Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day

[Maral]

Visit Future Ad

[Sip]

Love the rejection letter

[Maral]

how to be annoying online

 

1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the blanking manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know that? RTFM").

 

2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!

 

3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your "creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

 

4. Software and files offered online are often "compressed" so that they won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like "Thanks."

 

5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHousewivesI," then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.

 

6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the Internet.

 

7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.

Edited June 7, 2007 by Maral

[Maral]

 

Computer Dependency

 

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our

computers.

 

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

 

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Look down, not scroll down, dummy!!

[Maral]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

 

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

 

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[Maral]

[Maral]

Where's Waldo? Edited June 29, 2007 by Maral

[Maral]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot

when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm

looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was

going."

 

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.. I'm looking for my wife,

too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife

look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde

hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a

halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

 

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Yervant1]

Hey guys I found them both!!!!!!!! Should I let the husbands know?

[Maral]

Hey guys I found them both!!!!!!!! Should I let the husbands know?

Yervant the next joke is for you

[Maral]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor

asks him how he's

feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an

18-year-old bride who is pregnant with

my child. What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considers his question for a minute ... and says, "I have

a friend who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of

a hurry, he accidentally

picked up his umbrella rather than his rifle. When he got to the

creek, he saw a deer

standing beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went;

"Bang, bang," and the

deer fell over dead. What do you think about that?

 

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Yervant1]

Yervant the next joke is for you

Don't mind at all when I'm 80 with a 18 year old bride. I'll just hide all the umbrellas.

[ALMA]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

 

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

 

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside

and rub them in the grass and dirt.

 

He put on his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

 

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my

secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

 

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

 

 

[ALMA]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked

about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they

always wanted.

 

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified what he thought was the ugliest child he had ever

seen.

 

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

 

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

 

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

 

[ALMA]

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.

Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz was endowed the likes of which he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you

to be cremated with such an impressive endowment.

 

It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his

briefcase, and took it home.

 

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,

pening his briefcase.

 

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

[ALMA]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the front door.

 

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over

him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

 

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too."

 

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a

sandwich and a beer.

 

"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two

days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

 

[Maral]

I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, when we got married 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

 

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

Aren't women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis .....

[Maral]

A boy goes into the confessional...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may

as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny

Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. you cannot be an altar boy now for

4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

 

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and

whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

Edited August 6, 2007 by Maral

[Maral]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have

you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call? Can you not understand what you put your old mum through?

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

 

"You what!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!

You're a disgrace to this family."

 

"OK, Dad -- as you wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for

you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

 

"Now what was it you said you had become?"says dad.

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

 

"Oh! Darling! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug."

[Takoush]

Hehe The joke about 4 months vacation and 5 leads was cute Maral.

[hosank]

that's us irish

[Maral]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one

day discussing who had the superior culture.

 

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we

have the Parthenon."

 

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have

the Coliseum."

 

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced

mathematics"

 

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built

the Roman Empire."

 

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with

what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented

sex!"

 

The Italian replies, "Ah ,that is true, but it was

the Italians who introduced it to women."

[AVO]

Greeks have always been gay.

 

 

Even our governator agrees

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZpCZ27LAR3k

[ExtraHye]

I read this on another forum and think it's one of the funniest things I've ever read

 

Having Fun With Telemarketers

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T and it went something like this:

 

Me: Hello

 

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

 

Me: Is this AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

 

Me: This is AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

 

Me: Is this AT&T?

 

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

 

Me: May I ask who is calling?

 

AT&T: This is AT&T.

 

Me: OK, hold on.

 

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my

surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

 

Me: Hello?

 

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

 

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

 

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

 

Me: Is this AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

 

Me: The phone company?

 

AT&T: Yes sir.

 

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

 

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

 

Me: I already have a phone.

 

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

 

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

 

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

 

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

 

AT&T: That's right.

 

Me: 365 days a year?

 

AT&T: Yes sir.

 

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

 

AT&T: We think so!

 

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

 

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

 

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

 

AT&T: Excuse me?

 

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

 

AT&T: What are you talking about?

 

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

 

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.

 

Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of

subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

 

AT&T: No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

 

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

 

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

 

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

 

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

 

At this point I begin trying to finish my dinner.

 

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

 

Me: Yeth?

 

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

 

Me: Is thist a Teeth & Teeth?

 

Supervisor: Yes, Sir, it sure is.

 

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

 

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

 

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

 

Me: Thank you.

 

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

 

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

 

Me: No, but I was wondering -- do you have that "friends and family" thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

 

AT & T: Click

[Maral]

 

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you

something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was

Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I

was German? Or I f I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I

was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was

Mexican? Would you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did

you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."