Mens rules...our version..

[Azat]

Men always hear "the rules" from the women's side. Now here are the rules from the men's side.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

 

2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

 

3. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

5. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 

6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

 

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

9. Check your oil! Please.

 

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

 

12. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

 

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. .

 

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

15. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we.

 

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

 

17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is.

 

18. If it itches, it will be scratched.

 

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

 

21. You have enough clothes.

 

22. You have too many shoes.

 

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway).

 

24. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

 

25. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

 

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Sip]

Azat jan, since you started this, I have to post this few short pointers a friend gave me today that I thought were VERY funny.

 

[*]Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffering.

[*]Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[*]Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

(I appologize for that last one but it REALLY made me laugh)

[Azat]

At the expanse of being hated by all the women on this forum.

-------

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

----------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

----------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

----------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

----------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

----------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

----------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

--------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

----------------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

---------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

----------------------------------------

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

----------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor

Man has rested.

------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

----------------------------------------

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

----------------------------------------

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

----------------------------------------

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:

Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

----------------------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

----------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Sip]

You know for a second I thought William Saroyan had also contributed to your post.

 

Just hope none of the non-male types see this thread ... and if they do, don't look at me because I'd be the first one to :outahere:

 

---

EDIT: Azat had a Saroyan signature quote back then. --Sip.

 

[ December 01, 2002, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: Sip ]

[ES]

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

 

*LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.

*LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.

*MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

 

*LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.

*LUST - all other times.

*MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?

 

*LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.

*LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.

*MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.

 

*LOVE - when you share everything you own.

*LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.

*MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.

 

*LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

*LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.

*MARRIAGE - what's a climax?

 

*LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".

*LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.

*MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

 

*LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.

*LUST - when all you write is your phone number.

*MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques.

 

*LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.

*LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.

*MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.

 

*LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".

*LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".

*MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.

 

*LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them.

*LUST - when your groin twitches everytime you see them.

*MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties everytime you see them.

 

*LOVE - when nobody else matters.

*LUST - when nobody else knows.

*MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

 

*LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

*LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.

*MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.

 

*LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.

*LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.

*MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.

 

*LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.

*LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.

*MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

[Rubo]

I guess this one is for the horny ones...Azat?Sip?Harut?

 

Her u tgha anapatov sovats tsarav gnum en, her@ asuma "tgas dematsners inch ga pete utenk". Mekel dematsits motenuma me hat bikini ov geghetsik agchik. tgen asuma

"huh pap utenk"

che tges eran ktanenk mamain kutenk.

 

Mamanerin nereghutiun

[Azat]

Yaaaaaaa, Rubo jan, es inchu es im anun@ grel Horny Haruti yev Horny Sip mot?

[Rubo]

Azat I hope you are not a Bush fan

 

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

 

What do Armenians call a Stupid President?

 

Abush

 

I guess I am releasing some tension since I am totally OD on 9/11. Please guys don’t turn the tube on, it will bite you!

[Sip]

Yah, I guess Azat, Harut, and I do qualify as "Men" Very funny stuff Ruben

[Sip]

Oh oh ... ES, after reading all that, I think I may be married already and didn't even know it

[Sip]

Fifteen Things to do at Wal-Mart (or Kmart or substitue whatever is the name of the store in your part of the world ) while your wife/partner/significant other is taking her sweet time:

 

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,'Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'. And last but not least,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ...'Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

My favorite is #15!

[Rubo]

Sip jan chai kar zserkis u shat tsisakheluts tapetse vras! Man I should sue you for second degree burns. Don’t you know you can really kill someone with jokes? Hilarious staff! now I need that band aid SEADDDDAAAAAA

[Sip]

Vaxhenali bane en a vor yes #11 u #12 arel em! Pidi #15 e anpayman pordzem

[Sip]

Men never win:

 

The deck is stacked against men. Here's why:

 

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

 

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

 

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

 

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

 

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

 

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

 

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

 

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

 

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

 

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

 

If you cry, you're a wimp.

 

If you don't, you're insensitive.

 

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

 

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

 

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,that's domination.

 

If she asks you, it's a favor.

 

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

 

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

 

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.

 

If you aren't, you're not ambitious.

 

If she has a headache, she's tired.

 

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

[Azat]

I know I am going to get my butt kicked by all the ladies on this forum.

 

This is from Home Economics high school text book, 1954

How To Be A Good Wife

 

 

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

 

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

 

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

 

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

 

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

 

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

 

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

 

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

 

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

[Sip]

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Not THAT

 

What kind of subliminal messages were they sending kids those days!

[nairi]

No wonder men run away from me. Thanks for the tips Azat.

[Sip]

Warning for MEN only

 

Some sad news about beer today: You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.

 

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

 

To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, and refused to apologize when wrong.

 

No further testing is planned.

[Mher]

vay Seaphan tip@t chktrvi ha ))

es inch tuyner lsi

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool:rolling:

[Sip]

Glad you liked that one Mher

 

Here's another one for men only

 

There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one:

"You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" says the second one.

"Well last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh."

"I know what you mean.", says the second guy.

"Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the the jelly but instead I said 'You're ruining my life you stupid b*tch!''

[Sip]

http://zr2.cs.ucla.edu/hf/tech_women.jpg

 

Caption: "Women and Technology"

[Accelerated]

LOL - at the caption

 

As for the beer study, its actually TRUE. Beer increases the levels of estregen (female hormone (testostorone for males)), I cant remmember how - it either contains enstregen (not likelly) or stimulates the production of it in the body. But one would have to be a heavy beer drinker to actually see changes.

[hyebruin]

oh my God! I've actually done that !!!

[MosJan]

DZEZANIST QANISN EN AMUSNATSATS ???

[MosJan]

"when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care" hkla mi duq psakveq tesnem