84 replies to this topic

[Anonymouse]

I've changed my mind over the years.

I guess if your potential husband is reading this, he knows that he has one free b of cheating before you guys go to the counselor.

For once, perhaps, I fully agree. I'd like to add that I have become increasingly more annoyed at complaining parents about children. Especially mothers saying things like (in a complaining manner): "I'm so tired all the time; I haven't slept in four years; I have to plan everything around my child; I don't get to do anything anymore; my child demands soooo much attention; etc." No, having children is NOT easy, which is why the moment you decide to have children you should be FULLY aware of the limitations a child will bring into your life. If you are not aware of them, I suggest you babysit your friend's child or children for a week. If you're not "dead tired" at the end of the week, you may be somewhat ready to have children. But if you are dead tired, don't think "but if they were my own children, I'd be more patient" is true; in fact, it's probably further from the truth than anything else. The chance that you will be ten times (or more) less patient with your own children than with other people's children is very probable. And when you decide to go ahead and have children anyway, all the "limitations" that come with it should become a source of happiness instead of a source of misery. You should be able to say things like: "I'm so glad I haven't slept in four years" and "I love revolving my entire life around my children." I have already promised myself to smack the first mother (or father, for that matter) that I hear whining about how difficult and tiring it is to have children.

Wow! You and I agree? This must be the twilight zone. Spasi mi hat pati mech chop khrem. You raise a very important all too often overlooked point about complaining parents. Seriously, whatever happened to the notion that you assume the risk and that it all comes with the territory? Why do such people bring lives into this world if they aren't prepared to deal with the difficulty that comes with it? If I had no conscience I would kill these people. But then I'd deprive these kids of their parents. I guess shitty parents are still better than no parents.

Regardless, that still doesn't answer my linguistic question as to what the expression or idiom "to dish out what one reaps" means. I'm assuming it means something like: "to distribute what you have created," but I don't see how it fits in that particular sentence.

More like to withstand what you have created. It seems some people are awfully weak these days. They make choices, and all choices contain ramifications, and then when the logical consequences of those choices come to fruition, they yell "Oh me oh my I did not expect this was going to be this difficult." And so they choose to run away from the hole they created for themselves. Instead of running to it, they run away from it. But alas, this reminds me of something a powerful villain, Apocalypse, in X-Men once said: "There is no freedom from me, there is only freedom through me." And so here, there is no freedom from ones choices (whether good or ill), but only freedom through ones choices.

Excelsior.

Edited by Anonymouse, 26 February 2008 - 11:14 AM.

[nairi]

I guess if your potential husband is reading this, he knows that he has one free b of cheating before you guys go to the counselor.

There is no potential husband, so I have nothing to deal with.

More like to withstand what you have created. It seems some people are awfully weak these days. They make choices, and all choices contain ramifications, and then when the logical consequences of those choices come to fruition, they yell "Oh me oh my I did not expect this was going to be this difficult." And so they choose to run away from the hole they created for themselves. Instead of running to it, they run away from it. But alas, this reminds me of something a powerful villain, Apocalypse, in X-Men once said: "There is no freedom from me, there is only freedom through me." And so here, there is no freedom from ones choices (whether good or ill), but only freedom through ones choices.

Excelsior.

Thanks. It's starting to make more sense.

[Ani]

This thread is a very good pre-marriage counseling…When you need an expert, let me know…

As far as for the arranged marriages, I think there is a fine line between forced (I don’t think it is happening nowadays) and suggested…

And Eva mentioned about the pressure of the family…I think its just the way our society is constructed, girls have to “fly” away one day…And it doesn’t matter how smart or “anvoghnashar” we are, it is the mentality we’re raised with…People have that expectation from girls…

However, I see many girls that are out of those frames, and do not “sacrifice” their lives to please their parents or the society…

About being “anvoghnashar” ( “aninqnaser” is also an often used synonym)…I think it takes a pretty strong “voghnashar” to handle this type of a situation…

And in addition, I’d like to share a golden advice from my psychology professor, she says “If you want to have a successful marriage, marry your best friend!!!…The infatuation fades in 7-8 months, physical attraction becomes a habit, but friendship is forever, If you’re planning to live with that fool for the rest of your life."

Edited by ANI, 26 February 2008 - 06:26 PM.

[ED]

asem te chasem, bayts inch asem vor cheq asel

OK, someone tell me what is "love" or respectful, successful marriage?

and, did anybody see the movie "goodwill hunting"? if not take a copy and watch it, Robin Williams role.

i think one should be able to just be itself in a marriage, what ever that means as longs as your significant other half tolerates it.

mine was nor arranged, or it could of been, i consider my self a happy man in life, regardless of the fact (arrangements ) so marriage is like a melon, a lemon, could be a canon? yes it can be.....its all of those things and much much more.

so wise up kids take a chance, compromise, job, money and even kids come second, divorce is easy, life after that is harsh.

ok...i got to run, my stakes are burning on fire!!

[Ashot]

And in addition, I’d like to share a golden advice from my psychology professor, she says “If you want to have a successful marriage, marry your best friend!!!…The infatuation fades in 7-8 months, physical attraction becomes a habit, but friendship is forever, If you’re planning to live with that fool for the rest of your life."

Ani jan, thank you tsavt tanem!!! Exactly my point!!!

[Harut]

And in addition, I’d like to share a golden advice from my psychology professor, she says “If you want to have a successful marriage, marry your best friend!!!…The infatuation fades in 7-8 months, physical attraction becomes a habit, but friendship is forever, If you’re planning to live with that fool for the rest of your life."

nairi has stated that in the forum long time ago... well, except the fool part...

[MosJan]

Antsyal Shabatva Zuygeri yerekoyin , zuygerist mek@ berel er sa - hetaqrqir e - jisjt e topici bun temman che sakayn arranged te not arranged amusnutyan het mi qich kap uni


Trash Your Marriage in Eight Easy Steps PDF Print E-mail
Written by Sue Bohlin

The divorce rate is at an all-time high, and marriages are falling apart everywhere you look. Marriages of church-going people are crashing and burning especially fast. There are forces in our culture that contribute to marriage stresses such as pornography, the prevalence of drivenness, two-career families, and the dynamics of the blended family. But people also make foolish choices to destroy their marriages from within.

Talking about the family, Proverbs 14:1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." Ephesians 5:28 exhorts husbands to love their wives as their own bodies, nourishing and cherishing them. God's plan is that we treasure and cultivate our marriages, but it's very easy to trash them instead. Let's take a tongue-in-cheek look at eight ways that people trash their marriages.
Be Selfish

The first step is to be selfish. My pastor once said that the AIDS of marriage is justified self-centeredness. Everything needs to revolve around you because, let's face it, you are at the center of the universe, right? If you find something you like to do that ignores your spouses' feelings and interests, go ahead and do it! Too bad if they don't like it! You only go around once in life, so grab for all the gusto you can get!

Always insist on having things your own way. If you don't get your own way, throw a tantrum. Or freeze your spouse out. Get your kids involved in this game by saying things like, "Would you please ask your father to pass the salt?" Don't be afraid to withhold sex if your spouse isn't letting you have things your own way. There's a lot of power in that, so don't waste it!

If there's only enough money in your budget for what one of you wants, make sure you get what you want. Especially if you're the wage earner, or if you make more than the other. Money is power, and don't be afraid to use it against your spouse!

Make demands instead of requests. Wives, let your husband know that he will do things your way, or you'll make his life miserable. Husbands, when you want your wife to do something, just tell her to do it. "Please" and "thank you" are for the kids. This is your spouse you're talking about--they don't need it. Save all your courtesy for strangers; don't waste it on the person you said you'd spend the rest of your life with.

What we really mean to say:

Selfishness is guaranteed to hurt marriages, so ask for God's help in putting your husband or wife ahead of yourself so you don't trash your marriage.
Pick at Each Other

The second step is to pick at each other. If you know that something you do annoys your spouse, be sure to do it often. And intentionally. When she complains about it, tell her to buzz off, it's not as annoying as the stupid things she does to bug you. The more childish the annoying habit, the better.

Be critical of the smallest thing the other one says and does. Don't let your spouse get away with anything! Stay vigilant for every little offense. Be sure to address these small details with an air of superiority . . . unless it works better for you to act like a martyr, as if you deserve the Nobel Prize for putting up with someone who doesn't squeeze the toothpaste from the end.

