Family Members Trying To Play Matchmaker.

[Emil]

Do you guys often find your family members trying to "hook you up" with a member of the opposite sex? Has it ever worked?

[Sip]

You should start to worry when they start hooking you up with members of the same sex :lol2:

 

That's when you pack up and RUN!

 

But no, my family never tried to hook me up with anyone. They knew better.

Edited May 12, 2007 by Sip

[dianjan]

Do you guys often find your family members trying to "hook you up" with a member of the opposite sex? Has it ever worked?

Only once, and no it didn't work out.

[Maral]

is this a bad thing because you do not want to be in a relationship right now?

is it bad because they are setting you up with people not right for you?

I know a few people who have been 'set up' and it turned out great,you really dont' have to get serious with everyone you are introduced to.

Edited May 15, 2007 by Maral

[MosJan]

You should start to worry when they start hooking you up with members of the same sex :lol2:

 

That's when you pack up and RUN!

 

But no, my family never tried to hook me up with anyone. They knew better.

 

 

Sip jan we have gave up on you just like your family

prooof me wrong by sending an invitation on your wedding

 

and NO Buffet will not do the job this time

[MosJan]

Do you guys often find your family members trying to "hook you up" with a member of the opposite sex? Has it ever worked?

 

 

Emiljan it's ok

k@tesnes

k@sires

kamusnanaq

yerexa kunenaq

aveli shat kashates

mazer@t k@spitaki

mazer@t k@tapvi

k@Tseranas

 

de lav t@xur banereits chxosenq

 

Amusnatsy or mer jani Raderr@ imanas ;

incha es azg@ bazmatsnel@ mer v@ra a mnatsel ???

 

 

[Sip]

Hell no .. no weddings! Although I really like wedding food.

[MosJan]

ohhh boyyy your a lost case

ok ok ok yerb LA gas mi hat cheloQyabap Pativ k@tas el chem hishetsni anusnanalu masin

[ED]

es Sip@ boloris hrviruma Raffi's Kabab vor LA ekav?

 

Mos es jishta?

[Sassun]

Do you guys often find your family members trying to "hook you up" with a member of the opposite sex? Has it ever worked?

No... my parents were oblivious to it all. Not that they'd be able to be of 'help' even if they weren't!

 

So I am on my own.

[Em]

Do you guys often find your family members trying to "hook you up" with a member of the opposite sex? Has it ever worked?

 

May I flip the issue around? What if collectively they are tying to stop you from "hooking -up" or marrying someone? Some of us learn the hard way that the people who love you most and know you best can tell that the person you have chosen is not the best match for you. When you are in "love" it is hard to remove emotion from the equation. The emotions can dilute reality. You start seeing the person as you like them to be and you block out the bad charasteristics and traits that you should be most concerned with. Tehn the family/ friends become the enemy against you and your partner. And one day, you wake up and realize how truly foolish you were. You should have heard and realized that so many could not have been wrong in judging one person. And that one person cannot tkae the place of so many.

 

At times you look back and realize that your parents only tried to protect you and keep you from harm, but in adolescent yrs you were so intent upon creating your own identity that you went against them and rebelled for no other reason than to just do it "your way".

 

I have a daughter now, and even though she is very young, I am already worried about such things. When the day comes, how do I reach her and try to make her understand? I want to be able to connect with her on her level, but also have her see life as it is from my experince.

 

I appreciate my parents and their struggles so much now that I have a child.

[Sip]

I have a daughter now, and even though she is very young, I am already worried about such things. When the day comes, how do I reach her and try to make her understand? I want to be able to connect with her on her level, but also have her see life as it is from my experince.

 

Em ... I don't have a daughter, I am not a mother, and I don't claim to know much about these things. However it seems to me, you only can really have real influences on your daughter until she meets "him". After that, just let her be and be there for her I just hope until then, you'll have a chance to really program her to look for the kind of person you want her to be with

[Yervant1]

Dear Em124 you summed it up so nicely by looking at it from both sides.

I'm pretty sure you will do what it takes to show how much you love and care for her. In due time she will know that what you want for her is the best. There is no magic solution, don't need to worry about it, you do your part the rest is up to her and hope for the best.

[Em]

Em ... I don't have a daughter, I am not a mother, and I don't claim to know much about these things. However it seems to me, you only can really have real influences on your daughter until she meets "him". After that, just let her be and be there for her I just hope until then, you'll have a chance to really program her to look for the kind of person you want her to be with

 

 

Sip....I do not intend to "program" my daughter in any shape or form. Obviously she will be exposed to and influenced by my decisions, life choices, and general taste in all things, but I would never even try to meddle in her personal life. I have seen too many parent-child relationships adversely affected or even severed for such reasons. I think I will trust my daughter to choose wisely and accept whoever makes her happy in her personal life.

 

To elaborate on what you stated, can I not influence her if I am very cold and distant toward the hypothetical guy? I don't know whether she will change her mind based on my feelings for him. But if I was really intent upon shuting him out, I beleive that would greatly influence her.

 

My real issue is being able to connect with her as a friend, while still being her mother and not losing ground on that front. This is my dilemma. A few of us young mommys have discussed this topic to death on several occasions, yet I have not come to find solid answers. Do you play both roles? Or do you just stay the disciplinarian and hope that the love and attention will let you into their worlds?

 

Ufffff...I wish theydid come with manuals. It'd be so much easier.

 

 

 

 

[Em]

Dear Em124 you summed it up so nicely by looking at it from both sides.

I'm pretty sure you will do what it takes to show how much you love and care for her. In due time she will know that what you want for her is the best. There is no magic solution, don't need to worry about it, you do your part the rest is up to her and hope for the best.

 

 

Thank you Yervant. I am doing as much as I can for her. And I am sure she will turn out fine. BUT I actually went to school in this country from grade school and on. So hope is not enough. I want to shelter her.

 

Do you have any children? I only ask beacuse I used to be very nonchalant and easy going when talking of othe people's kids. Lol. When they are yours, it becomes quite real.

 

[Yervant1]

Thank you Yervant. I am doing as much as I can for her. And I am sure she will turn out fine. BUT I actually went to school in this country from grade school and on. So hope is not enough. I want to shelter her.

 

Do you have any children? I only ask beacuse I used to be very nonchalant and easy going when talking of othe people's kids. Lol. When they are yours, it becomes quite real.

 

Yes I do and they are about your age and they turned out to be wonderful. You need to play both roles which is the parent, with it comes giving her all the love and caring, the protection and setting their limits according to their age and enlarging the bounderies as they get older and more mature, keep reminding her that as she gets older she'll have more say in her life. The other role is the friendship where you become her friend and become her best listener, you open up the communication lines by which she will feel comfortable discussing things with you, let her know that her opinion matters and you listen to her. Once you establish that relationship believe me everything will be OK.

Please avoid sheltering her, it's much better for her to find out things through you with your explanations than finding it out outside from others whom might not be the best people or source of information.

 

 

[Sassun]

Yes I do and they are about your age and they turned out to be wonderful. You need to play both roles which is the parent, with it comes giving her all the love and caring, the protection and setting their limits according to their age and enlarging the bounderies as they get older and more mature, keep reminding her that as she gets older she'll have more say in her life. The other role is the friendship where you become her friend and become her best listener, you open up the communication lines by which she will feel comfortable discussing things with you, let her know that her opinion matters and you listen to her. Once you establish that relationship believe me everything will be OK.

Please avoid sheltering her, it's much better for her to find out things through you with your explanations than finding it out outside from others whom might not be the best people or source of information.

Yervant, you have kids my age? Wow, cool. I actually liked what you wrote. My parents have given me the exact opposite treatment that you talked about above. I have to say, that at times, I used to wish that they would be strict with me, at least that would have meant that they cared enough to pay attention to what I did and what I felt.

