Politically Correct Statements for the New Century

[Azat]

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

 

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

 

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

 

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

 

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

 

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

 

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

 

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

 

AND FOR STUDENTS...

 

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

 

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

 

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

 

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

 

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

 

Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

 

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

 

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

 

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

 

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

[Sip]

... and ... my favorite ... dead people aren't deceased, they are just metaphysically challenged

[Azat]

PC Women

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She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT