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Arranged Marriages


Zara

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Anonymous - would you say the very first person you dated you tought it was the right one for you, then after a while figured it out it was not?

 

 

Thankfully, I have never proceeded with this assumption.

 

The rest of your post I agree. People bring life into this world, they better dish it out. Divorce is a selfish thing the minute you create life that is dependent on you. It's just institutionally it has become so easier and this notion that we 'deserve' to be happy makes people think "Well, what if they are not happy do you really want them to stay?" YES! They brought a damn kid into this world, as far as I am concerned, they don't deserve my sympathy regarding happiness. Just what determines that we 'deserve' to be happy any more or any less than we 'deserve' to be miserable? Who makes these stupid value judgments and sets these abstract barometers?

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fixed marriages work out better in terms of lesser divorces, because people who are pushed into that kind of marriages are people who are generally "hnazand"/"hamakerpvogh"/"anvoghnashar"/etc people who, no matter how bad their situation is, are afraid to do anything about it... there is no way back or out of it... so they stick to the marriage their parents chose for them and that's the end of story... because for them, the other option is jumping from the clip, just like Maro did...

 

 

"Hnazand"/"hamakerpvogh"/"anvoghnashar" people stay in bad marriages even of their own choosing. Yet you are correct in that a family who would actually force their daughter to marry a total stranger would not be so accepting of a divorce.

 

To clarify my point, I am not making a direct correlation between arranged marriages and divorce rates. I strongly disagree with the notion that at age 16-19 a girl should be spoken for by a potential future husband. It is a bad formula. Just as bad as a 16-19 year old being certain of her own choice in a future partner.

I think this is where th problem lies. Our girls should be allowed to date so that they can make an informed, certain decision (perhaps the most important decision of their lives). Parents who keep their daughters locked up until age 18 should not be surprised when she chooses to marry the first person who shows interest in her... in most cases this guy is "the bad" guy who happens to be very alluring after so much repression and control. It is the ultimate act of rebellion to chose this type of guy against your parents' wishes.

 

 

The arranged marriage that I am an advocate of is not arranged per se. It is more like a recommendation. The family and friends who know you best and love you most are very informed about you as an individual. If they make a suggestion as to who you may want to date and get to know, their suggestions should be taken into consideration. And if they are all collectively screaming at the top of their lungs that the person you have chosen is WRONG WRONG WRONG for you, then you may want to give their voices some consideration. :)

 

Each situation, each marriage is different. But if a large group of our kids are going this route should we not stop and examine what the issues are? Maybe there are certain traditional/ cultural values that are a bit outdated but are being upheld for the sake of the elders. Maybe these issues can be done away with, so some couples would not feel that marriage is the only choice to save face. I am tired of people wlking around the big fat elephant in the room jsut so they don't have to deal with or discuss it.

 

 

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Today I was talking to one of my friends and I found out that her parents arranged her marriage for her. She was completely mortified and dreading the thought of getting married to someone she didn't know. My great grandmother had an arranged marriage and she got married when she was 14 or 15 years old. She grew to love and respect her husband very much and vice versa. By the way, he was a young French professor. :)

 

What do you guys think of these kinds of marriages? Are they successful? Repressive? Personally, I don't really know what to make of it so I wanted to know what you guys thought.

I personally would never accept it; I’d rather kill myself then let my parents chose a husband for me, a complete stranger. Most obviously parents do this thinking that they know the guy and want the best for their children. I believe that being in love and loving someone are two different things; I think there will never be passionate love between two strangers unless they both are stunningly good lucking and fall in love at first sight (fairy tale).

From what I have seen arranged marriages are common among Muslim families that keep the traditions are religious etc and divorce rate among them is not very high. I think they just start loving each other for living under the same roof, people have affection towards their pets, they should have some sort of affection and respect towards others they live with. Also most often it’s successful because Muslim women obey their husbands therefore they just do as they are told and the family doesn’t break apart. I have seen many women that are very unhappy others are too proud to confess that they’re not happy and that their cultural traditions are wrong. Arranged marriages are very common among Muslims living in Britain, there is a helpline and also lots of advice to those who travel to their home country. Many times Pakistani parents take their children back to Pakistan and British government provides help to British – Asian girls. Some girls have committed suicide here in Britain though the parents deny and relation with arranging marriages.

