Brother's Place In Armenian Families

[kakachik77]

Brothers' place is not to rule sisters

 

Glendale News Press

March 05, 2005

 

WRITING THE RIGHT

Brothers' place is not to rule sisters

ANI AMIRKHANIAN

 

When I was child, my brother and I had a typical sibling relationship. Our

days consisted of peaceful harmony and then turned to rivalry that would end

with one of us yelling and the other raising fists of fury in defense.

My brother had the advantage of being bigger and taller, not to mention

older, while I had the advantage of being the younger sibling, which

sometimes meant I could "get away" with things. As the older sibling, my

parents believed he needed to set the example.

But as we matured, the dynamic of our relationship changed. No longer did we

fight, although there was the occasional bickering or insult. We became

friends and stayed more in our neutral corners.

There was one thing, though, the older we became: We never got involved in

each other's business and drew a line when it came to meddling into each

other's lives.

In my family, our relationship had its boundaries. But today, more and more

brothers seem to play a different kind of role in Armenian families.

Traditionally, an older brother has been the one to "protect" the younger

siblings, especially the sister, and is the sibling the younger kids can

look up to.

But in some Armenian families, brothers are more of an authority figure and

seem to play the role of a parent.

I have known Armenian families that have relied on their brother or even

sister to be the breadwinner and provider because a parent has been

unavailable. It is most commendable for a sibling to be the head of a

household and play the role of a parent to a certain extent.

But what is most striking is that many Armenian parents permit their sons to

be like watchdogs and even disciplinarians when it comes to their younger

siblings, especially their sisters. Brothers are especially responsible for

making sure their sisters are not taken advantage of or harmed by the

opposite sex in any way.

Of the many young Armenian siblings I have met, I have come to the

conclusion that brothers make it their job to question their sister's

actions and make it a priority to look out for anyone who may have the

"wrong idea" about their younger, vulnerable sister.

A young woman I know named Maria has a brother who is more like her parent

than her brother. Maria's brother is actually several months younger than

her. He has the authority from his parents to "keep an eye out" and

"discipline" her.

Maria one time mentioned she wanted to go on a casual coffee date with a

young man her age, but was worried her brother would find out and

disapprove.

"My brother wants to know whom I'm going out with and what they are like,"

she said.

Several weeks later, I spoke to her brother, who said it's important to him

to have a close friendship with his sister. He can establish a comfort level

with his sister, who can in turn tell him everything he needs to know.

Then I found out that his parents have asked him to look out for his sister

and do what he thinks is right to protect her.

"I will always look out for her, but if I need to have her come clean ..."

he said, motioning with his hand, waving it back and forth, as if pretending

to slap her face.

His remark and gesture took me by surprise, and I wondered how Maria felt

about her situation. I couldn't help but think she felt threatened by her

own brother. (If my brother ever gestured with his hand as if to say, "Watch

out or else you will be punished," I would interpret it literally and

consider it as a threat.)

Another young Armenian brother I spoke to one time said he was also

responsible for looking out for his two older sisters, both of whom are

college students.

"My sisters tell me everything. I told them not to keep anything from me,"

he said.

Based on my conversations with the youth, I came to a second conclusion

about brothers.

That being, if a young man is seeking their sisters' attention and is

assertive in doing so, then the brother steps in, even without his sister's

request. He then becomes a hurdle the young man needs to go over to win his

sister, and chances are he will not be successful. There is no doubt that in

many Armenian families, a brother plays multiple roles. There are often no

boundaries set that distinguish his role from that of his parents. The

parent and child roles are reversed in some cases.

It is hard for me to accept the fact that in some families, the brother is

put in charge of disciplining the sister if her actions are not perceived to

be appropriate by him.

As patriarchal as the Armenian culture is, this seems over the top and

unjust to Armenian women who have accepted their roles as sisters and

daughters. If I may say, in defense of my own gender, I think that this

particular role-play in the Armenian family suppresses women even more.

When do young women take charge of their own lives without having any men,

let alone their brothers, step in?

[kakachik77]

I read this article with mixed feelings. While I don't think it's generally true, I have noticed this trend more with Armenians from Armenia, again not with every family though. Any comments???

[Maral]

I can't understand why a parent would put such a burden on a child.

Instead of concentrating on their school,work,social life,these poor boys have to 'watch' out for their sister...and then we wonder why they grow up to be thugs,or bad husbands....

Having a brother discipline a sister in place of the parent...

I think the problem here lies with the inadequacy of the parents.

[kakachik77]

of course I agree there is some sort of lack of parental guidance over their own kids... to me the problem though was in the general truthfulness of such a phenomenon in the Armenian community and for such a need to address and thus represent the Armenian culture in such a way in an English language mainstream publication.

[Maral]

of course I agree there is some sort of lack of parental guidance over their own kids... to me the problem though was in the general truthfulness of such a phenomenon in the Armenian community and for such a need to address and thus represent the Armenian culture in such a way in an English language mainstream publication.

style_images/master/snapback.png

ah ok,I thought you meant about the issue,but you meant just the fact that the article exists...my bad

[Anoushik]

I have never had this problem and don't understand how young Armenian women can tolerate this. My brother and I teased each other badly to our late teens and now the occasional fight that we have deals with politics. We actually understand each other very well now

 

About this phenomenon in the Armenian community: I have heard about it but I don't personally know any such Armenian families (I admit, I don't acquaint many Armenians nowadays). In high school it was apparent that Armenian guys had started to see themselves to be superior to Armenian girls and felt that it was their duty to look out for their Armenian friends, girlfriends, sisters, cousins, etc. My second cousin (with whom I had no close relationship whatsoever) pulled this on me when he started high school. He was a year and a half younger than me but looked older because he was tall and strong build. A couple of times he indicated that he'd look after me if someone tried to "get close" to me

[nairi]

Here you go:

 

http://hyeforum.com/index.php?showtopic=40...indpost&p=29882

[kakachik77]

Dear Nairi, thanks for posting but as you so it was one confused/extremist individual bs-ing and he was confronted with not just Armenian women but mostly all other Armenian men on that forum. I got the feeling he had a lot personal issues to overcome.