as i see it - Pt. III

[ara baliozian]

ODIAN

***********************

It is such a pity that Armenians

who are qualified to run the Homeland

waste most of their time chattering on the internet.

*

If you are crucified and rise on the third day,

you are sure to run across an Armenian who will say,

"So why didn't you rise on the second day?"

*

Arpiar Arpiarian: "Armenians excel in staging splendid funerals."

*

If you want to read about

Armenian terrorists terrorizing Armenians,

Armenian assassins assassinating Armenians,

Armenian informers spying on Armenians

and reporting to the Ottoman police,

and Armenian embezzlers pocketing funds

collected for victims of Turkish massacres,

read Yervant Odian’s TWELVE YEARS OUTSIDE CONSTANTINOPLE: PERSONAL

MEMOIRS -- 1896-1908 (Istanbul, 1922).

*

What happened to the children and grandchildren

of these terrorists, assassins, spies and embezzlers?

I suspect they are the very same Armenians

who pretend to foam at the mouth

whenever anyone assumes a critical stance.

That’s their way of overcompensating

or expiating the sins of their fathers and grandfathers.

*

Before being condemned to death

French collaborators like Petain (a hero of World War I)

and Laval pleaded not guilty on grounds of patriotism.

Their line of reasoning: they had collaborating with the Nazis

out of love of their homeland.

If they had not collaborated,

the fate of France would have been much worse.

*

Not being honest is one thing,

but hating those who dare to be honest is a sure symptom of fear.

*

Again and again I am reminded that

our shortcomings are universal.

Yes, of course they are.

But we are also losers who pretend to be

morally and intellectually superior.

[ara baliozian]

Thursday, December 12, 2002

**********************************

Overheard on Canadian radio:

"As a Catholic I was not encouraged to read the Bible

without the guidance of…a child molester."

*

If you write against murderers

(and we have our share of them),

one of our charlatans is sure to take it upon himself

to remind you that murder is a universal problem;

and if he is an anti-Semite

(and we have our share of them too)

he will also remind you that the first murderer was Jew;

murder is therefore a Jewish invention – one more reason

to hate Jews, Zionists, Israel and that Nazi bastard Sharon.

*

Patriotism has produced more humbugs than any other ism.

*

You can prove a charlatan wrong

but you cannot make him admit it – that would be like

revoking his license.

*

According to an American: "The world may not like us

but they sure love our women."

*

"It’s a waste of time writing for Armenians,"

a good friend (an American career diplomat

and himself the author of several books)

reminds me once in a while.

But I don't write for Armenians or Turks or Hottentots.

I write for human beings (we have our share of them)

and against charlatans (ditto).

*

If you write against charlatans, they will hate you,

and even as they hate you

they will accuse you of being full of hate.

*

If a charlatan doesn't have a good reason to hate you

he will hate you for a bad reason.

He will hate you if you refuse to share his hatred of Jews

or his love for Stalin, Saddam or Bin Laden.

He will hate you even more if you refuse to be taken in

by his charlatanism.

*

Prove a charlatan wrong and make an enemy for life.

*

Patriotism and dissent are not incompatible concepts.

If patriotism meant subservience,

in what way Armenianism would be different from

Ottomanism or Sovietism?

[sen_Vahan]

Dear Ara,

 

These last posts make me think that they serve as answers to the latest "hot" thread about armenian xenophobia. They really explain what we are in practice. Recently a new student here asked me to explain what the decoherence in molecules is. I tried to do that somehow but saw some difficulty to be understood. Then I turned to armenians and started to give examples of decoherence (a very fast one!) among our people and their thoughts. She got me As you see, the thread was soon "converted" to personal insults although some coherence might be able to happen.

Ed khelkov el uzum enk inch vor bani hasnel...

[ara baliozian]

Friday, December 13, 2002

****************************

The problem with me is that

I have so many problems that

I don't know where to begin.

But if you think about it,

it makes perfect sense.

I am after all the product of six centuries

of subservience to one of the most brutal

and backward empires in the history of mankind.

I am short-tempered, vindictive, cowardly,

cunning and merciless towards inferiors --

mostly stray pet dogs and cats.

