George Carlin Says

[Azat]

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity ... Also for those of us that are old enough to know and appreciate George Carlin, a few of his ponderings...

 

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

 

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

 

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

 

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

 

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

11. Is there another word for synonym?

 

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

 

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

 

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

 

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

 

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

 

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

 

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

 

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

 

30. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

 

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

 

32. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

 

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

 

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

 

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

 

38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

 

39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

 

40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

[MosJan]

This was good, you made my daye

I feell gooodddddddddddddddddd

now back to work

[Azat]

Couple of more Carlin jokes and one liners.

 

The George Carlin Theory About Life:

 

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus?

 

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm."

 

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you still move you lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy and entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take and Oriental person and spin them around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it is hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

The Chinese have a saying: on a journey of 1000 miles, 512 is a little over a half

 

Isn't it funny that all those women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to **** anyway?

 

The status quo always sucks

 

There is now a Starbucks in my pants

 

Next time they give you that civic BS about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

 

If you haven't gotten to where you're going, you aren't there yet

 

Name 5 ways that we are better than chickens ................... see, nobody can. You know why, because chickens are decent people. When was the last time you heard of a chicken going home and beating the shit out of his hen. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs...because chickens are decent people

 

You know what the whole point of life is? Not dying.