Jokes

[Nané]

Do You Know

 

A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[Nané]

Drug Store

 

A man walks into a drug store and asks the cashier for some "protectors."

 

The cashier says "Got a good one?"

 

"Yup, hot date tonight!" the man replies.

 

A little while latter the man goes to his girlfriends house and they sit down to eat dinner with her parents. They ask him to say grace. So he prays and prays and prays.

 

The girl says to him "I didn't know that you were so religous!"

 

The man says "I didn't know your father worked at a drugstore!"

[Nané]

Drunk and Confused

 

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A Cop on the beat sees him, and approaches,

"Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The Cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" "It wassss at the end of thisss key!" the man replies. About that time the Officer looks down

to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all he world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans

"OHHH GOD.....they got my girlfriend too!!!"

[Nané]

Drunk Driver

 

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either, I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk!"

[Nané]

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

 

 

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.

 

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there was something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

 

"I can't piss out of it."

[dragon]

Ha, ha, ha!

 

Very funny Sulamita!

 

I read all the jokes you posted and laughed till death (thank God I have no ''luagh desease'')

 

Dragon

[Nané]

I am glad you enjoyed them Here's some more ...

Fitness


^^* My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

^^* The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear some heavy breathing again.

^^* I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

^^* I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

^^* I don't exercise at all. If we were supposed to touch our toes, they'd be further up our body.

^^* I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

^^* I have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.

^^* The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.

^^* If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

^^* I don't jog.....it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[Nané]

Give Up Half Your Sex Life

 

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !" The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

 

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur.

"Do you smoke ? Do you drink in excess?"

"No" replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life ".

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING????

[Nané]

Good Bye Daddy

 

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

 

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

 

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

 

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

 

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled

"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

 

Great Salesman

 

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area - you could get anything there. The boss asked him,

"Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

 

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably

need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

 

"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

[MJ]

NEW LANGUAGE

-Submitted by PATRICIA L GOONETILLEKE

 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

 

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

 

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

[MJ]

"No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize Dragons."

[dragon]

You're right! So don't try!

 

--------------------------

 

Dragon

[MJ]

If they cannot be baptized, they will be put in a cage.

[MJ]

I was aware that there was no Dragon left. However, the number of Lizards, calling themselves Dragon, is immense. And among them there are some, which use a magnifying mirror to visualize their own image.

[dragon]

Cage? for DRAGONs? you must be kidding! O, no, may be you are mixing between toys and real ones... or you have on your mind the skeleton of hand made dragons, presented in museums.

 

For your information, there is no Dragon left...I'm the last ''mohegan''. Try to catch me...you might become a billionaire

 

Dragon

[MJ]

A TOAST

 

Here's to the women who love me terribly,

May they soon improve.

 

 

The Toughest Mouse

 

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

 

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey, throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

 

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

[MJ]

What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

Getting her back in the wheelchair!

 

PUNISHMENT

 

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a Bondage S&M magazine.

 

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

 

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

 

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[MJ]

A TOAST

 

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!"

 

 

THREE PINTS

 

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

 

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

 

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine. I'VE just quit drinking."

[MJ]

HOT FOR TEACHER

 

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

 

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

 

"I just saw both of your garters!"

 

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

 

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

 

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[MJ]

A HELPING HAND

 

One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

 

However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home?

 

The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

 

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

 

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"

 

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time"

 

The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

 

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

 

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

--Submitted by Bill Watson, Pinehurst, NC

[MJ]

NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

 

With sorryyyyy being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

 

Here are a few of the new ones:

 

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

 

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

 

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

 

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

 

NEGA-sorryyyyy - Has the exact opposite effect of sorryyyyy. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

 

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

 

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

 

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on sorryyyyy.

 

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

 

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

[MJ]

THE TIP

 

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight

when Grandpa found a bottle of sorryyyyy in his son's

medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one

of the pills and the son said, "I don't think you

should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

 

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

 

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

 

"I don't care" said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and

I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I

break this $50.00 bill."

 

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his

pillow.

 

He said to Grandpa "I told you each pill was $10.00,

not $110.00."

 

"I know" said Grandpa, the extra hundred is from

Grandma."

[dragon]

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Ugandan scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

 

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, Tanzanian scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the DAR newspapers read:

"Tanzanian scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Ugandans.

One week later, the Kenyan press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Kenyan scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using

mobile phones."

[MosJan]

Abu el-Abed Holidays

Abu el-Abed tells Abu Steif, "Ya know, I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Rome so I went to Rome and Um el-Abed got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to London, and Um el-Abed got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Paris, and Um el-Abed got pregnant again...

Now we have Abed, Omar and Zeinab..."

Abu Steif replies, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Abu el-Abed replies: "This year I'm taking Um el-Abed with me."

[MosJan]

The Blonde And The Cute Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said: "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"