ara baliozian

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. -- Douglas Adams

Monday, December 24, 2001 ******************************** Some may think what follows is about love; others may think otherwise. I will let the reader decide. Last night while reading the diary of a contemporary writer I came across the name of Pierre Lot, a turn-of-the-century French novelist familiar to Armenians for his love of Turks and hatred of Armenians. I remember, when I first heard of this as a boy, I ascribed it to some kind of incomprehensible human perversity. How can civilized man and a famous author to boot love Turks after knowing what they had done to us? And why did he hate Armenians? What possible harm had we done him? I am older now and the years have enhanced my understanding and tolerance of human eccentricities and predilections. With a little effort I think I could understand Pierre Lot. I could even understand the Armenian-American poet (who shall remain nameless) who after a short visit to Turkey wrote me a letter in which he said he found Turks much more lovable than Armenians. I now see nothing incomprehensible in that, as I see nothing incomprehensible in William Saroyan saying that we Armenians should feel sorry for Turks. One reason I am now more favorably disposed towards those who hate Armenians is that I have witnessed and even experienced on my own skin Armenian hatred of Armenian. If Armenians can hate their fellow Armenians, why not a French writer? Who knows, maybe there will come a time when Armenians will learn to love their fellow Armenians after they learn to love Turks. But perhaps not even then┘.

Sunday, December 23, 2001 ***************************** May I confess that I don't always like what I write; but there are things that must be said and things that write themselves, so to speak, without any effort on my part -- as though my hand were driven by reality itself. What I can't understand are Armenians who hate me but go on reading everything I write as if I were rearranging reality for them and they don't like what they see; and instead of saying "You don't know what you are talking about!" they insult me, thus confirming everything I say about Armenian intolerance, tribalism, and Ottomanism. Some even go down into the gutter hoping I will join them there, and when I fail to do so, they become more irrational. It is as if they were saying: "If you think I am as bad as a Turk, then, by jingo! I will behave like one!" instead of: "I will prove you are wrong by behaving like a civilized, tolerant Armenian and a worthy member of the first nation that accepted Christianity whose central message is compassion, forgiveness, and love."

A TIMELY PROPOSAL ***************************** Anyone who defends the status quo against malcontents like me deserves a medal. As things stand, we have all kinds of crazy medals with crazier legends, such as PRINCE OF VASPURAGAN, KING OF CILICIA, and EMPEROR OF TRANSCAUCASIA. The medal I have in mind should simply read DEFENDER OF THE FAITH, and it should be awarded not only to wealthy merchants and capitalists with deep pockets but also to ordinary wage-earners and members of the proletarian class. One of these days if and when our bosses, bishops and benefactors smarten up they will see the wisdom in this proposal. If they haven't so far it’s because of purely financial reasons. I am told a PRINCE OF VASPURAGAN medal costs the recipient a minimum of $5000; my guess is, a mythical kingdom in Cilicia comes a little higher; and only multimillionaires can afford an imaginary Transcaucasian empire. By contrast a DEFENDER OF THE FAITH medal could be within the income bracket of any working stiff.

QUATRAIN ***************** Of certain men One could truly say: "He is worse than a Turk. He is an Armenian!" Saturday, December 22, 2001 ************************************** MENDOZA: I am a brigand: I live by robbing the rich. TANNER: I am a gentleman: I live by robbing the poor. Shaw, MAN AND SUPERMAN (1903) *** He knows nothing, and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career." Shaw, MAJOR BARBARA (1907) *** QUESTION: What did you think of after reading this second quotation? ANSWER: Every other Armenian.

THE JACKASS AND THE RAT ************************************ Once upon a time, or as we say in Armenian, there was once and there was not (gar ou chigar)a jackass and a rat. Gentle reader, if at this point you identified yourself with either the jackass or the rat, you do not qualify as a gentle reader but as a prejudiced one, that is to say, you are a hostile reader and an enemy. This parable is not for you. Nothing I say or write is for you. Please do not read me any more. I don't need enemies. As an Armenian I have enough of them already -- more than my share, as a matter of fact. I need friendly readers. I need friends. But perhaps I will have better luck looking for them in the animal kingdom, including jackasses and rats.

LATER / 20 December, 2001 ******************************** It's not easy being an Armenian. If you are honest, the dishonest will develop a consensus against you. If you understand or know something they don't know, you will be verbally abused by the ignorant. If you are a moderate, don't be surprised if you don't make too many friends among the fanatics. If you make fun of partisans, members of both parties will hate your guts. The only way to be popular among fools and charlatans is to be one of them. It's not easy being an Armenian. Thank God I am only a minor scribbler. I hate to thin what would have happened to me had I been a major or even a middling one.