As an Orthodox coward I value a dishonorable survival

above a heroic death – which means

I have already died ten thousand deaths.

Notwithstanding my cunning

I have been taken in by imbeciles

who knew their business about which I knew nothing

but I thought I did.

You find all this rather depressing?

Don’ think it’s a joyride for me, my friend.

You are only reading it.

I live with it every day, hour and minute of my life.

*

Following the Ottoman Bank caper in Istanbul,

writes Yervant Odian in his memoirs,

Armenians who somehow managed to avoid

being massacred by enraged Turkish mobs

escaped to Greece where the Greek government

gave them food and shelter in a suburb of Athens

not far from the ghetto in which I grew up.

But before long, these Armenian refugees

"engaged in murder and larceny."

By way of consolation to our

holier-than-thou chauvinist charlatans,

I am more than willing to concede that

these Armenian murderers and thieves

were not their ancestors but mine.

[ara baliozian]

Saturday, December 14, 2002

********************************

While in Alexandria, writes Odian,

he met many impostors pretending to be

Ottoman Bank heroes.

"In two years their number had reached

the two hundred mark," he writes.

Speaking of another notorious hero, he adds:

"For a while we had two of them

each accusing the other of being an impostor,

until the real one showed up…."

*

You may have noticed by now that

the rate of survival among our heroes is higher

than that of our anonymous common folk.

*

A genius among Armenians is like a Napoleon

in an asylum full of gods.

*

I loathe deceivers as much as I loathe dupes

who are dupes because they use only a fraction of their brains.

You never see a two-legged man hopping around on one leg,

but the world is full of mental cripples.

*

There is a type of writing that says

"I am smart.

I am smarter than you.

I am smarter than anyone else!"

But between the lines it says

the exact opposite – "I am a fool.

I am a damn fool.

I am a loud-mouth nuisance."

[ara baliozian]

Sunday, December 15, 2002

*******************************

The Pope never said

"I prefer sodomizers to women priests,"

and our leaders never said

"We prefer the massacre

of women and children to subservience,"

but that’s what happened as a result of their policies.

We cannot shape a reality we don't understand;

and dialogue and democracy are better instruments of understanding

than monologue, dogmatism, and dictatorship.

*

What do our political parties and the Pope share in common?

Answer: Infallibility.

*

Another question that has been asked before

and deserves to be asked again:

Why is it that women qualify as saints but not as priests?

*

To say that a single brain, or ideology or religion

is sufficient to understand reality

is contradicted a thousand times by history.

And by history I don't mean the version of the past

provided by a single historian, ideologue, boss, bishop, or mullah.

*

My number one item on my wish list for the New Year:

To hear the words "I don't know" more often

from my fellow Armenians.

*

Only a megalomaniac thinks he can win argument

in an Armenian environment.

Which is why I prefer to question my adversary’s sanity

or tell him to go and be fruitful and multiply –

but not in so many words.

*

During the controversy surrounding Darwin’s theory of evolution,

an English clergyman insulted a scientist

by calling his ancestors apes, to which he scientist replied:

"Better an honest ape than an ignoramus and a charlatan like you."

I am not quoting; only paraphrasing and condensing.

*

As for solutions: we have more solutions than we have problems.

*

An Armenian who thinks:

"What the hell does he know? He is only a lousy Armenian,"

is probably right provided he also thinks:

"What the hell do I know? I am only a Turkish gypsy

pretending to be an Armenian."

[ara baliozian]

Monday, December 16, 2002

*********************************

I don't mind going down into the gutter once in a while

but I will be damned if I will follow them down into the sewer.

*

I no longer buy stationery.

Instead, I use the back of envelopes sent by Armenian fund-raisers.

*

Armenians are the only people on earth

who produce more experts than there are fields of expertise.

*

An Armenian is an intellectual capitalist

even when he happens to be a Bolshevik

of the post-Stalin Stalinist kind.

*

All cultures have their Dark Ages.

Ours is at its apex today.

*

A foolproof fool is one who even as he tries

to prove he is not a fool succeeds only in proving

the exact opposite.

*

All leaders assume they are smarter than the people

until they are thrown out of office, assassinated, or beheaded.

*

Armenianism as defined by our chauvinists and charlatans

is 50% recycled crap and 50% mumbo jumbo.