Always get the last word when you're arguing. Dr. Phil McGraw has said that the most accurate predictor of divorce is when people don't allow their partners to retreat with dignity. So make your spouse feel whipped and defeated at the end of a fight. As long as you win, that's what matters.
Let The Kids Be More Important

A third step to trashing your marriage is to let the kids become more important than your spouse. Moms, make your husband feel left out of the intimate, secret relationship between you and your baby. As the baby grows, continue to draw the line where it's you and your child on one side, your husband on the other. Keep your Mommy hat on all day and all night. Your kids don't care if your hair is brushed and if you put on perfume and a little makeup before Daddy comes home, so why should he?

Dads, invest all your energies into making your child succeed at what he's good at, or what you want him to be good at. Squeeze out Mom so that you will be your kid's favorite parent. Work so hard on homework and school projects that there's no time for family time.

Let the kids and your other priorities crowd out your "alone together" time. Date nights are for unmarried people! In order to be fulfilled as a person, it is essential to invest all your energies in parenting, career, housework, church commitments and hobbies, so don't worry if there isn't enough time left over for the two of you. It's no big deal. There's always tomorrow. Or next year.

What we really mean to say:

Hey! If you find yourself doing these things, stop! You don't have to trash your marriage!
Show Disrespect

Show disrespect for your spouse, especially in public. One of the best ways to disrespect your partner is ugly name-calling, especially about things he or she can't change. However, the old standbys of "stupid," "fat," "ugly," "weak," and "loser" are always effective, too.

Complain about your spouse to your friends. It's even more powerful if you do it in front of your spouse. Then, if he objects, punch him in the arm and say, "I'm just kidding! You take everything so seriously!"

There are a number of ways to show disrespect with nonverbal communication. Roll your eyes, cluck your tongue, narrow your eyes in contempt. The heavy sigh is a real winner, too.

Wives: Straighten out your husband when he makes a mistake, especially in front of others. Lecture him. Ridicule him: his feelings, his behavior, his dreams, his thoughts. Do everything you can to emasculate your husband. Husbands: Let your wife know you think your opinion is better than hers. Interrupt her when she's speaking.

[MosJan]

Refuse to Meet Emotional Needs

Another easy way to trash your marriage is to refuse to meet your spouse's emotional needs. Men and women need different things from their life partners. Dr. Willard Harley discovered and examined a pattern in his excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Husbands' top needs, it turns out, are: first of all sexual fulfillment; second, recreational companionship; third, an attractive spouse; fourth, domestic support; and fifth, admiration. Wives, if you want to trash your marriage, ignore his need for sex and that you be there for him in leisure time. Blow off his desire that you look your best and he can be proud that you're his wife. Make your home as stressful and chaotic as you can, and never, ever tell him what you admire about him.

Wives' top needs are: first of all affection; second conversations; third, honesty and openness; fourth, financial commitment; and fifth, family commitment. So guys, if you want to trash your marriage, don't show your wife you love and appreciate her. Don't talk to her. Close off your heart to her. Make her constantly worry about finances. Don't be a faithful husband and father.

Dr. Harley's got a Web site, MarriageBuilders.com, that has a lot of good, practical information for building strong marriages, so you'd better stay away from there if you're not interested in being intentional and constructive!

Remember, we're being tongue-in-cheek here. We want you to build your marriage, not trash it!
Treat Your Friends Better than Your Spouse

The sixth easy step to trashing your marriage is to treat your friends better than your spouse. Since a lot of men unfortunately don't even have friends, this is something women tend to do more. Women know how to treat their girlfriends. They call them up just to encourage them. They drop off flowers for no reason. They send them cards, and they listen intently to whatever's going on in their lives. They are emotionally invested in their friends. They are quick to mention when someone looks nice or does something well because women are usually good at affirming each other. If you want to trash your marriage, don't do any of these thoughtful kindnesses for your husband. If your girlfriend is having a bad day, go out of your way to take her a wonderful casserole and fresh salad and dessert . . . but serve your husband Spaghetti-O's.

