have some fun

[Guest]

Garabed goes to Toy'R'Us to buy his niece a Barbie doll. The salesperson shows him some models:

 

Barbie tennis player $19.95

Barbie model $ 19.95

Barbie stockbroker (yeah...) $19.95

Barbie Armenian Airlines stewardess $19.95

 

and finally:

 

Barbie divorced: $454.95

 

So, Garabed, puzzled asks why.

 

The salesperson: Oh, that comes with Ken´s car, Ken´s house and half his other possessions.

[Guest]

Humor

 

Warning: The humor here can be rather crude. Even Freethinkers have objections to things that offend them.

 

Yes what did you expect besides irreverence...... If you have some humor we'd love to hear it and post it.

 

 

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

 

 

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

 

 

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IS BARNEY THE EVIL ONE ?

 

Everyone knows Barney,... that cute purple dinosaur.

But here's something that you may not know:

 

1. Start with the given:

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

 

2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin

anyway)

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

 

3. Extract all Roman Numerals:

CV V L DI V

 

4. Convert these into Arabic values:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

 

5. Add these numbers up:

100

5

5

50

500

1

+ 5

----

666

 

There you have it..... A valid mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!

 

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A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in, " he said.

The Pagan asked why "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there and they say it's cool" The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time.

A man in a white comes to him and presents himself as Satan.

"Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell isn't so bad" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan. Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way"

 

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Elvis - Jesus Similarities:

 

 

a.. Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)

b.. Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

 

a.. Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.

b.. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

 

a.. Jesus was part of the Trinity.

b..Elvis' first band was a trio.

 

a.. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)

b.. Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

 

a.. Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.

b.. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

 

a.. Jesus was resurrected.

b.. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

 

a.. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)

b.. Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

 

a.. Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.

b.. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

 

a.. Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)

b.. Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

 

a.. Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)

b.. Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

 

a.. "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."(Matthew 28:3)

b.. Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

 

a.. Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.

b.. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

 

a.. Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.

b.. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

 

a.. Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.

b.. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

 

a.. Jesus was the lamb of God.

b.. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

 

a.. Jesus' Father is everywhere.

b.. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

 

a.. Jesus was a carpenter.

b.. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

 

a.. Jesus wore a crown of thorns.

b.. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

 

a.. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.

b.. Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

 

a.. No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.

b.. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

 

a.. Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.

b.. Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

 

a.. Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."

b.. Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

 

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Heaven is where:

The police are British, the cooks Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French, and it is all organized by the Swiss.

 

Hell is where:

The cooks are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it is all organized by the Italian.

 

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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day, on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

 

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

 

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!"

 

"Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

 

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." and let him in.

 

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this."

 

"I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.

I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

 

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Jordan enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

 

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

 

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Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

 

The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.

 

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

 

He answered, "they're Carol's."

 

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CATHOLIC MATH

 

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

 

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.

 

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. Well then, she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

 

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

 

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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a Waikiki store and bought some really outrageous shorts, aloha shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help staring -- and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father, Good morning Father," nodded and addressed each of them individually, they were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests, they wondered?

 

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father, Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it; but I have to know: how in the world did YOU know?"

 

"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm sister Angela!"

 

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I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I'd try to stall him until the authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to put film in my camera).

"Don't jump!" I said.

"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."

"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"

"Yes, I believe in God," he said.

"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"

"Protestant," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"

"Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

"Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or

Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or

Lose-Your-Salvation Armenian Conservative Independent Baptist?" "Calvinistic

Conservative Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said.

"Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist

OR Historical Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Pre-millennial

Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry

Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic

Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry

Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR

Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry

Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational

Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said.

"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against

Women in Ministry Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative

Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed

Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Pre-millennial

Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?" "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life

Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational

Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed

Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Pre-millennial

Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney

Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry

Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist

Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Pre-millennial Calvinistic

Conservative Independent Baptist" he said.

"Auugghh!!! You heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.

 

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

 

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

 

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, "Good idea.

 

And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

 

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

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Subject: three wise men

 

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts!

That's what they would like you to believe; however, this is what would have really happened.

 

They would have been late getting started (It's tough to get your make-up so that it doesn't clash with the camel). Then one would have to go back to change clothes because her outfit was too similar to one of the other's.

 

After a quick (6 hours) stop at the mall for the gift, they would have a huge fight about whether or not a Barney Sleeper fell into the category of swaddling clothes.

 

Half way to the oasis the camel would have broken down (no one checked his water level). After finally arriving at Bethlehem (They had to stop and ask directions 12 times), they stopped at a beauty parlor to get their hair done (They couldn't see the baby looking like that).

 

When they saw the stable they turned around and went back to a Howard Johnson's and got a room for everyone (There was no way they were going to stay in a dump like that).

The feminine trio finally arrived back at the stable only to find that the new parents had left for Egypt.

 

 

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Top 21 Good Things About Hell

 

 

Author Unknown

 

21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.

20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.

19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.

18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.

17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.

16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.

15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.

14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.

13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!

12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."

11. Every Thursday is Kareoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.

10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.

9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!

8. Big step up from Bakersfield.

7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.