*

Everything that you do unto others will be done unto you.

*

What could be more redundant than freedom of speech

to someone who is in the business of recycling crap?

*

When it comes to Christmas I am a Scrooge.

I think Dickens would have written a better book had he met me.

[ara baliozian]

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

**********************************

When Odian uses the word "hairenapaghtsoutiun"

(nostalgia or longing for the homeland)

he has in mind not Armenia but the Ottoman Empire

and more particularly Istanbul.

He mentions the case of an Armenian writer in Alexandria

whose longing became so irresistible that

he returned to Istanbul where we was warned

he would be arrested and jailed,

and he was arrested and jailed.

*

I am personally acquainted with an Armenian

born and raised in America

who fell in love with America only after visiting Armenia.

I am even acquainted with an Armenian-American poet

whose dislike of Armenians increased

after he visited Turkey and acquired Turkish friends.

*

Since Armenians are the least impressionable people in the world

("Why couldn't you rise on the second day?")

you can easily guess how little an Armenian knows

about his fellow Armenians by the amount of time he wastes

trying to impress them.

*

There is only one way to impress Armenians

and that’s by impressing odars.

*

Armenians love dead Armenians.

They have something against the living

on account of they are guilty of being alive.

I suspect even my enemies will love me after I drop dead

if only because I will no longer be alive.

*

To be an Armenian and to deal with Armenians

is an endless exercise in degradation.

This has been my experience.

I do hope you have had better luck….

*

Such a pity that Axel Bakounts’s famous words

"They are savage beast and they are tearing me to shreds!"

were his last rather than his first.

[ara baliozian]

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

*********************************

The easiest way to create a nation of dupes

is to brainwash them to believe

they are just about the smartest people on earth.

If they believe that, they will believe anything!

*

It has been said that it is impossible to live in New York City

for 24 hours and love one’s fellow men.

What about living in the Ottoman Empire for 600 years?

*

In our environment criticism has changed no one

and reformed nothing. And yet, we continue to engage in criticism

because we all suffer from a complex

peculiar to all small nations: megalomania.

*

An instant of megalomania run amok:

She wants me to read, review, and translate her poetry

but she tells me she herself doesn't have time

to read Homer and Shakespeare.

*

He who said there are more dupes than people

sure knew what he was talking about.

[ara baliozian]

Thursday, December 19, 2002

********************************

In his memoirs Odian is more than willing to confess that

in order to survive outside Istanbul

he had to work for charlatans

and whenever the occasion presented itself

to engage in charlatanism.

Odian writes these things not for the sake

of accuracy or objectivity but as if to say,

"See how smart I was!"

He actually brags and expects his readers to congratulate him.

*

In one of his essays collected in

THE SUNDAY ISSUE OF MY PAPER Shahnour

not only accuses Siamanto of plagiarizing Maeterlinck

but he also cites half a dozen instances.

*

One of our elder statesmen once said that

Zarian had sold his host’s furniture

and pocketed the money;

and that Oshagan had written a book about a wealthy mediocrity

who had agreed to pay for his services.

*

I experience cultural shock whenever I meet a new Armenian.

*

If to a fool you speak like a fool he will think you wise.

*

Why even bother loving your enemy

if with less effort you can make ten new friends?

*

The most important lesson experience teaches is that

life is a succession of unique experiences.

[ara baliozian]

Friday, December 20, 2002

*******************************

What if the universe is a work of fiction

by a god that is getting bad reviews by other gods?

*

Yervant Odian: "It is the destiny of all beautiful ideas

to remain unrealized."

*

There is a scene in Mahari’s memoirs

that is pure theater of the absurd reminiscent of

Beckett, Ionesco and Pinter.

For the first time in his life Mahari is drunk.

It’s past midnight. He wanders into a park

and sits on a bench.

He is joined by a lady of the night.

MAHARI: Who are you?

LADY: Who are you?

MAHARI: I am me.

LADY: I am not me. There was a time when I too was me

but now…I don't know who I am…Got any money on you?

*

It has been said that sacred cows make

the most delicious shish-kebab.

*

Never say you know an Armenian

until you have disagreed with him.

*

If we are as smart as we think we think we are

and if the Turks are as dumb as we say they are,

we should have no difficulty in convincing them that

if they eat broken glass they will shit diamonds.

*

You cannot conduct a civilized conversation with a barbarian,

especially a barbarian who thinks he is more civilized than you –

which is the worst kind of barbarian.

*

Nothing comes easier to an Armenian

than to assume that anyone who disagrees with him

must be either stupid or evil.

*

It has been said that a politician will promise

anything – a bridge to a riverless town,

truffles to swine,

chickens to foxes,

sheep to wolves,

cobras to mongooses,

dissidents to Bolsheviks,

giaours to devout Muslims,

Jews to anti-Semites,

and Armenians to Armenians.

*

If you speak honestly in the presence of a handful of Armenians

at least one of them will start looking for a rope,

a tree, and a mob with which to lynch you.

[ara baliozian]

Saturday, December 21, 2002

********************************

Talaat and Kemal are our friends,

Lenin our Uncle,

Bolsheviks our Big Brothers,

and Stalin the Biggest Brother of them all – or is it

the Biggest Mother?

Dopes led by dupes!

Our history in a nutshell.

As for heroes – let’s not forget them!

We have more heroes than we have saints, martyrs, and victims.

We have more heroes than we have people.

And the number of their exploits exceeds

the number of stars in the heavens

and grains of sand of all the beaches and deserts of the world.

Even a thousand Homers could not do justice to them.

*

Many years ago when I came to Canada

and visited Detroit regularly,

I was surprised to discover that no one wanted to argue with me.

Now I too see no point in arguing with loud-mouth dopes and dupes.

*

They tell me my criticism is negative, non-constructive,

sometimes even destructive. If that were true

I would now by buried beneath of Mount Ararat of ruins and skeletons.

*

Why is it that nearly a century after Yervant Odian

published his COMRADE PANCHOONIE

we have more panchoonies than ever?

Every other day I receive a letter

from one of our panchoonie organizations

using his celebrated punch line:

"Mi kich pogh oughargetsek" (Send us a little money).

*

Chezoks (neutrals or non-partisans) are parasites,

I was told by our partisans whenever I identified myself as one.

And then I read Hitler’s dictum:

"It is not the neutrals who make history,"

and I knew on whose knees our partisans had learned their civics.

*

You can easily guess how humorless an Armenian is

by how seriously he takes himself.

Sometimes I feel like a stand-up comedian

who is read and attacked by philosopher-statesmen.

Once upon a time we had heroes.

Now we have philosopher-statesmen.

*

Most Armenians know more about Turks than about Armenians

and the chances are what they know about Armenians

is recycled crapola based on hearsay.

*

Be decent, be honest, use your common sense:

all ideologies and religions boil down to this simple message.

On the day mankind realizes this,

bureaucrats, priests and mullahs will go out of business

and we shall have no more wars and revolutions.

[nairi]

What?

 

Great posts again.

 

Nairi

[ara baliozian]

Sunday, December 22, 2002

*******************************

Our unspoken national motto:

"To learn nothing and to forget nothing."

*

I think, therefore I can't be a good Armenian.

*

I am often accused of hating Armenians.

What utter nonsense!

I don't hate all Armenians if only because

I don't know all of them.

I hate only Armenians I know.

*

I never say anything that I don't suspect

in the present company.

*

On first hearing Chopin’s music,

Schumann is quoted as having said:

"Hats off, gentlemen – a genius!"

Almost every day I hear myself saying:

"Hats on, Armenians – another charlatan!"

*

To be a good Armenian

it is not necessary to be a good human being.

As a matter of fact, some of the worst scumbags I know

happen to be good Armenians.

*

I have heard it said that

there is no such thing as a good Turk and that

a good Turk is probably an Armenian.

I wonder if Turks say the same thing about good Armenians.

*

If I am ever asked what is my greatest contribution

to Armenian literature, I will say: "I survived."

*

Armenians have been merciless towards their writers.

I don't see why I should take any prisoners.

[ara baliozian]

Monday, December 23, 2002

********************************

We are told Ararat is a dormant volcano.

My guess is it will wake up on the day it is returned to us.

*

Speaking of room temperature:

does an igloo qualify as a room?

