Jokes

[Guest]

Arabs & the Israeli

 

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[Guest]

peeing in cokes

[MJ]

List of Short Books

 

1) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman

2) Career Opportunities for History Majors

3) Detroit - A Travel Guide

4) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

5) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

6) Easy UNIX

7) Everything Men Know About Women

8) French Hospitality

9) Bob Dole: The Wild Years

10) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel

11) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

12) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

13) Popular Lawyers

14) The Amish Phone Book

[Kazza]

[MJ]

INTO THE LIGHT

 

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

 

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

 

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

 

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[MJ]

SOUL SEARCHING

 

A drunken fisherman stumbled upon a baptisimal service at the river where he fished and walked out in the water to where the minister stood.

The minister turned to the drunk and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus ?"

 

The drunk looks at the preacher and says, "Ya Rev, I sure am."

 

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water, pulls him up asking, "Have you found Jesus ?"

 

The drunk replies, "No."

 

So the preacher dunks him a bit longer, pulls him up and again asks, "Did you find Jesus ?

 

To the drunks reply of No, the minister gets disgusted, pushes the man under the water for about 30 seconds, pulls him up and asks in a harsh voice, "Now, my good man, have you found Jesus yet ?"

 

The old fisherman wipes his eyes, spits out some water and says to the minister, " NO, and are you sure this is where he fell in ?"

[MJ]

DIVORCE WHISPERER

submitted by Frankie Johnstone

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

 

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[MJ]

Three barn builders, one from North Dakota, one from Illinois and one from

New York, were at a convention. On the flight home, their plane crashed and

they found themselves at the Pearly Gates. When St. Peter found out what

they did for a living he was overjoyed.

 

"You fellows are just in time," he said. "Heaven needs some repairs our

stairway is a little rickety and we could use some new cloud-launching

ramps. Why don't each of you give me a bid on what it would cost."

 

The first contractor, from North Dakota, said it would cost $3,000 for the

job. St. Peter asked him to break down the figures so he could understand

them.

 

The North Dakotan said $1,000 was for labor, $1,000 for materials and $1,000

for overhead and profit.

 

The Illinois contractor's bid was $6,000, with the same breakdown divided

into $2,000 chunks.

 

The contractor from New York turned in his bid. It was for $9,000. St.

Peter said it seemed high compared with the others and wanted to know how

the Big Apple builder hot his figures.

 

"It's easy, St. Peter," he said "It comes out to $3.000 for you, $3,000 for

me, and we hire the guy from North Dakota $3,000 to get the job done.

 

 

_______________________________________

Got any good FarmJokes? Send em to me! Ranchhand@Farmjokes.com _______________________________________

Question (MJ): What was the ethnic background of the New Yorker?

[Pilafhead]

Farm jokes, Martin???



Either Italian or Armenian. In either case:

[Pilafhead]

To Armenian cannibal men are sitting by the fire, eating dinner and having good conversation. One says to the other, "You know Ara, I'm really beginning to hate my wife." So the other says, "Well then, just eat the pilav."

[MJ]

Yeah. Now iI am on their mailing list.

[Kazza]

Thanks, Pilafhead! Now I know what to do of some one really pisses me off. i'll them a couple of poilte warnings, be patient, than if they carry on serve em' up for dinner to the well-to-do armo guests. Just pretend not to hear if they ask what meat it is or why it tastes rubbery.

[Pilafhead]

Ever see The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover???

 

BTW, that was your official satanic post: #666.

[levonyeshilian]

Another short book:

History of Turkish Democracy

 

And one for who likes SOUTHPARK:

''My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa'' -Eric Cartman-

[Nané]

At The Bank

 

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies,

"I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account. Right now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this b-i-t-c-h is giving you a hard time?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

 

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

 

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

 

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

 

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

 

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

 

[ March 08, 2001: Message edited by: Sulamita ]

[Nané]

Careful what you wish for...

 

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle. He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes.

 

When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

 

"Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells. He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

 

First, they beat the shit out of him, then they tar and feather him. They take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off.

 

It turns out they are the Genies. The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a black guy?"

[Nané]

Big Trouble

 

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their  two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

 

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boy, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first.

 

The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

 

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himelf in his closet.

 

His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[Nané]

Blind Man

 

These three blondes joined a nudist camp. Upon arriving at the lobby of the main lodge they saw a sign telling them to disrobe. After they were nude, they heard a knock at the front door. Then they said, "who is it?"

 

"It's the blind man."

 

"It's a blind man so he can't see us!" said the girls. So they opened the door.

 

Then a man walked in and said, "Hey lady, nice breast, now where should I put up these blinds?"

[Nané]

Class Assignment

 

The teacher had given the class an assigment.  He stresses the importance of this assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

 

A smart-ass student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

 

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teachers responds with, "Well, then I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand!"

[Nané]

Cowboy

 

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was.

 

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down

next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

 

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[MJ]

THE GIFT OF LIFE

submitted by Amber Tozer

 

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

 

The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."

 

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

 

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."

 

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

 

AND THAT'S WHY....

In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

[MJ]

DatingFaces.com Presents:

WEEKEND FUNNIES

submitted by Joke-of-the-Day Members

 

STEEPLE CHASTE

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

 

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

 

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

 

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

 

THIS IS A STUPID JOKE

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

 

BIRD IN A KILTED CAGE

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

 

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

 

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

[MJ]

Today's Joke

Q: How do you know that Calista Flockhart doesn't exist?

A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds!

 

 

GLASS OF WATER

 

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later he screamed, "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

 

"No, you had your chance."

 

Five minutes later he screamed, "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

 

"No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you."

 

"Dad!! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?"

 

 

ADAM'S RIB

 

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

 

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg."

 

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history...

 

Teen-Jokes.com

[Azat]

Kind of dumb, but still funny.

 

-------

4 letter words.

 

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

 

'Well, darling,' said her mom, 'how was the honeymoon?'.

 

'Oh, mother,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible 4-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mother!'

 

And the new bride began to sob, over the telephone.

 

'But honey,' the mother countered, 'what 4-letter words?'.

 

'I cant tell you mother,' said the daughter, 'they're too awful! come get me, please!'

 

'Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell mother the 4-letter words!'

 

Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Mother words like DUST WASH IRON COOK

[Nané]

Did you Cheat?

 

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of transportation you get. You have to have a ride in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

 

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

 

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's you a Pinto to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's you a Lincoln."

 

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you a Jaguar!"

 

A little while later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto seen the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just seen my wife, she was on a skateboard!"