Compromise
#1
Posted 13 August 2007 - 08:38 PM
So far the only people that I have mostly heard this from are women. Women always like to claim that "love is all about compromise" or "relationships are all about compromise". I used to accept this as an unquestioned part of all relationships. The more I reflected, the more it made no sense to me, and eventually I had a moment of clarity.
This is far beyond the time of when men would play the god damned lute under their maiden's windows. This notion of compromise is a modern invention along with "sciences" that women love, such as psychology and sociology.
It's amazing how many women believe this and how many men do not question this. If anyone must compromise, then the other person gains. So when a person compromises, the odds are that he/she does not know himself/herself, nor what he/she wants, which is why he/she will settle for a compromise.
Think about it folks. How many of you right now sport this idea yourselves in your relationships or marriages? Take a cold heart look into your structural relations with your significant other and see if this is not the case, and if arguments do not result from this issue.
#2
Posted 13 August 2007 - 08:49 PM
#3
Posted 13 August 2007 - 08:58 PM
What are you trying to say? If that's your subtle way of saying compromise without saying the word compromise, then you're wrong.
Respect and understanding are mutually exclusive from compromise.
#4
Posted 13 August 2007 - 09:47 PM
Obviously you are bound to get into a relationship that is similar to your values and mores. Or at least it's acceptable for you. Mutually acceptable values. Respect is comes with love. Without love you will not have mutual respect.
Compromise only one way will not work in the long run and eventually you will lose love and respect towards the person. Expressing your thoughts and your innermost desires and likes is important for both parties, as well as your dislikes.
My sister-in-law once told me to use the compromise technique with my husband for a matter; and for the first time I asked my husband to compromise and he refused, then I let it go and I never asked him again. That was my first and last.
For a girl to give in to you or you to give in for her because either you desire for something or she does, it must be given without pressure or compromise. If there is real like and love and wanting, it should come naturally.
#5
Posted 13 August 2007 - 09:57 PM
Obviously you are bound to get into a relationship that is similar to your values and mores. Or at least it's acceptable for you. Mutually acceptable values. Respect is comes with love. Without love you will not have mutual respect.
Compromise only one way will not work in the long run and eventually you will lose love and respect towards the person. Expressing your thoughts and your innermost desires and likes is important for both parties, as well as your dislikes.
Compromise one way or both ways, should not be there to begin with. Once you have that, then you are truly in the wrong relationship. Everything comes with the territory and that is why 90% of relationships fail. By relationships I mean both marriage or serious long-term relationships. By fail I mean they become boring chores, they end in divorce, or lack of interest, or people just stay for whatever, children and circumstance.
For a girl to give in to you or you to give in for her because either you desire for something or she does, it must be given without pressure or compromise. If there is real like and love and wanting, it should come naturally.
But that's the point. Every time I raise this question, females say, "Well, you shouldn't compromise core values of who you are, but when we say compromise we mean it about little things, like who will do the laundry, or take out the trash, or what movie we will watch." This misses the point. The core values of who we are and what makes us who we are, are inextricably tied to, when we take out the trash, how we set up our room, whether he like it messy during the week and clean it up in the weekend, whether we leave the toilet seat up, or whether we choose to watch a particular movie or genre. Therein lies the secret and which women almost always fail at making this distinction.
#6
Posted 13 August 2007 - 10:24 PM
So for example, as a single guy, one might be able to walk around the house and belch and fart freely at any time. This is an advantage that one might choose to trade-off for some other benefits that a relationship might entail. It's not really a "compromise" though it could be looked at as such.
#7
Posted 13 August 2007 - 10:31 PM
Yes this is true as in time all the compromises through the years will accumulate to become a huge chore to stay with that person in a marriage or in a relationship and you'll start getting sick and tired about it and about the person.