*

It is written: "Never wish good luck to someone

who is trying to kill you."

*

Ask an Armenian to spell dialogue

and the chances are he will spell it duelogue.

*

It is written: "Where facts are few, experts are many."

*

Because I loathe brainwashed religious fanatics

who murder innocent women and children

in the name of a "merciful and compassionate" Allah

I am called a racist by Armenians

who harbor a genocidal hatred of Jews,

Americans (because they are pro-Israel),

and Western Civilization (because it is Judeo-Christian).

Figure that one out if you can.

*

If you analyze the causes of our miseries

you will invariably end up with loud-mouth

self-assessed smart Armenians

who speak like brainless Turks.

*

Joan of Arc did all the hard work

while Noah discussed labor problems with the Lord over schnapps.

But since the Bible was written by men

her name isn't even mentioned there.

*

Change things? Me? Nah!

All I am trying to do is have some fun

at the expense of our dirtbags.

[sen_Vahan]

"I think, therefore I can't be a good Armenian."

 

 

 

But I think, so I am

[ara baliozian]

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

*******************************

Pure-blooded Armenians?

I agree with the historian who said

mankind is a mongrel species.

*

It is written: "Bury the hatchet

but remember where you buried it."

*

You may take yourself as seriously as you like

for as long as you like provided you keep in mind that

in the eyes of some you will always remain a figure of fun.

*

When I speak of Armenians

I have in mind only Armenians I have known.

I speak of rules not of exception,

and it goes without saying that

every Armenian I have known

thinks of himself as an exception to all existing rules.

*

Once upon a time I too thought of myself as unique and special;

but then I realized I was like everything else

and I felt liberated.

*

If you convince a man that he is in fact

a barbarian, a dope, and an ignoramus,

don't expect to have his gratitude and affection.

*

Everyone has his way of judging a nation.

I judge nations by the manner in which

they treat their writers – not the dead but the living.

*

Scratch an Armenian and the chances are

you will find a toothless Turk.

*

You should be more optimistic, they tell me

with the tone of voice they order pizza with or without anchovies

thus confirming my pessimism.

*

I am personally acquainted with Armenians

who hate televangelists but love mullahs

and they love mullahs not because mullahs are lovable

but because mullahs hate Jews.

*

If I remember correctly it was Einstein (a Jew) who said,

if you want to form an accurate idea of infinity

think of human stupidity.

[ara baliozian]

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

*********************************

I write, therefore I am an optimist.

I try to reason with my fellow Armenians,

therefore my sanity should be questioned.

*

If Armenians were as smart as they think they are,

China’s rulers would now be Armenians

pretending to be Chinamen.

As for Turkey’s rulers:

they are probably Armenians but are too dumb to know.

*

And speaking of Chinamen:

You have no doubt heard the story about the Chinaman

who complained that everyone called him Sneeze

and when asked what his name was, he said

"Hep Chou."

*

Simenon’s biographers tell us

he published 721 books,

fornicated with ten thousand women

and fathered two children one of whom committed suicide.

*

I grew up in an Armenian ghetto in Greece

during World War II but I never thought

being poor in time of war and living on foreign soil

were problems until I read a book on sociology.

*

There was a time when

most of the phone calls I received were from

Armenian poets who wanted me to review or translate

their verse. The only people who call me these days

are telemarketers and thank God for that.

*

An Armenian will detect the presence of someone else’s baloney

a mile off but will ignore the stench of his own crap

even if he swims in it.

*

Armenians are such sensitive readers that

they may be permanently damaged by a misplaced comma.

*

My epitaph: "Here lies a minor scribbler

who was read by philosopher-kings."

[ara baliozian]

Thursday, December 26, 2002

********************************

To a confirmed anti-Semite

a Jew is a Jew and the only good Jew is a dead Jew.

You may have noticed by now that

the slogan DEATH TO JEWS does not come

with a footnote that says "Except women and children."

Genocidal hatred means hating unto death everyone,

including the unborn.

At the turn of the century the Turks too said

an Armenian is an Armenian

and the only good Armenian is a dead Armenian.

No exceptions made.

No footnotes included.

