Till Children Do Us Part

[Em]

Till Children Do Us Part

 

By STEPHANIE COONTZPublished: February 4, 2009, N.Y. TimesOlympia, Wash.

 

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2009/02/05/opinion/05oped.190.jpg Ruth Gwily

 

HALF a century ago, the conventional wisdom was that having a child was the surest way to build a happy marriage. Women's magazines of that era promised that almost any marital problem could be resolved by embarking on parenthood. Once a child arrives, "we don't worry about this couple any more," an editor at Better Homes and Gardens enthused in 1944. "There are three in that family now. ... Perhaps there is not much more needed in a recipe for happiness."

 

Over the past two decades, however, many researchers have concluded that three's a crowd when it comes to marital satisfaction. More than 25 separate studies have established that marital quality drops, often quite steeply, after the transition to parenthood. And forget the "empty nest" syndrome: when the children leave home, couples report an increase in marital happiness.

 

But does the arrival of children doom couples to a less satisfying marriage? Not necessarily. Two researchers at the University of California at Berkeley, Philip and Carolyn Cowan, report in a forthcoming briefing paper for the Council on Contemporary Families that most studies finding a large drop in marital quality after childbirth do not consider the very different routes that couples travel toward parenthood.

 

Some couples plan the conception and discuss how they want to conduct their relationship after the baby is born. Others disagree about whether or when to conceive, with one partner giving in for the sake of the relationship. And sometimes, both partners are ambivalent.

 

The Cowans found that the average drop in marital satisfaction was almost entirely accounted for by the couples who slid into being parents, disagreed over it or were ambivalent about it. Couples who planned or equally welcomed the conception were likely to maintain or even increase their marital satisfaction after the child was born.

 

Marital quality also tends to decline when parents backslide into more traditional gender roles. Once a child arrives, lack of paid parental leave often leads the wife to quit her job and the husband to work more. This produces discontent on both sides. The wife resents her husband's lack of involvement in child care and housework. The husband resents his wife's ingratitude for the long hours he works to support the family.

 

When the Cowans designed programs to help couples resolve these differences, they had fewer conflicts and higher marital quality. And the children did better socially and academically because their parents were happier.

 

But keeping a marriage vibrant is a never-ending job. Deciding together to have a child and sharing in child-rearing do not immunize a marriage. Indeed, collaborative couples can face other problems. They often embark on such an intense style of parenting that they end up paying less attention to each other.

 

Parents today spend much more time with their children than they did 40 years ago. The sociologists Suzanne Bianchi, John Robinson and Melissa Milkie report that married mothers in 2000 spent 20 percent more time with their children than in 1965. Married fathers spent more than twice as much time.

 

A study by John Sandberg and Sandra Hofferth at the University of Michigan showed that by 1997 children in two-parent families were getting six more hours a week with Mom and four more hours with Dad than in 1981. And these increases occurred even as more mothers entered the labor force.

 

Couples found some of these extra hours by cutting back on time spent in activities where children were not present — when they were alone as a couple, visiting with friends and kin, or involved in clubs. But in the long run, shortchanging such adult-oriented activities for the sake of the children is not good for a marriage. Indeed, the researcher Ellen Galinsky has found that most children don't want to spend as much time with their parents as parents assume; they just want their parents to be more relaxed when they are together.

 

Couples need time alone to renew their relationship. They also need to sustain supportive networks of friends and family. Couples who don't, investing too much in their children and not enough in their marriage, may find that when the demands of child-rearing cease to organize their lives, they cannot recover the relationship that made them want to have children together in the first place.

 

As the psychologist Joshua Coleman suggests, the airline warning to put on your own oxygen mask before you place one on your child also holds true for marriage.

 

Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history at Evergreen State College and the director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families, is the author of "Marriage: A History."

Edited February 13, 2009 by Em

[Em]

This article does not offer anything we did not already know. Yet 25 studies is a considerable amount.

 

What I find interesting and relevant is that I have a few older male cosuins and friends (early to mid 30s) who have opted not to have children. Two are afraid to even get married lest their wives do something sneaky and get pregnant.

 

Is it such a big deal for some men or women to choose not to have children? Why does the Armenian community view them so negatively? Would they rather see these individuals stuck in a marriage or role of parent and do a very poor job at it?

 

I think it is becoming more prevalent and one day perhaps society will just stay out of the personal lives of other people.

Edited February 13, 2009 by Em

[Anoushik]

Parents today spend much more time with their children than they did 40 years ago. The sociologists Suzanne Bianchi, John Robinson and Melissa Milkie report that married mothers in 2000 spent 20 percent more time with their children than in 1965. Married fathers spent more than twice as much time.

Isn't this curious? Even though later in the article it states that children don't want to spend a lot of time with their parents, common sense dictates that quality time spent with children is very beneficial for them. If today's parents are spending more time with their kids, then why all the nostalgia about the '50's and '60's family values? Looking at my students, I think today's parents are doing very good job loving and nurturing the kids.

[Anoushik]

Is it such a big deal for some men or women to choose not to have children? Why does the Armenian community view them so negatively? Would they rather see these individuals stuck in a marriage or role of parent and do a very poor job at it?

 

I think it is becoming more prevalent and one day perhaps society will just stay out of the personal lives of other people.

Em, I think lots of people in the Armenian community raise their eyebrows at those who don't want any children because they all have known lonely bachelors in their fifties who lament about what could have been. This is not to say that all people who choose not to have children are lonely in their later years, but some do get lonely. Maybe it's the communities way of guiding people to more conventional lives.

 

Having said that, I now, more than ever, realize what great responsibility having a child is. To bring a child into this world and raise the child to be a productive member of society is the most important job a parent will ever have. Not everyone is ready, nor willing, to sign up for that job.

[Em]

Precisely, Anoushik jan. Some of them know they are not willing or even able to be devoted, good parents due to their temperament or lifestyle choices. Yet they are still pressured or proded by not just close family but also the neighbors, in-laws and long lost acquaintances. The raised eyebrows are there for anyone who slightly deviates from the norm or the "accepted right way" to live their lives. It's maddening.

[Anoushik]

I know dear Em, but what about those people who later regret that they never had any children?

 

You're right, every one has a right to lead the kind of life he/she wants to lead. But as I grow older I realize that no one is free. We all live by society's established rules. And society dictates that life will go on even after we are gone. Hence we need to bring forth the the next generation, and the next generation needs to bring forth the next, and so on and on.

[Nané]

Is it such a big deal for some men or women to choose not to have children? Why does the Armenian community view them so negatively? Would they rather see these individuals stuck in a marriage or role of parent and do a very poor job at it?

 

I think it is becoming more prevalent and one day perhaps society will just stay out of the personal lives of other people.

 

I don't think they are viewed negatively (at least I have not seen it) but rather curiously. After all, reproductions is considered to be one of the main purposes of marriage in most cultures. And for us, Armenians, even more so. After all, we are so few in numbers many of us (especially elders) consider it a sacred duty. But of course we should be concerned with quality not quantity.

 

Society has no room in personal lives of individuals or couples. It is the individual (or couple) who allows society to influence their personal choices or not.

[Sip]

I have always hated kids (smaller than say 8 or 9 years old). I will never intentionally try to have one. Ok well I don't mind the "trying" part. It's the "having" part that I will try to avoid very vigorously.

[DominO123]

I have always hated kids (smaller than say 8 or 9 years old). I will never intentionally try to have one. Ok well I don't mind the "trying" part. It's the "having" part that I will try to avoid very vigorously.

 

Not ever wanting to have children is a devient abnormal behavior. Well until we find other methods to preserve the specy.

Edited February 17, 2009 by DominO

[Em]

Society has no room in personal lives of individuals or couples. It is the individual (or couple) who allows society to influence their personal choices or not.

 

I tend to agree with you yet life keeps proving otherwise. Some families (parents) are more supportive of the personal lives of their children than others. Especially for a person who is a single child or a daughter.

[Em]

I have always hated kids (smaller than say 8 or 9 years old). I will never intentionally try to have one. Ok well I don't mind the "trying" part. It's the "having" part that I will try to avoid very vigorously.

 

 

Hate is a strong word Sip. But you said it so I am making you my poster child for this specific topic. I have heard my older male cousin make statments such as yours and yet his mom thinks he is dellusional for thinking so. She still thinks he will meet the "right" girl and the need to reproduce will kick in. I think she is hilarious.

 

Domino, I think the Latinos of North America along with the Chinese and Indians are making sure that our species will survive. The world will be inhabited by an interesting mix of pople in a 100 years.

[MosJan]

I have always hated kids (smaller than say 8 or 9 years old). I will never intentionally try to have one. Ok well I don't mind the "trying" part. It's the "having" part that I will try to avoid very vigorously.

 

 

espes eq anum eli or 10 milyon Hay ka @endhamen@