Bomb The Evil Canadians!

[Yervant1]

Gather.com, MA

Jan 17 2009

 

 

Bomb The Evil Canadians!

January 17, 2009 11:17 AM EST

 

by Walker Bennett, SF Author

 

The following is an unabashed, full rip-off (with attribution and

link) to an article appearing recently on op-ed news. While

tongue-in-cheek, there is more than just a kernal of truth contained

in it to make me worried (since I now live in Canada).

 

 

President James Madison was forced to flee to Virginia. The British

commanders ate the supper which had been prepared for the president

before they burned the Presidential Mansion; American morale was

reduced to an all-time low.

 

That is from the Wiki account of the War of 1812, the only time the

USA dared fight a war with Canada.

 

The same sort of thing would happen today - Canada would whip the

sissy Americans easily, and have them writing their anthems about

it. {The "Star Spangled Banner" lyrics were written when Canada was

bombing Baltimore in the same war. Francis Scott Key was a distant

cousin of my first wife and I know all of the family dirt about him.}

 

The one thing that may give Americans pause is the security concern of

creating 30,000,000 insurgents at their front door that can brew a

beer that is light years superior to Budweiser.

 

****************

 

Bomb The Evil Canadians!

 

by Tim Cerantola

 

www.opednews.com

 

 

Canadians know Americans better than anyone else on the planet. Unlike

the rest of the world, as America's next-door neighbour (and little

buddy Gilligan), we Canadians get a chance to peer over their fence

and into their backyards every day.

 

True. We watch them salute their flag every morning.

 

We hear them shoot off their guns and test their military equipment in

the backyard.

 

And of course, we listen to them brag endlessly about America being

the greatest, most wonderful, supremely amazing, inexhaustibly

fantastic, prodigiously magnificent, voluminously fabulous,

immeasurably kick-ass incredible and... well, you follow my drift.

 

And, not that any of that is untrue but, why is it, when it comes to

choosing their leaders, we watch our gloriously superior cousins

inevitably pick some dim-witted, intellectually challenged blowhard

who thinks primarily about war and who America should attack next?

 

Indeed, unlike we Canadians, who pick our Prime Ministers based on

their lack of balls and how out of touch with reality they are,

Americans tend to vote for the candidate who best displays a rugged,

shoot from the hip, take no prisoners, bomb them into the stone age

style of leadership.

 

I am still in 'wait and see' mode with President-Elect Barack Obama,

but I'm not too hopeful.

 

You see, during Obama's campaign I couldn't help but note that Obama

was for escalating US military intervention in Afghanistan; he was

opposed to complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq; he was for

continuing the embargo on Cuba; Obama was also for hostile

confrontation with Venezuela's populist (and democratically elected)

President Hugo Chavez and all other Latin American reformers ` (even

though Obama speaks of protectionism at home, he demands free market

access to Latin America). Obama was a former defender of the

Palestinian people, but is now just another AIPAC toadie in full

(silent) support of Israel's violation of international

law/disproportionate bombing of Gaza which has included the use of

cluster and phosphorus bombs against civilian targets; Obama is also

for continued expansion of Israel into the West Bank.

 

I guess Obama's true litmus test will come when we see him repeal the

Patriot Act or not ` but don't hold your breath.

 

Now I surmise the American people feel safer with war-mongering

presidents, knowing that the global bad guy (whoever he is this week)

will capitulate to the American way of doing things rather than risk

having his country reduced to a smoldering pile of radioactive

charcoal briquettes.

 

And this is why I believe, with a few exceptions; Americans tend to

vote for the candidate who reminds them most of fictional war hero,

Rambo.

 

Seriously, I'd bet if you polled Americans, you'd find many would

agree that Rambo would make a perfect president. Granted, Rambo would

not be the type to say please and thank you to any dark "evil"

mustachioed dictator. No, if Rambo were in charge, he'd just bust him

one in the kisser. And then, while that no-good, third-world dictator

was down on the ground feeling around for his teeth, Rambo would

mumble something stupid like, "Uh..., yo, commie, I'm ready to demand

my terms."

 

You see, American foreign policy experts actually believe that if the

world's rogue nations (anyone that disagrees with the US) know that

America is prepared to bomb the living crap out of them at a moments

notice, they wont make any trouble. Which is why every silver-spooned

American son of a multi-millionaire, with presidential aspirations,

knows that to be a successful US president, besides having powerful

connections and oodles and oodles of money to buy an election with,

all you need is one thing ` a big stick!

