Jokes

[MJ]

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

 

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

 

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

 

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

 

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

 

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

 

6. "Did he kill you?"

 

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

 

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

 

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

 

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

 

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "How many were boys?"

A: "None."

Q: "Were there any girls?"

 

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

 

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,

didn't you?

A: "I went to Europe, sir."

Q: "And you took your new wife?"

 

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."

Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

 

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Q: "Was this a male or female?"

 

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

 

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead

people?"

A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

 

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you

go to?"

A: "Oral."

 

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

an autopsy."

 

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

 

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A: "I have been since early childhood."

 

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check

for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law somewhere."

 

23. Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

24. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

25. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

26. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he

woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

27. Q: Where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

 

28. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

 

29. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

 

30. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the

voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

[armeniangirl83]

Two eggs were in a frying pan.

 

1st egg: hello there!

 

2nd egg: ahhhhh! a talking egg!

[armeniangirl83]

mummy mummy, what's for dinner?

 

shut up and get back in the oven.

[Nané]

MJ thanx for the "questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials" It brought me to tears hehe

 

I was doing Jury Duty a week ago and while we were waiting, the "Jury Docent" told us number 22. And there were some lawyers standing around (waiting to give lectures). It was hillarious

[Nané]

Happy Country

 

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

 

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

 

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

 

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."