Takoush Posted December 8, 2005 Report Share Posted December 8, 2005 Missing Husband A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted December 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2005 Crossing the River One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river," Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat twice. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 Personal Statistics I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me ... "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 (edited) The Perfect Husband There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to trade-in the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $80,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling the bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $750,000 - magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $710,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do to..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Edited March 6, 2006 by Anahid Takouhi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skhara Posted March 6, 2006 Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" What a jerk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted November 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2006 (edited) Native American Trades An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man. "What have you got for collaterial?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book. "Don't know of collaterial." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "I don't know; it has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put it in my pocket." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked. "I don't know of deposit." "Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?" Edited November 17, 2006 by Anahid Takouhi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted November 19, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2006 (edited) Traveling on the train There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again." Edited November 19, 2006 by Anahid Takouhi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted November 19, 2006 Report Share Posted November 19, 2006 Missing Husband A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" sounds like my wife is looking for me again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted November 19, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2006 sounds like my wife is looking for me again Hehehehe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted November 19, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2006 Finding a Chinese Jew Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scatterred everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted January 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2007 4 Golfers on Sunday Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they were about to tee off one of them, a car dealer, says that he had a confession to make. "You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to give my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week." The second man, a well known realtor, says, "That's nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come." The third man, a travel agent says, "I can top that; I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that's gonna end-up costing me." The fourth man, the engineer, doesn't say anything, so they asked him about it. He says "Well... it's no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: 'making love or golf course', and here I am, just like that." Aren't engineers such smart as....es?? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cool An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the eningeer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted January 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2007 An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mistery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted January 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2007 Engineering Ingenuity On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of engineers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. When one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "ticket please" and collected tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for this time the whole group had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takoush Posted January 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2007 Engineering Ingenuity On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of engineers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. When one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "ticket please" and collected tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for this time the whole group had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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