 

Now before you minds start wandering into the gutter, the "big stick"

I refer to has nothing to do with Bill Clinton's well-documented

skirt-chasing antics. The big stick I reference is the one former

president Teddy Roosevelt waved during his "Speak softly but carry a

big stick" speech.

 

It was Roosevelt's "big stick" that cemented his presidential

legacy. In fact, Teddy's big stick was so effective, it has become the

standard for American foreign policy, not to mention crucial to every

president's credibility, since.

 

Think about it. Harry Truman, Eisenhower, JFK and Ronald Reagan all

displayed their big sticks and are remembered as presidential greats.

 

 

 

Remember Jimmy Carter?

 

Poor peanut farming Jimbo - though easily the smartest and most decent

man to ever sit in the Oval Office, Jimmy was too much of a peace

loving gentlemen to shamelessly wave his big stick around. And so, he

paid a big price in the presidential legacy department.

 

Not so with Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy charged up San Juan Hill with

his big stick. JFK swung his stick at Fidel Castro and Cuba. Ronald

Reagan laid on the lumber in Libya, Nicaragua, Panama and even little

Grenada - teaching those nasty, godless scourges of the free world

Grenadians a thing or two about...? ... ? ...Club Med?

 

Anyway, my point is, Presidents who use big stick politics are likely

to be remembered as great leaders.

 

This is likely why George W. Bush gets so excited about building a

huge missile defence system in Eastern Europe. Sure, George probably

doesn't even know where eastern Europe is and, he probably can't even

spell 'missile defence system' (let alone pronounce it); but at least

he has enough presidential savvy to realize he needs a really big one

` which incidentally explains the how and why of Dubya's presidency

perfectly ` you see, contrary to popular belief, the chances of a

total and complete imbecile being elected president of the USA are

actually pretty good ` especially if you like making war.

 

As for Dubya's next war target, well, it may be too late for

George. I'm sure he'd like to end his final term with a war against

Iran. As you may have read recently, Iran is still being vilified in

our 'fair and balanced' western media for their insistence on building

a nuclear power station.

 

Oooh scary!

 

To put it in perspective, the puny little country of Armenia has had a

nuclear power station for 30 years and so far, has not launched even

one atomic weapon at anyone. (Mind you, I still don't trust them).

But, I digress.

 

I guess Iran is the perfect choice when it comes to selling a war to

the American public. Iran really can't put up that much of a

fight. They have lots and lots of oil and, most important of all, Iran

is already a well-established global meanie with plenty of hate

appeal. Well it sure beats having to vilify a new country for an

American public that can't seem to keep their international enemies

straight. Besides, everyone knows that America likes a good war,

especially now that they can watch them on TV.

 

True, with the way American media portrays war, America's military

campaigns of late have seemed more like action movies. I often wonder

whether the average American can tell the difference. Seriously, after

a week or so, it seems most people don't even remember where or what

the war was about. They only remember how much they enjoyed all those

explosions on the TV news, not to mention all that glorious flag

waving at the end.

 

Of course, with George on his way out in a couple of weeks, he has

very little time and a very serious presidential legacy problem to

solve. Let's face facts; the man has delusions of adequacy. A majority

of Americans now view him as the biggest presidential turd of all

time.

 

At this point in his presidency, and with his unparalleled ability to

over-achieve in the under achievement department, a quick little fixer

upper of a war might help lift his presidential legacy to the level of

unimportant, if not, full mediocrity.

 

And so, I believe this could be a potentially serious problem for

Canada.

 

You see, like Iran, Canada can't put up much of a fight, we have

plenty of nuclear power stations, we have oodles and oodles of oil and

we're right next-door. Hey, we're ripe for an American invasion! I can

almost hear George's war rhetoric now...

 

"My fellow Americans, tonight America faces a new EVIL that is a

threat to American life, liberty and all that America stands for. Our

intelligence services inform us that for the last 140 years, several

million Canadians have been amassing along our northern border ` many

of them armed with hockey sticks.

 

I believe something has got to be done to stop these ungodly

Canadians. As far as this president is concerned, a bunch of EVIL tree

hugging beer-swilling puck-heads who always say please and thank you

after every sentence aren't even a real country! Besides, I don't

appreciate a people who actually think that Canada is bigger than

Texas. That's why I've decided to bomb their capital,

Toronto. Goodnight America and God bless."

 

 

 

http://blogoffanddie.wordpress.com

 

Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over

25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer,

he works at his real job working with autistic and special needs

children.

 

 

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?arti...281474977565949

[vava]

LOL - I don't know whether it's funny 'cause it's only partially true, or if it's downright sad because it's partially true...