todie4me33 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 Dear Hyeforumers, I have seen that you all do a great job of giving young teens great advice, and I was wondering if some of you can seriously help me out. My name is Karine or Karin and I am 19. For many years now my mother and I constanly have fought and argued I mean constantly every other week. Sometimes very ridiciouls stuff, small stuff. My mother dosen't think im normal. she says she feels bad for the guy i will marry because "hye txa chi uzum hye axchik vor normal chi" that hurts when she says that, but whatever. We have fought so much now that my mother is zuzvatz from me, I also have said many words and stuff to hurt her and words that not cuss words but just stupid stuff I think can hurt her and she said she would never forgive me for. She tells me she is sick of me and she wants me out of the house. For many years she has said that, but now we are moving and she wants me to seriously look for a place to go. I dont mean everything I say and I have apologized so much that the word sorry is meaningless just like hello or goodbye like sorry is nothing. I really pray to god that things will get better that I will change and I seriously do pray and I cry and ask god for help and forgivness. But things dont get any better for me and my realtionship with my mom. For the past six years I have had a low self esteem because of this and have cried everyday, its very unhealthy i know. I ask my sisters for help they tell me dont tell me your problems etc. My eyes are red from typing because I get so emotional from explaning my problem. My mother also has caught me lying about stupid stuff and now that I tell the truth she still thinks im lying.. I have tried to fix things so they can get better, she says that I am a nothing to her and the word mom, when i say mom, shes like am i your mom? I dont know what to do anymore my eyes are out of tears and i am scared i cant live on my own, she says living on my own will teach me. I fee like i have been such a pain for her all these years and all she has done for me i have took adavnatge of. I dont think i can aaford a apt. because i am still young with a part time job. Do you guys think my mom really loves me? is she saying those things for what to scare me to move out for reals? please take the chance to read this and help me out i would appreciate it greatly thank you so much ~Karine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel4hope Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 hi karine jan- first of all it is good that you realize your problem, and another thing is that no matter what your parents love you- i know this from expereince- trust me well i have my ups and downs with my parents too, but for different issues and circumstaces- u know the usual quarrels between a teenager-almost in her twenties and her parents- you want to be trusted and be seen as a responsible adult, and they still see you as a child--- okie lets turn to your problem here- first of all you need to realize how much your parents mean to you and what a huge advantage it is that tey care for you so much and arent like most white parents who tell you to move out right when you turn 18- if you act like a white kid and show no respect towards them, they will treat you so... in my opinion what you can do or the best thing you can do right now is instead of apologizing, change your ways- realize what you are/were doing wrong and how it hurts the person in front of you... as my mom tells me- sorry doesnt say anything to my- they are empty words unless you put them to use and not repeat your mistakes--- lets face it- we are young and sometimes irrational and stupid and we say things that hurt people- parents- and we do things without thinking twice--but in this world it is harder- you have to realize all the things your parents have done for you- not just see it- but appreciate it- and try to make them proud of you- you know what helps me when im upset or in a quarrel with my parents? well first thing is to relax and try not to blow off steam and say hurtful things- next thing is to tak to someone about it- get advice- second opinion- because a friend is better at seeing what u can be doing wrong than urself or ur parents- im sure theres a deeper reason for your moms rationale- i dont know the reason to why u guys argue or fight- so i cant give any direct advice- it probabbly has built up on her and shes stressed and thats uy shes sayong that but good luck deaar thats the best i can do Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 I can say with almost 99.99% certainty your mom loves you very deeply. But sounds like you have hurt her a lot but from what I know from girls your age (well a bit younger) they tend to not get along with their moms. Things change later on though ... that initial mother-child bond never really goes away. Ok having said that and really having not much information about the details of your life ... my gut feeling is she is trying to do what's best. I think she will be there for you if you are really in need of help. But she is trying to give you a big kick in the butt to grow up and start acting responsibly. ... and yes, having to pay bills, and rent, and living on a budget, and going to work and all that stuff can have a tremendous impact on turning a "child" into a "grownup". So if you are not going to school, then