Azat Posted April 14, 2003 Report Share Posted April 14, 2003 The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world: ------------------------------------------------ While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,! when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" ------------------------------------------------ The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth." ------------------------------------------------ A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." ------------------------------------------------ It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle." ------------------------------------------------ Unknown aircraft:! "I'm f**king bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid!" ------------------------------------------------ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ------------------------------------------------ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206": Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206: (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop." ------------------------------------------------ O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound! ." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight." ------------------------------------------------ A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "What is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" ------------------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nané Posted April 15, 2003 Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 Ha ha ha ha ha ... these really made me laugh and nobody had managed to do that today ... thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted April 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 hmmmm, that's exacly what most women say when they see me naked. oh never mind. I just feel like an idiot today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nané Posted April 15, 2003 Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 hmmmm, that's exacly what most women say when they see me naked. oh never mind. I just feel like an idiot today. haha ... "life as you feel" i just found this in my archives Class Assignment The teacher had given the class an assigment. He stressesd the importance of this assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teachers responds with, "Well, then I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted April 15, 2003 Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 hmmmm, that's exacly what most women say when they see me naked.Ahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahha hhahah hahahaha It's funny cause it's probably true. Well, then I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand! "write"? what's that? That must be some really really old archive you got there!!!! But amazingly enough, the joke still works if you replace "write" with "type" Very funny!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted April 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 Ha ha ha ha ha ... these really made me laugh and nobody had managed to do that today ... thank you Sip, for your information I was talking about the part that is bold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted April 15, 2003 Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 Y'ALL need time out for a spankin' for bein' too funny!!! and Azat! i bet the ladies laugh because of your wonderful sense of humor! ~~~~otherwise, you'd never reveal that kind of thing to us! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted April 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 Jesssssuuuuuusss, I was not revealing anything. It was a joke, and women do not laugh but they have the expression of "shock and awe". I just wanted to set that straight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyebruin Posted April 15, 2003 Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 sorry! azat! was only pulling your leg! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azat Posted April 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 No need to be sorry or sad. I am joking as well. I don't know what it is, but I just feel like a total idiot today. All I want to do is joke around. I actually am sorry that you did not get my joke about Shock and Awe. I thought that was very funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sip Posted April 15, 2003 Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 ... I actually am sorry that you did not get my joke about Shock and Awe. I thought that was very funny."Shock and Awe"? ... Yah they get shocked and then they say "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe ... that's ok ... it doesn't really matter ... really ... come on don't cry ... that's a good boy ... there there ok now ... don't we feel better?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Accelerated Posted April 15, 2003 Report Share Posted April 15, 2003 hahaha - Sips become a chain smoker - gonna get lung cancer by tommorow at this rate, better cut back a bit PS. Too good Azat - keep em comin! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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