Owing Parents

[shiner]

Many immigrants use their children to justify their migration. They use their children's success to measure their own success in their new countries. To what extent do these children owe their parents? In the sense that, how much significance should this carry in the decisions the children make concerning their own lives?

[Sasun]

We always owe our parents. Not all parents are the same but still. The extent to which we owe them depends on the individual and culture. For example, if the parents charge their son/daughter rent for staying in their house (to my great amazement this happens in America) then the children will not see that they owe much to their parents. If on the other hand parents treat the children with utmost love and self-sacrifice then the children will feel that they will forever owe their parents and will never be able to pay back if they wished so. Edited September 29, 2003 by Sasun

[Alexx]

I love my parents and am forever grateful for everything they have done for me. I would do anything for my parents, ANYTHING but live my life according to their rules anymore. I have lived with my parents almost all of my life. I was the "perfect" daughter. I did everything they wanted--my career, my life was all planned and I carried out that plan without objections. EXCEPT, when I married a non-Armenian white man against my parents' wishes. My husband is a wonderful person but he's not good enough for them because he is not Armenian and they're very hateful towards him. They claim that i ruined their lives by marrying him which I think is preposterous. My mom never misses an opportunity to remind me that she will never forgive me for it. Both my husband's and my careers led us to live in a state other than my parents and my parents I am ungrateful and selfish for doing so. In their opinion, I was no longer their sweet girl. Meanwhile, I am still the same person with the same values and morals. All that has changed is that I went astray from the life they had planned for me.

 

To get to the point, IMO some Armenian parents, like mine, cling to their kids too much. I find it stifling. I feel like my parents' love for me comes with a price--to live life their way. We owe our parents, I understand. It's impossible to repay them for the sacrifices they made for us. We should treat them with the outmost respect. Be there for them always. Love them, cherish them, care for them. BUT when it comes to our OWN lives, I wish they would respect our decisions, treat us like adults and trust us enough to let us live life our own way.

[Azat]

Agree 100% with you Alexx.

 

I am too forever grateful for all they have done for me. They basically have given up all they had in their life and came to this country and started over to make sure that I am my sister have a better life, a better future.

 

I also have to say that because of certain circumstances bot my sister and I have sacrificed ALOT in the past few years for our parents as well.

 

With all that said I would have to say that Armenian parents as great as they are have LOTS and LOTS of issues. One being the thing that Alexx just mentioned and what is sad is that they would not mind if I get married with a foreigner as much as they would if GOD FORBID my sister did.

 

Sorry to hear about your issue Alexx. Hope with time they will realize their mistake and come to the conclusion that what makes you happy should be their number one goal.

[Sip]

The reason I haven't responded to this question (very interesting one by the way) is that I wanted to think about it for a while. I think this is my only main driving force in life. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be where I am today (sounds trivially stupid but read on).

 

Don't misunderstand ... I am not saying they put me where I am today. No. I am saying if it weren't for my huge sense of "debt" to my parents, I wouldn't have done jack crap in the last decade or so and I don't think I would have accomplished anthing. It's a paralyzing feeling ... knowing I can never "repay" them for what they lost (their own comfort, security, youth, etc). Doesn't matter what I do ... it's just humanly impossible to repay something like that.

 

... and now I am left to bear this huge sense of "burden" for the rest of my life. Doesn't matter if they will be alive to see it or not. In my heart, everything I do will always be based on choices to make small repayment to what they gave me. Unfortunately, this goes against their wishes! They wish to see me happy. They wish to see me doing what I want to do and live how I really want to live. But ironically, this sense of "debt" will prevent me from trully doing that till I die.

[Accelerated]

Sip, havnt they asked you for grandkids yet?

[Sip]

Sip, havnt they asked you for grandkids yet? 

Interestingly enough, no! It's funny now that you mention it ... I can't remember the last time they wanted something from me. I have almost always been on the receiving end of stuff so far (or giving completely voluntarily).

[Azat]

Sip, I am older, not necessarily wiser.

 

I use to have very similar feelings and to a certain extent still feel like a bit like you, but at some point you have to come to the conclusion that living your life the way you should would be the best thing that you can do for them. And you know what. It SHOULD be like that. One should live and do what they what to do. We all are going to live only once.