Thursday, December 20, 2001 ********************************* What's happening today in Argentina happens with us every day with one difference however. Instead of rioting we either emigrate or join the ranks of the alienated majority. If you were to ask the rioters in Buenos Aires why they are rioting, they will reply: "The economy, stupid!" If you were to ask the Armenians who emigrate why they are emigrating, they will give you the same answer. But if you were to ask the alienated Armenians, you will probably get no answer. That's the way it is with the alienated: they are too alienated to explain the obvious. And on those very rare occasions when they take it upon themselves to explain (as I have been doing during the last two decades) they are verbally abused in several languages - Armenian, English, Turkish, and sometimes even in Arabic.

Wednesday, December 19, 2001 ********************************** Why is it that it is so difficult for some Armenians to disagree without being insolent? -- or, as we say in Armenian: a gosht, borodakhos, yev anpardavan sriga? And if you were to say, "Because you yourself are a rude sriga"; the obvious questions to be asked are: "Why can't you find yourself a better role model to emulate? Why choose me? Surely there must be far better men than myself out there -- beginning with your parents and schoolteachers? And if, none of them is worthy of emulation, why don't you take it upon yourself to introduce civility in our uncivilized environment? Why make things worse by contributing to our Ottomanism?"

18 December, 2001 /LATER ********************************* With us the ego comes first. The boss says I am the boss! The bishop says I represent God on earth, and the benefactor says I represent Das Kapital! As for writers and their ideas: the consensus is (and this is the only time we can speak of consensus in our context): The worst writer who is for us is infinitely superior to the best writers that is against us. To put it differently: Better a jackass who kisses ass than Plato or Socrates who refuses to kiss ass.

Tuesday, December 18, 2001 ********************************** The enemy is us. An often repeated clichИ that no longer even registers on our consciousness. Perhaps the function of a writer is to rephrase clichИs or to find in them new and unexpected meanings. And this is exactly what Russell does in the following quotation: "The beliefs that are held most firmly and most passionately are very often those for which there is least evidence. When one large body of men believes A, and another large body of men believes B, there is a tendency of each body to hate the other for believing anything so obviously absurd." (PORTRAITS FROM MEMORY & OTHER ESSAYS, page 167.) Which reminds me of another quotation I remember to have read somewhere: "Among fanatics, impartiality is seen as bias and moderation as betrayal."

LATER / 17 December, 2001 ************************************ 1. They will misunderstand you if understanding you means relinquishing their infallibility. 2. I remember to have read somewhere that to say you were wrong means saying you are wiser today than you were yesterday. Likewise, to refuse admitting infallibility is to say you were an arrogant fool yesterday, you are an arrogant fool today, and you intend to remain a damn fool all your life. And why? Because you value your ignorance more than someone else's knowledge. 3. Since our national mortality rate has been higher than most, we cover up that fact by bragging about our genius for survival. I call that ostrich patriotism. Perhaps what I have been trying to do is let our ostriches know that they are making asses of themselves with their posterior stuck out and their vision as well as thinking organ buried in the sand. 4. Prejudices are like prisons, and bigots who hate to give up their prejudices remind me of prisoners who prefer to live behind bars. 5. To how many of my critics (make it, hostile readers) I could say: "My brain against your intestines? I don't stand a chance."

Monday, December 17, 2001 ******************************* 1. When confronted with a difficult problem, ostriches bury their heads in the sand, we are told. Men are smarter: they don't bury their heads, they bury the problem even if it means burying themselves in the process. 2. Semantics rule the world. We say "genocide," they say "dispersion." I say "the enemy is us," they say the enemy is you." 3. All empires are warlike. There has never been a pacifist empire. A pacifist empire might as well be a contradiction in terms. A pacifist empire would cease being an empire before you can say Jack S. Avanakian. That's because an empire is like an attractive wench. Everyone wants a piece of the action and if she doesn't resist she becomes a woman with a past and no future, and in today's parlance, history. 4. I shall attain wisdom on the day I give up writing. But as long as I think by writing I can change things or anyone's mind I am condemned to remain an obstinate fool. 5. "You are a fool to write for Armenians," I am told once in a while by friends. I don't write for Armenians. I settle scores with those who brainwashed me and I expose those who are now busy brainwashing you, your children and your grandchildren - regardless of nationality. What could be more universal?

Saturday, December 15, 2001 *********************************** 1. Marx said other philosophers only tried to interpret the world; he was going to change it; but he was wise enough not to say "for the better"; he was even wiser when he said, "I am not a Marxist!" 2. The Armenian character or our collective unconscious has been shaped more by sultans than by Armenian literature; that's because, in Machiavelli's words, "fear never relaxes," whereas love of literature may well be an absent factor. In the ghetto I grew up I don't remember anyone quoting a single line by an Armenian poet. 3. Taking yourself seriously in an Armenian environment amounts to committing slow suicide. If you want to survive, learn to laugh, beginning at yourself. 4. We are not normal. It's impossible to be normal in an abnormal world especially if you happen to have an abnormal past. 5. I know many Armenian writers, but I know many more commissars of culture. You may now draw your own conclusions - please note that I said "conclusions" and not "confusions!" 6. Some of my readers are smart enough to tell the difference between a good writer and a bad one but not smart enough to ignore the bad - judging by the number of times I have been told I am bad.

