Baronian, Hoshosi Dzatetr@

[Arpa]

HOSHOSI DZERATETR@: ÐàêÐàêÆ Òºè²îºîðÀ

The Handbook of Here and There

By Hakob Baronian

It is best to read his own introduction to undersatnd it better.

ä³ñáÝÝ»ñ, ³Ûë í»ñݳ·ÇñÁ ϳñ¹³Éáí ãϳñÍ¿ù ÿ ëݳÝϳó³Í í³×³é³Ï³Ý Ù°»Ù »õ Ïáõ ·³Ù ѳßÇõÝ»ñë ѳë³ñ³Ïáõû³Ý Ý»ñϳ۳óÝ»Éáõ£

 

Gentlemen, in reading the above title don't be misled and don't undersatnd it wrong that I am a bankrupt merchant and have come to review my handbook(here he uses the word to mean a "ledger"). I have the honor to declare that I have never in my whole life been a merchant, and I don't have the desire to be one now as it is against my conscience to sell for one and a half pound something that I have bought for only one pound.

In spite the fact that I am not a merchant I hve decided to have a handbook in which to record events of the day and in so doing to laugh at those mortals in the stories. Let the tear drops from the eyes of Heracles turn into rivers, let our national poets represent the Euphrates and the Tigris as twin eyes of Hayastan and let them cry rivers. Let them have Mr. Chukhajian compose tunes for them so they can cry even more. Me, gentlemen, I laugh, and I need neither music nor piano to make me laugh. To cry over defects is even a grater defect, to shed tears over misery is proof that we have no blood left to shed. Tears are the share of women and children (big children too). I beg you, leave their lot alone.

You cannot imagine how much joy I would feel if I could glean a glimmer of smile and a little laughter out of you about the characters you will meet in my handbook. Laughing at vices is the way to morality, and in that sense the amount of laughter I can milk out of the reader, I am hoping to find fewer vices to laugh about. One must not forget that class of people who have sworn and taken an oath to never laugh. I have no buisiness with the likes, since it is harder to glean a smile from those faces than hope for reformations from the Tirkish government, specially considering that I have neither a bulletin nor ambassadorial delegation or even a fleet.

To assure you of my neutrality and declare that I am in such a state of being that I cannot discriminate. Thank Providence that I have no friends to discriminate for. Don't you think that I will speak from passion. God Forbid! Thank the Satan that I have no enemies either. Don't be surprised. I live on tha face of this earth as you sometimes would in the theater. I am a mere spectator, I don't meddle in the actors' roles. In general I live away from committees and societies, and this is my greatest joy. (end of intro)

=========

There are marvelous gems in his handbook, some longer than others, there are also virtual one liner zingers making fun laughing at and ridiculing people, customs and mores.

Here is one of them; (As topical now as it was then?)

-Woman give me your earrings.

-What will you do with my earrings?

-Why do you ask?

-Why shouln't I ask?

-I will sell them and I will take you with me to Hayastan.

-I am not moving from here, not even a step.

-Then why have you been "eating my head", that you want to go to Hayastan?

-But I did not say to sell my earrings for that.

-You mean you like your earrings more than Hayastan?

-What kind of talk is that? Can I hang Hayastan at my ear lobes?

 

Baronian comments; "If it were up to me, the ears of such women would be cut".

 

Here is another;

 

-Varzhapet, didn't Go place the Garden of Eden in Hayastan?

-Yes my dear student He did.

-But there is no such thing in Hayastan now.. What happened?

-Most probably....bably...

 

The teacher turns red in embarrassment. Hakob interjects and saves the day.

 

-My son, most probably Kurds have ruined it.