[Sip]

Azat jan ... I can't wait for the day I grow up and everything just falls into place I'm sure a lot of things will change in me when I get older ... hopefully for the "better".

[Accelerated]

I've been pestered about marriage/kids as long as I can remmember . I guess thats what happens when your a single child.

[shiner]

The problem is that most "old world" parents live THROUGH their children. And this is bad whichever way you look at it. Living THROUGH your children, should not be confused with extreme love, or care, or wanting your children to do well, etc. Living THROUGH your children, or anyone else for that matter, is a very messed up phenomenon. It's basically not allowing your child to develop into a full fledged adult, become his/her own person, because you want to "customize" him/her to fit your own wishes, so that you can feel good yourself. It's almost "selfish" (for lack of a better term, since I realize that the selfishness is involuntary, as most of these parents would die for their children).

 

You know how immigrants look down on "these Americans who kick their children out of the house at age 18". Most of them are on the opposite polar extreme. One extreme releases their children before becoming adults, and the other extreme does not allow their children to become adults at all. And I can't say the second extreme is better than the first. As a matter of fact, if I really had to choose, I'd probably choose the first.

 

And, lastly, I also think this mentality of "we ONLY immigrated for the children" is wrong also. There is nothing wrong with picking up some advantages for themselves as well (the opportunities are all around and obvious).

 

But of course we owe our parents. I would never turn my back on them no matter what, and neither would I put on this "leave me alone, I'm independent" act. But also my parents don't really fit the extreme I described above, so I'm thankful.

Edited October 2, 2003 by shiner

[TimeForChange]

My parents have always told me "Do whatever you want to do, and don't worry about what others might say about you, because whatever you do, they will always find domething to say about you!".

Work? Do what you want! You'll be the one living with your job.

Marriage? Do what you want, have any girlfriend you want, you'll be the one living with her if you marry her.

Speak Armenian? Again, do what you want, we won't force you to speak if you don't want to, but we will continue to speak to you in Armenian about 80% of the time, just so you at least know the basics.

 

Ironically, all this reverse psychology has worked pretty well! By not imposing anything on me, they have managed to make me want to do the things that they would have forced me to do, had they been old fashioned. So, now, I actually WANT to improve my Armenian, I actually recognize that I should marry an Armenian, etc...Some way or another, the pressure has never been there, but the results are!

 

 

And, if they ask me to kill someone tomorrow morning, I would do it! That's how much I owe them.

[-=VAHE=-]

For some reason My parents never forced anything on me and at one point in my life even though I still had a strong passion for Armenia I was already forgeting my Armenian but when I became older I became more interested in making my Armenian better and from my friends in matter of months people cant tell I had came to America when I was one year old. So that is why Personally think it also has a lot to do with the persons interests rather than the parents method of teaching.

[Ludwig9]

I know this is a bit off subject.

As a child of a non-Armenian parent, there becomes a time in life where an identity issue is created. I was constantly called non-white at school because I spoke another language. Hey, last time I looked in the mirror I wasn't black or asian! So being white sounded like a good idea. Now I have grown up, married and have a son. And I completely assimilated to my Armenian heritage. My wife is from Armenia, I gave my son a authentic Armenian name, and I enforce that only Armenian should be spoken in our home. Why did I assimilate to my Armenian culture rather than my non-Armenian culture? For religious aspects, I love my Armenian Church not to mention the language. When I had a child I would not want to create a “am I a Armenian or not” issue if I married someone who is not Armenian. Why put the child through more difficulties than he is going to have growing up. And especially the culture, so tight knit, and a strong cultural pride and well as a deep rooted moral structure. I would like to say that these are generalizations that I am pointing out. I have met Armenians on the other hand that don’t care if they marry someone outside of their culture. And that’s their decision. I also understand to be an Armenian there comes a lot of responsibilities, some Armenians don’t want that responsibility, and like I said before that’s is their decision.

[Armat]

Ludwig

Kudos to you! I enjoyed reading your post. To have that much dedication to your Armenian heritage is exemplary. I have kids as well and practice the same methods as you exercise in your home. It is in the soul.

[-=VAHE=-]

I always love hearing stories like I too enjoyed your post. It s really nice to hear stories like this because 95 % of the time its the other way around. I too agree with you about the responsibility.

[Ludwig9]

Thanks guys for your comments I appreciate it.