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#1 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 05:00 PM

-------------------------
Christmas Party
-------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1 October 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room
at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols ........ feel free to sing along!

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

*************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2 October 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

***************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 3 October 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table................. you didn't sign your
name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives
believe $10 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

****************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4 October 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year
does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -
or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil
doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first.

There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

***************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All ****ing Employees

DATE: 5 October 2005

RE: The ****ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**********************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 6 October 2005

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

#2 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:05 PM

TOP 5 SMART A$$ ANSWERS FOR 2005. according to Reader's Digest:

Smart A$$ Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket; instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, ³Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


Smart A$$ Answer #4:

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead.


Smart A$$ Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window "I've been ! waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Smart A$$ Answer #2:

! A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



AND NOW FOR THE BEST ONE -- #1 SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.


"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"


A smart a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

#3 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:06 PM

The Blonde Year In Review



January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition,complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C "

October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

#4 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:07 PM

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for
each is listed below ..

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:
"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

#5 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:08 PM

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S.
If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to
West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote,
you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever
told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

#6 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:10 PM

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
The best golfer is a black guy,
The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
The Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war and,
The three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon".

"Need I say more?"

#7 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:11 PM

Super Bowl Seat

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he
sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the
seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world,
and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was
supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

#8 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:13 PM

HAD IT ALL...

... A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

#9 skhara

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:14 PM

QUOTE(Sevook @ Feb 8 2006, 06:07 PM) View Post
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.


Yes. Thank you.

#10 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:15 PM

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart.

If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture
of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It
shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of
horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is
why I believe this is real...

http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

#11 Sevook

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Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:17 PM

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air
Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says,
"You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100
bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course,
then, I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a
hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such
arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the
window, and make 56 million people really happy!"

#12 Sevook

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Posted 09 February 2006 - 01:36 PM

A blonde was driving home from work and got caught in a really bad hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her room mate, another blonde came home and said, "what are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repair man had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The room mate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello!! you need to roll up the windows first".

#13 ED

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Posted 09 February 2006 - 03:01 PM

Sevook now you can combine all yur jokes in here

#14 Sevook

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Posted 09 February 2006 - 04:18 PM

Thanks...

#15 MosJan

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Posted 09 February 2006 - 07:40 PM

Sevook Welcome to HyeForum

MOvses

#16 Sevook

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 02:56 PM

Thank you. Glad I found it.

#17 Maral

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 03:22 PM

WHAT?
What is this I see?
Who said he could have his own joke thread?????????? mad.gif
I could have sworn I had exclusivity in my contract! tongue.gif

ah well I guess I can share the spotlight sometimes wink.gif

welcome to Hyeforum Sevook biggrin.gif

#18 Sevook

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 03:54 PM

Thank you Maral...

Like your jokes...

To tell you the truth I was waiting for you to post what you posted. lol

Here's another one for you.

THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL
>
>Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened
>to end up in a man's head.
>
>She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
>
>"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a
>little louder, but still no answer.
>
>Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
>the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
>
>Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away.... "We're down here

#19 Azat

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 05:33 PM

Hello Sevook and welcome to HyeForum. Dont pay too much attention to Maral. The person you need to admire at this place is me...

and here is a joke for you

--------------

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly
disappears.

As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does
her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response
.
"Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

#20 Azat

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Posted 10 February 2006 - 05:33 PM

20 bucks or else!
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.? Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.? "How did you get all that money?"

"Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.? "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my? flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone? sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I
say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...




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