 

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Em jan - stupid reasons for divorce... Men can control themselves to a lever where women never feel that they are being cheated on... Men can control their drinking, drug, and abusive habits. Women can control their demands. These are couple of the minor things... there are more, you can never control the divorce if it must happen it must happen, in some cases he party's family can make the kid grow a better person then the given parent who became the reason for the divorce... but we are not talking about some cases, we are talking about majority!!! Most of the problems in the families are common problems which can be controlled and stabilized!!!
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Then what do you do if the parents are kind of pushing you towards marriage, complaining all the time, actually trying to make you understand that they are kind of tired and want you to get engaged or whatever as long as you aren't like an extra "luggage" on them anymore,,,,, what do you do in that case........??? Do you continue going to school and not paying attention whatever they said and try to concentrate on your studies and social life or you just freaking get so fed up and tired that you just leave...........???? Edited by Eva
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Em jan - stupid reasons for divorce... Men can control themselves to a lever where women never feel that they are being cheated on... Men can control their drinking, drug, and abusive habits. Women can control their demands. These are couple of the minor things... there are more, you can never control the divorce if it must happen it must happen, in some cases he party's family can make the kid grow a better person then the given parent who became the reason for the divorce... but we are not talking about some cases, we are talking about majority!!! Most of the problems in the families are common problems which can be controlled and stabilized!!!

 

Thank you for echoing my sentiments.

 

Here is something I found on a blog posted by a divorce attorney of top reasons people get a divorce.

 

* They don't agree on finances, never talked about it before marriage, and never solved the manner of handling money after marriage.

* They got themselves into an uncomfortable financial situation in the process of being married.

* They stopped talking. Then they stopped having sex.

* He or she started having sex with someone else.

* Someone became gay after the fact. (Solution? Try the other sex in advance?)

* Kids/work/odd hobbies. No time for being married.

* TV, drugs or alcohol.

* No exercise.

* The slow demise into slothful living signifying depression without treatment. Or, no treatment for other noticeable mental health issues, despite their spouses insistence therapy is needed.

* Basic lack of understanding that marriage is tough and sometimes the situation isn't fun or enjoyable.

* Failure to re-enlist for another tour of duty each time the couple is called upon to go deeper and take their relationship to the next level of intimacy and love. Especially at the three and seven year marks.

 

http://lawlady.typepad.com/lawlady_blog/20...op_reasons.html

 

Of that list, whatever I have in bold is in my opinion the only valid time a person can divorce after they have brought children into the equation. It's also interesting that abuse isn't a top reason. That must mean that there aren't as many abusive men as people think. That would be another case of where divorce wouldn't be without merit. And call me insensitive or non-compassionate but there is a reason why divorce rates are much higher now in this era than ever before, and that is because of the trivial reasons people divorce and an unwillingness by people to dish out what they reaped. Any other reason aside from abuse, or what is in bold, cited as divorce, in my opinion, is the hallmark of wrong choices and selfish attitudes. It's akin to an assumption of the risk. When you are dealing with the impressionable life of a child or children, you thereby sacrifice whatever hedonistic pleasure seeking and selfish reasons you had for your "purpose driven life" or lack of.

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* He or she started having sex with someone else.

 

The above often follows the one before, namely: * They stopped talking. Then they stopped having sex.

 

Personally, I don't think either is a good reason for divorce. At least, not unless the couple has been to therapy and has genuinely tried to resolve their problems.

 

It's also interesting that abuse isn't a top reason. That must mean that there aren't as many abusive men as people think.

 

Or women. ;) Or because people don't report it as often, out of fear.

 

And call me insensitive or non-compassionate but there is a reason why divorce rates are much higher now in this era than ever before, and that is because of the trivial reasons people divorce and an unwillingness by people to dish out what they reaped.

 

On a purely linguistic level, what is this expression supposed to mean?

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Ok peoples - The biggest issue today is the children that have so much "independence", now this might sound funny, but this whole thing is making them blind - leaving two options, getting merried to a guy that they think is the perfect one, but end up divorcing = 1 out of 1000 families end up in a good marriage! the other one is they go out with so many guys that now they don't know who to choose, and they end up being very picky and not finding the right person untill their late 20's or early 30's and end up marrying or not...

So want makes you think that the parents will know who their kids should marry. Would you want your mom or dad to say, "Ashot this is the girl you will have to marry and you don't have a say in it" Won't you want to marry the one that you want to spend your time with, the one that you can't live without? I for one would never let anyone run my life like that.

 

You say that "independence is the reason why there are so many divorces, well I happen to know a few families that ended up getting a divorce because they never loved each other and their parents made them get married. Thats just sad.

 

About people getting married late, don't you think that has a lot to do with choice? Don't you think they want a stable job before wanted to commit to something like starting a family?

 

One of the biggest problems we are facing today is children growing up without a mother or a father. It is very hard to raise a child when you are a single parent. Your child grows up with nanny, grandparents, not seeing you as much as needed, and doesn't get the family influence as much as needed, especially in the early stages of life!

 

I agree with you on this, that parents need to be raised by their family. But it's life and things happen. I'm sure when a couple gets married they believe that its going to last forever, but you never know what will happen. Like I said before, arranged marriages end up in divorces just like any other marriages.

