as i see it - Pt. III

[ara baliozian]

ON NATIONALISM

************************

We use nationalist arguments

to reject that which is odar (foreign or non-Armenian)

without realizing that nationalism is itself

a foreign concept and more particularly

a 19th-century Western aberration

that has been at the root of many wars,

massacres and genocides, including our own.

*

Imagine if you can a 4th-century AD Armenian saying

we should reject Christianity because it is

a non-Armenian or odar belief system.

*

Progressive nations borrow from others

that which is useful to them

and reject that which has become useless.

We either progress or fossilize

by clinging to outmoded and obsolete ideas

and ideologies – nationalism being one of them.

*

At the source of all obsolete systems of thought

you will find individuals whose central concern

is maintaining and protecting their powers

and privileges – as opposed to serving

the interests of the community.

*

I was taught by a well-meaning provincial

schoolteacher from Van who thought the English language

was not a legitimate medium but

a bastardized fusion of French, German and Greek.

*

The future is on the side of

those willing to adapt to the world at large

by fearlessly borrowing from alien cultures

that which may be beneficial to them.

*

“You are not an Armenian writer

because you write in English,”

I have been told on more than one occasion

by Armenian writers who write in Armenian.

But if I write about Armenian issues

or expose Armenian contradictions,

perhaps I do qualify as fractionally Armenian;

and if an Armenian writer writing in Armenian

endorses traditionalism, chauvinism,

intolerance, narcissism, isolationism,

fascism and a narrow-minded approach to life,

perhaps he should qualify as fractionally Ottoman?

*

And speaking of fascists:

here is an easy way to identify one:

Consider the following scenario.

You and I live in the same state

and you happen to be its supreme leader

and I only a lowly subject.

Suppose too that I am a persistent critic of all your policies.

I am a thorn at your side.

A source of endless nuisance.

I agree with nothing you say.

I question even your commas and semicolons.

Now then, if you decide to have me silenced,

you may consider yourself a certified,

dyed-in-the-wool, genuine fascist s.o.b.

However, if you think life would be more agreeable

if I didn’t exist, you qualify only as a potential fascist.

But if you tell me:

“I disagree with everything you say

but I will fight to the death for your right to say it,”

then, my friend, you may consider yourself

as a member of the human race.

[ara baliozian]

Saturday, July 26, 2003

****************************

Think of massacres and genocides

as the final act of a play in whose act one, scene one,

someone’s human right of free speech is violated.

*

In his memoirs Stepan Zorian mentions a disciple of Tolstoy

he met as a boy in Tiflis who told him

"to write is to lie" and "all writers are liars."

And I immediately thought of our pundits

who are constantly and tirelessly engaged

in exposing Turkish lies and covering up our own.

*

Tolstoy once said to Gorky that

if Dostoevsky were to read a book on Buddhism

he would be less extreme in his views

and more psychologically balanced.

And yet, Dostoevsky died at home in his own bed,

whereas Tolstoy ran away from home

and died in the middle of nowhere.

*

To our chauvinist braggarts who believe in their own lies,

I say: "You and I, my friend, are petty little representatives

of a petty little nation with a sad past,

a sorry present and an uncertain future.

Come to your senses!"

*

It takes a special kind of idiot

to think that all men are idiots.

*

On closer inspection some harmless ideas

may be pro-fascist as surely as a friendly neighbor

may be exposed as a child molester

or even a serial killer.

*

To silence with reason those who silence by brute force:

perhaps this too is one of the most important aims of literature.

*

I have disappointed several friends

by refusing to play Abel to their Cain.

*

No one chooses to be born a Jew, a Turk, or an Armenian,

but after the deed is done one does one’s best

by allowing oneself to be brainwashed

by one’s betters who, more often than not,

are the scum of the earth.

*

It is said that you need swine to show you

where the truffles are.

But all our swine are capable of doing

is fill the air with their stench.

[ara baliozian]

ON SAROYAN

Armenians know not Saroyan

but a castrated version of him.

Saroyan was proud of his Armenian identity

but he was also thoroughly anti-establishment.

Armenians stress his pride

and bury his hatred of systems, power structures,

authority, titles, and mumbo jumbo.

*

THE WRATH OF GOD

Catastrophes like volcanoes and earthquakes

are sometimes thought to be expressions of God’s wrath.

But if God had emotions and got angry

whenever men misbehaved,

he would have collapsed from high blood pressure,

kidney failure, bleeding ulcers, heart attacks

and strokes centuries, perhaps even millennia, ago.

*

ARMENIAN EDITORS

After publishing over a hundred of my book reviews,

the editor of ARARAT Quarterly in New York

wrote me a brief note in which he stated

he was no longer interested in my reviews.

A year later he wrote me another note stating

he would now welcome more of my reviews.

After publishing five of my books,

all five written at his own specifications –

a textbook (THE ARMENIANS: THEIR HISTORY AND CULTURE),

an anthology (ARMENIA OBSERVED),

and three translations (one Zabel Yessayan and two Zarians)

the editor of Ararat Press and later Ashod Press of New York

rejected my translation of Zarian’s

THE ISLAND AND A MAN saying

he may consider another translation by me

provided it is not by Zarian.

The editor of NOR GYANK Weekly in Los Angeles,

after publishing my book reviews, commentaries

and translations for more than a decade,

suddenly stopped publishing me.

When I asked for a reason, none was given.

What is an editor without writers?

A nullity.

What is a writer without an editor?

An unpublished writer but a writer still

who may be published by some other editor.

But the purpose of this brief memoir

is not to define editors and writers

but to pose the question:

Are Armenians civilized?

*

PARTISAN EDITORS

They kept on publishing me

even after I adopted a critical stance towards them.

But they stopped publishing me on the day

they realized I was criticizing not only their opposition

but all political parties, including themselves.

And they did this for a very understandable reason:

they consider themselves beyond criticism,

which happens to be a conviction

I can’t argue against – only express my sympathy.

*

SEMANTICS

"How dare you call me a fascist?"

an angry reader writes.

"I am not a killer."

The only reason you are not a killer is that

you don’t have the power to pass laws

that legitimize murder.

Talaat and Hitler were not born killers either,

and for a number of years they may be said to have been

law-abiding citizens very much like yourself.

*

SCHOOLS OF CRITICISM

There is good criticism,

bad criticism and last but not least,

name-calling or verbal hooliganism.

You may now decide which school of criticism

is more popular among us.

[ara baliozian]

DEAD END

*****************

Turkish-Armenian relations will not improve

so long as the offspring of the perpetrators

and the offspring of the victims

are allowed to represent their respective nations.

*

SYNONYMS

*****************

In an Armenian context the words friend and enemy

might as well be synonymous.

*

SIMILES

**************

"As slippery as an oily Turkish wrestler," and

"as slippery as a wet condom":

after reading these two similes last week

I immediately thought of Saddam.

*

BOOKS

*************

One reason I will never write my memoirs is that

I see no plot-line in my past,

only a succession of disconnected places, faces, and books.

Above all books.

My happiest hours were spent in the company of books.

I grew up in a house with a single book – a dilapidated

elementary school anthology the first page of which

dealt with a peasant woman driving three mules

and a smart-aleck kid shouting:

"Good morning to you, mother of jackasses!"

to which she replies:

"Good morning to you too, my son."

At the age of thirteen I was given an Armenian translation

of Henryk Sienkiewicz’s WITH FIRE AND SWORD,

which I read with the concentration and enjoyment

reserved only for Hollywood adventure movies with Errol Flynn.

Until then I had thought of books

as alien objects produced by others for others.

After Sienkiewicz I became convinced that

some books may have been written especially

for my own entertainment.

But books ceased to be entertainment and became destiny

when shortly thereafter I read Dostoevsky’s THE GAMBLER.

After Dostoevsky I lost interest in Sienkiewicz

and to this day I have read nothing else by him,

not even QUO VADIS for which he was awarded

the Nobel Prize in 1905.

*

SURREALISM

******************

From a Chinese study on contemporary warfare

as translated by the CIA:

"Based on weight, the B-2 bomber which runs

$13 billion-$15 billion each,

is some three times more expensive

than an equivalent weight of gold."

On the absurdity of nuclear war:

"What is the point of defeating the enemy

if it means risking the destruction of the world?"

[ara baliozian]

DOSTOEVSKY

***********************

Whenever I run out of readable new books

I reread old favorites. At one time or another

I have reread – sometimes more than twice –

not only Mann, Sartre and Nabokov

but also Raymond Chandler, Simenon and Saroyan.

But not Dostoevsky.

The initial impact at the age of fourteen

was so electrifying that I doubt if it can be duplicated.

But I still enjoy reading a new biography.

I find that the lives of 19th-century Russian writers

are even more fascinating than their novels

with all their unexpected turns, twists and depths,

perhaps because reality is always more complex than fiction.

In fiction, as in all writing,

reality is reduced by a careful process

of selection, simplification and elimination,

and sometimes there is more truth in what gets eliminated

than it what is retained and analyzed.

*

RELATIVES

*****************

One advantage of being a slum-dweller is that

your relatives leave you alone and

if you are careful enough to keep a low profile

they may even forget you exist.

In the eyes of my relatives I am a failure

and a megalomaniacal daydreamer

who refuses to come to terms with reality,

to be gainfully employed,

to raise a family, in short, to be like them.

Now you may guess why is it that with such relatives

I fully subscribe to the old saying,

"Friends are God’s apology for relatives."

Except that in an Armenian context

it is not always easy to tell a friend from a foe.

Some of my best friends have now become

my worst enemies because we agreed on ninety-nine things

but disagreed on one.

Somewhere Saroyan writes that

unlike ordinary people he meets every day

all his relatives are crazy.

My relatives are not crazy,

just nasty folk who think I am the only crazy one.

But then, writers have never been popular with relatives.

Even Thomas Mann, who was more of a statesman

than a bohemian, was disliked by his relatives

who accused him of "soiling his own nest"

because he had dared to write about them.

And in the most recent biography of Dostoevsky

we are informed that he died

after a violent argument with a relative.

*

PADRE NICOLA

******************

One of the most unforgettable faces from my past

belongs to a Mekhitarist monk by the name of Padre Nicola

(Hair Nigoghos in Armenian),

headmaster of the Moorat-Raphale College in Venice.

In his thirties, thick black beard, large piercing eyes,

energetic, tough, smart.

In his study he had a record player and

a small collection of hi-fi records – all luxury items

for me, fresh out of a post-World War II slum

near Athens, Greece.

I shall always be grateful to him

because within a week after my arrival in Venice

he had introduced me to Italian opera,

beginning with Rossini – the overture to

BARBIERE DI SIVIGLIA and its three celebrated arias,

"Largo al factotum della citta,"

Una voce poco fa," and "La calunnia e un venticello,"

which to this day, even after the operas

of Mozart, Puccini, Verdi and Wagner,

remain perennial favorites.

[ara baliozian]

ARMENIA

****************

A village of geniuses led by its idiot.

*

SIMENON

*****************

In the universality and accessibility of his characters and plots,

Simenon has been compared to Chekhov,

but whereas Chekhov never succeeded in writing a novel,

Simenon could write one in a week

and he produced hundreds of them.

No one know exactly how many

because he also wrote under several pseudonyms.

And when he gave up writing novels,

he produced notebooks, diaries, and memoirs by the dozen.

My obsession with Simenon began in my twenties.

I do remember reading a Simenon in my teens,

an Italian paperback titled MARIA DEL PORTO – about a quiet,

shy, unassuming girl that in one scene – the only one

that I have not forgotten – a rough ruffian of a sailor

attempts to rape but loses interest

when she fails to resist or react in any way.

I was bored with MARIA DEL PORTO

and did not read another Simenon

until I read Gide’s diaries in which Simenon

is discussed at considerable length.

My curiosity was aroused and I tried another Simenon

and this time I got religion.

For the next ten years I read as many Simenons

as I could lay my hands on – a hundred, two hundred? --

I never counted them.

His are short novels

that can be read at one seating

or during a train trip.

*

SHAW

**************

The English allowed Shaw, an Irishman,

to make fun of them, to criticize them mercilessly,

even to insult them on occasion.

And Shaw lived and prospered to a ripe old age.

Imagine Turks or, for that matter, Armenians

allowing an Armenian to behave like Shaw.