Friday, December 14, 2001 ******************************** 1. It has been said that the world is divided into those who cast pearls and the┘others. I am not sure about that. There are times when the world looks to me more like a place where swine dish out regurgitated crap to other swine. Think of Germans under Hitler, Russians under Stalin, Iraqis under Saddam, Arabs under their assorted emirs, princes and mullahs┘and so on. It goes without saying that Armenians form an exception to this general rule. It could even be said that every Armenian is a pearl in search of swine. 2. "I paint with my prick," Renoir is quoted as having said. Some of my readers think with theirs. 3. Always be civil to a writer, especially if he happens to be an Armenian. You never know when he may choose to get even. I for one never read an Armenian I have insulted. An insulted Armenian is like a sword of Damocles and I already have a forest of yataghans hanging over me.

BIN THERE LADEN THAT ******************* Ara Yeretzian, a doctor from Chicago, has been publishing a series of critical articles in THE ARMENIAN REPORTER of New York. Judging by reader reaction √ from "This doctor needs medical help," to "Let the dog bark!" √ the good doctor appears to have hit paydirt. Armenian insults might as well be the best form of advertisement. If you are bad, they ignore you, as they should. But if you have something to say and that something does not jibe with their own favorite brand of recycled crap, be prepared to be verbally stoned and spat upon. An Armenian will never say "I am against dialogue," because that would be undemocratic and uncivilized. What he will do instead is insult you thus making sure you reciprocate his sentiments. Because the unspoken message in all insults is: "Why would anyone want to engage in an argument with a lowlife like me?" By silencing dissent, sultans and commissars asserted their infallibility. By insulting we achieve the same result even if in the process we make ourselves contemptible in the eyes of the world. You may take an Armenian out of the Ottoman Empire but you can't take the Ottoman Empire out of an Armenian.

LATER [12/13/01] *************************** 1. When I went into this business I made a commitment to be courteous to all my critics no matter how rude, ignorant, and fanatical. But I now know something I didn't know then: there are so many of them that it is much more practical to ignore the buggers. 2. It is said that a little learning is a dangerous thing. But having met several Armenian academics, I tend to think a lot of learning can be lethal. 3. I have heard some Armenians say we should forgive the Turks, but I have never heard an Armenian say we should forgive our fellow Armenians. 4. "He who seeking asses found a kingdom." When I first read this line in Milton's PARADISE REGAINED, I thought: So far many asses but not even the shadow of a miserable igloo. 5. To how many of my so-called patriotic readers I could say: "Dear friend, no matter how hard I try I can't take you seriously because your thoughts used to be mine when I was a brainwashed boy of nine."

Thursday, December 13, 2001 ********************************* In one of Russellss autobiographical books, written when he was eighty, I come across the following passage: "In the modern world, if communities are unhappy, it is because they choose to be so. Or, to speak more precisely, because they have ignorances, habits, beliefs, and passions, which are dearer to them than happiness or even life."* But according to our dime a dozen pundits, there is nothing wrong with our "habits, beliefs, and passions." As for our "ignorances": Impossible! Absurd!! Unheard of!!! We are, after all, a nation of experts on any given subject; so much so that, if you give us five minutes, we will solve any international problem you care to mention - from the Middle East to the United States, and from the Balkans to Patagonia. As for solving our own problems: we have none, of course. Our problems are not ours but someone else's: Turkish barbarism, the double-talk of the Great Powers, Yankee imperialism, Jewish villainy, and, if you talk to a partisan: the opposition. Which is where Russell comes in: We are unhappy, he tells us, because we have many problems. We have problems because we choose to have them. We choose to have them because we are infatuated with our own prejudices, fallacies, recycled chauvinist crap, and ignorance. And because we refuse to acknowledge this fact, we guarantee the survival of our problems even if their survival means our own extinction. *Bertrand Russell, PORTRAITS FROM MEMORY AND OTHER ESSAYS. London: George Allen & Unwin Ltd., 1956, page 54.

LATER (December 12, 2001) ********************************* It was Maimonides, a medieval Jewish philosopher, who said that for every wise man you meet, be prepared to deal with ten thousand fools, or words to that effect. He also said: "Astrology is a disease, not a science." A thousand years of progress and what do we have? For every astronomer today there are probably ten thousand astrologers and a hundred thousand fools who believe in them. It is the same in politics. Think of the millions of dupes who were taken in by the likes of Stalin and Hitler and completely ignored the voices of such dissidents as Thomas Mann, Solzhenitsyn and our own Zarian. If this be progress then it must be the progress of a disease.