Although I understand what you're saying Anon; but we will never and close to never find a one individual with the same exact values as ours. Close yes; but exactly not. Otherwise one must wait a long time to search and find the very right person. And perhaps you'll never find it in one lifetime. However, even if we don't find that person with very similar and exact values as ours; then that's where the like and love play a positive role in filling out the little empty spots where your values differ somewhat. Because if there is that great love between couples then the differences shouldn't matter because of that wonderful warm feeling and love you feel towards your lover or your spouse and you will not mind the little differences, instead you will feel content and happy just to be with the person; and simply because you'd want to please him/her. And therefore, there will not be any need for compromise.
Does this answer your question?
Edited by Anahid Takouhi, 13 August 2007 - 10:48 PM.
#8
Posted 14 August 2007 - 03:37 AM
I agree with Sip. You'll never find anyone who is 100% in tune with you. A successful relationship is about giving, taking, and losing some. If you do not want this, then stay out of a relationship.
I also disagree with Sip on the farting and belching. In any long-term relationship, you should be able to do this in front of your partner with no shame.
#10
Posted 14 August 2007 - 09:40 AM
If there is love in a relationship the rest is secondary.
#11
Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:24 AM
If there is love in a relationship the rest is secondary.
Indeed!!!! That's what I was trying to post earlier this morning; but my computer stalled and I couldn't finish it.
When there is real love in a relationship as I said it above, then the rest comes by itself. Compromise comes easy and wantingly when you love that special person with all your heart and your cerebral and your psyche and your " հոգի.
Furthermore you will not see or want to see that person's flaws. You will wholeheartedly will want to please the love of your life. That's it. At least that's from my perspective as well as some others.
Երբ սէր է լինում, կեանքն անուշ է լինում,
Երբ սէր է լինում, սիրած եարըդ քուկդ է լինում.
Իսկ կեանքում դու սէր չունես, կեանքի իմաստը չես վայլելու
Իսկ դու երբ սէր չես ունեցել, կեանքն ապրեցար ասես մի դաշտ առանց հունցքի եւ ծաղիկի
#12
Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:30 AM
Edited by Anahid Takouhi, 14 August 2007 - 11:33 AM.
#13
Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:53 AM
So for example, as a single guy, one might be able to walk around the house and belch and fart freely at any time. This is an advantage that one might choose to trade-off for some other benefits that a relationship might entail. It's not really a "compromise" though it could be looked at as such.
I see what you're trying to say. However, what I am trying to say is different. In that sense, I disagree that a compromise and a trade off is the same thing. We always have trade-offs, you are correct.
If I am with Marry Ann who doesn't mind me walking around the house and belching and farting, I am still making a trade off. However, if Marry Ann did not like that and wanted me to stop, I would then be making a compromise. Entirely two different beats.
#14
Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:59 AM
I agree with Sip. You'll never find anyone who is 100% in tune with you. A successful relationship is about giving, taking, and losing some. If you do not want this, then stay out of a relationship.
It's interesting that the females thought this way. However, I never said anything about finding anyone with the exact same values or someone who is in tune with you on everything. Are you folks reading the same thread? It's about finding someone who will accept you for you are and not make you compromise and try to change you (both your core values of who you are, as well as little shit like what kind of movies you want to watch, because as anyone in relationships know, arguments revolve around the little things, habits, choices, etc.). It has nothing to do with finding someone who has the same and identical values as you.
However, it is everything about how women have this innate drive and nature to try to 'change a man'. It's sort of hardwired in their 'makeover' gene, like when they get a room, they want to decorate and do a makeover. They try the same thing with their men.
And if this stance is going to curse me to a life of solitude, then so be it.
#16
Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:18 PM
However, it is everything about how women have this innate drive and nature to try to 'change a man'. It's sort of hardwired in their 'makeover' gene, like when they get a room, they want to decorate and do a makeover. They try the same thing with their men.
And if this stance is going to curse me to a life of solitude, then so be it.
What I read here is that you wish women were different. Does that mean that you wish women would change to suit your needs, my nineteenth-century friend?
I have chosen a life of freedom, partly because I know that I will never find a man who can suit my needs, and I know I will never want to change myself to suit a man's needs.
#18
Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:40 PM
#19
Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:43 PM
So you're admitting that women always want to change a man and force him to compromise?
You're doing the men a favor.
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