 

I don't know if it's supposed to be different with male kids, so maybe that is why my parents never showed any signs of caring about what I did?

[Yervant1]

Yervant, you have kids my age? Wow, cool. I actually liked what you wrote. My parents have given me the exact opposite treatment that you talked about above. I have to say, that at times, I used to wish that they would be strict with me, at least that would have meant that they cared enough to pay attention to what I did and what I felt.

 

I don't know if it's supposed to be different with male kids, so maybe that is why my parents never showed any signs of caring about what I did?

I'm glad that you liked it.

Yes some parent's hypocrisy is untolerable between their male and female children.

It's never too late to go to your parents and discuss the issue and find out their reasons for their behavior. Let them know how you felt and how much it meant for you. Sometimes a small heart to heart conversation can do miracles for relationships.

[Sassun]

I'm glad that you liked it.

Yes some parent's hypocrisy is untolerable between their male and female children.

It's never too late to go to your parents and discuss the issue and find out their reasons for their behavior. Let them know how you felt and how much it meant for you. Sometimes a small heart to heart conversation can do miracles for relationships.

That's the thing Yervant... I don't really feel close to my parents and I think that's because of their (past) behavior. Now I rarely talk to them even though we live in the same house... Sometimes - when I was younger - I did feel like talking to them about these things but always felt embarrassed to do so, and also did not know how to open the subject (I tried hinting at it but they did not seem to understand, or maybe they pretended not to understand). Now I have given up on talking to them.

 

Oh well. To hell with them. Life goes on.

Edited June 21, 2007 by Sassun

[Yervant1]

That's the thing Yervant... I don't really feel close to my parents and I think that's because of their (past) behavior. Now I rarely talk to them even though we live in the same house... Sometimes - when I was younger - I did feel like talking to them about these things but always felt embarrassed to do so, and also did not know how to open the subject (I tried hinting at it but they did not seem to understand, or maybe they pretended not to understand). Now I have given up on talking to them.

 

Oh well. To hell with them. Life goes on.

Why embarrassed? You seem to be articulating pretty well here in the forum. It's never too late you are all adults, you have your dissapointments and I'm sure they have theirs only mature dialogue can salvage the relationship. Listen and make them listen don't give up like that as you get older and regret it one day, they might not be around.

[Sassun]

Why embarrassed? You seem to be articulating pretty well here in the forum. It's never too late you are all adults, you have your dissapointments and I'm sure they have theirs only mature dialogue can salvage the relationship. Listen and make them listen don't give up like that as you get older and regret it one day, they might not be around.

Well, embarrassed because guys are not supposed to be talking about their feelings. And also because I felt uncomfortable talking about certain subjects with them (for example, girls/dating/love,etc.). It's different (easier) when you are talking behind a screen with people whom you have not met and will probably never meet , than talking with people with whom you will continue to share the house for some years ahead... If I shared those feelings with them, then every time they'd look at me, I'd suffer with the feeling of being transparent, and feel that they can see right through me. I don't know how to explain it. I've always been scared of giving away my feelings, because then they might 'take them away' from me, in the sense that they would no longer be PERSONAL. Hmm. I guess that's because I never really tasted the feeling of sharing things with my parents. Imagine coming home from school and starting to tell them something and it'd fall on deaf ears, you ask them if they heard what you said, they'd go: "huh? what?" It was so disappointing to see them do that over and over again. I'd just tell them "nothing" and go to my room. After a while I forced myself out of the habit of telling them anything at all, in the heat of my excitement. They wouldn't listen anyway. I used to make up for it by writing my thoughts and feelings. But after a while I stopped being able to express myself.

 

They messed up. I don't blame my mother, though. My dad is to be blamed for it. I actually feel sorry for my mom. Even though I used to be scared of the idea that my parents would get divorce (I was afraid they would leave me alone!), in retrospect, they should have done it and gone their own way instead of torturing themselves and each other. All this talk about divorce leading to problematic families is BS. I'd rather live with one parent (or no parent at all) than go through the hell that I lived through. I know, you will say, be careful what you wish for, but I KNOW better. If I had been sent to an 'orphanage' I would've received much more love and caring in one day than I received in the past 24 years combined.

 

Anyway, parents get only one chance to do things right. It's not like they can reverse all those years of pain and confusion that I had to go through, no matter how much they try to make up for it, and even if we talk. I would feel closer talking to a stranger than to my own parents, so what are we going to talk about? It's too little too late.

 

I just hope that other parents would find the right balance in dealing with their kids. When I become a parent I will make up for what I did not get to enjoy, by giving my kids all the attention that I wished and prayed I would get from my parents.

[Yervant1]

Wow Sassun sorry to hear all that, I hear you but I still say let them know how all those arguments effected your life.

Wish you good luck.

[MosJan]

 

 

 

Sasun are you the only child ??

 

Sassun your 24 - move out of the house and gave them some space of their own.

 

then wan the dust steels dawn and your parents start missing you, attempt to talk to them - remember do not drop a bomb on them just bit at the time baby steps

 

[Sassun]

Sasun are you the only child ??

Yeah. Unfortunately (if I had siblings at least I'd have someone to talk to and not feel so lonely!). Or maybe fortunately! My parents couldn't deal with 1 kid and had to neglect me, imagine if they had to deal with more than one!

You can say that their marriage was "matchmaking gone awry"... I still don't understand why/how people get married if they can't even get along, let alone have a kid. In that sense, I'm a "mistake." Which begs the question of marriage after love / love after marriage. Some people say that after getting married, love will just 'grow' even if it's not there before (the proponents of arranged marriage). That is just sooooooooooooooo wrong. I will never, ever, get into such marriage, even if that means I will remain single for the rest of my life!!!!

 

I wish I could move out Mosjan. That's my dream. But in this country, easier said than done. I have a job that pays me less than $300. In Lebanon you can't live with that kind of money if you do not own an apartment already. In other words, it's too little to live off of, if you have to rent a place. I had saved a lot of money to move out, but when it came to getting an education, my parents told me bluntly that if I wanted to get an education I'd have to pay for it myself. So I had a choice: move out or get an education. I couldn't have had both. I decided on getting an education because I thought if I moved out now, I would probably never get the chance to get a degree later (and I couldn't bear to see all my friends - who did worse at school than me - go to university to get a degree). So I ended up putting all my money there, and now I don't have any left-over money to think of moving out. Anyway now I am done with that, and have made up my mind to become a fighter or at least an army officer. That'll definitely mean being away from home! So it's like "meg karov yergoo trchoon zarnel".

 

My parents won't start missing me. If they did, there'd be no problem, would there? I went on a subsidized class trip for a month, and they did not notice I was gone ...... I'm not kidding.

 

The only thing that scares me is that I will end up being exactly like my dad. I know that I don't want to, and that I will try to do all my best not to, but I have heard people say that it's easier said than done for people who have lived in abusive homes. I guess the only way to prevent that from happening -- for now -- is to put myself through more of that, so that I would not 'forget' what I have had to live through.

 

So now you know why I have a fear of matchmaking. My friends have attempted to introduce me to girls before, but aside from a mere hello and some basic conversation, I have avoided getting to know them. If I will get married, I want to meet someone "naturally" and not "artificially", and love "naturally" rather than with doubt in my head/heart. I guess that means I'll be single for the rest of my life. Well then, so be it. Better than be a crappy abusive husband and father like my dad was to my mom and me respectively!

Edited June 22, 2007 by Sassun

[Sassun]

Wow Sassun sorry to hear all that, I hear you but I still say let them know how all those arguments effected your life.

Wish you good luck.

Thanks. Now I have a way of coping with it all. So far, so good.