Wednesday, December 12, 2001 ************************************ There are those who think by writing one or more articles in our weeklies they have made a valuable contribution to the solution of our problems. There are even those who think if they succeed in solving all our problems, the nation will be grateful to them. I thought so too when I was young, naОve and inexperienced √ in short, a dumb jerk. The truth is (and historic evidence is clear on this point) no power on earth, not even a messiah, can solve the problems of a nation that does not want to solve its problems. And if you are ever successful in solving all our problems, consider yourself lucky if they let you live.

ON SECOND THOUGHT **************************** Do I want to see my fellow Armenians united? Hell no! People are seldom united for a good cause or reason. What is politics if not organized hatred? At the turn of the century the Turks were united against us. Today we are united (more or less, of course) against them. The Germans were united against the Jews; the Russians against bourgeois decadence; and the Muslims are united today (more or less, of course, as all tribal people tend to be when it comes to consensus) against Israel and all its supporters. Even when hatred succeeds in destroying the enemy, it invariably ends up destroying itself. Call me anything you want but not a frustrated despot who wants to unite his people against a common enemy. What I really want instead is to see my fellow Armenians as worthy citizens of the world who make positive contributions to their respective communities and the world at large (yes, including Turkey). Call me a dreamer or a daydreamer or even a utopian mental masturbator! After being called a son of a whore and a preacher, anything else is bound to be an improvement.

LATER [11 December, 2001] ********************************** When as a boy I became interested in literature and spent endless hours in the company of books, I was warned against a literary career. "You'll starve!" they said. Not me, I thought. I wasn't going to be one of those mediocre vodanavorjis who deserve to be starved anyway. (Please, remember that I was brought up in an Ottoman environment among survivors of the Genocide most of whom not only spoke in Turkish but also thought and felt in Turkish). I dismissed their warnings as alarmist. I was going to be different. I was going to be better. Nobody ever told me that among Armenians the better you are the harder they starve you.

Tuesday, December 11, 2001 ********************************* An Oriental carpet dealer has a higher opinion of his fellow Armenians than a poet because the average Armenian spends a hundred times, perhaps even a thousand times, more money on rugs than on books. For a carpet dealer to have a low opinion of his fellow Armenians would amount to biting the posterior of the goose that lays the golden egg. The same applies to fund-raisers, some of whom, according to an insider (himself a former fund-raiser) make as much as $100,000 (a hundred thousand) a year √ which probably exceeds the combined lifetime income of all 20th-century Armenian writers. This may explain why I find the patriotism of fund-raisers and Oriental carpet dealers slightly suspect. But then, I am not the type who looks up to people with fat bellies, especially when they preach idealism, self-sacrifice and dedication to me.

LATER THE SAME DAY [12/10/01 2:13 PM] ******************************************** 1. Writing for Armenians is like preaching vegetarianism to an audience of cannibals. If you come out of it alive you should consider yourself the luckiest man on earth. 2. My best allies are the colossal egos of my enemies. 3. We talk too much about God and Country and not enough about honesty. It should be the other way around. Only then may we count on God's cooperation. 4. Among Armenians, if you don't know somebody who knows somebody you might as well resign to your present status as a nobody. 5. If you haven't read the writers who were killed by Talaat and Stalin or silenced by our partisans in the Diaspora, on whose side are you? 6. To how many of my fellow Armenians I could say: Recover your humanity, you have nothing to lose but your Ottomanism. 7. The main purpose of an Armenian political platform is to organize hatred: hatred for the Turks and, above all, hatred for the opposition. The rest is mumbo jumbo. 8. With enough checks and balances even a mediocrity may behave like a statesman. Without checks and balance even the greatest statesman may behave like a serial killer. 9. I think it was Verdi who once observed that sometimes your enemies are a better source of publicity than your friends,

Monday, December 10, 2001 ******************************** 1. A disgruntled reader in the Ottoman Empire or the USSR could easily silence a writer by denouncing him to the police. All those who miss the good old days, please raise your right hand! 2. Armenian justice in the Middle, I am told, was more akin to its Ottoman and Soviet variants. Which leads me to conclude that the criticism of fanatics has nothing to do with criticism: rather, it is more akin to assassination by other means. 3. Never criticize a people that has experienced massacre. They will tear you to shreds to prove you wrong and themselves right. 4. The justice of victims can be as ruthless as the justice of victimizers. 5. Russian proverb: "Dwell on the past and you will lose an eye. Ignore the past and you will lose both of them."