lady of grace Posted June 19, 2003 Report Share Posted June 19, 2003 A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top ofhis dad, bouncing upand down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried aboutwhat her sonhas seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy andsometimes I have toget on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time", says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets onher knees, and blowsit right back up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 20, 2003 Report Share Posted June 20, 2003 Grace, grace grace... I am blushing... heck I don't blush much anymore for anything. The last one was great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosJan Posted June 20, 2003 Report Share Posted June 20, 2003 Azat jan isk xorrovakneri yev tsementy harts@ inch yerrav ??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 23, 2003 Report Share Posted June 23, 2003 1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when astorm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As Icame into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children inbed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. Iresigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. Thenext day, I talked to the children, and explained that it wasokay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I wasexpected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. Theysaid okay. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife andthe children picked me up in the terminal at the appointedtime. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of otherfolks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As Ientered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came runningshouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back,I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept withMommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. Theairport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting arealooked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the restof the area to see if they could figure out exactly who hisMom was. 2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this storyabout her then 4 year old daughter. On the way to preschool,the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and herlittle girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still,my heart', thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow inmy footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument:"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" 3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this waswrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke toher in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown'sdaughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'mnot." 4. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and playwith the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play withthe boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about itfor a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, canI play with him?" 5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as theywere on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary tobe quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Becausepeople are sleeping." 6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came upto the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children weresitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to thegirl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-onmike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormig Posted June 23, 2003 Report Share Posted June 23, 2003 When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a boxunder our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today thetemptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 24, 2003 Report Share Posted June 24, 2003 I just got this from a friend. Very funny. May have posted it here a long time ago.-------- A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly abrand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, ayoung man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,.......... "If I tell youexactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at hispeacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected itto a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where hecalled up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and thenopened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. Hesent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received aresponse. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,......... "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into hiscar. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,will you give me back the animal?" "OK, why not" answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here althoughnobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, toa question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Nowgive me back my dog." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted June 24, 2003 Report Share Posted June 24, 2003 What's the difference between hard and light?You can go to sleep with a light on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormig Posted June 24, 2003 Report Share Posted June 24, 2003 What's the difference between hard and light?You can go to sleep with a light on. Get lost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted June 24, 2003 Report Share Posted June 24, 2003 What's the difference between hard and light?You can go to sleep with a light on.Get lost. Hehehehehehehehe ... so you liked that one, eh? By the way, Azat, that consultant one was pretty funny ... I had heard it before but it again made me chuckle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted June 24, 2003 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2003 What's the difference between hard and light?You can go to sleep with a light on. nuh-uh!!! with the hard one takes a while to "simme' down" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 27, 2003 Report Share Posted June 27, 2003 Martha Stewart's New Digs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 27, 2003 Report Share Posted June 27, 2003 pic 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 27, 2003 Report Share Posted June 27, 2003 pic 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 27, 2003 Report Share Posted June 27, 2003 Nice Tits!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 30, 2003 Report Share Posted June 30, 2003 Saddam decided to send George W. a letter to let him know he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message 370HSSV-0773H George W. couldn't figure it out so he shared it with Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the CIA. No one could decode it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT, NASA, the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted June 30, 2003 Report Share Posted June 30, 2003 Nice Tits!!!Dude, PLEASE don't joke with us like that. That is NOT funny. This was almost like that time when after about 10 minutes I figured out this philipino dude was talking about a set of "fog" lights for his truck and not what it sounded like at first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harut Posted June 30, 2003 Report Share Posted June 30, 2003 370HSSV-0773H hahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted June 30, 2003 Report Share Posted June 30, 2003 Couple of jokes a friend sent me.~~~~~~~~ Diet and Heart Disease... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Doctor Alert These figures are accurate and easily checked-vary year to year but are always close.1. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.2. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.3. Accidental deaths per physician are 0.171. (US Dept. of Health and Human Services) Then - think about this:1. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.2. The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.3. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Not Everyone Has A Gun, But Almost Everyone Has At Least One Doctor. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosJan Posted June 30, 2003 Report Share Posted June 30, 2003 Couple of jokes a friend sent me.~~~~~~~~ Diet and Heart Disease... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.. Azat jan tes vor asum em HAyeren xoseq dzer maisn em mtatsum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted July 2, 2003 Report Share Posted July 2, 2003 here is what God thinks of youhttp://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/image/030.../carina_hst.jpg(Picture from NASA) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted July 2, 2003 Report Share Posted July 2, 2003 Vision Check: http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/v...on_sabotage.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted July 2, 2003 Report Share Posted July 2, 2003 lets see who is the best. http://www.flamjam.com/spank/ 844 MPH(I have an unedited screenshot to prove it) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted July 2, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2003 Vision Check: http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/v...on_sabotage.asp azat!! you need a spankin' for that one!!! i was worried about my vision there for a second, then i got worried about my blood pressure!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted July 2, 2003 Report Share Posted July 2, 2003 ... i was worried about my vision there for a second, then i got worried about my blood pressure!! I think the same would have happened to me if he actually posted a picture of himself slapping the monkey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted July 2, 2003 Report Share Posted July 2, 2003 ... i was worried about my vision there for a second, then i got worried about my blood pressure!! I think the same would have happened to me if he actually posted a picture of himself slapping the monkey. LOL. That very good Sip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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