices one makes and the unforeseen and perhaps not-always-beneficial pathways that each choice contains.

 

So when you make certain choices and bring children into this world, in my eyes you have lost the right to pursue what you're supposed dreams were, or what you perceive as would put you in a better social state of existence than staying in that situation. If you don't like it, perhaps you shouldn't have made the shortsighted and stupid choices that you made in the heat of passion or imaturity. And if you did, live with it, as it is "till death due us part". It seems modernity has quite a deaf ear for that particular phrase. Every situation has a silver lining and I don't think staying in what one selfishly presumes as an "unhappy marriage" is a bad thing, for if you put aside the prurient and hedonistic interests of a vague and undefined happiness, staying for the greater good of depriving that child or children of a broken home is much wiser in the long run.

Edited February 26, 2008 by Anonymouse

[Ashot]

Anoushik jannn, this is to your post regarding me knowing myself... I know myself perfectly well!!!

And I am 99% sure you know yourself as well

But,

The reason why a lot of people do not know about themselves well, is because they are too busy talking about the affairs of other people than their own.

[Em]

A-

Your point has been dully noted. I get it. But there is one thing you have failed to mention. Marrriage is a difficult relationship to uphold. It requires labor, dedication, sacrifice and respect from BOTH parties involved. One person can bear the weight but for a finite period of time. No one is capable of pulling double duty. After a while the mission becomes gitole and the well being of the child outside of that relationship has to come first.

 

Please go ask the grown children of the innumerable families whose parents stayed together whether they think their mothers were right in staying in intolerable marriages for the sake of the kids. See if they don't pity their mothers and resent their fathers. Ask them if they would opt to live in a peaceful environment even if that meant having to homes and sepetTed parents.

 

Emotional abuse as witnessed by children does just as much harm as a divorce. Happy endings are not guaranteed. And some of us do give up our lives after divorce as well. In the end being a patent means that your identity as an individual is first and foremost that of a provider, nurturer, the one who sacrifices her life so that the child she brought into the world knows that there nothing of importance beyond him/ her.

 

 

Do not wax philosophical on a matter of this nature which u have no firsthand experience with. It is tasteless and viravorakan.

 

 

[Em]

Hetaqrqir e...Chamusnacats mardiq esqan shat ban giten amusnutyan masin ...

 

 

Ba. Chigiteyr? Vomanq karan boloris das tan.

[Ashot]

Em jan, havata xosq@ voch qo masiner vochem im krochs... yes chem asum vor petqa nsteq yev tarapeq... indz liovin sxales haskatsel... yes asumem yerkkoghmani, martnel petqe iren drsevori enpes vor zspi iran amen inchin, tekuz knik@ iran lav chi pahum, ch@petqa xpi viravori yev ayln... qez yete tvuma yes chem tsavum sxalvumes Em jan...

[Em]

Ash jan, my posts directed to A- are for Anonymouse. Not you.

 

I know where you are coming from. I know what you mean. Please see you new PM. :-)

[Anonymouse]

A-

Your point has been dully noted. I get it. But there is one thing you have failed to mention. Marrriage is a difficult relationship to uphold. It requires labor, dedication, sacrifice and respect from BOTH parties involved. One person can bear the weight but for a finite period of time. No one is capable of pulling double duty. After a while the mission becomes gitole and the well being of the child outside of that relationship has to come first.

 

Please go ask the grown children of the innumerable families whose parents stayed together whether they think their mothers were right in staying in intolerable marriages for the sake of the kids. See if they don't pity their mothers and resent their fathers. Ask them if they would opt to live in a peaceful environment even if that meant having to homes and sepetTed parents.

 

Emotional abuse as witnessed by children does just as much harm as a divorce. Happy endings are not guaranteed. And some of us do give up our lives after divorce as well. In the end being a patent means that your identity as an individual is first and foremost that of a provider, nurturer, the one who sacrifices her life so that the child she brought into the world knows that there nothing of importance beyond him/ her.

 

 

Do not wax philosophical on a matter of this nature which u have no firsthand experience with. It is tasteless and viravorakan.

 

I disagree completely. An illuminating point on the matter written with far more clarity and substance that I ever can. Particularly lucid are the passages I have marked in bold.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The American Myth of Divorce

 

"Don't stay together just for the sake of the children." "If divorce is better for you, it will be better for your kids."

 

By William C. Spohn

 

For the past 30 years, Americans have used these ideas to justify their increasing recourse to divorce. Recently, however, mounting empirical evidence indicates that these justifications are illusions. The widespread practice of divorce in this culture has been based on the wishful thinking of adults while its tragic cost has been borne by children.

 

Barbara Dafoe Whitehead's The Divorce Culture analyzes the history and social significance of divorce. More importantly, she raises troubling ethical questions about the practice.

 

First, the factual profile: From 1965 to 1975, the rate of divorce doubled in the United States. It peaked in 1979 at 22 per thousand married women and then stabilized at the 1994 rate of 20 per thousand. Since 1974, 1 million children a year have seen their parents divorce, and 45 percent of all American children can expect their families to break up before they reach the age of 18.

 

This historic increase in divorce evoked minimal public anxiety or debate, unlike previous eras when the divorce rate rose, as it did between 1910 and 1920, and after World War II. Dafoe charges that this change in attitude resulted from a change in the ethical frame of reference applied to divorce.

 

Instead of looking at marital breakup in terms of an ethic of obligation to others, Americans began to see it in terms of an ethic of obligation to the self. In other words, no longer were the parents' interests presumed to be subordinate to their children's; instead, individual happiness became the new standard by which a marriage was judged.

According to Dafoe, this shift was a result of the psychological revolution of the 1960s and '70s, which changed "the locus of divorce from the outer social world to the inner world of the self." In this view, "the family, once the realm of the fettered and obligated self, [became] a fertile realm for exploring the potential of the self, unfettered by roles and obligations."

 

The first wave of literature on the new divorce culture, largely written by relatively affluent and recently divorced women, celebrated these trends as liberating for women and children. After the mid-1980s, however, popular advice books began to challenge some of the earlier assumptions.

 

A more troubling picture emerged from studies of larger populations and from tracing the effects on children over time. It turned out there was no trickle down of psychological benefits from mothers to their children. Even though 80 percent of men and 50 percent of women felt their lives were better after divorce, the effects on children were disastrous. By almost every measure, children in divorced families fared worse: emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, dropping out of school, delinquency, teen pregnancy, and drug use.

 

Remarriage was no solution; children in stepfamilies were two to three times more likely than their counterparts to suffer emotional and behavioral problems and twice as likely to have learning problems.

 

Long-term studies by Judith Wallerstein and others argue that the impact of divorce on children is cumulative. Even 15 years after their parents' divorce, many children are emotionally troubled, occupationally aimless, and unable to sustain a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Their parents' inability to sustain the relationship that counted most to them and the subsequent loss of connection to their fathers seem to have eroded these young peoples' sense of identity and ability to trust others and commit themselves.

In the ethos of expressive individualism, where self-fulfillment is the central moral norm, the parents are the only stakeholders in the marriage. But once we pay attention to the children, it becomes impossible to pretend that divorce is primarily an individual's choice rather than a profoundly social event.

 

Dafoe questions whether our reluctance to blame individuals who divorce has stifled ethical criticisms of the divorce revolution. She writes, "The truth is that divorce involves a radical redistribution of hardship, from adults to children, and therefore cannot be viewed as a morally neutral act."

So, should we stay together for the sake of the children? Dafoe argues that in most cases the answer is yes. Divorce makes sense in the 10 percent to 15 percent of troubled marriages that involve high-level and persistent conflict with severe abuse and physical violence.

 

But the case is not so clear in marriages marked by marital dissatisfaction, emotional estrangement, boredom, or another romantic interest. In these instances, adults, who are more resilient than children, can be expected to sacrifice some of their own interests in order to preserve the stable and caring home necessary for their offspring to flourish. Traditionally, spouses were obligated not merely to stay in a troubled marriage for the sake of the children but to improve it.

 

Society also has a stake in parents' remaining committed: "It is the experience of dependable and durable family bonds that shapes a child's sense of trust and fosters development of such traits as initiative, independence, and even risk-taking," Dafoe writes. "Without these traits, it is extremely difficult to cultivate other personal characteristics such as resourcefulness, responsibility, and resilience, which are essential in a pluralistic society and a demanding global economy."

 

The American discussion of divorce seems to be moving back to the conviction that divorce has ethical and social dimensions. There are calls to retrieve some traditional standards: Children have moral priority; the social cost of divorce has to be counted even more than the benefit to the individual spouse; society has a stake in keeping marriages together; fathers are not dispensable. Such appeals may be able to counter the ethos of expressive individualism that has redefined marriage as an institution for the self-fulfillment of adults.

William C. Spohn is Presidential Professor of Ethics and the Common Good at Santa Clara University.

 

http://www.scu.edu/ethics/publications/iie/v9n2/divorce.html

Edited February 26, 2008 by Anonymouse

[nairi]

This isn't what I would call arranged marriage. This is a friend or a family member introducing you to someone they think you might like. At the end you will make the last chose. I'm talking about when the guy or the girl have no say in who they will spend the rest of their life with.

 

It's called matchmaking.

[nairi]

Really? I'm surprised at that stance from you. I would have assumed you would be all about divorce in cases of infidelity and drugs or whatever. As the saying goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Of all the things on that list, infidelity is truly the thing that which I cannot forgive.

 

I've changed my mind over the years.

 

Oh no, not the "they don't report it out of fear" response! I find that to be complete baloney especially in this day and age in Western societies. Women are not the disadvantaged little creatures they once were, and I firmly believe that while there are your run of the mill abusive men, they aren't in great numbers these days, or instead they feel socially castrated from even coming close to abusing their women even if they entertained the thought for fear of ramifications of divorce (especially considering how slanted divorce laws are against men in the States).

 

I think abuse has too many definitions, from very broad to very narrow. It depends on how you look at it. And sadly, yes, many women are still too afraid to step out of their relationship and report it. But this isn't just about women. It's also about men. Women can be just as abusive as men, though usually psychologically instead of physically, for the obvious reason. In the latter case, it's the men who are too afraid (or, I should say, embarrassed) to report what their wives do as abuse.

 

It means I don't find sympathy with people who divorce on those trivial reasons, because they don't like something about the person that they chose!. I think that is stupid, selfish and silly and reflects only about how weak and pointless the lives that they have led have been, and its sad that their own jollies are via the next thrills and chills about being "happy" (whatever that means). Who is to say that leading a happy life is the way things ought to be, and not the more difficult, unhappy and struggling life? That then prompts one to ask, does one prefer to live a life of happiness or a life of meaning? A life of happiness is outward driven. What thing that I can do here and now and next that will maximize my utility of being happy, content and pleased? It means supposedly correcting "bad choices" because one perceives a worse social state of existence. So thereby, the presumption, the selfish happiness is the end all of all things. On the flip side, a life of meaning is always about reflecting on the past, and pondering the future. This process does not necessarily involve moments without worries, moments without unhappiness, and moments without depriving yourself of certain dreams or happier avenues you had planned for yourself. It is inward driven in the sense that it requires introspection, self-reflection, self-discipline and self-realization, and of course, the weighing of divergent interests, not just of yours, but of others like children who are now dependent on you. A life of happiness is almost like a life of blindness. Blindness to the trials and tribulations that go and grow with the choices one makes and the unforeseen and perhaps not-always-beneficial pathways that each choice contains.

 

So when you make certain choices and bring children into this world, in my eyes you have lost the right to pursue what you're supposed dreams were, or what you perceive as would put you in a better social state of existence than staying in that situation. If you don't like it, perhaps you shouldn't have made the shortsighted and stupid choices that you made in the heat of passion or imaturity. And if you did, live with it, as it is "till death due us part". It seems modernity has quite a deaf ear for that particular phrase. Every situation has a silver lining and I don't think staying in what one selfishly presumes as an "unhappy marriage" is a bad thing, for if you put aside the prurient and hedonistic interests of a vague and undefined happiness, staying for the greater good of depriving that child or children of a broken home is much wiser in the long run.

 

For once, perhaps, I fully agree. I'd like to add that I have become increasingly more annoyed at complaining parents about children. Especially mothers saying things like (in a complaining manner): "I'm so tired all the time; I haven't slept in four years; I have to plan everything around my child; I don't get to do anything anymore; my child demands soooo much attention; etc." No, having children is NOT easy, which is why the moment you decide to have children you should be FULLY aware of the limitations a child will bring into your life. If you are not aware of them, I suggest you babysit your friend's child or children for a week. If you're not "dead tired" at the end of the week, you may be somewhat ready to have children. But if you are dead tired, don't think "but if they were my own children, I'd be more patient" is true; in fact, it's probably further from the truth than anything else. The chance that you will be ten times (or more) less patient with your own children than with other people's children is very probable. And when you decide to go ahead and have children anyway, all the "limitations" that come with it should become a source of happiness instead of a source of misery. You should be able to say things like: "I'm so glad I haven't slept in four years" and "I love revolving my entire life around my children." I have already promised myself to smack the first mother (or father, for that matter) that I hear whining about how difficult and tiring it is to have children.

 

Regardless, that still doesn't answer my linguistic question as to what the expression or idiom "to dish out what one reaps" means. I'm assuming it means something like: "to distribute what you have created," but I don't see how it fits in that particular sentence.

[Anonymouse]

I've changed my mind over the years.

 

I guess if your potential husband is reading this, he knows that he has one free b of cheating before you guys go to the counselor.

 

 

 

For once, perhaps, I fully agree. I'd like to add that I have become increasingly more annoyed at complaining parents about children. Especially mothers saying things like (in a complaining manner): "I'm so tired all the time; I haven't slept in four years; I have to plan everything around my child; I don't get to do anything anymore; my child demands soooo much attention; etc." No, having children is NOT easy, which is why the moment you decide to have children you should be FULLY aware of the limitations a child will bring into your life. If you are not aware of them, I suggest you babysit your friend's child or children for a week. If you're not "dead tired" at the end of the week, you may be somewhat ready to have children. But if you are dead tired, don't think "but if they were my own children, I'd be more patient" is true; in fact, it's probably further from the truth than anything else. The chance that you will be ten times (or more) less patient with your own children than with other people's children is very probable. And when you decide to go ahead and have children anyway, all the "limitations" that come with it should become a source of happiness instead of a source of misery. You should be able to say things like: "I'm so glad I haven't slept in four years" and "I love revolving my entire life around my children." I have already promised myself to smack the first mother (or father, for that matter) that I hear whining about how difficult and tiring it is to have children.

 

Wow! You and I agree? This must be the twilight zone. Spasi mi hat pati mech chop khrem. You raise a very important all too often overlooked point about complaining parents. Seriously, whatever happened to the notion that you assume the risk and that it all comes with the territory? Why do such people bring lives into this world if they aren't prepared to deal with the difficulty that comes with it? If I had no conscience I would kill these people. But then I'd deprive these kids of their parents. I guess shitty parents are still better than no parents.

 

Regardless, that still doesn't answer my linguistic question as to what the expression or idiom "to dish out what one reaps" means. I'm assuming it means something like: "to distribute what you have created," but I don't see how it fits in that particular sentence.

 

More like to withstand what you have created. It seems some people are awfully weak these days. They make choices, and all choices contain ramifications, and then when the logical consequences of those choices come to fruition, they yell "Oh me oh my I did not expect this was going to be this difficult." And so they choose to run away from the hole they created for themselves. Instead of running to it, they run away from it. But alas, this reminds me of something a powerful villain, Apocalypse, in X-Men once said: "There is no freedom from me, there is only freedom through me." And so here, there is no freedom from ones choices (whether good or ill), but only freedom through ones choices.

 

Excelsior.

Edited February 26, 2008 by Anonymouse

[nairi]

I guess if your potential husband is reading this, he knows that he has one free b of cheating before you guys go to the counselor.

 

There is no potential husband, so I have nothing to deal with.

 

More like to withstand what you have created. It seems some people are awfully weak these days. They make choices, and all choices contain ramifications, and then when the logical consequences of those choices come to fruition, they yell "Oh me oh my I did not expect this was going to be this difficult." And so they choose to run away from the hole they created for themselves. Instead of running to it, they run away from it. But alas, this reminds me of something a powerful villain, Apocalypse, in X-Men once said: "There is no freedom from me, there is only freedom through me." And so here, there is no freedom from ones choices (whether good or ill), but only freedom through ones choices.

 

Excelsior.

 

Thanks. It's starting to make more sense.

[Ani]

This thread is a very good pre-marriage counseling…When you need an expert, let me know…

 

As far as for the arranged marriages, I think there is a fine line between forced (I don’t think it is happening nowadays) and suggested…

 

And Eva mentioned about the pressure of the family…I think its just the way our society is constructed, girls have to “fly” away one day…And it doesn’t matter how smart or “anvoghnashar” we are, it is the mentality we’re raised with…People have that expectation from girls…

 

However, I see many girls that are out of those frames, and do not “sacrifice” their lives to please their parents or the society…

 

About being “anvoghnashar” ( “aninqnaser” is also an often used synonym)…I think it takes a pretty strong “voghnashar” to handle this type of a situation…

 

And in addition, I’d like to share a golden advice from my psychology professor, she says “If you want to have a successful marriage, marry your best friend!!!…The infatuation fades in 7-8 months, physical attraction becomes a habit, but friendship is forever, If you’re planning to live with that fool for the rest of your life."

Edited February 27, 2008 by ANI

[ED]

asem te chasem, bayts inch asem vor cheq asel

 

OK, someone tell me what is "love" or respectful, successful marriage?

 

and, did anybody see the movie "goodwill hunting"? if not take a copy and watch it, Robin Williams role.

 

i think one should be able to just be itself in a marriage, what ever that means as longs as your significant other half tolerates it.

 

mine was nor arranged, or it could of been, i consider my self a happy man in life, regardless of the fact (arrangements ) so marriage is like a melon, a lemon, could be a canon? yes it can be.....its all of those things and much much more.

 

so wise up kids take a chance, compromise, job, money and even kids come second, divorce is easy, life after that is harsh.

 

ok...i got to run, my stakes are burning on fire!!

[Ashot]

And in addition, I’d like to share a golden advice from my psychology professor, she says “If you want to have a successful marriage, marry your best friend!!!…The infatuation fades in 7-8 months, physical attraction becomes a habit, but friendship is forever, If you’re planning to live with that fool for the rest of your life."

 

Ani jan, thank you tsavt tanem!!! Exactly my point!!!

[Harut]

And in addition, I’d like to share a golden advice from my psychology professor, she says “If you want to have a successful marriage, marry your best friend!!!…The infatuation fades in 7-8 months, physical attraction becomes a habit, but friendship is forever, If you’re planning to live with that fool for the rest of your life."

 

nairi has stated that in the forum long time ago... well, except the fool part...

