Anileve Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 Did you ever give advice to someone and they find every possible chance to refute it? You take a stand on a certain position they do the opposite, observing this next time you give advice supporting their decision and they go back and do the opposite again? Or a different scenario where your view is true however they attack you by pointing out how you failed to accomplish exactly the same thing thus your advice is invalid? I tend to listen to people and approach a situation with as much objectivity as possible, considering every angle, but when the person keeps saying the same thing every time I grow aggravated. I end up snapping with “Don’t ask me for advice if you do the opposite or if you keeping rejecting it.” I know it is necessary for a person to just vent without getting certain guidance, but if they keep coming back for more and keep doing the same thing it just feels like I am a fool who is wasting her time. Sitting there and just nodding my head doesn’t work because they want your input. What ends up happening is a circular situation. How do you deal with it, what do you think is the right approach without getting overly personal or aggravated? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamavor Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 Did you ever give advice to someone and they find every possible chance to refute it? Because of that Lawyers charge certain fee for an advice! When peope pay for advices it is more difficult to refute them! Eve, we (me and Armen) missed you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 Eve, we(me, Gams and Armen) missed you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 ... but when the person keeps saying the same thing every time I grow aggravated. ... Well, I didn't miss you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 (edited) Oh and as far as advice, I've noticed there are two kinds of situation. 1. The person is really asking for advice. 2. The person is looking for someone to justify whatever it is that they have already made up their mind about. In the #2 situation, the person would often refute or find some way to contradict the advice being given, if the advice goes against what they were expecting. They go into a defensive mode and it's the type of situation I try hard to avoid. But as far as having someone going with the oppositve of a given advice all the time, I haven't seen that happen too much when the request for advice is genuine. Edited October 28, 2004 by Seapahn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anileve Posted October 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 Missed all of you too. It’s a very busy time for me, currently I am taking a break from studying and clearing this advice thing. Sip, you are absolutely right about the 2 cases and that is what I thought. But first time I encounter the 3rd case. Which is no matter what stand you take they do the opposite and then come back for more, until the point where you are unclear of what you are supposed to say. You are confused lose control by asking what exactly do they want from you and then it turns into an argument and some personal attacks. And how much venting can one take and remain cool. In the example of venting, a person keeps venting about a coworker which irritates them and makes them upset. You tell them to ignore him after 2 looong venting sessions. Next time you say how about you ignore the person because obviously this is getting them upset. They deny that they become upset and keep venting emotionally. After 5 times of the same thing over and over again you grow really angry when the sessions are 1 or 2 hours long. You don’t want to be a jerk by cutting them off and seeming insensitive so you continue listening. I don’t know how to become completely disconnected if you care for the person. Perhaps it’s better to remain neutral to the situation by saying you have the right to feel this way and you’ll do what is best. But I find that this only encourages them to keep making you into their therapist. I think I am ranting now. How do you remain disconnected? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anileve Posted October 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 Because of that Lawyers charge certain fee for an advice! When peope pay for advices it is more difficult to refute them! style_images/master/snapback.png That's a brilliant statement! I could never be a lawyer. I hate when people complain about the situation and keep doing the same thing, just move to a solution dammit. I think the worst job is a psychiatrist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armen Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 When I see that a person is a decision maker (will oppose my advice) and/if I am realy concerned with that person's request I will generally talk the person into making the decision himself. I start asking questions, highlighting this or that fact etc. Some miss you Eve, some don't ... but it is evident that there is a general concensus on me missing you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anileve Posted October 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 Your feeling is not unrequited Armen jan. I think my other major flaw is that I am too emotional, which is often perceived as an attack or a dictation. I usually care too much and try to go to all the possible lengths to make the person feel better. I have to learn to remain very tranquil and make a graceful exit when the person is arguing too much. It works better when a person simply says, "I understand, I trust you will make the best decision, I am not in your position so I don't know." If they insist to place yourself in that position you simply say "I am not there so I can't" that usually kills any discussion. That's been done to me, I don't like it but it kills the discussion instantly and the person remains in good spirits. A bit selfish yes, is it wise? Certainly. I have to conform to my belief of Egoism with strictness and I have to stop being so damn emotional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormig Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 Eve, if you ask me, case #3 is looking for emotional supply, depending on what the advising situation is. Somehow I doubt it is about finances. We all need "venting" - some more, some less - but to be dependent on it is sad. Myself, I don't extend myself to say/do things to make people happy - just the minimal to help them out. By minimum I mean no more than one "session" or two... It's better that way. Otherwise you become the object of their "venting" - I've seen myself doing this to others, so I know what should be knocked off by whom and when. It's a need, but snap out of it already, like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Accelerated Posted October 28, 2004 Report Share Posted October 28, 2004 But first time I encounter the 3rd case. Which is no matter what stand you take they do the opposite and then come back for more, until the point where you are unclear of what you are supposed to say. Do they live in an asylum? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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