Baronian, Zarian and Massikian tried

and they were either betrayed, silenced or buried alive.

That’s because England is a progressive nation;

Turkey and Armenia are not.

*

RHETORICAL QUESTION

***************************

Can you save a nation that rises

to the defense of its bloodsuckers

whenever they are exposed?

*

SAROYAN AGAIN

********************

Saroyan gambled, traveled, married,

fathered two children, and knew many celebrities.

His books are about gambling,

cities on three continents,

conversations with his children,

and reminiscences of celebrities.

Since I am a slum-dwelling bachelor

who has never gambled or traveled for pleasure,

I write about our problems. Which is why

I will never be popular among readers

who pretend we have none

or are fond of asserting that

in two or at most three generations

our problems with solve themselves.

These readers completely ignore or forget the fact that

the roots of our problems

(fragmentation, dogmatism, intolerance, tribalism,

authoritarianism) are as old as our millennial history

(according to such witnesses as Khorenatsi and Yeghishe)…

and to say that if ignored they will go away

is to legitimize corruption, incompetence,

greed, assimilation in the Diaspora,

exodus in the Homeland, and collective suicide.

*

DROPPING NAMES

***********************

Because I mentioned Saroyan several times

in recent writings, one of my gentle readers

has accused me of name-dropping.

If I am a name-dropper I must be a very poor one indeed

in view of the fact that I have only one name to drop.

*

REFLECTION

********************

Sometimes it has taken me twenty years

to realize that I was wrong.

To those of my readers who keep reminding me

that I am wrong, I can only say:

I do hope it will take you less than twenty years….

*

WISDOM

*****************

There is more wisdom in admitting error

than in asserting truths if only because

for every truth there are ten thousand lies.

*

LIES

***************

According to a Saudi official,

since torture is contrary to the teachings of the Koran,

it is not practiced in his country.

Now, imagine if you can, an official of a Western country

saying: "Since masturbation is

against the teachings of the Bible…."

*

MISSIE

**************

During my walk today I saw

an elegantly attired little girl

with a big, black, hairy dog twice her size,

but well behaved and obedient to her commands.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi!" I said.

"Nice dog," I added.

"Thank you," she said.

"What’s his name?" I asked.

"Her name is Missie," she replied.

"She had three puppies last month."

[ara baliozian]

SMILE

CABBIE: (to passenger): Where to?

PASSENGER (angry): Don’t be so damn nosy!

*

OVERHEARD

At a wedding reception, I once overheard

the following exchange between a German and an Italian:

GERMAN: Finito Mussolini.

ITALIAN: Hitler kaput!

*

PERVERTS

Most anti-Semites who say the Holocaust is a Zionist hoax

do so to drive Jews nuts.

And those who say the Armenian genocide

is a figment of our imagination do so because they think:

"So what’s in it for us if we side with the Armenians?

What can we get from them that we can’t get from the Turks?"

*

LIARS AND DUPES

All politicians lie but they lie in such a manner

as to make perfect sense to their supporters.

Which amounts to saying:

All supporters of a specific ideology, party or political agenda

are dupes by consent.

*

POLITICIANS

Even if you were to combine the genius of an Einstein

with the virtuosity of a Paganini

you could not create an honest politician.

*

LOTUS EATERS

Why is it that some people are afraid of the unvarnished truth

and they lash out with insults at anyone who dares to speak it?

Is it cowardice?

Fear of reality?

Is it because they sleep in a fool’s paradise of lies

and they hate when anyone dares to jolt them awake ?

*

THREE SISTERS

From my days in Venice

I remember the three Mildonian sisters,

daughters of a local doctor,

ethereal creatures all three,

the eldest of whom played the piano,

the middle one the cello,

and the youngest, Shoushanig or Susanna

(born in 1940 according to the SOVIET-ARMENIAN

ENCYCLOPEDIAM, volume 7, page 539) the harp.

Listening to the pianist’s flawless rendition

of such technically demanding pieces as

Khachaturian’s Toccata,

Chopin’s C-minor Etude ("Revolutionnaire")

and Bach-Busoni’s Toccata and Fugue in D-minor

on the grand piano in the Hall of Mirrors in Moorat-Raphael,

was such a shattering experience for me that

for the first time in my life

an attractive woman ceased to be an object of desire

(I was fourteen or fifteen then)

and became an angelic presence to be admired

to the point of worship.

*

GIARDA

My piano teacher: a temperamental old bugger

who after tormenting me with scales for a year

allowed me access to Bach’s Two-Voice Inventions,

a Chopin Waltz, a Debussy Prelude, a Grieg Wedding March,

and a Beethoven Sonatina.

*

RIZZOLI

Another pleasant memory from my days in Venice

was visiting little book stores and buying Rizzoli paperbacks.

For as little as the equivalent of twenty-five cents

you could buy a Shakespeare play,

for fifty cents a hefty collection of Chekhov short stories

and for a dollar a 2-volume version

of Dostoevsky’s CRIME AND PUNISHMENT.

And when my first book was to appear in 1975,

to the consternation of my publisher,

I insisted on a cover design similar to these Rizzoli paperbacks,

some of which I still treasure – bold black titles

on a gray background.

[ara baliozian]

ARMENIAN WRITERS

Saroyan once published a satirical short story

titled "Armenian Writers," in which he describes them

as pompous assess with ridiculously difficult surnames.

As for as I know, this story has never been included

in any one of his many volumes

and remains buried in an obscure American periodical.

Most Armenian writers resent Saroyan’s fame

and the anti-Semites among them ascribe it

to his Jewish wife.

Was Zarian’s wife Jewish?

I am not sure. But most Armenian writers resent him too.

Neglected, even ignored, by their own countrymen,

they are convinced what stands between them and fame

is either a Jewish wife or a competent English translator.

*

NAMING NEIGHBORS

In her late eighties, Mother has trouble retaining names.

She identifies neighbors with such labels as

"The woman who lives in the red house," or

"The couple with two dogs."

"The boy who lives by himself" is no longer a boy

(he retired last year) and lives by himself

after he lost both parents.

My own father died forty years ago.

Once, Mother had a brief exchange with a neighborhood lady

during which Father was mentioned.

Ever since then that neighbor is identified as

"The woman who remember your father."

