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#21 MJ

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Posted 09 March 2001 - 04:29 AM

THE GIFT OF LIFE
submitted by Amber Tozer

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY....
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

#22 MJ

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Posted 10 March 2001 - 07:22 AM

DatingFaces.com Presents:
WEEKEND FUNNIES
submitted by Joke-of-the-Day Members

STEEPLE CHASTE
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

THIS IS A STUPID JOKE
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

BIRD IN A KILTED CAGE
The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

#23 MJ

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Posted 10 March 2001 - 07:30 AM

Today's Joke
Q: How do you know that Calista Flockhart doesn't exist?
A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds!


GLASS OF WATER

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later he screamed, "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

"No, you had your chance."

Five minutes later he screamed, "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you."

"Dad!! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?"


ADAM'S RIB

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history...

Teen-Jokes.com

#24 Azat

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Posted 10 March 2001 - 05:52 PM

Kind of dumb, but still funny.

-------
4 letter words.

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

'Well, darling,' said her mom, 'how was the honeymoon?'.

'Oh, mother,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible 4-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mother!'

And the new bride began to sob, over the telephone.

'But honey,' the mother countered, 'what 4-letter words?'.

'I cant tell you mother,' said the daughter, 'they're too awful! come get me, please!'

'Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell mother the 4-letter words!'

Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Mother words like DUST WASH IRON COOK

#25 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 12:28 PM

Did you Cheat?

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of transportation you get. You have to have a ride in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's you a Pinto to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's you a Lincoln."

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto seen the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just seen my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

#26 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 12:30 PM

Do You Know

A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

#27 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 12:34 PM

Drug Store

A man walks into a drug store and asks the cashier for some "protectors."

The cashier says "Got a good one?"

"Yup, hot date tonight!" the man replies.

A little while latter the man goes to his girlfriends house and they sit down to eat dinner with her parents. They ask him to say grace. So he prays and prays and prays.

The girl says to him "I didn't know that you were so religous!"

The man says "I didn't know your father worked at a drugstore!"

#28 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 12:36 PM

Drunk and Confused

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A Cop on the beat sees him, and approaches,
"Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The Cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" "It wassss at the end of thisss key!" the man replies. About that time the Officer looks down
to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all he world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans
"OHHH GOD.....they got my girlfriend too!!!"

#29 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 12:39 PM

Drunk Driver

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either, I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk!"

#30 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 12:41 PM

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"


"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you" he said.

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there was something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."

#31 dragon

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 12:53 PM

Ha, ha, ha!

Very funny Sulamita!

I read all the jokes you posted and laughed till death (thank God I have no ''luagh desease'')

Dragon

#32 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 06:21 PM

quote:
Originally posted by dragon:
Ha, ha, ha!

Very funny Sulamita!

I read all the jokes you posted and laughed till death (thank God I have no ''luagh desease'')

Dragon


I am glad you enjoyed them Here's some more ...

Fitness


^^* My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

^^* The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear some heavy breathing again.

^^* I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

^^* I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

^^* I don't exercise at all. If we were supposed to touch our toes, they'd be further up our body.

^^* I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

^^* I have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.

^^* The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.

^^* If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

^^* I don't jog.....it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

#33 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 07:56 PM

Give Up Half Your Sex Life

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !" The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur.
"Do you smoke ? Do you drink in excess?"
"No" replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life ".
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING????

#34 Nané

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Posted 11 March 2001 - 08:02 PM

Good Bye Daddy

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Great Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area - you could get anything there. The boss asked him,
"Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

#35 MJ

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Posted 14 March 2001 - 04:50 AM

NEW LANGUAGE
-Submitted by PATRICIA L GOONETILLEKE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

#36 MJ

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Posted 15 March 2001 - 03:57 AM

"No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize Dragons."

#37 dragon

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Posted 15 March 2001 - 05:33 AM

You're right! So don't try!

--------------------------

Dragon

#38 MJ

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Posted 15 March 2001 - 11:56 AM

If they cannot be baptized, they will be put in a cage.

#39 dragon

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Posted 16 March 2001 - 12:40 AM

Cage? for DRAGONs? you must be kidding! O, no, may be you are mixing between toys and real ones... or you have on your mind the skeleton of hand made dragons, presented in museums.

For your information, there is no Dragon left...I'm the last ''mohegan''. Try to catch me...you might become a billionaire

Dragon

#40 MJ

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Posted 15 March 2001 - 01:07 PM

quote:
Originally posted by dragon:
[B For your information, there is no Dragon left...
[/B]


I was aware that there was no Dragon left. However, the number of Lizards, calling themselves Dragon, is immense. And among them there are some, which use a magnifying mirror to visualize their own image.




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