[MosJan]

Antsyal Shabatva Zuygeri yerekoyin , zuygerist mek@ berel er sa - hetaqrqir e - jisjt e topici bun temman che sakayn arranged te not arranged amusnutyan het mi qich kap uni

 

 

Trash Your Marriage in Eight Easy Steps PDF Print E-mail

Written by Sue Bohlin

 

The divorce rate is at an all-time high, and marriages are falling apart everywhere you look. Marriages of church-going people are crashing and burning especially fast. There are forces in our culture that contribute to marriage stresses such as pornography, the prevalence of drivenness, two-career families, and the dynamics of the blended family. But people also make foolish choices to destroy their marriages from within.

 

Talking about the family, Proverbs 14:1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Ephesians 5:28 exhorts husbands to love their wives as their own bodies, nourishing and cherishing them. God's plan is that we treasure and cultivate our marriages, but it's very easy to trash them instead. Let's take a tongue-in-cheek look at eight ways that people trash their marriages.

Be Selfish

 

The first step is to be selfish. My pastor once said that the AIDS of marriage is justified self-centeredness. Everything needs to revolve around you because, let's face it, you are at the center of the universe, right? If you find something you like to do that ignores your spouses' feelings and interests, go ahead and do it! Too bad if they don't like it! You only go around once in life, so grab for all the gusto you can get!

 

Always insist on having things your own way. If you don't get your own way, throw a tantrum. Or freeze your spouse out. Get your kids involved in this game by saying things like, "Would you please ask your father to pass the salt?" Don't be afraid to withhold sex if your spouse isn't letting you have things your own way. There's a lot of power in that, so don't waste it!

 

If there's only enough money in your budget for what one of you wants, make sure you get what you want. Especially if you're the wage earner, or if you make more than the other. Money is power, and don't be afraid to use it against your spouse!

 

Make demands instead of requests. Wives, let your husband know that he will do things your way, or you'll make his life miserable. Husbands, when you want your wife to do something, just tell her to do it. "Please" and "thank you" are for the kids. This is your spouse you're talking about--they don't need it. Save all your courtesy for strangers; don't waste it on the person you said you'd spend the rest of your life with.

 

What we really mean to say:

 

Selfishness is guaranteed to hurt marriages, so ask for God's help in putting your husband or wife ahead of yourself so you don't trash your marriage.

Pick at Each Other

 

The second step is to pick at each other. If you know that something you do annoys your spouse, be sure to do it often. And intentionally. When she complains about it, tell her to buzz off, it's not as annoying as the stupid things she does to bug you. The more childish the annoying habit, the better.

 

Be critical of the smallest thing the other one says and does. Don't let your spouse get away with anything! Stay vigilant for every little offense. Be sure to address these small details with an air of superiority . . . unless it works better for you to act like a martyr, as if you deserve the Nobel Prize for putting up with someone who doesn't squeeze the toothpaste from the end.

 

Always get the last word when you're arguing. Dr. Phil McGraw has said that the most accurate predictor of divorce is when people don't allow their partners to retreat with dignity. So make your spouse feel whipped and defeated at the end of a fight. As long as you win, that's what matters.

Let The Kids Be More Important

 

A third step to trashing your marriage is to let the kids become more important than your spouse. Moms, make your husband feel left out of the intimate, secret relationship between you and your baby. As the baby grows, continue to draw the line where it's you and your child on one side, your husband on the other. Keep your Mommy hat on all day and all night. Your kids don't care if your hair is brushed and if you put on perfume and a little makeup before Daddy comes home, so why should he?

 

Dads, invest all your energies into making your child succeed at what he's good at, or what you want him to be good at. Squeeze out Mom so that you will be your kid's favorite parent. Work so hard on homework and school projects that there's no time for family time.

 

Let the kids and your other priorities crowd out your "alone together" time. Date nights are for unmarried people! In order to be fulfilled as a person, it is essential to invest all your energies in parenting, career, housework, church commitments and hobbies, so don't worry if there isn't enough time left over for the two of you. It's no big deal. There's always tomorrow. Or next year.

