Relationships(2)

[ED]

Changes Armenian Women would like to see in Armenian Men

 

The Armenian women (from here on generally ‘women’) spoke passionately of the need for Armenian men (from here on ‘men’) to review their role as soul mates, within their family and even within the community. The issues that the women raised is given by a numeral plus the letter ‘W.’ The response and the points made to a related issue by the men is given in the next section with the same numeral plus the letter ‘M.’

 

1W. “Armenian men need to see the women as equal ‘partners’ in important decisions that affect the whole family,” said a young pharmacist. A few stated that: “Some Armenian men think that just because they are the ‘head’ of the household, they have a free reign in all decisions.” It was interesting that the women with biblical insight recognized that the root of such one-sided decision-making by the male is not supported by the teachings of the Bible.

 

2W. “The ‘traditional approach’ to marriage advocated by some men places a great deal of pressure on us to care for his next-of-kin, which takes away from the focus on our relationship and family,” said a schoolteacher. It is an Armenian tradition where the parents tend to live with their son. This places a significant pressure on the son’s wife (hars). Not only is there the normal communication issues between wife and in-laws, but also the additional pressure of caring for the in-laws as they grow older. This was most burdensome for the women who also worked outside of the home.

 

3W. “Armenian men leave all the family’s home chores up to us,” was a very common statement. Many pointed out that the men in the dominant US culture seem to be more supportive and participating in everything from child-raising to tasks around the house, in comparison to the Armenian men. Again, the women who have to work outside the home are most sensitive to this issue.

 

4W. “Marriage is a journey that must be taken together. Men and women must fall in love and continue to maintain that loving relationship,” a divorced woman explained. In general, it was the women’s view that once Armenian men marry, it seems that they no longer have the need to maintain and build upon their relationship. They no longer make an effort and show compassion and caring as they did prior to marriage.

 

5W. “Men do not like talking about issues that are important to them; they hold-in their feelings and anxieties,” said a mother of three. Armenian men are viewed by the women as less able and versed in discussing feelings than men of the dominant US culture.

 

6W. “Everything seems to be black or white, agree or disagree, my way or yours!” observed a young woman in a frustrated tone. “When disagreements or arguments arise, Armenian men are not likely to discuss the issues in a reconciling and cooperative manner” added another. (Frankly the discussion on this subject did not progress very far. Some became very emotional while others spoke in terms of absolutes: “This is how it is and it won’t change!”)

 

7W. This point can be summarized by the comment of one person: “Armenian men don’t know what they want so they ask for everything from us. On the one hand they want us to be ‘graceful’ (shnorhalee) and act ‘dignified’ (badvov) as ‘an Armenian woman should.’ But at the same time they expect us to be flirting and acting ‘modern’ as some dominant culture women do. This puts us in a double jeopardy: If we act ‘traditional’ then we are considered backward, too dependent and not progressed enough. On the other hand, if we act more open and forward, then we are considered not ‘dignified’ and ‘graceful’ as women. This is totally unrealistic and confusing!”

 

8W. “Men don’t seem to realize that the women want some challenges in life outside of the home which they can call ‘their own’” stated both married as well as single women. A professional woman put it this way: “It is OK to be at home and take care of the family. But today we are educated and exposed to numerous cultural, educational and career opportunities. We cannot be ‘caged up’ physically, emotionally or mentally and told “you can’t go here or there by yourself!” After all, this is the twenty first century!”