"The old man," is half her age but is "old"

because he has white hair.

*

AN EVENTFUL WEEK

It began with a ferocious heatwave

in the middle of which we experienced a series of blackouts,

the first of which lasted eleven hours.

I was stung by a bee.

A bat somehow managed to insinuate itself

in our living room and scared the daylights

out of the women in the house.

The only positive note:

during the blackout I saw stars that I had not seen

in fifty years (during World War II in Greece)

and red Mars twice its ordinary size – a spectacle

that is repeated only once every 60,000 years, we are told.

*

INTERVIEW

Q: In an autobiographical book

you say that you were a heavy drinker. True?

A: Alcohol ruined my health

but it also allowed me to survive.

Q: How?

A: Depression would have killed me.

Q: Depression over what?

A: Being Armenian, being a writer, being a failure….

Q: Failure in whose eyes?

A: The world’s, my own….I will always be a failure in my own eyes

even if I succeed.

[Armat]

INTERVIEW

Q: In an autobiographical book

you say that you were a heavy drinker. True?

A: Alcohol ruined my health

but it also allowed me to survive.

Q: How?

A: Depression would have killed me.

Q: Depression over what?

A: Being Armenian, being a writer, being a failure….

Q: Failure in whose eyes?

A: The world’s, my own….I will always be a failure in my own eyes

even if I succeed.

Ara B. I hope you feel better now.I guess that feeling of failure is universal and we all feel it every now and then.Cheer up my coutryman I love you anyway.

[ara baliozian]

FREE SPEECH

*********************

He who violates my human right of free speech

is in no position to determine his degree of guilt or innocence.

If it were up to fascists to judge themselves,

they would be unanimous in pronouncing their victims guilty.

*

Has anyone ever bothered to see

how many times the expression "human rights"

or "free speech" occurs in the many speeches

delivered by the likes of Mussolini, Hitler and Stalin?

*

If you think today what you thought ten years ago,

or if you still believe everything

your schoolteacher or parish priest taught you,

you can be sure of one thing:

the last ten years of your life

have been a waste of time

because you have learned nothing.

*

The sons and daughters of well-known Armenian writers

that I have met or heard from

prefer solitude to the proximity of their fellow Armenians.

That may be because they know something

most Armenians don’t -- namely: to survive

in our environment one must either lie

or be penalized for his honesty.

*

Those who have violated my human right of free speech

are convinced they are better men than myself;

and they are better if only because

they are closer to God or the Truth.

Some of them have even delivered lectures to me

on good Armenianism.

They seem to be totally unaware of the fact that

only certified morons assume that

God, Truth, and good Armenianism have only one definition:

their own.

*

Those who conducted the purges in the USSR

during which our ablest writers were silenced

(some of them permanently)

were not bloodthirsty savages

or born killers or criminals.

They were law-abiding citizens.

The expression "banality of evil" fits them like a glove.

They did not see themselves as evil.

They were hard-working, dedicated, idealistic stiffs

acting in the name of duty, patriotism,

law and order and progress.

What happened to their offspring? I wonder….

[ara baliozian]

BEETHOVEN’S SHADOW

When Vahe Berberian once suggested that

Beethoven’s somewhat overblown shadow

unfairly eclipsed the reputation and worth

of many other equally great composers,

among them Boccherini,

Paul Jungmann, the quintessential German –

blond, blue-eyed, intense, unsmiling – said,

one should not speak such nonsense

in the presence of children.

Forever after music was never discussed in his presence.

*

A TOUMANIAN FABLE ABRIDGED

Early one morning when the fox hears a rooster crowing,

he thinks: "Breakfast!"

When he is told by the rooster in the tree

that he is not alone but with a friend,

he thinks: "Lunch too!"

But when he finds out the friend is not

another rooster but a dog,

the words breakfast and lunch are replaced with

"Feet, do your stuff!"

*

NOTES / COMMENTS

Wisdom and serenity are mutually exclusive.

You can’t be serene in a world of madmen

who think you are the mad one.

*

Subtract imagination from love

and the result will be closer to contempt than affection.

*

Our experiences have a meaning

that is beyond our understanding.

Or: our understanding is an extension of experiences

whose meaning has escaped us.

*

There is a type of minor celebrity

who behaves like a major celebrity

in the hope of being confused with one.

There is also a type of nonentity

who wants you to believe he is a future celebrity.

*

Whenever I reply to a critic, I make an enemy;

and whenever I am not diplomatic enough

in my replies – diplomacy not being my field –

I make a mortal enemy.

*

How many of us would be alive today

if we had Armenian ayatollahs authorized

to issue fatwas (contracts) on anyone

who disagreed with them or

their interpretation of the Scriptures?

[ara baliozian]

AGAINST NATIONALISM

Once when I asked the nationality

of a dazzling beauty – a teenage waitress in the cafeteria

of a department store where I was employed as a stockboy –

she said: "Canadian."

When I asked for more details, she replied:

"Let’s see now, Irish, Polish, German, Cherokee,

French, Italian and Ukrainian."

 

FIRST COMMUNION

When asked what had been

the most important day in his life,

Napoleon is said to have replied:

"The day of my first communion."

My own first communion was such a forgettable event

that the only thing I remember about it

is the above quote (probably apocryphal) by Napoleon.

*

HUNGRY FOR NEWS?

A headline in one of our weeklies today reads:

"Famous in the Former Soviet Union

for the Power of His Jaws, Galstyan Tries New Career."

*

ON BIGOTS

Bigotry may also be defined as

allergy to common sense and reason.

In a state run by bigots all reasonable men

will be labeled as enemies of the people.

*

ROAD TO WISDOM

The shortest line between ignorance and wisdom

is a painful blunder.

*

Translations from

JULES RENARD’S JOURNALS: 1887-1910

(Paris: NRF, 1965, 1424 pages)

**********************************

Why should I give a damn about a thinker

who can’t explain the universe to me?

*

A talented honest man is as rare

as a man of genius.

*

What happens to all the tears that we don’t shed?

*

A fat man parading his belly

as if it were a wind instrument.

*

"This will be enough to pay for your cigarettes."

"Yes, but only because I don’t smoke."

*

I hesitate to walk behind a woman

afraid she may think I am following her.