 

On the other hand, fixed marriages, as far as I know at least 80% of them work out just fine, especially when they are arranged as early as 16-19 years old!!! the couple get's used to one another, becoming a family!!! Besides, no one's parents would want the bad for their children, no matter how bad the parent is, they always want the best for their own children!!!

Come on now Ashot jan, who gets married that young now. Do you think that we're in the 50's? Don't you think they should learn to take care of themselves before they start a family of their own?

 

You could get used to wearing a new pair of shoes, or you could get used to working with a new coworker, but how could you get used to loving somebody. To be honest with you I think it's gross to even kiss someone you don't like that way, don't even want to think about how they would :rolleyes:

 

 

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fixed marriages work out better in terms of lesser divorces, because people who are pushed into that kind of marriages are people who are generally "hnazand"/"hamakerpvogh"/"anvoghnashar"/etc people who, no matter how bad their situation is, are afraid to do anything about it... there is no way back or out of it... so they stick to the marriage their parents chose for them and that's the end of story... because for them, the other option is jumping from the clip, just like Maro did...

In other words they're very unhappy, but they have to be "hnazand"/"hamakerpvogh"/"anvoghnashar"/etc and live with it, right?

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Yes!Yes!Yes! By "arranged" I don't mean only parents or someone from your family circle to "arrange" somebody for you. A friend in need is a frend indeed! Friends, esp. after certain age know you better than anybody else. Plus, a friend will never blame you for "dumping" her/him if something goes wrong. :)

This isn't what I would call arranged marriage. This is a friend or a family member introducing you to someone they think you might like. At the end you will make the last chose. I'm talking about when the guy or the girl have no say in who they will spend the rest of their life with.

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Extra jan, I am simply not going to answer your questions, because my opinion stays the same, and it yells out im my post... So think whatever you want to think!!! Devorce rate with aranged marriages is way lower then the so called "love of your life" I also explained that love is blind... I have seen it, know it, and there is just too many people, especially girls suffering from "LOVE OF THE LIFE" spamm...

 

Extra - there is nothing in this world that will be said to convince you what I beleive and nothing will change my opinion eigther, so there is no point of criticising everything around us... Yes I would love to see my parents find that girl and place her infront of me and say here is the one for you, unfortunately they haven't found anyone as I haven't eigther!!!

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Extra jan, I am simply not going to answer your questions, because my opinion stays the same, and it yells out im my post... So think whatever you want to think!!! Devorce rate with aranged marriages is way lower then the so called "love of your life" I also explained that love is blind... I have seen it, know it, and there is just too many people, especially girls suffering from "LOVE OF THE LIFE" spamm...

 

Extra - there is nothing in this world that will be said to convince you what I beleive and nothing will change my opinion eigther, so there is no point of criticising everything around us... Yes I would love to see my parents find that girl and place her infront of me and say here is the one for you, unfortunately they haven't found anyone as I haven't eigther!!!

You don't have to answer my questions only because I already knew you weren't.

 

As for you wanting your parents to place "that girl" in front of you. How long are you going to have your parents do things for you? Are you also going to ask them how to run your family? I for one can't imagine a relationship like that.

 

Oh you don't have to answer this question either. ;)

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It would seem to me they know me better then I know myself!!!

For the past, what, ummm, 8 years I have been involved in very many different dates, relationships, etc... and you know what, personally I am not looking for someone that I will fall in love with the first look... Do you know that most of the couple's that start dating are simply attracted to one another and that's where evrything starts from? Well I do, and I don't like it, because you never find out who they really are untill it's a bit too late... How many cases do you know? Now let's be honest with one another, how many girls do you people know that have gone out with a guy LOVED them to death and then it didn't work out... one in a thousand will work out, and that's not enough... I am looking for a girl that would be a support to me, and viceversa, that will be a friend forever, kyanqi @nger... I don't want someone to start loving her and then gradually stop the love theme... I want someone that will be a good mother to my children, a good wife, and I will be a better person for her and my children...

 

How about talking about - " It didn't click" - oh, so in order for you to get to know someone, it must click nowadays.

How about talking about - " I loved that person, but we weren't meant for one another" - that's not what you said when before.

How about talking about - " I never loved that person, I just went out with him/her because she was too darn attractive" - oh don't tell me that you don't know of this kind of people...

 

So I am for and will always be for arranged marriages!!!

It actually helps to establish yet another intelligent family, imagine, My parents are inteligent people, came from Erevan, originally from Nor Bayazet, if my family finds a girl that is from an intelligent family, that is from Erevan, I will never say no... therefore with the help of my parents I get a decent family... So that is what I think and believe!!! nothing will change my mind!!!

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I won't Extra jan!!! Little that you know about me and my family!!!

True and from what I know you seem to be a GREAT guy, I just don't agree with this one thing that you seem to believe in. We don't have to agree about everything, right?

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