But husbands, if your wife needs you for something at home, and your buddy scores some tickets to a game, tell your wife "too bad, so sad." After all, she'll be around forever but tonight's hockey game won't. If someone at church or in the neighborhood needs something fixed, drop everything to take care of it, even if it means that the broken things around your house will continue to go unfixed.
Be a Pansy

Step number seven for trashing your marriage has two parts. Husbands, be a pansy. Retreat into the safety of passivity. Refuse to take initiative or responsibility in making plans or suggestions. That way, when things go wrong, you can say, "Don't blame me! It's not my fault!" These are great ways to trash your marriage.
Be His Mother

Wives, be a mother to your husband. When people ask how many children you have, say things like, "Two--three, if you count my husband." Tell him to wear a coat when it's cold and take an umbrella when it's raining, because he can't figure it out on his own. Be sure to say "I told you so" as often as possible. If he is passive or irresponsible, jump in and rescue him so he won't have to deal with the consequences of his own choices. Make sure he feels three years old. Tell him how to live his life, down to the smallest detail.

What we really mean to say:

Please, if you find yourself doing these things, ask for God's help in being constructive instead of destructive. We want to help you build your marriage, not trash it.
When You're Angry, Blow Up

Let's talk about one final way to trash your marriage. Yell and scream, or quietly say hurtful words; it doesn't matter. Inflicting pain is the important thing. Call each other names in the heat of your emotion. Dredge up the past and bring up old hurts. You can hit or slap with words as well as with hands, and they each leave a different kind of lasting damage to your spouse and to your marriage. Losing control when you're angry is a powerful way to hurt your spouse.
Build Your Marriage in Eight Harder Steps

Well, enough of ways to trash your marriage--how about eight steps to build it? All we have to do is look at the opposite of this article's negative, destructive steps.

To build your marriage, fight selfishness by developing a servant's heart. Commit yourself to acting in your spouse's best interests. Do at least one unselfish deed for your husband or wife every day.

Second, instead of picking at each other, choose to let things go. Be grace-givers. Remember that "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Pet. 4:8).

Third, be intentional in keeping your marriage at the center of your family. Have regular date nights, and schedule times away to invest in the intimacy of your relationship. Go to a FamilyLife Marriage Conference (www.familylife.com).

Fourth, commit to actively be respectful to your spouse by never saying anything negative to other people. Be kind in your words and actions. Treat each other as courteously and with the kind of honor you would bestow on a stranger or a dear friend.

Fifth, talk about your spouse's particular emotional needs. Read Willard Harley's excellent book His Needs, Her Needs. Find out which ones are most important to your partner, and do everything in your power to meet them.

Sixth, treat your husband or wife at least as well as you treat your friends. Be as thoughtful and encouraging and affirming as you can possibly be.

Seventh: Ladies, resign as your husband's mother. You married an adult; treat him with the respect an adult deserves. Men: Your wife needs a servant-leader--someone who refuses either passivity or tyranny--to love her as Christ loves the church.

And last, when you're angry, express it wisely and constructively. Use words like "I'm angry about this" instead of yelling or hurtful silence. If you're too mad to speak with self-control, wait till you cool down. And don't go to bed without dealing with the situation (Eph. 4:26).

You don't have to trash your marriage. You can treasure it instead.

© 2003 Probe Ministries

[Ashot]

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[MosJan]

et 17777 poster@ indz chen xanggarel im amusnakan kyanqum - gone che yes etpes em m@tatsum

[MosJan]

or just take a Cab

[nairi]

nairi has stated that in the forum long time ago... well, except the fool part...

My pearls of wisdom at work again.

[Aratta-Kingdom]

ey jogovurd, jogovurd.
cankacats dzevi haraberutyun karucvum e pox@mbrman u hagordakcvelu mshakutin dzanot linelu vra. bolor manramasner@ mi koghm, yete mardik mtovi, zgacmunqnerov, irenc hoqeparumnerov/hoqekerdavatsqov irar het hamategeli en, arranged or @ntrovi, amen inch barehajogh kndana. yete voch, ardyunqum klini en inch vor tesnum ek dzer shrjapatum.

chmoranam asem vor serayin hamategeliutyun@ payman e [stacvats,] hamategh kyanqov aprelu hamar. ha hayer jan. serayin asatsic mi vaxecik. da nuynqan bnakan e inchqn od shchel@ kam jur xmel@. isk vor gini xmek et gorts@ aveli hetaqrqir kstacvi. isk serayin hamategeliutyun@ amenevin chi nshanakum serayin ansardzandzakutyun. parzapes amen mardu mot ashxarh@kalum@ u chapi zgacum@ tarber e.