*

In the garden I lower my eyes

not to scare the bird in the nest.

*

Migraine: this must be what Christ meant

when he spoke of his crown of thorns.

*

It’s so very easy for a woman

to make herself desirable.

No need to be attractive or very young.

All she has to do is extend her palm in a certain manner

and a man will be more than happy to place his heart there.

*

"How are you today?"

"Much better, thank you."

"You weren’t feeling well?"

There I was, pretending to be concerned

about the health of a fellow whose obituary

would have barely registered on my consciousness.

*

My sister is proud of the fact that

unlike her brother she is a believer.

*

He is for freedom but he happens to be such a nonentity

that I for one would prefer to share my life with slaves.

*

To write is almost always to lie.

*

I don’t disturb the cat sleeping on my desk.

Instead, I go out for a walk.

*

If I acquired everything I ever wanted,

immediately I would feel as though I had nothing.

*

Patriotism: The bull from one village

refuses to look in the direction of a petite cow

from another village.

*

"That fellow over there is sure tough."

"Oh! Why?"

"He never says a thing."

*

I can’t imagine living in a world in which

there are no mysteries and surprises.

If God exists, he must be very bored.

*

[ara baliozian]

Saturday, September 06, 2003

*********************************

DENIALISTS

Notwithstanding the overabundance

of documentary evidence and eyewitness accounts,

there are people out there – not all of them skinheads

but academics, diplomats, and political leaders –

who are convinced the Armenian Genocide

and the Jewish Holocaust

are figments of someone’s imagination.

How does one explain this paradox?

To cover up a murder is not easy.

To cover up the murder of millions?…

One could say that we are all infected

with some degree of bias, prejudice and propaganda.

Also, that self-interest as opposed to objective judgment

dominates human relationships and political policies.

No doubt these factors are real and perhaps even inevitable.

But I suspect there is another factor that is often ignored.

*

THE GUILT OF VICTIMS

Simenon, the author of over 500 books

(memoirs, diaries, novels, mystery stories)

had a pet theory and a favorite theme: namely,

the guilt of the victim and the innocence of the killer.

He believed that man kills not because he is evil

but because he is provoked beyond endurance by his victim.

If it were up to Simenon,

all premeditated murders would be classified

as justifiable homicides. Now then,

if someone with Simenon’s mindset

were to write the history of our genocide,

he would emphasize the positive in Turks

and the negative in us to such a degree that

after reading it the average layman would think

Armenians themselves engineered their own destruction

and that what happened was not genocide

but collective suicide.

*

+/-

One could write an entire anti-Armenian book

by quoting only Armenian sources

and a pro-Turkish book by quoting non-Turkish sources.

*

JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

Whenever I read about a disgruntled employee

who goes on a killing rampage

I cannot help thinking that if his victims

were half as nasty as some of my bosses,

coworkers, and readers,

Simenon’s theory makes perfect sense.

I speak neither as a partisan nor a propagandist.

I consider parties and propaganda the source

of all confrontation and conflict.

If anything I am anti-partisan.

I believe in emphasizing the negative in us

and the positive in our adversaries.

If more people did that we would have fewer wars

and more peaceful coexistence – and ultimately

the brotherhood of all men,

which happens to be the professed aim

of all organized religions.

Where there is conflict,

the chances that both sides will emerge winners

are next to nil. This is not a theory but a fact

based on our own historic experience.

Deny that if you can!

 

*

[ara baliozian]

Monday, September 08, 2003

**************************************

PROPAGANDA AND LITERATURE

All our problems must be ascribed to our enemies,

propaganda tells us.

The enemy is us, literature reminds us.

And propaganda is more popular than literature

because no one likes to be told

he is a fool or a pervert bent on self-destruction.

*

"We are a wounded nation,"

I am reminded once in a while by our propagandists,

"and you don’t kick someone who is down," – thus

equating truth with a kick in the groin.

But truth is a kick only to those

who prefer to live in a world of lies.

*

Life is complex and our understanding of it limited.

Just when we believe we have figured things out

something happens to remind us we haven’t yet begun.

Which is why we need to share our understanding.

By contrast, propaganda tell us

we know all we need to know

and we understand what needs to be understood --

thus obstructing our path

to self-realization, development and progress.

*

Propagandists operate on the assumption that

most Armenians are uninformed yokels;

and the dogmatic arrogance with which

they assert their lies is such that

to challenge them would mean going down

into the gutter where they live.

Hence the reluctance of most Armenians to speak up.

*

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

You may hide from the rest of the world,

but to your conscience you will always remain an open book.

Cain killed Abel long before Moses and his Ten Commandments.

Even so, he was tormented by his conscience

to such a degree that he said:

"My punishment is greater than I can bear" (GENESIS, 4-8).

It is true that the voice of conscience

is not the only voice within us.

Vanity, greed, pride, fear, bias, self-interest, among others,

speak to us too and very often

conscience is the last one in line;

but it is there and it cannot be silenced.

*

ON NEGATIVE COMMENTARIES

Whenever a negative commentary appears

in the American press, we are immediately urged

to write letters to the editor and accuse

the author of the commentary of racism.

No one ever says:

"Let us consider the seriousness of the charge

and see if it contains particles of truth."

*

LIES

The easiest lies to expose in others

are the ones we have ourselves professed in the past.

*

MACHO ETIQUETTE

Hemingway’s last wife writes in a letter that

whenever she wanted to talk to him about a problem,

he would say: "I haven’t got time.

I have to go shit now."

[ara baliozian]

MEMOS TO A YOUNG WRITER

**********************************

Before you write a line ask yourself:

Why would anyone be interested in reading it?

What if I bore my reader?

*

Avoid repulsive details in the name of realism

because very often what remains in the reader’s mind

forever after is that detail and nothing else.

*

If you decide to be honest

be prepared to acquire mortal enemies.

*

Never underestimate your audience.

Always assume there are at least two readers

who know as much as you do

and at least one who knows more.

This rule, like all rules, has its exception of course.

If you write for an Armenian audience

it is always safer to assume that

every one of your readers knows better,

understands more, speaks more languages,

has seen many more places and

is acquainted with many more individuals,

societies and cultures.

*

Do not mention Khachaturian, Mikoyan and Saroyan

on the same page. I for one avoid reading all such articles

on the assumption that if you have read one of them,

you have read them all.

*

Never think of yourself as a dispenser of wisdom.

Compared to what we don’t know,

what we know is such a tiny fraction that

we might as well be blind, deaf and dumb.

When Socrates said "The only thing I know

is that I don’t know," he was not being ironic,

he was stating a fact.

*

Writing is difficult only when you have nothing to say

and writing is easy only if you repeat yourself.

Writing is like life.

If your life is easy,

do not waste your time writing.

You can write later….

[ara baliozian]

Friday, September 12, 2003

********************************

ON BELIEF SYSTEMS

Armenia existed long before

any one of our present belief systems

and it will continue to exist long after they are forgotten.

But if Armenia dies

it will be a premature death brought on

by the divisive tactics of those

who uphold these belief systems.

*

Our belief systems (ideologies, religions,

or political parties and churches)

would have us believe that they hold the keys

to the next millennium. In reality, however,

their narrow-minded dogmatism and intolerance

lead not to salvation but to an early grave.

*

Speaking for myself,

after I become infatuated with a belief system

or worldview or idea, I want to know more

about its critics.

D.T. Suzuki’s INTRODUCTION TO ZEN BUDDHISM

was a turning point in my life,

but Koestler’s THE LOTUS AND THE ROBOT,

a merciless exposé of Eastern religions and mysticism,

including Zen Buddhism, made me realize that

this turning point led to a dead end.

The best book on Christianity that I have read is

Bertrand Russell’s WHY I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN.

I love Toynbee but I also enjoy reading his critics,

except Trevor-Roper.

*

JOBS

As a wage earner, may I confess that

I have no pleasant memories perhaps because

I never had a job I didn’t hate – with the possible exception

of my first and last jobs.

Stoking the fire for a neighborhood blacksmith

at the age of nine was my first part-time summer job

and my last at the age of thirty:

organist in a Catholic church.

As an organist I preferred funerals to weddings

because at weddings I would be asked to play

the same old wedding marches (by Wagner and Mendelssohn),

Schubert’s or Bach-Gounod’s Ave Maria,

and Cesar Franck’s Panis Angelicus, and sometimes even

silly and sentimental tunes from the hit parade.

In compensation I would spend endless hours

with the complete works of Bach’s organ works

in an empty church with only the Good Lord as my audience.

*

FROM MY NOTEBOOKS

After they surround themselves with yes-men,

they think they are right because everyone agrees with them.

*

The unbelievable ease with each he who hates his enemy

will also hate his friend and his brother.

*

If you challenge an adversary with the certainty

that you will win, you will lose.

*

To act in the name of God is bad enough;

but to think that our faith makes us invulnerable

is nothing short of suicidal arrogance.

*

A lie is like a deadly virus.

Left unattended it will poison and kill its promoter

as well as his dupes,

families as well as communities,

tribes as well as nations, empires and civilizations.

*

Perhaps I write because my life has been

a succession of blunders which I hope never to repeat

but which I keep repeating.

*

More Translations from

Jules Renard’s JOURNALS

******************************

Snow on water: silence over silence.

*

"What we need is a good tyrant!"

"For good slaves?"

*

Someone else’s success bothers me

but not as much as if he really deserved it.

*

If you are afraid of solitude, don’t try to be just.

*

Rivers will stop running if they knew

their tributaries are about to dry out;

but fat men will continue to gorge themselves

in the middle of a famine.

*

Dream: when reason takes a walk,

fools dance in the brain.

*

Pigs: all that filth on a pink background.

*

They ask me for my latest news

so that they can tell me all about their own problems.

*

The pathetic life of a tree

that no matter how much it agitates

it cannot take a single step.

*

A flock of sheep guarded by such a diminutive boy-shepherd

that if the sheep look the other way,

he may fall prey to a hungry wolf.

*

Posterity: why should the next generation

be better that this one?

*

He lost a leg in the last war;

he kept the other for the next one.

*

Peasants are probably the only species of humans

who don’t give a damn about landscapes.

*

My horror of lies has killed my imagination.

*

The sun rises before I do,

but to even things out between us,

I go to bed after it does.

*

Where there is a will there is a way;

but where is it exactly that the will resides?

*

Nietzsche: you want to know what I think of him?

I think there are some useless letters in his name.

*

My body is the guide dog of my blind soul.

*

Yes, I am bored but I don’t mind

because boredom does not hurt as much as

anger, pride, desire, etc.

*

Pig: a potato with ears.

*

"You are modest."

"Yes, but it hurts."

*

On waking up every morning, we should say:

"Great! I am not yet dead."

*

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if an honest lawyer

were to plead the jury to find his client guilty?

[ara baliozian]

Saturday, September 13, 2003

**********************************

VANITY

Charlie Chaplin asked Truman Capote

to read the manuscript of his memoirs

with the eyes of a professional writer.

When Capote did and reported back with a list of suggestions,

Chaplin said: "Get the hell out of my sight!"

*

TERRITORIALITY

Animals defend their territory.

Men do too. But men also defend

their prestige, pride, vanity,

prejudices and ignorance.

*

MORE ON TERRITORIALITY

In the eyes of Muslims all Christians are infidels

and vice versa. Both Muslims and Christians may pray

to a merciful and compassionate God,

but in defense of their "territory"

they prefer to be merciless

in their dealings with their fellow men

who don’t share their prejudices and ignorance,

which they call faith.

Innocent until proven guilty may be a valid principle

in some justice systems but not in religion.

*

ON PLAGIARISM

When Garcia Marquez published

ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF SOLITUDE

he was accused of plagiarizing Faulkner and Balzac.

But he has himself admitted that

his main source of inspiration was

the first sentence of Kafka’s METAMORPHOSIS.

So what if he was also inspired or stimulated

by many other writers including THE ARABIAN NIGHTS?

There are two kinds of plagiarism:

the petty larceny variant practiced by mediocrities,

and the creative variant, the kind that all writers,

including Shakespeare, practice.

*

WHAT’S YOUR RACKET?

