79 replies to this topic

[MJ]

HOLDING YO' BREATHE

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear.

He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How can you stay down this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "I'm drowning."

--Submitted by Gary Lee

[MJ]

GOOD ANSWER!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


--Submitted Vanessa Cosgrove, New Mexico

[MJ]

FUN LOVING INSULTS


Yo Mama So Fat....
...she fell in love and she broke it
...she jumped on a scale and it said "to be continued"
...she jumped on a scale and it said "one at a time
please"
...she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters
...she's got her own area code
...her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is
just as big

Yo Mama's so old...
...she was in Jesus's yearbook
...when God said let there be light, she flipped the
switch
...her driver's license number is one

Yo Family's So Poor...
...your house has a kickstand
...you have to go home and take off your clothes so
your father has pants to go to work

Yo House is so Nasty...
...the roaches wear shoes
...you wipe your feet before going out

Yo Pop's So Stupid...
...he thought a quarterback is a refund
...I gave a penny for his thoughts and got change back

[MJ]

FEMALE HORMONES IN BEER

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[MJ]

Son: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

[MJ]

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."

My Mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."

[MJ]

PREGNANCY Q & A


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[MJ]

REDNECK FATHER AND SON

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."

[Boghos]

beggar: - Sir, please let me have a dollar.
Garabed: - Don´t you want a cigarette, maybe one of my nice Cuban cigars ?
beggar: - No, Sir, I don´t smoke, just a dollar
Garabed: - Come with me, I will buy you a drink.
beggar: - No, Sir, I don´t drink, let me just have a dollar.
Garabed: Look, let´s walk to that shop and I will buy a few Lotto tickets, if you win, it is all yours
beggar: No, Sir, I don´t gamble. I just want a dollar.

Garabed: OK, come to my house, my wife will cook you dinner.
beggar: Oh, why is that ?
Garabed: So that she can see what type of men doesn´t drink, smoke and gamble.

[dragon]

Very cute, Boghos.

Dragon

[MJ]

YOGI BERRA QUOTES

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"Because it gets late early., on why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"It ain't over till it's over."

"It's deja vu all over again."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We have very deep depth!"

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

[Karine]

Mi or Vartanike ir mamji hed gnum@ hyur

Ajndegh nran mi khntsor en dalis

Maman asom@ - Vartanik inch petq@ ases?

-barev kh@ntsor

[MJ]

Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day


1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You...! Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

13. Allow me to introduce my selves.

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

19. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

26. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. I plead contemporary insanity.

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

32. Meandering to a different drummer.

33. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

[Karine]

Datavore`vkain.
-Kani daregan ek, dikin:
-Karasonmek dari ev mi kani amis:
-Konkret`kani amis:
-Haryor hisonchors:

------------------------------------

-Mayrik, Sosn asom e, te yes ashkharhi
amena lav aghchikn em:
-Ozomem gone mi ankam tun hravirel:
-Karik chka, aghchikes, togh sharnaki ajdpes
karcel.

[Karine]

-Mi badjak oxoc lav ban chka:
-Kaa
-Vorn e?
-Yerko badjak@:

[MJ]

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere."

23. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

24. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

25. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

26. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

27. Q: Where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

28. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

29. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

30. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

[armeniangirl83]

Two eggs were in a frying pan.

1st egg: hello there!

2nd egg: ahhhhh! a talking egg!

[armeniangirl83]

mummy mummy, what's for dinner?

shut up and get back in the oven.

[Nané]

MJ thanx for the "questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials" It brought me to tears hehe

I was doing Jury Duty a week ago and while we were waiting, the "Jury Docent" told us number 22. And there were some lawyers standing around (waiting to give lectures). It was hillarious

[Nané]

Happy Country

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."