Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day

[Maral]

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in

their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She

finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front ofhim.

 

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches

as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of

coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into

the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

 

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were

dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to

tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do"

she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you

remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved ashotgun

in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to

jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too." she replies softly. He wipes

another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out

today."

[Maral]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on

shutting off the light.

 

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

 

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

 

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,

screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

 

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a

battery-operated pleasure device ! Soft, wonderful and

larger than a real one.

 

She went completely ballistic.

 

"You impotent b#%@##d," She screamed at him, "how could you be

lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

 

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Maral]

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits

down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00

news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a

large building preparing to jump.

 

The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will jump?"

 

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

 

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

 

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive

off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and

handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

 

Homer replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5

o'clock news and knew he would jump. "

 

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Anileve]

http://www.azat.net/temp/newsreportfromIraq.wmv

 

 

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Brilliant! One of those slap stick funnies.

[Anileve]

Radio practical joke

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That's insane!!! For some reason I believe that it was arranged. But if it wasn't she is a sad sad sad woman, wow, to step down to that degree to get some ridiculous job? I'd rather serve KFC chicken wings.

[MosJan]

"How to Keep a Woman Happy"

 

… It's not difficult

 

  All you have to do is to be:

1.    A friend

2.    A companion

3.    A lover

4.    A brother

5.    A father

6.    A master

7.    A chef

8.    An electrician

9.    A carpenter

10.  A plumber

11.  A mechanic

12.  A decorator

13.  A stylist

14.  A sexologist

15.  A gynecologist

16.  A psychologist

17.  A pest exterminator

18.  A psychiatrist

19.  A healer

20.  A good listener

21.  An organizer

22.  A good father

23.  Very clean

24.  Sympathetic

25.  Athletic

26.  Warm

27.  Attentive

28.  Gallant

29.  Intelligent

30.  Funny

31.  Creative

32.  Tender

33.  Strong

34.  Understanding

35.  Tolerant

36.  Prudent

37.  Ambitious

38.  Capable

39.  Courageous

40.  Determined

41.  True

42.  Dependable

43.  Passionate

 

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

 

44.  Give her compliments regularly

45.  Love shopping

46.  Be honest

47.  Be very rich

48.  Not stress her out

49.  Not look at other girls

 

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

 

50.  Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51.  Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52.  Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

 

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

 

53.  Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!! :

 

1.    Leave him in peace, NO Nagging (very, very, very important).

2.    Feed him well.

3.    Let him have the remote control.

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we need to hide this soon / fas ASAp / Now

[Maral]

OVER MY DEAD BODY!

 

 

the truth can never be hidden,well for long anyways!

[MosJan]

OVER MY DEAD BODY! 

the truth can never be hidden,well for long anyways! 

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this is not acceptable !!!

I protesssttttt !!!

 

 

Edward - Sasun AzzzzzzzATTTTTTTTTT

[Maral]

Now - i know that none of this refers to ANY of us!

Just thought it was cute and so true of some of the other boards I have visited.

 

How many subscribers to an online message board does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Answers:

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

 

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

 

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

 

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

 

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

 

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

 

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

 

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

 

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

 

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

 

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

 

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

 

2 to post reasons why the light bulb burning out is the result of a government conspiracy.

 

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

 

43 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs"

 

1 lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

5 to say "thank you"

[MosJan]

Forum update

 

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[Maral]

Subject : How to stop hijackings

 

Federal Aviation Agency

800 Independence Avenue S.W.

Washington DC. 20591

 

 

 

Dear Sirs,

 

 

 

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time

getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim

religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our

female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on

the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every

businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a

naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have

record sales.

 

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

 

 

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

[Maral]

Man of the Home

 

The husband had finished his book, "Man of the House" by the time he reached

home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing

a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am

the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a

gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a

sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, you're going to draw me a

bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going

to dress me and comb my hair?"

 

"The f*@#ing funeral director," said his wife.

[Maral]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it

out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on

someone you don't know.

 

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a

phonecall I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

 

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

 

I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

 

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone

could be so rude.

 

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the

last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided

to call the 'wrong' number again.

 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a@@hole!"

and hung up.

 

I wrote his number down with the word 'a@@hole' next to it, and put it in

my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a@@hole!" It always

cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a@@hole'

callingwould have to stop.

 

So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the

Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the

Caller ID program?"

 

! He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

 

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a@@hole!"

 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the

spot.

 

 

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I

wrote down his number.

 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a@@hole (I had his

number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a@@hole, too.

 

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

 

"Yes! , it is."

 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's

parked right out in front."

 

"What's your name?"

 

"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.

 

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

"I'm home every evening after five."

 

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Don, you're an a@@hole."

 

Then I hung up, and added his number to my spee d dial, too.

 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a@@holes to call. But after several

months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I

came up with an idea.

