Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day
Posted 23 December 2003 - 09:37 PM
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
Posted 24 December 2003 - 11:44 AM
the fourth went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man
told the others, "My son is a home builder,and he is so successful that he
gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new
Mercedes, fully loaded.
"The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care
of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our
sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dancer in a gay
The other three men grew silent as he continued,"I'm not totally thrilled
about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three
boyfriends gave him a house, a brand-new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Posted 24 December 2003 - 11:46 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Posted 24 December 2003 - 11:53 AM
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, and F are the letters used to define Bra Sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for . . . It is about time you became informed!
(A) Almost Boobs
( Barely There
© Can't Complain
(DD) Double D@MN!
Posted 24 December 2003 - 12:24 PM
I get a hint yours is B?
Edited by Edward, 24 December 2003 - 12:25 PM.
Posted 24 December 2003 - 01:14 PM
And Edward...about my ...uhum ... size...just check out my pic at the left
Posted 25 December 2003 - 04:14 AM
(As answered by elementary school students)
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
What is the Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10
Posted 25 December 2003 - 11:11 AM
now which Hyeforumers really said those things?
Posted 25 December 2003 - 11:43 AM
I think it was me who said that
Posted 25 December 2003 - 02:35 PM
now which Hyeforumers really said those things?
Now don't tell me you forgot about the interview...
Edited by ExtraHye, 25 December 2003 - 02:38 PM.
Posted 26 December 2003 - 12:43 AM
A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.
The pope said, "Sure."
The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."
Posted 27 December 2003 - 12:25 PM
students. The teacher asked, "Harry
what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third
-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
Posted 29 December 2003 - 01:08 AM
A guy blows through a stop sign and gets caught by a
policeman. Cop says, "License and registration please."
Guy says, "What for?"
"You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
"I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, license and
"What's the difference?"
"The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop.
License and registration, PLEASE!"
"If you can show me the difference between slow down and
stop I'll give you my license and registration."
"Exit your vehicle sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the s*** out of the guy and says, "Do you want me
to slow down or stop?"
Posted 29 December 2003 - 03:34 PM
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally
and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that
are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,
"Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.
Posted 29 December 2003 - 11:57 PM
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that" she says, "I'll have to charge you with sexual
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's quite likely she can also
Posted 30 December 2003 - 12:53 PM
by John Cleese (of Comedy Group Monty Python)
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."
Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the etablishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
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