Even after 30 books and over a thousand articles,

stories, and essays in periodicals and newspapers

I hesitate to identify myself as a writer

because more often than not I am asked:

"How come I have never heard of you?"

to which I am tempted to reply:

"Next time you visit your public library

check and see how many names you recognize

besides Shakespeare’s and Hemingway’s?"

*

HIS RACKET

I can’t imagine Mozart at the age of thirty saying:

"I have composed enough. I am quitting."

I have no doubt whatever in my mind that

Mozart would have gone on composing

even at the age of 80, very much like Verdi.

Likewise, I can’t imagine God saying,

"I have created the universe and enough is enough!"

What if, even as I write these lines,

God is busy creating other universes?

*

MORE OR RACKETS

Speaking with a forked tongue

comes naturally to most lawyers, politicians,

statesmen, religious leaders, businessmen, and so on.

And the higher their position in the hierarchy

the more transparent their double-talk.

*

ORIENTAL WISDOM

To avoid grief, conflict, misery and suffering,

do nothing and be nobody. Or simply, imitate the dead.

That’s what most Oriental wisdom boils down to.

But since life is only an extremely tiny interval of light

in the darkness of non-being,

it should be as different from death as we can make it

even if in the process we experience confusion and misery.

*

FROM MY NOTEBOOKS

Imagined places are not subject to weather conditions.

*

We all need critics.

I have mine and you have yours;

and if you say you have none, I say

you have been very lucky so far

but don’t expect your luck to hold forever,

especially if you move within an Armenian environment.

*

A self-appointed commissar of culture

may qualify as a potential murderer

but not as a critic.

*

Why fight an enemy who is his own worst enemy?

[ara baliozian]

September 16, 2003

***********************************

HEMINGWAY AND CRITICISM

With the possible exception of Isak Dinesen and Simenon,

Hemingway was very critical of his contemporaries.

At one time or another he has denigrated

and even insulted Sinclair Lewis, William Saroyan,

William Faulkner, Sherwood Anderson, Gertrude Stein,

Michael Arlen, Norman Mailer, and

James Jones, among many others.

He has also said: "Criticism is s**t."

One could collect all his critical remarks

and publish them under the title HEMINGWAY'S S**T.

*

QUOTATIONS

In Pietro Kuciukian's travel impressions of the Middle East

I come across the following quotations:

 

According to Lord Byron: "Swear in Turkish,

negotiate in English, make love in French,

issue orders in German, sing in Italian,

pray in Armenian."

*

"Armenians are so nationalistic that

they are even willing to sacrifice Armenia

in the name of patriotism."

*

"An Armenian will hoodwink ten Jews

but two Armenians will be taken in by a single Jew."

*

"If an Armenian cannot write poetry

he will organize a new political party."

*

"Before you speak the truth

mount your horse."

*

FROM MY NOTEBOOKS

You start winning when you no longer care

whether you win or lose.

[ara baliozian]

Monday, September 22, 2003

*********************************

BEFORE AND AFTER

In a single day last week I aged twenty years.

Before my eye surgery,

when I was classified as "beyond legally blind,"

I saw the world through the eyes

of an impressionist painter (more Monet than Renoir).

I now see it through the eyes

of a Depression era photojournalist.

*

OVERHEARD

"A single wolf is a dog, a pack of wolves is a mafia."

*

"Suffering is a bad companion but an excellent teacher."

*

LITMUS TEST

How to recognize a Bolshevik?

If you say Stalinism and he says McCarthyism,

in the sense of six of one, half a dozen of the other,

even steven, tit for tat,

he is a Bolshevik and a good candidate

for a killer commissar who will gladly purge

not only his enemies but also friends.

To such a one the words dissent and death

might as well be synonymous.

*

FROM MY NOTEBOOKS

A Muslim scholar in Canada

has written a book critical of Islam

and now lives in fear of assassination.

*

Fanatics think with their intestines.

Their role models are people like Stalin and Saddam.

They are conditioned to be critical of others (which is easy),

never of themselves (which is harder).

*

You cannot engage in dialogue with cancer.

Cancer should be analyzed, understood, and if necessary,

surgically removed, because that is the only way

to obstruct its path of destruction.

*

Never complain to someone

who may have more problems than you.

Instead of sympathy you may get contempt and ridicule.

[ara baliozian]

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

************************************

FROM MY NOTEBOOKS

*******************************

"We prefer to promote our own,"

one of our partisan leaders is quoted as having said.

And what happens on the day

they run out of them – as they appear to be today?

Do they lament or do they congratulate themselves

for successfully eliminating the intellectual class?

*

Once, recently, when I said something to the effect

that our treatment of writers

has been worthy of barbarians,

it was the barbarians who were eager to prove me right

by hurling insults at me and in general

behaving like hoodlums on the warpath – as if

that was the only way they knew

how to prove me wrong.

*

"For a smart man you can be very naïve!"

a trial lawyer, who is also a good friend, tells me.

I don’t know about smart

but I am worse than naïve

when I get emotionally involved.

Emotion reduces a complex reality

into a one-dimensional extension of ourselves.

Emotion, writes Sartre somewhere,

attempts to change the world by means of magic.

What could be more primitive?

*

The most beautiful spectacle I have ever beheld

was a sunrise from a seventh story hospital window;

and to think that the purpose of a sunrise

is not to provide man with beauty.

*

To any objective observer

our underdog status is a direct result

of "a house divided against itself."

And yet, our dividers continue to enjoy community support

and those who call them gravediggers

are ignored, vilified, silenced, and starved.

*

Men feel about women

the way prisoners feel about freedom.

But as every free man knows,

freedom has walls of its own

and sometimes many more than a prison.

*

Overheard: "Too good is no good."

[ara baliozian]

Friday, September 26, 2003

**********************************

FROM MY NOTEBOOKS

*****************************

No one can be as catastrophically wrong

as one who thinks the truth is one

and he is its voice.

*

You may have noticed that

enemies of the U.S. appear to know more about the U.S.

than the average American.

Something similar could be said

of anti-Semites and racists in general.

If only these gentlemen knew as much

about the evils of totalitarianism, anti-Semitism and racism.

*

And isn’t it strange that

the very same people who criticize the U.S.

for its support of corrupt dictators

in Latin America and elsewhere,

are also ardent supporters of murderous thugs like Saddam?