 

I called a@@hole #1.

 

"Hello."

 

"You're an a@@hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

 

"Are you still there?" he asked.

 

Yeah," I said.

 

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

 

"Make me," I screamed back.

 

"Who are you?" he demanded

 

"My name is Don Burgemeyer."

 

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

 

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a@@hole! It's a yellow house, with my

black beemer parked in front."

 

He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."

 

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a@@hole."

 

Then I called a@@hole #2.

 

"Hello?" he said.

 

"Hello, a@@hole," I said...again, without hanging up.

 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

 

"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.

 

"I'll kick your a@@," he exclaimed.

 

I answered, "Well, a@@hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at

1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.

 

Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on

West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th

street.

 

There I saw two a@@holes beating the crap out of each other in front of

six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

 

NOW, I feel better.

 

Anger management really works!!!

[Maral]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I

have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my

boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a

week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that

promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack

enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and

fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will

swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh!

Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

 

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being

the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband

asked. The following weekend he came home a little

tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed

"Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few

Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk

pajamas like I asked you to do?"

 

You'll love the answer...

.......

........

.........

........

.........

.........

.........

.........

.........

.........

........

.........

..........

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing

box..........................

[Maral]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY

BOTH PARTIES!

 

While walking down the street one day a US senator

is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter

at the entrance.

 

“Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it

seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these

parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll

do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you

can choose where to spend eternity."

 

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the

senator.

 

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes

down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself

in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a

clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other

politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet

him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while

getting rich at expense of the people.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster,

Caviar and champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, which really is a very friendly guy

Who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a

good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator

rises...

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on

heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

 

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of

contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp

and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it,

the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.

Now choose your eternity."

 

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers:

"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has

been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,

down to hell.

 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a

barren land covered with waste and garbage.

 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash

And putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here

and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and

caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now

all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look

miserable. What happened?"

 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted

[Maral]

Official Announcement:

 

 

The american government yesterday announced that it is changing its emblem from an

Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's

political stance.

 

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next

generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of

security while you're actually being screwed.

 

It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

[CheekY]

hahaha funny

[Maral]

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

 

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

 

Question: How come?

 

Answer: An English princess

 

with an Egyptian boyfriend

 

crashes in a French tunnel,

 

driving a German car

 

with a Dutch engine,

 

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

 

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

 

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

 

on Japanese motorcycles;

 

treated by an American doctor,

 

using Brazilian medicines.

 

This is sent to you by an American,

 

using Bill Gates's technology,

 

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

 

that use Taiwanese chips,

 

and a Korean monitor,

 

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

 

in a Singapore plant,

 

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

 

hijacked by Indonesians,

 

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

 

 

and trucked to you by Mexicans.

 

 

 

That, my friends, is Globalization

[Maral]

Curious as to when Armenian men lie? And for

what reason? Well you are about to find out!

 

 

One day, while Vartan Hazarabagasian, a

simple ARMENIAN woodcutter,was cutting a branch off a tree above the Arax River, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Vartan replied that his ax had fallen into

the water, and he needed the ax to make his living. The Lord went

down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.

Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

 

Vartan replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with

a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. Again, Vartan

replied, "No.

 

The Lord went down again and came up with

an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. Vartan replied,

"Yes."The Lord was pleased with Vartan's honesty and gave him all

three axes.

to keep, and Vartan went home to his wife,

Sarsapeli, very happy. Some time later Vartan and Sarsapeli were

walking along the riverbank, and Sarsapeli fell into the river.

 

When Vartan cried out, the Lord again

appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying Now?"

"Oh Lord, my wife, Sarsapeli, has fallen

into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came

up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried Vartan

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is

an untruth!"

Vartan replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer

Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I

also said 'no' to her, you would

have come up with my wife, Sarsapeli, and

had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three Lord, I am

a poor man, and am not able to properly take care of all three

wives and their needs, so that's why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

"I did not want to cause them any discomfort.

 

"The moral of this story is: Whenever an

Armenian man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others...

<_<

Edited November 10, 2004 by Maral

[MosJan]

ohhh this was good Thank you JAnik

youv made my day

[Maral]

Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A: It's called, Sosumi.

[Maral]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 40 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

 

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

 

The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.

[Maral]

http://buckaroos.homestead.com/pushme.html

[Maral]

This is the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree:

 

One Christmas things weren't going too well for Santa up there at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus was sick, the elves were on strike and the reindeer all had diarrhea. Santa was totally frazzled. In the midst of all this an angel came in with the tree and asked Santa,

"Where would you like me to put the Christmas Tree?"

[MosJan]

ahha

 

antsadz dari Angel@ verev@ cher mnum / misht enknum er

hima imatsa te inch anem /

Shnorhakal em MaralTantig jan