Sevook

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day Cuddles, the poodle, started chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovered she was lost. Wandering about, she noticed a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thought, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep human doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settled down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the old poodle exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror came over him and he skulked away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he went, but the old poodle had seen him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something not good must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard and, sure enough, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that coniving canine!" Now, the old poodle saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" but with no time for running, the dog sat down with her back to her attackers and pretended she hadn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle said out loud, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

EDITED FOR LANGUAGE ... Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's thingy, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds. She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman". "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?". "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied. "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went 'bang, bang, bang,' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor said, "My point exactly".

Old Genie - New Twist......... Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer-- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable." The American engineer says -- "Fill it with water."

Okay Edward....That doesn't help me edit the post. lol

Sorry...I'll delete the last post... MosJan, I can't edit the post. Can you do it or delete it...It only allows me to edit the last post I make...And sorry about it.

I tried editing these as much as I could. I apoligize if some may affect some of you. > * A man is dying of cancer. > His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're > dying of AIDS??". > Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to > get with your mother." > ---------------------------------------------------- > * YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was > raped. > TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the > park! > ----------------------------------------------------- > * Question: "what's the similarity > between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who > satisfies his > wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?" > Answer: "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND" > ---------------------

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that She is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today

Subject: ...Priceless! Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's ChristmasParty. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste likealcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack hadto force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a coupleof aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,I'm married!" Broken Coffee Table $39.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins .38 Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless!!!

Thank you Maral... Like your jokes... To tell you the truth I was waiting for you to post what you posted. lol Here's another one for you. THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL > >Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened >to end up in a man's head. > >She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. > >"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a >little louder, but still no answer. > >Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at >the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" > >Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away.... "We're down here

Thank you. Glad I found it.

Thanks...

A blonde was driving home from work and got caught in a really bad hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her room mate, another blonde came home and said, "what are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repair man had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The room mate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello!! you need to roll up the windows first".

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy." The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy." Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window, and make 56 million people really happy!"

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real... http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

HAD IT ALL... ... A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

Super Bowl Seat A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?" Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, The best golfer is a black guy, The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war and, The three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon". "Need I say more?"

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below .. GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

The Blonde Year In Review January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years." April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition,complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C " October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel. November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

TOP 5 SMART A$$ ANSWERS FOR 2005. according to Reader's Digest: Smart A$$ Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket; instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, ³Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." Smart A$$ Answer #4: A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead. Smart A$$ Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window "I've been ! waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Smart A$$ Answer #2: ! A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." AND NOW FOR THE BEST ONE -- #1 SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

------------------------- Christmas Party ------------------------- FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1 October 2005 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ........ feel free to sing along! And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty ************* FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 2 October 2005 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty *************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 3 October 2005 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table................. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives believe $10 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty **************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 4 October 2005 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty *************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All ****ing Employees DATE: 5 October 2005 RE: The ****ing Holiday Party Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die. The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ********************** FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6 October 2005 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.