*

We have this in common with the Arabs:

we are conditioned to ascribe most of our own failings

on the West, with one difference:

their enemy number one is Israel, ours is Turkey.

*

The Middle East has produced many more neurotics

than the Oedipus complex. On the day this becomes evident,

psychiatrists will have a new market.

*

Mullahs promise 73 virgins to horny teenagers on the warpath.

What do they promise to virgins?

A hundred gigolos?

*

Hatred of injustice should not be confused

with love of justice, especially in an environment

where there is more hatred than love.

*

One cannot speak of vision

where "the blind leads the blind."

*

I am attacked by our hooligans

and ignored by our academics because

I recycle the central message of Khorenatsi,

Yeghishe, Raffi, Baronian, Odian, Zarian,

Shahnour, and Massikian among others,

as opposed to promoting hooliganism,

pseudo-medievalism and dead-end massacrism.

*

Intolerance is born of insecurity.

Intolerance means fear of doubt and dread of exposure.

It might as well be synonymous with cowardice.

*

From the atomic structure of things to distant galaxies:

we all agree that there is an organizing principle

at work in the universe.

What we don’t agree on is

the goal of this organizing principle.

We cannot even explain why things exist.

As for the existentialist credo that life is absurd:

Is it conceivable for an organizing principle

to be subservient to its own contradiction?

*

The most interesting man in the world

is a bore to himself. Hence the old Armenian saying:

"Marte martov g’ella."

A man is made [whole] by another.

*

Criticism and death wish are mutually exclusive.

A critic who is driven by hatred

undermines the validity of his criticism.

[ara baliozian]

Saturday, September 27, 2003

********************************

ON JUSTICE

The very same people who accuse me

of exposing our dirty linen in public

run to an odar lawyer

whenever they have a grievance

against a fellow Armenian;

and once, when I proposed an internal justice system

to deal with such grievances

I was met with apathy, silence and even ridicule.

Why is it that those who demand our trust

do not trust one another’s sense

of fair play, judgment and justice,?

*

ON SHAMANISM

We were raised without the benefit

of Freud and Spock, granted;

and I am even willing to concede that

our ignorant, hidebound and disoriented parents

(disoriented by war, massacre, deportation,

exile and destitution) could have done a better job.

And yet, I shall always be grateful to them

for not conspiring with some hack or shaman

to make of us charlatans and frauds.

*

TWO SHAMANS

I respect both Marx and Freud

as pioneers in their respective field of inquiry,

but consider their differences:

Marx would have accused Freud

of using a pseudo-science of his own fabrication

to adjust the individual to an unjust,

dehumanized and essentially evil social order.

In his turn, Freud would have accused Marx

of Jewish messianism and a total inability to predict

the consequences of his own theories

which were fated to be far more dangerous,

lethal, and evil than those of capitalism.

And the irony is that both would be right.

[ara baliozian]

Monday, September 29, 2003

********************************

There are advantages in living

in a boring little town in the middle of nowhere –

no distractions and only two or three distant friends

who keep their distance and who

after a while may even forget

to check if you are dead or alive.

*

To those of my gentle readers

who are eager to inform me

that I am a failure as a writer, I say:

I prefer to think of myself

as one who has had three bad decades –

which is something that can happen

to the best of us.

We as a nation have suffered six bad centuries

(or sixty decades) under the Turks

and seven worse decades and under the Bolsheviks:

Who among us will dare to suggest

that we are confirmed failures

and no effort on our part will have any effect

on our jagadakir (that which is written on our forehead)?

*

If blunders don’t lead to wisdom

they will be repeated until the final catastrophe.

There you have it: our history in a nutshell.

*

The impressions of Armenian tourists in Armenia

remind me of the old Indian fable

of the three blind men trying to describe an elephant.

"An elephant looks like a rope,"

says the first after touching its tail.

"Like a tree," says the second

after touching one of its feet.

"Like a snake," says the third

after touching its trunk.

Speaking for myself:

I have heard and read enough to keep my distance

and I can only repeat what an Irish writer said of Ireland:

"It’s a good place to die";

and to paraphrase the famous last words

of a 17th-century French philosopher:

"I should like to see the last corrupt politician

strangled with the guts of the last corrupt policeman."

[Sasun]

To those of my gentle readers

who are eager to inform me

that I am a failure as a writer, I say...

 

Ara, I happen to share that view but I am not eager to inform you Its not about your writing skills or sincerety to change things. I think it is all about attitude. Your attitude is all critical to the degree of not even accepting kindness in fear of losing your pose as an all critical, honest, perhaps heroic, writer. Am I right or wrong? You will probably disregard my question as you have done in the past and continue posting your usual way. While I appreciate your noble intentions I also see no way that anyone, not just any writer, can bring about positive changes by simply criticizing, finding all kinds of faults with others, teaching from a cold distance.

That said, I do think that you have a lot of wisdom to offer and as a person have a lot of good qualities, and of course you must keep writing as no other Armenian writer writes like you

[ara baliozian]

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

********************************

Writes Hazlitt in one of his essays:

"The least pain in our little finger

gives more concern and uneasiness

than the destruction of millions of our fellow beings."

There you have it: human nature in all its glory.

Swine are better than us

if only because they don’t brag

about their non-existent moral superiority.

If only our revolutionaries at the turn of the century

had read Hazlitt!

*

Pity the nation whose leaders and educators

would be exposed as frauds and dupes

in an enlightened democracy.

*

Increasingly now I cannot help noticing that

our pundits and commentators write more

about Turks than Armenians

and when they write about Armenians

it is more often than not

about Saroyan, Khachaturian,

or some other contemporary semi-celebrity

who is making a name for himself in odar circles.

*

All arguments boil down to the assertion:

I am better or wiser or more patriotic.

Question: Who feels the need to make such assertions?

My guess is: Fools and dupes who cannot tell the difference

between patriotism and treason.

*

Growing up means acquiring an enhanced awareness

of the reality of others.

But no matter how intensely aware we become of them,

they are destined to remain second-class citizens

in our consciousness unless we artificially exaggerate

their importance to the same degree

that we diminish our own.

*

I have been exposed to too much Armenian crap

to be tolerant of Armenian nonsense.

*

Making yourself inaccessible to the enemy

is also a victory.