And the tragedy is not that

we have learned – or they have taught us –

to hate unto death – and to hate not only the enemy

but also our own kind – but that we don't know

and we refuse to know the many secret ways in which

history penetrates our bloodstream

and shapes our inner world.

The thought that the Turks may have had anything to do

with recreating us in their own image is so alien

and repellent to us that we shake it off like a nightmare vision

and sink back into our comfortable clichés

and elementary school platitudes taught to us by

provincial schoolmasters and dupes.

[ara baliozian]

Friday, December 27, 2002

*******************************

Readers with constipated minds

are prone to attacks of verbal diarrhea.

*

By washing our dirty linen in public

I besmirch our image in the eyes of the world,

I am told once in a while by concerned citizens.

Shakespeare said worse things about British royalty

and Shakespeare was Shakespeare

not a minor Armenian scribbler

writing in an environment dominated by philosopher-kings.

*

The challenge an Armenian writer confronts today

is to live in A.D. and to explain things

to an audience that lives in B.C.

*

Speaking of an Armenian poet

who after publishing a collection of verse fell silent,

Gourgen Mahari writes: "W hat happened to him?

Did he drown in a river or was he cannibalized by our critics?"

*

On the subject of moral superiority:

once upon a time the Americans made fun of the redneck slogan

KILL A COMMIE FOR CHRIST.

In the Middle East today they say

KILL A JEW FOR ALLAH and no one even smiles.

*

The prospect of reading the contents

of an Armenian discussion forum these days

is as pleasant as that of dissecting the intestines of a hyena

that has dined on dead skunks.

*

Our national sport?

Stabbing one another in the back

and arguing endlessly that the wound was self-inflicted.

*

Only an Armenian knows what it feels like being

a man without a country and without countrymen.

[ara baliozian]

Saturday, December 28, 2002

********************************

It is written: "It takes a great deal of knowledge

to know how little you know."

*

It is not at all inconsistent for a man

to abdicate his humanity for the sake of his belief system.

*

Likewise, it is not at all unusual

to be against capital punishment and for genocide.

*

Some men fall so low that

they make themselves inaccessible to scorn.

*

An Armenian will prefer to live in darkness

for the rest of his life if seeing the light

also means conceding that

as a human being he could be wrong.

*

I don't make fun of idiots,

only of idiots who think of themselves as philosopher-kings,

and more kings than philosophers.

And kings who given the chance

would gladly exterminate half of mankind

in the name of justice or compassion.

That’s the way it is with charlatans long on cunning

and short on brains. Give them a minute

and they will come up with a thousand reasons why

genocide is an act of mercy and blind hatred a patriotic duty.

*

Sometimes the best way to encourage a man

is to point out his mistakes; this of course does not apply

to men who are infallible or Armenian.

*

Once upon a time there was a writer

who, whenever he received a critical letter from one of his readers,

would sign and forward a printed message that said:

"Thank you for your letter. I shall try to do better."

[ara baliozian]

Sunday, December 29, 2002

******************************

A smart racist will never identify himself as one

but as a broadminded compassionate liberal,

after which he will feel free to support racists.

A smart anti-Semite will never identify himself as one

but he will suggest that since none of us knows everything,

it is safe to assume that the Jews

had a finger in every crime against humanity,

and sometimes not just a finger but a hand and a foot…

perhaps they were even in it up to their filthy necks.

To make a long story short:

It is beyond dispute that the Jews have been

and continue to be the source of all evil.

A smart fascist will never identify himself

as an admirer of Hitler or Saddam,

instead he will parade as an expert on contemporary affairs

who has read all the right pundits

and knows more than the rest of us

and what he knows is that

fascism is an ideology and

like all ideologies it has negative as well as positive features.

A true Stalinist will never say Stalin was a great leader;

what he will say is that,

if Stalin was the devil incarnate,

why is it that statesmen like Roosevelt and Churchill,

or Nobel Prize winners like Russell and Sartre,

were on his side?

A genuine bloodthirsty genocidal fanatic

will not identify himself as someone

who would support the extermination of a race or a continent;

instead, he will support suicidal fanatics

who chant such slogans as

DEATH TO JEWS and

DEATH TO AMERICA.

A smart dirtbags will never identify himself as one –

at least, though I have met many dirtbags

none of them has ever said,

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am a dirtbags!"