6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).

5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.

4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!

3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.

2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.

1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.

 

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The Ten Commandments, updated for a modern age

 

Author Unknown

 

1.Thou shalt shut thy gob when politely asked, and not drone on endlessly.

2.Thou shalt not use circular arguments, such as "God exists, because the Bible sayeth so, and the Bible is True because it is God's Word."

3.Thou shalt notice when thy audience is bored rigid. See Commandment 1.

4.Thou shalt not use a cop-out such as "God worketh in mysterious ways" when backed into a corner by thine own twisted logic.

5.Thou shalt use thine own imagination, and not just quote from the Bible all the time.

6.Thou shalt not tell atheists what they believe, nor that thy God loveth them.

7.Thou shalt not get upset by jokes about thy God. He is big enough and old enough to looketh after himself.

8.Thou shalt not define how thy God worketh. Thou canst not know.

9.Thou shalt not state that the Bible is consistent and hath no contradictions. Thou wouldst be a fool to doeth so.

10.Thou shalt not say Grace without also thanking the farmers, truck-drivers and shopkeepers that actually did the work required to get your food to the table.

 

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From the Freethinkers of Ventura County January 2000 Newsletter

 

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

 

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

 

Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

 

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

 

On an atheist's tombstone' Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no place to go.

 

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

Pity the Atheist. On achieving orgasm he has no one to talk to!

 

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

 

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

 

Jesus loves you. Everybody else knows you're an asshole.

 

Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!

 

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

 

To YOU I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

 

I thank god I'm an Atheist...

 

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.

 

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

 

Campus Crusade for Cthulhu: If your god's dead, blame mine.

 

If you freeze to death and end up in hell... wouldn't you be really comfortable some point along the way?

 

If Jesus came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

 

Confession without repentance is just bragging. ? Rev. Eugene Bolton

 

They think, therefore I am. - God

 

SATAN, SATAN! It's the main megafumace! She's losin' power and the temperature is dropping fast! I'm not sure if I can hold her! ? Scotty in Hell

 

Go thou and sin more creatively next time.

 

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

 

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An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain. The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that."

 

"Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.

 

"But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."

 

"No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my wallet and my watch."

 

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THREE ARGUMENTS

 

 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married.

2. He never held a steady job.

3. His last request was a drink.

 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was always in trouble with the law.

3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He had no permanent address.

3. Nobody would hire him.

 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion.

 

AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God.

 

 

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Religion & Toys

Written by: Randy Kendrick

Comparison of Religious Theory..........TOYS-WISE

· Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys wins.

· Hare Krishna - He who plays with the most toys wins.

· Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys wins.

· Anglican - They were our toys first.

· Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

· Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.

· Atheism - There is no toy maker.

· Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

· Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

· Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

· Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to Hell if we catch you selling yours.

· B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

· Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

· Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

· Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

· Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

· Hedonism - To heck with the rule book! Let's play!

· Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses.

· Seventh Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses.

· Church of Christ - He whose toys make music loses.

· Baptist - Once played, always played.

· Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins.

· Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk wins.

· Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

· Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

· Non-Denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.

· Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

· Apathy- Toys? What do I need toys for?

· Judaism - I'm selling. You buying?

· First Kinky Church - You bet your ass we got toys.

· First American Church - We play only with cowboy toys.

· Church of Scientology - Toys 'R Us

 

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Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school one day. "Well, momma, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt." When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Israelites walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!"

 

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A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much

time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies

and comes to the Gates to be judged"

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds

his clock"

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's (fill in your favorite name like Bill Clinton)'s clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.

 

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A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.

 

He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

 

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

 

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

 

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

 

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

 

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

 

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

 

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

 

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

 

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

 

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

 

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

 

Guy: Uhh...no.

 

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

 

 

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A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it." God said, "No, I am sending you back. You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair color before she was released from the hospital. She figured that, since she had such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it. She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed.

Arriving in front of God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had another forty years left to live. What happened?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://home.att.net/~m.d.rivers/humor.html

[Guest]

I AM NOT A BIGOT!! (The Good Samaritan retold…)

I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I’d try to stall him until the authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to put film in my camera). "Don’t jump!" I said. "Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me." "God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don’t you?"

 

"Yes, I believe in God," he said. "Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"

"Protestant," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"

"Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said.

 

"Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

"Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Armenian Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said. "Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

 

"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist" he said.

 

"Aaagghh!!! You heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.

 

(For more of the kind visit http://www.nlca.org.au/NotSerious.htm )

[Guest]

I hope no one (especially women) take this personnaly. It is just a stupid joke. Here it goes.

This guy is on a desert island, where he finds a lamp. After looking at it, he starts rubbing it. The genie comes out and tells him that because he saved him, he is willing to offer the guy three wishes. But because the guy is divorced, the genies says to him that anything he is giving him, he must give the double to his wife. The guy agrees. For his first wish, he wants 10 million bucks. The genie gives him the 10 million, and gives 20 million to his wife. Then the guy says:

- Give me a villa in Grece.

The genie gives him the villa, but the wife gets two. Then the guys tells the genie his third wish:

- Beat me...halfway to death.

 

Again!!! Don't take this personnaly please.

[Guest]

Here's another one.

Three guys, an Englishman, an Italian, a Jew and a German, are still alive after their ship sank. They find a liferaft, and once they go on, they see that it is built for only three people. So the German takes out a gun and points it at the three others and says:

- I'm gonna ask each one of you a question, whoever doesn't get it right, will be dead.

And he asks the Englishman:

- In vhat year did the Lusitania sink?

The Englisg guy says:

- 1915, Guv'nor.

- That is right, says the German.

He points the gun at the Italian and asks:

- Hav many people vere on board?

The Italian says:

- Thera wera 2000 persons on the shipa.

The German approves, then points the gun to the Jew and asks:

- Name zee people on board.

[Guest]

quote:

---

Originally posted by hayemyes:
I hope no one (especially women) take this personnaly. It is just a stupid joke. Here it goes.
This guy is on a desert island, where he finds a lamp. After looking at it, he starts rubbing it. The genie comes out and tells him that because he saved him, he is willing to offer the guy three wishes. But because the guy is divorced, the genies says to him that anything he is giving him, he must give the double to his wife. The guy agrees. For his first wish, he wants 10 million bucks. The genie gives him the 10 million, and gives 20 million to his wife. Then the guy says:
- Give me a villa in Grece.
The genie gives him the villa, but the wife gets two. Then the guys tells the genie his third wish:
- Beat me...halfway to death.

Again!!! Don't take this personnaly please.

---

a good one but here is our version...

The story goes that a woman is driving on the side of the rode after just having caught her husband cheating with/ her best friend. She is very upset and driving erratically, suddenly she looses control of the car and starts rolling down the embankment. When the car stops the woman gets out of her car and starts walking. It is starting to get dark and she has no idea where she is. She spots a cave and decides to stay the night there. When she enters the cave and makes a fire for herself (she is a do it yourself kind of gal) she notices some writing on the walls. Upon observing the writing she finds that they lead to a passageway deeper into the cave. She follows the passage way and finds an old, dusty lamp. She starts to rub it to clean it off, but right then a genie pops out. Being so grateful that he has been found and let out of his lamp he grants the woman 3 wishes but warns her that whatever she wishes for her husband will get 3 time more of that wish. Her first wish is to be the most beautiful and desirable woman in the world (vanity). Wish is granted, but her husband is now the most handsome man in the world and has women all over him. Then her second wish is for her to have 10 million dollars. Wish is granted, but her husband now has 30 million dollars. The woman thinks hard about her last wish then looks the genie dead square in the eye and says "for my last wish i want you to give me a mild heart attack!"

moral of the story: dont mess with us women, we will outsmart you.

[Guest]

Radio Yerevan:

 

Is it true that married men live longer than bachelors?

- Yes, but that doesn't mean that some married men wouldn't prefer to dye prematurely.

[Guest]

Radio Yerevan:

 

Is it possible to get pregnant from a

distance?

- Yes, if the length is greater than the distance.

[MJ]

A BUN IN HILLARY'S OVEN

 

In preparation for her run for the Senate, Hillary went for a physical checkup and discovered that she was, of all things, pregnant.

 

"No way!" she told Jill, her gynecologist.

 

"No question about it, Mrs. Clinton," Dr. Jill replied, "you are most definitely a month pregnant."

 

Hilly stormed out of the office, into her limo, whipped out her cell phone and called the most private of private numbers at the White House.

 

"Ye-llo --?" Bill's chirped over the phone.

 

"Don't 'Ye-llo' me, you damn jerk!" she started screaming. "You know what you did? Right before I'm do something on my own, stand up for myself for a change instead of holding your stupid hand?! You know what you did?! You got me pregnant!!!"

 

Silence on the other end.

 

"Did you hear what I said, William Jefferson Moron Clinton?! YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!"

 

Finally Bill answered, quietly, carefully, "Uh -- who is this?

http://www.hillaryjokes.com/

[MJ]

BE MY GUEST

 

A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer were traveling from Chicago to Los Angeles when their car broke down late one night in Kansas. They walked to the nearest farm house and explained their situation to the farmer who answered the door.

"Ya'll be welcome to spend the night here if you want", the farmer said. "The only problem is I only have room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn." "I will," exclaimed the Jew, and with that the men went to retire. A short time later came a knock at the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry", the Jew said, "but I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a pig." "Then I will go sleep in the barn" exclaimed the Hindu, and once more the men went to retire. Soon there came another knock at the door. It was the Hindu.

"I am very sorry", the Hindu said, "but I cannot sleep in the barn either. There is a cow in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a cow."

"Oh, for gosh sakes!", the lawyer cried. I'll go sleep in the damn barn!" and once again the men went to retire. A few minutes later there came yet another knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig...

[koko]

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool