MosJan Posted March 21, 2001 Report Share Posted March 21, 2001 Paint the PorchJulie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie:"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie."Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man."Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked."Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife."Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed."You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie."Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosJan Posted March 21, 2001 Report Share Posted March 21, 2001 Stranded on an islandThere are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosJan Posted March 21, 2001 Report Share Posted March 21, 2001 Blondes and Soda MachinesOne day a blonde goes up to a soda machine. She puts in some money and a soda comes out. She gets really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it the more the sodas came out. Someone walked up to her and asked her if they could get a soda. The blonde said, "Get out of my face, I'm winning!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 23, 2001 Report Share Posted March 23, 2001 Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms. Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. Democratic: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 23, 2001 Report Share Posted March 23, 2001 SEX TALK Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 23, 2001 Report Share Posted March 23, 2001 ETERNAL BLOATING A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 24, 2001 Report Share Posted March 24, 2001 RISE N' SHINE Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her sonout of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. Hesleeps with his dog." MAKING MONEY Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. Thefirst boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, hecalls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on apiece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few wordson a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people tocollect all the money!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 24, 2001 Report Share Posted March 24, 2001 1970 Vs 2000 - 30 YEARS MAKES A DIFFERENCE 1970: Long hair. 2000: Longing for hair. 1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints, taking pills. 1970: President struggles with Fidel. 2000: President struggles with fidelity. 1970: The Grateful Dead. 2000: Dr. Kervorkian. 1970: Getting out to a hip new joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint. 1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones. 1970: Being called into the principal's office. 2000: Calling the principal's office. 1970: Screw the system. 2000: Upgrade the system. 1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo. 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 1970: Take acid. 2000: Take antacid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 26, 2001 Report Share Posted March 26, 2001 DRUNK A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar completely drunk. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender kindly tells the guy he can't give him a drink because he is already drunk. Angry the guy stumbles back out the front door. About five minuters later the guy stumbles through the side door of the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink and once again the bartender tells the guy no because he is already drunk. The guy stumbles back through the side door. A few minutes later the guy stumbles through the bars back door. The guy walks up to the bar, looks at the bartender for a moment then says, "Damn, man how many bars do you work at?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 31, 2001 Report Share Posted March 31, 2001 THE LINEUP A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 31, 2001 Report Share Posted March 31, 2001 HOLDING YO' BREATHE A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "I'm drowning." --Submitted by Gary Lee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted March 31, 2001 Report Share Posted March 31, 2001 GOOD ANSWER! Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. --Submitted Vanessa Cosgrove, New Mexico Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 3, 2001 Report Share Posted April 3, 2001 FUN LOVING INSULTS Yo Mama So Fat.... ...she fell in love and she broke it ...she jumped on a scale and it said "to be continued" ...she jumped on a scale and it said "one at a time please" ...she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters ...she's got her own area code ...her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big Yo Mama's so old... ...she was in Jesus's yearbook ...when God said let there be light, she flipped the switch ...her driver's license number is one Yo Family's So Poor... ...your house has a kickstand ...you have to go home and take off your clothes so your father has pants to go to work Yo House is so Nasty... ...the roaches wear shoes ...you wipe your feet before going out Yo Pop's So Stupid... ...he thought a quarterback is a refund ...I gave a penny for his thoughts and got change back Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 3, 2001 Report Share Posted April 3, 2001 FEMALE HORMONES IN BEER Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 3, 2001 Report Share Posted April 3, 2001 Son: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 5, 2001 Report Share Posted April 5, 2001 THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ..."Just wait until your father gets home." My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ..."You are going to get it when we get home!" My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me LOGIC ..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job." My Mother taught me ESP ..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me HUMOR ..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My Mother taught me about SEX ..."How do you think you got here?" My Mother taught me about GENETICS ..."You're just like your father." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 6, 2001 Report Share Posted April 6, 2001 PREGNANCY Q & A Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 6, 2001 Report Share Posted April 6, 2001 REDNECK FATHER AND SON A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart andthen slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbersabove the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghos Posted April 11, 2001 Report Share Posted April 11, 2001 beggar: - Sir, please let me have a dollar.Garabed: - Don´t you want a cigarette, maybe one of my nice Cuban cigars ?beggar: - No, Sir, I don´t smoke, just a dollarGarabed: - Come with me, I will buy you a drink.beggar: - No, Sir, I don´t drink, let me just have a dollar.Garabed: Look, let´s walk to that shop and I will buy a few Lotto tickets, if you win, it is all yoursbeggar: No, Sir, I don´t gamble. I just want a dollar. Garabed: OK, come to my house, my wife will cook you dinner.beggar: Oh, why is that ?Garabed: So that she can see what type of men doesn´t drink, smoke and gamble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragon Posted April 12, 2001 Report Share Posted April 12, 2001 Very cute, Boghos. Dragon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 12, 2001 Report Share Posted April 12, 2001 YOGI BERRA QUOTES "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical." "Because it gets late early., on why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium." "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them." "It ain't over till it's over." "It's deja vu all over again." "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded." "We have very deep depth!" "We made too many wrong mistakes." "You can observe a lot by just watching." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karine Posted April 12, 2001 Report Share Posted April 12, 2001 Mi or Vartanike ir mamji hed gnum@ hyur Ajndegh nran mi khntsor en dalis Maman asom@ - Vartanik inch petq@ ases? -barev kh@ntsor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJ Posted April 13, 2001 Report Share Posted April 13, 2001 Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day 1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You...! Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 12. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 13. Allow me to introduce my selves. 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. 16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 19. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 23. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 25. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 26. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 29. I plead contemporary insanity. 30. And which dwarf are you? 31. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 32. Meandering to a different drummer. 33. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karine Posted April 14, 2001 Report Share Posted April 14, 2001 Datavore`vkain.-Kani daregan ek, dikin:-Karasonmek dari ev mi kani amis:-Konkret`kani amis:-Haryor hisonchors: ------------------------------------ -Mayrik, Sosn asom e, te yes ashkharhiamena lav aghchikn em:-Ozomem gone mi ankam tun hravirel:-Karik chka, aghchikes, togh sharnaki ajdpeskarcel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karine Posted April 14, 2001 Report Share Posted April 14, 2001 -Mi badjak oxoc lav ban chka:-Kaa-Vorn e?-Yerko badjak@: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.