start looking for a place and a job But I think she still loves you as a mom always loves her child. About lying ... that is very sad ... that lost trust is hard to get back but it's not over. You just have to work at it. Prove to her you have changed not through talk but through actions. Making promises and talking, anyone can do. Welcome to the forum by the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SALTnPEPA92 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 I can say with almost 99.99% certainty your mom loves you very deeply. But sounds like you have hurt her a lot but from what I know from girls your age (well a bit younger) they tend to not get along with their moms. Things change later on though ... that initial mother-child bond never really goes away. Ok having said that and really having not much information about the details of your life ... my gut feeling is she is trying to do what's best. I think she will be there for you if you are really in need of help. But she is trying to give you a big kick in the butt to grow up and start acting responsibly. ... and yes, having to pay bills, and rent, and living on a budget, and going to work and all that stuff can have a tremendous impact on turning a "child" into a "grownup". So if you are not going to school, then start looking for a place and a job But I think she still loves you as a mom always loves her child. About lying ... that is very sad ... that lost trust is hard to get back but it's not over. You just have to work at it. Prove to her you have changed not through talk but through actions. Making promises and talking, anyone can do. Welcome to the forum by the way. seaph a place to stay this girls gonna live on her own?? girl let me tell you something i have been in your shoes before i think you should take a deep breath dry those tears baby girl god loves you and he will do the best for you to help you and your moms relationship work..sometime us teens we dont live in armenia and we take things for granted everythings gonna be okay okay so dont cry girl because thank god ur alive that poor 20 yr old guy died from something stupid like road rage go home and tell ur mom i love you mom and i will change luvzz tatevik if u need help pm me babez Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nairi Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 lets face it- we are young and sometimes irrational and stupid and we say things that hurt people- parents- and we do things without thinking twice--but in this world it is harder- you have to realize all the things your parents have done for you- not just see it- but appreciate it- and try to make them proud of you- If all the things that my parents have done for me was feed me, yell at me and criticize me, what reason do I have to believe that they love me, care for me and respect me? And what reason do I have to love them, respect them or try to be like them? They drove me crazy and now they're expecting me to be normal! What kind of normal, rational, loving parent would blame EVERYTHING on their child, especially when it was their fault to begin with? Karine jan, welcome to Hyeforum. I have no advice to give to be honest, but I know exactly what you are talking about. I think most Armenian kids (esp. girls I think) are going through this. I see this around me all the time, even in my own family. I've almost come to the conclusion that Armenian parents are sadistic, beginning with the fact that they like seeing their babies cry up to and including criticizing or humiliating them in public or in front of their family and friends. Discipline is a key word that has taken a very negative connotation in Armenian and is one of the first things that needs to be wiped out of our culture. All I can say is, try to be as self-reflective as possible and never let her get to you. Move out of the house because YOU don't want to be around her anymore and not because SHE doesn't want you around. Turn the roles around for once and make her taste her own medicine, if talking to her about your problem is impossible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 seaph a place to stay this girls gonna live on her own?? Well, assuming she is not going to school, then I don't see why not? If it were me, I would definitely think about something after highschool to get a decent job. If not college then some type of specialized vocational training ... something like medical billing, optician assistant, dental assitant, some computer training ... etc etc I have a feeling even with the most angry mom some sort of agreement can be worked out about some time frame to go to school or finish some program and then move out. But there has to be some long term plan ... otherwise, just sitting at home and wasting time doesn't do anyone any good. Note this post is not about Karine ... just in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