 

What we really mean to say:

 

Hey! If you find yourself doing these things, stop! You don't have to trash your marriage!

Show Disrespect

 

Show disrespect for your spouse, especially in public. One of the best ways to disrespect your partner is ugly name-calling, especially about things he or she can't change. However, the old standbys of "stupid," "fat," "ugly," "weak," and "loser" are always effective, too.

 

Complain about your spouse to your friends. It's even more powerful if you do it in front of your spouse. Then, if he objects, punch him in the arm and say, "I'm just kidding! You take everything so seriously!"

 

There are a number of ways to show disrespect with nonverbal communication. Roll your eyes, cluck your tongue, narrow your eyes in contempt. The heavy sigh is a real winner, too.

 

Wives: Straighten out your husband when he makes a mistake, especially in front of others. Lecture him. Ridicule him: his feelings, his behavior, his dreams, his thoughts. Do everything you can to emasculate your husband. Husbands: Let your wife know you think your opinion is better than hers. Interrupt her when she's speaking.

 

 

 

[MosJan]

Refuse to Meet Emotional Needs

 

Another easy way to trash your marriage is to refuse to meet your spouse's emotional needs. Men and women need different things from their life partners. Dr. Willard Harley discovered and examined a pattern in his excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Husbands' top needs, it turns out, are: first of all sexual fulfillment; second, recreational companionship; third, an attractive spouse; fourth, domestic support; and fifth, admiration. Wives, if you want to trash your marriage, ignore his need for sex and that you be there for him in leisure time. Blow off his desire that you look your best and he can be proud that you're his wife. Make your home as stressful and chaotic as you can, and never, ever tell him what you admire about him.

 

Wives' top needs are: first of all affection; second conversations; third, honesty and openness; fourth, financial commitment; and fifth, family commitment. So guys, if you want to trash your marriage, don't show your wife you love and appreciate her. Don't talk to her. Close off your heart to her. Make her constantly worry about finances. Don't be a faithful husband and father.

 

Dr. Harley's got a Web site, MarriageBuilders.com, that has a lot of good, practical information for building strong marriages, so you'd better stay away from there if you're not interested in being intentional and constructive!

 

Remember, we're being tongue-in-cheek here. We want you to build your marriage, not trash it!

Treat Your Friends Better than Your Spouse

 

The sixth easy step to trashing your marriage is to treat your friends better than your spouse. Since a lot of men unfortunately don't even have friends, this is something women tend to do more. Women know how to treat their girlfriends. They call them up just to encourage them. They drop off flowers for no reason. They send them cards, and they listen intently to whatever's going on in their lives. They are emotionally invested in their friends. They are quick to mention when someone looks nice or does something well because women are usually good at affirming each other. If you want to trash your marriage, don't do any of these thoughtful kindnesses for your husband. If your girlfriend is having a bad day, go out of your way to take her a wonderful casserole and fresh salad and dessert . . . but serve your husband Spaghetti-O's.

 

But husbands, if your wife needs you for something at home, and your buddy scores some tickets to a game, tell your wife "too bad, so sad." After all, she'll be around forever but tonight's hockey game won't. If someone at church or in the neighborhood needs something fixed, drop everything to take care of it, even if it means that the broken things around your house will continue to go unfixed.

Be a Pansy

 

Step number seven for trashing your marriage has two parts. Husbands, be a pansy. Retreat into the safety of passivity. Refuse to take initiative or responsibility in making plans or suggestions. That way, when things go wrong, you can say, "Don't blame me! It's not my fault!" These are great ways to trash your marriage.

Be His Mother

 

Wives, be a mother to your husband. When people ask how many children you have, say things like, "Two--three, if you count my husband." Tell him to wear a coat when it's cold and take an umbrella when it's raining, because he can't figure it out on his own. Be sure to say "I told you so" as often as possible. If he is passive or irresponsible, jump in and rescue him so he won't have to deal with the consequences of his own choices. Make sure he feels three years old. Tell him how to live his life, down to the smallest detail.