apri nra het ov qez het hamategeli e. hakarak depqum, mi ambogh kyanq tarapelu u pilisopayelu es

[Ashot]

Arranged Marriage Funny Commercial

[Ashot]

Russel Peters on Arranged Marriage

[Ashot]

arranged marriage

[Takoush]

Your point has been dully noted. I get it. But there is one thing you have failed to mention. Marrriage is a difficult relationship to uphold. It requires labor, dedication, sacrifice and respect from BOTH parties involved. One person can bear the weight but for a finite period of time. No one is capable of pulling double duty. After a while the mission becomes gitole and the well being of the child outside of that relationship has to come first.

Please go ask the grown children of the innumerable families whose parents stayed together whether they think their mothers were right in staying in intolerable marriages for the sake of the kids. See if they don't pity their mothers and resent their fathers. Ask them if they would opt to live in a peaceful environment even if that meant having to homes and sepetTed parents.

My sentiments exactly Em. On the other spectrum if and when the mother for instance stays into an intolerable marriage, then the bad pattern will continue into the child. It has been well noted that a girl for instance marries exactly the same type of a man that her father has been. If he was neglectful of the mother, or abusive or non-loving then that's exactly what the daughter will choose for a husband. A neglectful, an abusive, and a non-loving husband. When a parent stays in a bad marriage he or she is setting up for the poor child's future.

Emotional abuse as witnessed by children does just as much harm as a divorce. Happy endings are not guaranteed. And some of us do give up our lives after divorce as well. In the end being a patent means that your identity as an individual is first and foremost that of a provider, nurturer, the one who sacrifices her life so that the child she brought into the world knows that there nothing of importance beyond him/ her.

Again exactly!!!!!! A great deal of fighting, emotional or bodily abuse witnessed by children do a great deal of harm to children if not more than a divorce.

And after a mother divorces her husband for whatever the right reasons she had to divorce for; she can create a life that is a better example for the child. There is nothing wrong for living a decent good life after a divorce, when you can still be a good example to follow for your child. Working hard, a loving parent, a decent good person and basically good mores and ethics that you will instill to your offspring.

[Takoush]

About arranged marriages; I will reiterate again that I am not for it in all or most part.

I believe IN LOVE; but at the same time I believe in friendship with love. I believe that it's best to be-friend the one that you love before marrying him/her. When you are befriending the one you love; then I think that you will know more about the person and you will be in agreement with most of your important ethical and moral habits and virtues. Not to take each other for granted; but rather greet each other every day as if you just met. With the same courtesy, love, devotion and willingness to please each other. Above all, to bestow each other with unconditional love.

This is what I believe in a partnership between the two sexes.

Edited by Takoush, 10 March 2008 - 10:17 AM.

[Ani]

Divorce rates are growing rapidly (53 %) and there are more dysfunctional families today than happy ones… some people are making money off of it…i take a class “Marriage and Family Relations”, it is such a made up subject, they create phony formulas to “happiness” and successful marriage…the instructor is a divorcee, single mother with negative attitudes toward the institution of marriage, with no intention to get remarried (frequently talking about reality… very different from the book) and she is a marriage counselor…
However, it does talk about choices (especially irrevocable ones) and consequences, during adolescence and youth…i think this course should not be an upper division undergrad course… it will be more helpful in college and even high school…

There is one thing that i found interesting... that based on statistics and research, marriages successfully survive based on the commonalities between the spouses…before i thought (actually i heard) that opposites attract and make each other complete…

[MosJan]

Ani jan yerku or araj @enkeroj@s kin@ syurprise Speretion + Ristriction order matutsets @enkeroj@s - heratsnelov iren ir 5 Yerexanerits

asel te $$$ problem@ sxal k@Lini - anzi bavakanin lav finanasakan d@rutyan mej eyin, asel te xand@ kam art Amusnakan kaper@ da el e sxal qanzi gitem yerkusn el n@Virvats amusinner yve tsnoghner eyin - yerku or e xelqernis g@Luxners chi galis chenq haskanum te inch yev inchpes patahets es amen inch@