todie4me33 Posted March 10, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 ya i do work but like i said i cant live by myself. i think i would be very poor whatever it dosen't matter anyways ill find two jobs or something but im more concerned that how i would drive and get a car if i move away from them, well whatever i hope mernem or something Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SALTnPEPA92 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 ya i do work but like i said i cant live by myself. i think i would be very poor whatever it dosen't matter anyways ill find two jobs or something but im more concerned that how i would drive and get a car if i move away from them, well whatever i hope mernem or something babe dont say that...aww....jan everythings gonna be okay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gevo27 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 ya i do work but like i said i cant live by myself. i think i would be very poor whatever it dosen't matter anyways ill find two jobs or something but im more concerned that how i would drive and get a car if i move away from them, well whatever i hope mernem or something well, whjat your saying here suggests that you allready think ur getting out.... so i dont think you should be trying to find a new job or 2, but you should be trying to work out your difference with ur mom.. dont let your ego get in the way.. but have in mind your mom will let hers get in her way.. she loves you.. but seems you have given her enough.. and she doesnt feel appreciated.. and yeah.. sorry arent much in this case... you gotta have a heart to heart... and tell her you will change.. etc... its the only way. or else youll live the rest of your life hoping you would die or something as you suggest.. be real.. think straight and try not to let your emotional behavior get in the way im sure things will work out if you just talk.... communication is key Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 ... i hope mernem or something You don't have to hope ... that is an inevitability. For now, you have plenty of time so just take a deep breath, start planning a bit, and get to it! At first it all sounds quite complicated ... but when you start getting into the details, you'll see it's not that bad. Yah you may not be able to hang out with friends and eat out every night or every weekend, but when you do get to do it, you'll enjoy it a lot more (appreciate it a lot more). I still highly encourage you to think about some sort of training or vocational school if you are not going to go to college ... otherwise, yes it will be tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CheekY Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 ahh when will the day come when my mom kicks me out of the house... typical mother-daughter "relationship"... we're never good enough for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SALTnPEPA92 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 You don't have to hope ... that is an inevitability. For now, you have plenty of time so just take a deep breath, start planning a bit, and get to it! At first it all sounds quite complicated ... but when you start getting into the details, you'll see it's not that bad. Yah you may not be able to hang out with friends and eat out every night or every weekend, but when you do get to do it, you'll enjoy it a lot more (appreciate it a lot more). I still highly encourage you to think about some sort of training or vocational school if you are not going to go to college ... otherwise, yes it will be tough. sepah inch vocational school lol she says she works u still think her moms gonna kick her out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gevo27 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 You don't have to hope ... that is an inevitability. For now, you have plenty of time so just take a deep breath, start planning a bit, and get to it! At first it all sounds quite complicated ... but when you start getting into the details, you'll see it's not that bad. Yah you may not be able to hang out with friends and eat out every night or every weekend, but when you do get to do it, you'll enjoy it a lot more (appreciate it a lot more). I still highly encourage you to think about some sort of training or vocational school if you are not going to go to college ... otherwise, yes it will be tough. Sip jan, you want her to move out?????? lol... lets try to help her stay in.. i would think its better.. it sure is for me and im about same age.. lol... moving out will bring a tremendouse amount of responsibility that you will be overwhelmed with and the thaught of suicide would be more often ... please... lets help her stay in first!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SALTnPEPA92 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 Sip jan, you want her to move out?????? lol... lets try to help her stay in.. i would think its better.. it sure is for me and im about same age.. lol... moving out will bring a tremendouse amount of responsibility that you will be overwhelmed with and the thaught of suicide would be more often ... please... lets help her stay in first!!!!!!!! omg yesssss <_< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gevo27 Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 ahh when will the day come when my mom kicks me out of the house... typical mother-daughter "relationship"... we're never good enough for them. well, skittles jan, i understand in Armenia its different lol.. your parents get pride in you when other people say good things about you.. and if they kicked you out.. well as much as you might like that.. i dont think they would.. LOL.. well ofcourse i dont know your situation.. but as fellow armenian.. just how i feel.. lol... and trust me, when the time comes if you were to be kicked out.. youll think twice before saying what you said.. lol.. yeah yeah.. its a joke. sure... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 sepah inch vocational school ... Example: Highschool diploma ---> probably close to minimum wage Optical Technician ---> at least $11 to $12 per hour to start!!!! (then probably gets much higher pretty quickly) For example, check out American Career College. I know someone very close to me that has been teaching there for YEARS. They basically do miracles with these kids that show up and even find them jobs after graduation (assuming they pass the certification tests). There are ways to go to school for very low income people ... student loans, financial aid, grants, scholarships ... there is usually a way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CheekY Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 My mother dosen't think im normal. she says she feels bad for the guy i will marry because "hye txa chi uzum hye axchik vor normal chi" that hurts when she says that, but whatever. We have fought so much now that my mother is zuzvatz from me, my mom feels bad for me because she thinks my answering back and stubbornness will only get me beaten up by my husband haha and by the way...do you know any girl whose mom thinks she's normal? i don't really know any girls like that lol apparently we're all abnormal...maybe they're the ones with a problem...can't accept us the way we are and ALWAYS want what's best for us? will they still be nagging us when we're 30? sorry you're asking for advice but i suck at giving advice... and gevo i was joking...kind of...i don't wanna be kicked out...at least not yet lol but i'd love to move out because i need some AIR! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sev-mard Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 at least not yet lol but i'd love to move out because i need some AIR! I know a lot of armo girls who say the same thing. It's tough, I think especially here in America. Mothers are bound to the historical nature of upbringing and many don't know how to, or are not even trying to update that nature. Being so hardcore doesn't allow for much growth and closeness with daughters of this time period. It's hard.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
koko Posted March 10, 2004 Report Share Posted March 10, 2004 (edited) I think that your mom really loves you or else she wouldnt show these feelings and say the stuff that she does. If she didint care she would just mind her own buissness and be quite. Karine! I know exacly how you feel, because I am in the exact same situation as you have described.The only differents is that I'm two years older than you. This is a tuff one. The best thing to do is start working to earn some money and to eventually be able to move out, if thats what you want that is! I don't know why our mothers like to pick fights with us.I think that it starts with their own problems or I KNOW its that way in my case and in many other cases, and its easy for them to let it out on their own children. And beeing a girl doesn't make it easier either. Why? Should we let it be like this? Yes, many moms pick on there daughters, but everything has it's limits. When the mother threatens you and swears and yells all the time, its quite hard getting on with your life as a normal person isn't it? I think mothers are afraid for their daugthers to grow up, they are afraid to let go, specially armenian mothers. Edited March 10, 2004 by koko Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiner Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 In the US you can join the military if you are already 18, a citizen, and have a high school diploma. I recommend the Navy cause it's more adventuresome and you are much less likely to die in combat. You even have time to become an officer if you get your degree while in there. I was even thinking about doing this myself for a while. Plus some time apart might be healthy for both parties. Also being exposed to a different world can't hurt you if you've been brought up in a very closed minded environment. Minimum enlistment is four years. Yeah there are disadvantages, but there are also advantages just like any situation. Just a suggestion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiner Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 We've talked about this before on this forum, "normal" is an overused word that hard core closed minded parents use to describe their extremely narrow minded views. Another phenomenon is that some parents shelter you from the real world well into adulthood, and then when the reality of life hits you in the face you are unprepared. This in turn leaves you more dependant on them than you should be. And then the "dependancy" is used as a means of them further taking away your adulthood and controlling your life. Get on your feet as fast as possible, meanwhile handle them with tact. And on the flipside there are a lot of "liberated" young Armos as well who do all kinds of crazy, untraditional stuff. Hang out with them (to a certain extent) and learn how to get by. Don't be afraid to be sly while taking care of your business that will eventually give you independence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 Dear Karine, I am the last one to give you advice on any of this... Sorry... I would say living alone is not a bad thing. If you are in school, you can get