Brothers' place is not to rule sisters
Glendale News Press
March 05, 2005
WRITING THE RIGHT
Brothers' place is not to rule sisters
ANI AMIRKHANIAN
When I was child, my brother and I had a typical sibling relationship. Our
days consisted of peaceful harmony and then turned to rivalry that would end
with one of us yelling and the other raising fists of fury in defense.
My brother had the advantage of being bigger and taller, not to mention
older, while I had the advantage of being the younger sibling, which
sometimes meant I could "get away" with things. As the older sibling, my
parents believed he needed to set the example.
But as we matured, the dynamic of our relationship changed. No longer did we
fight, although there was the occasional bickering or insult. We became
friends and stayed more in our neutral corners.
There was one thing, though, the older we became: We never got involved in
each other's business and drew a line when it came to meddling into each
other's lives.
In my family, our relationship had its boundaries. But today, more and more
brothers seem to play a different kind of role in Armenian families.
Traditionally, an older brother has been the one to "protect" the younger
siblings, especially the sister, and is the sibling the younger kids can
look up to.
But in some Armenian families, brothers are more of an authority figure and
seem to play the role of a parent.
I have known Armenian families that have relied on their brother or even
sister to be the breadwinner and provider because a parent has been
unavailable. It is most commendable for a sibling to be the head of a
household and play the role of a parent to a certain extent.
But what is most striking is that many Armenian parents permit their sons to
be like watchdogs and even disciplinarians when it comes to their younger
siblings, especially their sisters. Brothers are especially responsible for
making sure their sisters are not taken advantage of or harmed by the
opposite sex in any way.
Of the many young Armenian siblings I have met, I have come to the
conclusion that brothers make it their job to question their sister's
actions and make it a priority to look out for anyone who may have the
"wrong idea" about their younger, vulnerable sister.
A young woman I know named Maria has a brother who is more like her parent
than her brother. Maria's brother is actually several months younger than
her. He has the authority from his parents to "keep an eye out" and
"discipline" her.
Maria one time mentioned she wanted to go on a casual coffee date with a
young man her age, but was worried her brother would find out and
disapprove.
"My brother wants to know whom I'm going out with and what they are like,"
she said.
Several weeks later, I spoke to her brother, who said it's important to him
to have a close friendship with his sister. He can establish a comfort level
with his sister, who can in turn tell him everything he needs to know.
Then I found out that his parents have asked him to look out for his sister
and do what he thinks is right to protect her.
"I will always look out for her, but if I need to have her come clean ..."
he said, motioning with his hand, waving it back and forth, as if pretending
to slap her face.
His remark and gesture took me by surprise, and I wondered how Maria felt
about her situation. I couldn't help but think she felt threatened by her
own brother. (If my brother ever gestured with his hand as if to say, "Watch
out or else you will be punished," I would interpret it literally and
consider it as a threat.)
Another young Armenian brother I spoke to one time said he was also
responsible for looking out for his two older sisters, both of whom are
college students.
"My sisters tell me everything. I told them not to keep anything from me,"
he said.
Based on my conversations with the youth, I came to a second conclusion
about brothers.
That being, if a young man is seeking their sisters' attention and is
assertive in doing so, then the brother steps in, even without his sister's
request. He then becomes a hurdle the young man needs to go over to win his
sister, and chances are he will not be successful. There is no doubt that in
many Armenian families, a brother plays multiple roles. There are often no
boundaries set that distinguish his role from that of his parents. The
parent and child roles are reversed in some cases.
It is hard for me to accept the fact that in some families, the brother is
put in charge of disciplining the sister if her actions are not perceived to
be appropriate by him.
As patriarchal as the Armenian culture is, this seems over the top and
unjust to Armenian women who have accepted their roles as sisters and
daughters. If I may say, in defense of my own gender, I think that this
particular role-play in the Armenian family suppresses women even more.
When do young women take charge of their own lives without having any men,
let alone their brothers, step in?
