Couple Of Jokes

[Azat]

Lost it

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

 

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

 

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

 

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

 

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

 

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[Azat]

Ouch

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."

 

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

 

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

 

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

 

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

 

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

 

The other guy says, "She bit my ****, pissed all over me, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

[Azat]

Redneck 911

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

 

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

 

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

 

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

 

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

[Azat]

Types of Sex

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

Two men were talking.

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

 

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

 

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

 

WOMEN'S HUMOR

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

[Azat]

This next joke is about 40 days late. sorry.

 

Tell us what happened...

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old.

 

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

 

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot the little bastard.

[Azat]

Your losing your load

As a Wisconsin trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Sip, its winter in Wisconsin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[vava]

Azat - you're on a roll!!!

 

[Maral]

Hey Azat!Not bad all! BRAVO

[vava]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in  front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear" she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile.  I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

 

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

 

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[MJ]

All about newspapers and those that read them.

 

 

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

 

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

 

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the

country, and who are very good at crosswords.

 

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country

but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like

their statistics shown in pie charts.

 

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the

country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave

LA to do it.

 

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the

country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

 

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's

running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a

seat on the train.

 

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the

country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably

while drunk.

 

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there

is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they

oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the

leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also

happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they

are Democrats.

 

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country

but need the baseball scores.

 

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the

grocery store.

[Azat]

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.''

 

The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.''

 

The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''

[allarmeniangirl]

Mother's Shock

 

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

 

But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

 

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.

 

P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.

[allarmeniangirl]

...since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

The NAME is FUNNY TOO!