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Jokes About Men


angel4hope

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ahhhhhhh Dan, come awn stop that dude...lets not start on the anatomy o the female mammary gland here....

god no.. http://64.21.83.54/forum/style_images/1/icon8.gif :yucky: that gave me some nightmarish imagery. http://64.21.83.54/forum/style_images/1/icon8.gif

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Genie in a bottle

 

There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."

The man said, "No Shit!"

 

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.

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A Daring New Position

 

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

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OKAY THIS ISNT PARTICULARLY ABOUT MALES, BUT HEY...! ITLL MAKE U GIGGLE...

 

A Definite Definition

 

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

 

Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

 

The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

 

Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

 

Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."

 

"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"

 

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

 

"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.

 

"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.

 

"Yes."

 

"Do farts have lumps?"

 

"No. Why do you ask."

 

"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

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:(  :cry:  you no like boobies??!!! :(  :huh:  :blink: :P  :P

 

j/k danny jan!! you know i like to have fun with you!! ;)

aww lol.. you know i like you!! ;) :P :kisss: :wub:

 

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

hahaha... :lol2: :angry: :thumbdown: Not all guys are like that!! :P :ph34r:

 

hes outta toilet paper, so he uses towels...

http://64.21.83.54/forum/style_images/1/icon8.gif http://64.21.83.54/forum/style_images/1/icon8.gif :yucky:

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Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and

during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male

patients was masturbating.

 

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of

this?"

 

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness,

but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up

rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times

per day, he could swell up and he might die"

 

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical

condition existed."

 

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde

nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

 

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

 

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

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A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed.

In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex

with him.

 

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but

recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

 

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a

particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives

there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no,

you'll be 5 inches shorter."

 

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds

the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.

"Frog, will you marry me?"

 

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

 

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this

is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

 

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

 

Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit

excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls

across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

 

The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell

you? No, No, NO!"

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Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on

the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new

game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all

agree.

 

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's

nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of

inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out.

It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and

width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that

thing is huge!" they exclaim.

 

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks

him what he did at school today.

 

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud

from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's

see who has the largest dick."

 

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

 

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had

the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true,

Mom?"

 

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

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In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

:huh: heh, 25 inches long and he can't get any women???!?! is something the matter with him? most women (although there are exceptions) are size-obsessed.. :rolleyes: maybe he's got another problem? :lol2:

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A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the

punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his

first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being

whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.

 

The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new

guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy

chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy

jumps at the chance and selects that room.

 

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says

"Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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The sky was dark

The moon was high

All alone

Just her and I

 

Her hair so soft

Her eyes so blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do

 

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine

 

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

To place my hand

On her breasts

 

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart

 

And when she did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came

 

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time

Milking a cow!

 

:lol: :lol:

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She

was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your

clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he

gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes

on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The

naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering

wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my

clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found

a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she

pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My

boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said,

"There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"

 

HAHAHA

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i love that cow joke...back in high school one of our teachers was reading it out loud and i was soo embarrassed...i was blushing..till it came to the last part and i realized that im a dork...it was only about a cow!
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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does

your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it

doggie style?" asked one of the two.

 

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick

dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well, not exactly.

Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

 

:lol: :lol:

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