 

What we really mean to say:

 

Please, if you find yourself doing these things, ask for God's help in being constructive instead of destructive. We want to help you build your marriage, not trash it.

When You're Angry, Blow Up

 

Let's talk about one final way to trash your marriage. Yell and scream, or quietly say hurtful words; it doesn't matter. Inflicting pain is the important thing. Call each other names in the heat of your emotion. Dredge up the past and bring up old hurts. You can hit or slap with words as well as with hands, and they each leave a different kind of lasting damage to your spouse and to your marriage. Losing control when you're angry is a powerful way to hurt your spouse.

Build Your Marriage in Eight Harder Steps

 

Well, enough of ways to trash your marriage--how about eight steps to build it? All we have to do is look at the opposite of this article's negative, destructive steps.

 

To build your marriage, fight selfishness by developing a servant's heart. Commit yourself to acting in your spouse's best interests. Do at least one unselfish deed for your husband or wife every day.

 

Second, instead of picking at each other, choose to let things go. Be grace-givers. Remember that "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Pet. 4:8).

 

Third, be intentional in keeping your marriage at the center of your family. Have regular date nights, and schedule times away to invest in the intimacy of your relationship. Go to a FamilyLife Marriage Conference (www.familylife.com).

 

Fourth, commit to actively be respectful to your spouse by never saying anything negative to other people. Be kind in your words and actions. Treat each other as courteously and with the kind of honor you would bestow on a stranger or a dear friend.

 

Fifth, talk about your spouse's particular emotional needs. Read Willard Harley's excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Find out which ones are most important to your partner, and do everything in your power to meet them.

 

Sixth, treat your husband or wife at least as well as you treat your friends. Be as thoughtful and encouraging and affirming as you can possibly be.

 

Seventh: Ladies, resign as your husband's mother. You married an adult; treat him with the respect an adult deserves. Men: Your wife needs a servant-leader--someone who refuses either passivity or tyranny--to love her as Christ loves the church.

 

And last, when you're angry, express it wisely and constructively. Use words like "I'm angry about this" instead of yelling or hurtful silence. If you're too mad to speak with self-control, wait till you cool down. And don't go to bed without dealing with the situation (Eph. 4:26).

 

You don't have to trash your marriage. You can treasure it instead.

 

© 2003 Probe Ministries

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[MosJan]

et 17777 poster@ indz chen xanggarel im amusnakan kyanqum - gone che yes etpes em m@tatsum

[MosJan]

or just take a Cab

 

[nairi]

nairi has stated that in the forum long time ago... well, except the fool part...

 

My pearls of wisdom at work again.

[Aratta-Kingdom]

ey jogovurd, jogovurd.

cankacats dzevi haraberutyun karucvum e pox@mbrman u hagordakcvelu mshakutin dzanot linelu vra. bolor manramasner@ mi koghm, yete mardik mtovi, zgacmunqnerov, irenc hoqeparumnerov/hoqekerdavatsqov irar het hamategeli en, arranged or @ntrovi, amen inch barehajogh kndana. yete voch, ardyunqum klini en inch vor tesnum ek dzer shrjapatum.

 

chmoranam asem vor serayin hamategeliutyun@ payman e [stacvats,] hamategh kyanqov aprelu hamar. ha hayer jan. serayin asatsic mi vaxecik. da nuynqan bnakan e inchqn od shchel@ kam jur xmel@. isk vor gini xmek et gorts@ aveli hetaqrqir kstacvi. isk serayin hamategeliutyun@ amenevin chi nshanakum serayin ansardzandzakutyun. parzapes amen mardu mot ashxarh@kalum@ u chapi zgacum@ tarber e.

 

apri nra het ov qez het hamategeli e. hakarak depqum, mi ambogh kyanq tarapelu u pilisopayelu es

 

 

 

 

 

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