loans and such and a part time job and manage your life. Believe me your mom will miss you more and will treat you better., but this not an easy decision and you should think about it very hard as your responsibilities will grow 10 fold. Also look in to sharing an apartment with a roommate. As for your mom. I am sorry but I think she is very immature and the words that she has been saying to you should never be said to a child and I do not care how bad the child it. Best wishes to you. God luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allarmeniangirl Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 I can't believe that some of you are actually suggesting for her to move out. Don't you see that she has issues with her mother that need to be resolved? It is so difficult when a mother and a daughter don't have a bond and both of them always want it. Karine jan, I definitely can't relate to you but I see your problem clearly. As silly and predictable as this may sound, you have to talk to her. I know I know, you'll probably say, "She doesn't listen" or whatever, but you cannot move out because you will be taking the easy way out and you will later regret it. Don't you want her to love you like a mother should? Don't worry about the idea that your mother does not love you because she DOES love you. Even though she doesn't really show it by trying to kick you out of the house, but perhaps she wants you to become more independent since you have mentioned that you feel as though you've been taking advantage of her. From what you told us, seems as though you have really hurt your mom in the past, so you MUST make it up to her by being the daughter she wants you to be. Not knowing the details or the specifics of which you speak of when you took/take dvantage of her, I have to tell you to stop being a dissapointment to her. I'm really not trying to be rude, but if you are dissapointing her and you know it, why do you continue to do so? Sacrifice the pleasure of what you are taking advantage of her and make her see the new you. Make a change in your life, she is your mother and you are the way she feels that she raised you. Both of you need to make compromises and stop doing what your mother doesn't want you to do or be. Again, I can't give you precise advice since you didn't tell us precise things you've taken advantage of. I hope I am not being rude, but I am just being straightforward. I hope you do resolve the issue with your mom because a bond between a daughter and a mother should be like friendship. Wish you all the best of luck hun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 moving out is not such a horrible thing! granted she can afford a place and has a plan! but yeah girl you DO need to work it out with your mom....just don't talk to her at the WRONG TIME!!! u know what i mean? and show initiative..tell her you've been lookin in the paper or the internet...etc. and ask her serious questions like is she willing to cosign the lease for it and that you'll need some time to save up a lil $$ to make the deposit and the 1st and the last month's payments....why not try a roommate though to avoid some of those moving costs (or at least to reduce them)?? it's a tricky thing finding a roommate but make sure you take someone with you and check the place out...see if the person is "normal" and allright...rooming with a student or someone who works full time is your best bet good luck! and you never know! this might turn out to be a good thing...i mean don't you kind of want to move and get away from it all??...just bring up the conversation and see how she responds, maybe your initiative will make her want to work things out and have you stay either way, you'll be ok i think! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gevo27 Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 moving out is not such a horrible thing! granted she can afford a place and has a plan! but yeah girl you DO need to work it out with your mom....just don't talk to her at the WRONG TIME!!! u know what i mean? and show initiative..tell her you've been lookin in the paper or the internet...etc. and ask her serious questions like is she willing to cosign the lease for it and that you'll need some time to save up a lil $$ to make the deposit and the 1st and the last month's payments....why not try a roommate though to avoid some of those moving costs (or at least to reduce them)?? it's a tricky thing finding a roommate but make sure you take someone with you and check the place out...see if the person is "normal" and allright...rooming with a student or someone who works full time is your best bet good luck! and you never know! this might turn out to be a good thing...i mean don't you kind of want to move and get away from it all??...just bring up the conversation and see how she responds, maybe your initiative will make her want to work things out and have you stay either way, you'll be ok i think! BRUIN JAN>> i dont agree with her moving out.. as bad as her situation with her mom is, if she moves out, then she will avoid the original problem and in her life it will make her misserable!!!!! its not good... she has to settle the problem.. and then if she wants to move out.. or they talk and agree that moving out is better.. then ok.. as long as they dont loos contact and leave the problme heated!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.