An authentic dirtbags will identify himself

as a noble specimen of humanity

who stands for equality, liberty and fraternity,

after which he will proceed to call you a dirtbags

and having done so he will say

"Nothing further, your Honor,"

and sit down with the certainty that once more

he has been successful in fooling a jury of dopes.

*

Everyone has an angle.

As for honesty and truth:

these are abstractions to be used, not lived.

[ara baliozian]

Monday, December 30, 2002

******************************

Twenty years ago I published a book

in which I said Armenians are nice, friendly,

tolerant, intelligent, creative, and progressive.

Ever since then God has been sending me Armenians

of the opposite disposition.

No lie goes unpunished.

*

Almost every other Armenian I know

has either sued, threatened to sue, or thought of suing

a fellow Armenian. The others are satisfied in being

each other’s carcinogenic agents.

*

The more devastating insults to lawyers I have ever read

is by Samuel Johnson who is said

to have remarked – I am now quoting from memory:

"I don't wish to speak evil of anyone

but I believe the gentleman in question is an attorney?"

*

To be a popular Armenian writer,

ask your audience what they want to hear and repeat it to them.

To be universally hated,

write what you observe and think.

*

Life is tough on everyone,

which is why revenge is redundant.

Do what comes easy and let life handle the rough stuff.

*

I prefer the English word "spoiled" to the Armenian "shepatsats."

Spoiled also means not fit for human consumption,

rotten, useless, likely toxic, possibly lethal,

to be discarded into the nearest trash can.

*

If you silence dissenting voices

you may have unanimity and the semblance of solidarity

but only at the cost of free speech, dialogue, democracy,

human rights, progress and civilization.

*

An Armenian discussion forum should have the following warning:

"Participation in this forum may be hazardous to your mental health."

*

No one can be as transparently laughable as a nobody

who tries to project the image of a somebody.

*

The more brainwashed you are,

the least aware you are of having been brainwashed.

[ara baliozian]

Tuesday, December 31, 2002

********************************

It is written: "It takes a great man

to deal with catastrophe and an even greater one

to prevent it."

I am afraid to say this but it must be said:

during our millennial history great men have been

an absent factor in our catastrophes.

*

You cannot disarm an enemy by flattering him.

Remember the old Indian proverb:

"The cobra will bite you whether you call it

cobra or Mr. Cobra."

Armenian translation: A jackass will kick you in the teeth

whether you call it jackass or Baron Jack S. Avanakian.

*

Disagreements are inevitable

when one side speaks of symbols (Armenianism)

and the other of reality (Armenians).

Symbols are one-dimensional abstractions.

Reality is a collection of an infinite number

of complexities, mysteries and enigmas,

and as such beyond anyone’s grasp.

The best we can hope to do is unravel one of them,

or, if we can't do that, to move in the right direction.

The alternative is recycling crap

and eventually burying ourselves in it

(our present shituation).

*

It is said that "Money can't buy friends,

but you do get a better class of enemy."

Since my income as a minor Armenian scribbler is negative

(I lose more than I make), which means,

the income bracket of a bag lady in Calcutta

is higher than mine,

I can't even afford to have scum-sucking sewer rats as enemies.

Which is why I can assert with some degree of certainty

that I have no enemies,

only friends who hate me,

fans who despise me,

and readers who don't read me.

Every Armenian is therefore my brother,

even if he is Cain to my Abel, or, if you prefer,

the other way around.

*

It is the easiest thing in the world

to offend a man who takes himself seriously;

all you have to do is take him less seriously,

or to insinuate that no matter how hard you try

you cannot share his high…make it very high…

make it extremely high opinion of himself.

*

There is a type of Armenian

who is incapable of expressing a simple disagreement,

he must also assume a holier-than-thou,

smarter-than-all-of-you,

and more-Armenian-than-Vartan Mamigonian-and General Antranik combined

attitude, with a p.s. that says:

"Butter wouldn't melt in my perforation."

And it is this final assertion that renders the others inoperative.

*

Here is another standard reply to unsolicited criticism:

"I am obliged by your opinions, and I retain my own."

[nairi]

Ara jan, happy New Year!